Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention:

“Coffee is the thing you have, before you pay the check and have sex.” -Blair
Blair is such a wise woman.  Because it’s true – Serena and Colin can barely keep their hands off of each other.  When S talks about bagels, she really wants breakfast in bed, people!  So much so that Serena finally gives in even though she “likes him too much to do this right now,” and Juliet finds out Serena’s dating her cousin, and she video tapes their make out sesh.

OK, I’m dying GG, what is Serena responsible for?  Why does Ben and Juliet want her sabotaged/ expelled?  Why is Collin going to ruin everything? It’s her roots, isn’t it? Or maybe Juliet is uber jealous of Serena’s buoyant breasts?! (I know I am…)

“Peace time is the perfect time for a side strike.” -Dan
GG is right, it seems like the leaves aren’t the only thing changing this fall.  The Brooklyn boy is in it to win it. Dan is so mad his (gothic Barbie) sister remains quarantined upstate, he’s willing to do anything to bring her back. Nevermind the fact that no one (not even Blair) can really keep Jenny out of Manhattan, this is JENNY, bro. Remember when she sabotaged the family? Or when she dropped out of school? Or when she VOLUNTARILY slept with Chuck Bass? She’s not worth all the scheming. If you really want to see her (it’s your prerogative, I guess), take the Bass limo and go pick her skanky ass up. Boom. Anniversary party saved.

“All books and no sex? Guys don’t wait.  When they’re not getting any from you…[fill in the blank]” -Juliet
Thanks Juliet, you little (old) slutbag.  I don’t know what you’re doing to convince all these morons that you’re a good person (or an actual college student… SERIOUSLY, what is wrong with everyone!?), but you are always good for some sound advice. I’m so glad the tweens of the world were watching and listening.

“All powerful people have enemies.” -Blair
And all along I just thought enemies were reserved for beautiful people and bloggers, but B is right. Lucky for Blair, hers is Chuck. And lucky for both of them, enemies have hot, angry sex.

“Screw the bar, the good stuff is in the kitchen.” -Blair
Right on, girlfriend.  And she’s not just talking about the Grey Goose.  In the kitchen, Collin is in the midst of getting mad at Juliet and it looks like Juliet is dating Collin so Nate gets mad at Juliet and Juliet finds out Serena is really dating Collin.  Woah, which way is up?? See? Blair told you all the good stuff is in the kitchen!

“It only takes one video to topple an entire career.” -Blair
Even if that video is just some harmless, drunken karaoke. Provided by Robyn. (Yeah, I have no idea how she fit into all of this either. Very creative, writers!)

Not really sure how that could ruin Blair’s life or how Dan even knew that existed, but allow me to share a lesson with Blair (if she’s reading): sex tapes MAKE careers. Just ask Kim Kardashian! You want to make a comeback? Get Dorota to hold the FlipCam while you and Chuck get. it. onnnnn. on the piano. Crisis averted.

“You have to allow  yourself to be weak and grow stronger. You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. You just need to think about who’s going to be around when you let her out.” -Eleanor
Who knew Eleanor was so full of cheesy cliches? Regardless, it was deep… in that “my fortune cookie is talking to me” sorta way.

“There can never be peace when all of the guns are loaded and full of ammunition.” -Gossip Girl
And if that whole scene on the piano proves anything, it’s that Chuck’s gun is fully loaded. Meow.

Class dismissed.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Best/Worst Transformation: Chuck Bass
Because Eva truly fell in love with Chuck when he was Henry, Chuck is a brand new man.  How could he not want to be one, when he’s dating someone who looks as fragile as a 12-year-old?  I don’t know anything else (besides actually being a father) that would inspire someone want to be a better person quite like this. But it doesn’t last long. (Editor’s Note: Ugh, in my eyes, good Chuck lasted an entire episode too long.) Blair’s EVIL scheming eventually leads Chuck to a non-exsistant Eva Foundation with 5 million dollars to spend on stray puppies or something, which outrages Chuck and returns him to his old, vengeful self.

Operation transformation: aborted.
(However, yay for evil Chuck! Missed you, lover.)

Best/Worst Revelation: Eva
Anndddd surprise! Eva has a prostitute past!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming; even Blair had no idea! And this shiz is legit; she’s even on a webpage… with a price list! And she didn’t even cringe when a homeless guy licked her arm, which makes it even more legit. Chuck didn’t seem to mind (lord knows it wasn’t the first hooker he’d hooked), but it did eventually lead to some trust issues, a big blowout at Chuck’s gala and a swift exit.  Bon voyage, Mademoiselle!

Best/Worst Schemer: Blair ‘We need to take that tart down’ Waldorf
Blair gets right down to Blairwaldorfing business in attempts to ruin Chuck and Eva’s surprisingly perfect relationship and, so she says, save Chuck.  Blair even admits to Eva, “You should have known him [Chuck] before he was shot, he sold me for a hotel.” Low blow, woman. Low blow.

Eventually, it begins to work, when Blair finds out about Eva’s prosty past and claims Ms. Perfect truly did know who Chuck Bass was when Blair found his passport in her suitcase.  However, Blair’s plan backfires when Chuck finds out Eva didn’t have the passport and ‘B’ really does stand for betrayal.  Then – like that – Chuck’s fairy has left the country and old Chuck, bad Chuck, new Chuck, good Chuck, bad Chuck. Get all that?

Looks like Blair’s scheming abilities have led to a good ol’ fashioned Blair/Chuck WWII. (And I can’t contain my excitement….)

Best/Worst Dressed: Serena
Serena’s red dress at the Gala? Win. That weird little side braid thing? Well, I get why she ended up alone with Blair crying into her lap that night.

Best/Worst Compulsive Liar: Juliet
Alright, this biotch is just plain sketch.  And Nate isn’t helping our case; he will believe anything she says (like the fact that she’s in college….). Nate, I know you have a lot of skeletons in your Archibald closets (and lots of big closets), but can you get a clue already!? Thank god we’re not all as dense and dumb as Nate Archibald (seriously, how did he get into Columbia??). That Juliet doesn’t fool me!  I know her little secrets: She’s really forty, her “brother” Ben is her secret lover and she has the freakiest vendetta against Serena van der Woodsen I’ve ever seen. This is the makings for a Law and Order ep. Maybe even SVU.

Best/Worst Detective: Dan
First, can I just say that Dan’s military haircut ain’t lookin supa fly.  Sorry dude – I liked your look better when you were changing Milo’s diapers. Anyway, since Dan’s mad browsing skills led him to Googling ‘brothal’ and revealing Eva’s prostituting days, he was a momentarily hero (in Blair’s eyes).  But Dan is not his best personal detective.  He nearly ruined his relationship with Vanessa in attempts to mend things with Serena.  Thank God V has nowhere else to live….otherwise, you woulda lost her, too, brah.

Best/Worst Leave of Absense: Little J
Actually, just best. There is nothing (worse) about Jenny Humphrey keeping her straggly little legs and angry eyeliner out of the Upper East Side and my HD CW Network.

Best/Worst Upgrade: Gossip Girl Live Feed
Gossip Girl has taken a fierce dive into the 21st Century! They are finally using a live (video!) mini-feed on the website!  Kudos GG, I was getting tired of those (extremely teeny) cellphone pictures on your site.  However, the new livefeed is keeping everyone too occupied. Nate, Serena and Blair can’t seem to drop it. I smell cellphone sex tapes in the future….

Until next time,

XOXO,
GGRG (Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

There are three things in life that I don’t buy:

1. Bumpits
2. Heels that are taller than 4 inches
3. Lily van der Woodsen’s stupid story about being sick and needing a doctor and the only one that she could find was her sexy, rich ex husband even though she lives in New York City, where some of the best doctors in the world reside.

Oh, and thongs. I don’t buy thongs either.

Let’s just reflect. Lily gets cancer, doesn’t tell her husband, runs into the arms of her ex-husband and stays in a hotel with him “getting treatment” for months at a time, all the while lying to her waffle-making house-husband back home. Then this miracle doctor follows them back to New York where he comes up with some convoluted story about how he was absent for 14 years and then couldn’t see Serena because he was dealing with doctor-patient confidentiality with her mother?

Does this seem totally ridiculous to anyone else? (Besides the obvious fact that Dr. van der Woodsen is a skinnier Jack Donaghy and I was just waiting the entire episode for Liz Lemon to pop in and yell “deal breaker!”) What sort of power does this guy have over these two women that make them completely throw any sense of reason out the window?

And what is it about him that makes Serena talk to him like she’s trying to lure him into bed? That’s her father for god’s sake. Watching those two have coffee made me more uncomfortable than sitting in too-tight jeans at the end of freshman year. And let me tell you, that was painful. I lost feeling in my feet!

But that’s not the only thing that had me squirming in my seat. Little J’s nappy extensions pathetic attempts to to get freaky with Nate were pretty hard to watch as well. Seriously, girl, get a brush. I admit, Chuck’s plan to push Nate and Serena apart was pretty solid, but Jenny just couldn’t make it happen and her meltdown was Awkward City. She made a complete ass of herself in front of both Nate and her step-sister; not even Rufus’s waffles can fix that sitch.

I’m just hoping the rumors are true and Little J won’t be returning much next season. I just wonder how they’re going to get rid of her. Will she go on a post-Nate bender and be sent off to rehab? Will she run back into Damien’s arms, finally do the deed and get pregnant with his drug baby? Will Rufus and Lily get divorced, sending Jenny back to Brooklyn where she’s so embarrassed she packs up her extensions and black eye shadow and skips town?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. At this point, the only things I’m certain about when it comes to Gossip Girl is that Blair will never wear a pleather jacket again, Chuck will always wear that pinkie ring and Rufus will always remain Lily’s little bitch.

See? Weird.

Talk about the British Invasion.

Yesterday, this post on Jezebel pointed me towards this utterly, utterly ridiculous Times of London article that claims college-bound British ladies are increasingly enrolling in American universities—primarily to meet “Ivy League educated males.”

The article is crazy enough that it blames “hit shows such as Gossip Girl, The OC, Dawson’s Creek and even Twilight”—yes, that noted television program, Twilight—for the pseudo-phenomenon it’s investigating. Author Luisa Metcalfe also cites Ivy League hotties including Barack Obama, Jake Gyllenhaal (both of whom went to Columbia. I’m just saying), and “aspiring Dartford College student Dan Humphrey” as bait for English girls.

I repeat: Dartford College. Never mind that Gossip Girl’s Dan actually ended up going to NYU, or that he originally wanted to go to Yale, not “Dartford”—Metcalfe actually writes the word “Dartmouth” just three paragraphs after she initially mangles the name of the beer-happy New Hampshire Ivy, so how did the term Dartford even make it into the final version of this article? Don’t they have copy editors across the pond?

And even if this article is right and female Brits are really applying to American universities just so that they can meet guys with argyle sweaters and perfect teeth—not, you know, because they want to get a good education at a top school—I have to speak up.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble, mates, but here’s the truth about Ivy League guys: they are weird. At least, the straight ones almost all are.

The only long-term boyfriend I had at Columbia once tried to make his own beer by boiling hops and wheat, then letting the mixture sit for a week. My best guy friend on campus, a chemistry major, straight-up watches videos of scientific graphs on Youtube sometimes. My brother, who went to Yale, used to have “books and hot sauce” listed as his interests on Facebook.

Metcalfe quotes Dr. Dona Matthews, who used to work at New York’s Hunter College Center for Gifted Studies and Education, as saying, “In order to get in to any of the Ivies — in addition to exceptionally high academics and SATs — they have to be athletic and they need to demonstrate exceptional social abilities.” But if Ivy League guys are all “athletic” and “social,” I’m the freaking Pope.

Sorry, girls—although there are a few Nate Archibalds scattered across Ivy campuses, the vast majority of dudes who attend the Ancient Eight are quirky at best and just plain odd at worst. So are the girls, actually. That’s one of the things I love most about Columbia.

If I wanted to find a Prince Charming in college… well, I guess I’d try transferring to some school in England.

Just when you think everything is fine on the Upper East Side those Archibalds toss some dude in the water and really throw you for a loop. And, of course, Vanessa is there to capture the entire thing on tape.

Scandalous!

Last night’s Gossip Girl was full of all sorts of scandal. From the twisted, convoluted and sorta hard to follow situation behind Tripp Vanderbilt’s campaign (really? His wife somehow orchestrated that whole thing??) to Blair’s new super-old-looking-call-girl of a BFF, it was a roller coaster of an episode.

But let’s start at the core of it all: Blair and Serena’s waning friendship. While these two are far hotter/richer/better dressers than I could ever be, I really connected to their situation. I’ve been there and I know what it’s like to be on the outs with a very old friend. On the one hand, you wanna make up and move on out of respect for your long history together. But on the other, who you are at 18-years-old is not who you were at 12 and maybe the new people you’ve both become weren’t meant to be friends.

So what do you do?

Well, if you’re me you just accept that people change, make new friends that love you as you are right now and move on. If you’re B and S, you try to make the other person jealous with a douche bag Hollywood boyfriend/well dressed prostitute and then shove someone’s head in a cake. I think either way will work, but Blair and Serena definitely chose a more fun version to watch.

Will they reconcile? Probably, but I’m counting on a lot more evil plotting and scheming before either of these vixens waves the white couture flag and surrenders.

And speaking of scheming, what the H-E-double hockey sticks, Nate? When are you going to choose a personality and run with it? I am really sick of trying to figure out if today you’re the good guy who hates your gramps and all his lying and manipulating, or if you’re following suit and lying and manipulating too. Granted, I was happy to see the return of your mangs (man bangs), but I would have enjoyed it all a whole lot more if you went back to the Nate that Vanessa could love.

Or at least the Nate who had hot, passionate sex with Serena in the first season.

ANYTHING is better than weird, family oriented, scary Nate. It’s annoying and rather unbelievable, to be honest. You’re no Chuck Bass so stop trying.

No one can be Chuck Bass. No one. Sigh. Chuck. Chucky. Chuckeford. I fall more and more in love with him with each passing episode. It’s insane – I’ve been quite happy with my single status for the past few months, but watching Chuck snuggle up to Blair at the end of last night’s episode made me want – no, need – a boyfriend. She just looked so happy and safe there. And he was so loving and real.

…And he owns a hotel.
Come on, who couldn’t fall in love?

But, alas, I do not have me a Chuck. All I’ve got is the knowledge that there’s gonna be some sort of threesome next week. Will it somehow involve me and Chuck? Probably not, but I think it still might be just as good.

That shapeless "dress" is what you get for lying to Dan!

I think we can all agree that it’s not nearly as fun watching Vanessa Abrams be a bitch as it is watching Blair Waldorf.  Mostly because Blair doesn’t normally get bogged down by remorse…at least not right away.

In an episode all about playing games, some people just didn’t know when to stop.  Take Vanessa being even more of a home-wrecker than usual.  As I watched her almost mess up the blossoming love between Dan and Olivia, all I could think about was how the dress that the wardrobe people put her in at the end of the episode was obviously punishment for her being selfish.  And my next thought: when did giving a speech at a Parents’ Weekend dinner become so damn important?

But as Vanessa, Blair, (and Olivia, though unbeknownst to her) battled it out for the right to stand atop the flowery podium at Parents’ Weekend, we saw too many claws come out. Perfectly manicured claws, mind you, but sharp claws nonetheless. Yeah, Vanessa can get off the hook quickly for what she almost did to Dan and Olivia – those Humphrey’s are incredibly forgiving people – but I can’t say the same for Blair and Chuck. Make him kiss a guy (which, by the way, was incredibly hot)? Fine. But lie to him and manipulate him to get what you want?

No one manipulates Chuck Bass. Not even Blair.

And the same goes for Serena, which Nate Archibald may find out the hard way. Before I get into this little Rounders-meets-Gossip-Girl storyline, I’d like to take a moment to welcome Nate back to the show. For the past 5 episodes he’s taken a backseat with Bree Buckley and we haven’t seen much of his cuteness. I know he wasn’t pregenant/post pregnant like Lily Bass, so I wonder what was keeping him from the screen? Meh, it doesn’t matter; he’s back….and falling in line with the family once again.

And of course that means hurting someone important in his life just because Grandfather (really, is there something wrong with “Grandpa”? Do people really call him Grandfather??) said so. Now, Serena deserves a little hurt now and then seeing what she’s pulled on other people, but I was really on her side hoping to get Carter Basin back safe and sound….without the rough hands of an oil rig guy. What? He’s hot and I love having a date with him every Monday.

But Carter Basin isn’t coming back, at least for now. And S may never forgive Nate for playing her way better than she played poker.

And that’s where the episode ended. But, as we all know, the games do not. They never end for this UES crowd. Especially considering next week is Halloween.

You know you love them.

XOXO,
GGR

Sounds like we’re setting up for a season full of OMFG!

In case you’ve just begun watching (in which case you have got to go back and rent the first two seasons so you don’t miss out on a crucial aspect of pop culture), here’s a quick rundown of life on the Upper East Side to catch you up: Summer in the Hamptons is over and the Humphrey family has moved from their loft in Brooklyn to the Lily Van der Woodsen palace of luxury. Serena has just returned from a summer of trying to get her father’s attention, a feat that apparently is only possible by showing her face (and her chest) in every magazine east of New York City. After a summer spent sexing the gorgeous Carter Basin and trying to find Daddy Dearest, Serena is back in New York keeping more secrets and trying to keep Carter from spilling the beans.

Of course, the game where Chuck pretends to cheat on Blair with some blonde bimbo scared us all sh*tless. After last season’s cry-worthy finale, no one is ready for Chuck Bass to return to his bad boy ways. While we all get a kick out of Blair putting a dumb blonde in her place, soon the games end and when the former playboy starts using phrases like “I’m not Chuck Bass without you” and “Let’s stay in tonight.” It’s impossible not to swoon. I know I’m not the only one hoping that two totally messed up people can make love work out in the real world.

Storyline I’m most looking forward to for this season: Dan and Lily’s supposedly dead son is in New York, in possession of his birth certificate, and biding his time until he reveals his true identity. Meanwhile, he’s spending his time cozying up to Vanessa, who is never going to forgive this boy when she finds out that he is Dan Humphrey’s half brother. I mean, can the girl get any more tangled in that family’s drama?

Storyline I’m dreading: Nate’s grandfather is doing a good act of pretending like he wants Nate in the family despite Nate’s rejection of the family’s ways. Too good a job. When Nate steps off the plane with sexy Bree Buckley, the Vanderbilt family enemy, Grandfather Archilbald can’t wait to call up the family to embarrass the Buckleys for having a rebellious daughter.

Things that bothered me: Supposedly Nate and Vanessa spent the summer in Europe, so why is Nate cozying up to Bree Buckley and why has Vanessa been in New York all summer? And who really gets it on on an airplane? I know I’m always stuck next to the smelly, snoring guy. What gives? Additionally, besides some small arguments with Vanessa, Dan was kind of a waste of screen time that could have been devoted to hot sex scenes between Chuck and Blair.

And lastly – Jenny’s hair is still platinum blonde. Maybe I’m a little biased, but if I was crowned Queen Bee of a private rich kids school, I would invest in a better colorist. And maybe brush it a bit.

While I wasn’t really awed by much in the premiere (besides Blair’s wardrobe – in my next life I have GOT to be her), I definitely see the set up for some good plotlines. Serena will stop at nothing to find her father, even if it means degrading herself in tabloids worldwide. Blair is about to find out if she can handle life at NYU with roommate Georgina Sparks (don’t tell me you’d forgotten about that!). And Nate Archibald is about to engage in another affair with another hot woman.

Hopefully next episode will have a little more sex, a lot more school drama, and many more beautiful clothes. You know you missed them.

XOXO
GGR
(Gossip Girl Recapper)

"I'm sorry I tried to ruin your life to get onto Page 6"

After a two-week hiatus (WTF, CW?) Gossip Girl returned last night. I don’t know if I can handle any more breaks, but OMG, was it worth the wait!  As the weather changes outside, so are our friends from the Upper East Side.

First, let me start by saying how happy I was to see Cyrus again!  That little bald nugget of a stepdad is one of those gems (like Dorota) that make Gossip Girl sparkle.  Especially since Dorota was off falling in love and Vanessa was MIA, too!   She finally gets a good storyline, AND a backbone, and suddenly she’s nowhere to be seen. Was that delicious plotline with her and Chuck just a tease? WAS IT?

And with Rufus deciding to close down the art gallery, where is she gonna brew her coffee? What on earth is going to happen to V?

Also, can I just say that I am secretly really happy that the economy is affecting GG, though a bit peeved that it was the Humphrey’s that got crapped on. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of wealthy people out there who were hit hard in this recession, so why is it the “poor” Brooklyn family that gets it? And, being that they are in a bit of financial ruin, why would Rufus care about Dan getting a job? And why doesn’t my dad feel that way? But secretly Dan did get a job, and how cute did he look in that uniform?  Presh.

And what a coincidence that everyone ended up at the same Seder dinner.  Thank god they did because it was the one of the funniest meals I have ever witnessed (and I’ve seen some doozies).  Though it seemed nobody was ready to sit through the typical seven-hour meal, it was fun to watch Dan be Eleanor’s bitch boy and nice to see S and Lonely Boy teaming up, since their chemistry is so cute.  But I don’t know how I feel about this Gabriel character…  I fell in love with his hunkiness, but what are he and Poppy cooking up? Did Serena and him really get married, and he’s just playing it off, or is that just my imagination running wild? (GG tends to do that to me.)

Of course, there was some drama away from the seder too. Mostly involving Blair and Nate. I was ready to throw my remote at the TV when B was ready to sacrifice her boyfriend’s future for a picture in the style pages. (And might I add – Nate looks really good when he’s standing up for himself. Mmmmm.) Really, Blair? Have you learned nothing from all your scheming? But then, in true GG form, there was a twist, both Blair and Nate (thanks to Chuck) had an Aha Moment and they ended up in an adorable embrace before the episode ended.

Last night’s episode was on of the best in a long time (and not just because it’s been 2 weeks since the last one). It was funny, it was dramatic, and it is totally opening up a lot of doors for next week. I just can’t wait for the return of my favorite villain, Georgina. I hate her so much that I can’t help but love her!

So what did you all think of the show?

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen.

So, on the Yale train, Dan gets in, Serena gets in, Blair gets waitlisted, and Ms. Carr threatens to destroy B’s GPA by not inflating grades.  Which obviously infuriates Blair.  And because S. apparently has a girl-crush on “Rachel,” (who calls high school teachers by their first names?), she declines Yale so B. can take her spot.

Of course, Blair can’t let it rest, so she instigates a plan to hurt Rachel’s feelings, only to find out that Rachel put in a good word for her at school.  Though she does try to fix it, Rachel’s pissed, and calls the headmistress to report Blair, putting the Queen Bee in detention.  For real. This can’t be good.

And then we get to the yelling-at-the-tv-thing.  Lily and Bart were planning on adopting each others’ kids to be a “real family.” And Bart signed the papers before he died.  So, Lily’s signature will make her Chuck’s guardian and thwart Jack’s douchey plans.  SERIOUSLY. AWESOME. When that happened, I looked at the clock: 8:45.  And I knew there was still 15 minutes of major dramz to come.

Obviously pissed off, the crazy Jack tries to rape Lily in the bathroom of the opera.  That’s a Lifetime Original Movie all in itself.   Chuck interrupts, punches Jack in the face, and tells Lily, “This doesn’t mean we’re family.  Just even.” GOD I love you, CB.

At the close of the episode, Ms. Carr runs into Dan in Brooklyn for a cappucino.  The fact that she was in Teach for America, and hot, and obviously written into the GG script to create tension makes me bet on a tumultuous Pacey-Witter-inspired affair bewteen Ms. Carr and Dan.  Can’t wait for that.  But be careful, Rachel, because Blair has officially waged war on you.  And a slip up such as Dan Humphrey could make it oh-so-easy.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies?

While Gossip Girl and the Queen Bee Wannabes search for Dan’s secret and Lily and Rufus search for their long lost son, Jack sets out to ruin his nephew’s life. And you thought your family reunions were torture. Chuck blows off Blair in favor of a gaggle of hoes and an eight ball of coke, and boy did he make the wrong decision. I’m not talking about being caught out by members of the Board, either. Leighton Meester looked PHENOM in the dress she was wearing when she got the “I’m working late” text from Chuck. Day-am.

The surprise congratulatory brunch for Chuck was this week’s host for the usual drama, with Chuck snapping at Blair and GG sending out a blast outing Dan and Serena’s shared half-brother. And surprise, Chuck! Jack didn’t mention that the board had the ability to replace you for poor behavior, did he? Poor Chuck is out of a hot mama, a huge corporation, a family… and he’ll never have the opportunity to live up to his father’s posthumous expectations. If you need a new shoulder to cry on, you can have mine.

Back to the rollercoaster that is Lily and Rufus’ search for their illegitimate son. First, the lawyers can’t find him. Then maybe they can. Then the new parents don’t want to talk. Then the father will. Then he drops a major bomb: their son died last year. I thought this was just an easy write-off on behalf of the GG writers, to bury (no pun intended) a fairly fallible subplot. But wait- just when you thought you could predict it all, wha-bam! The adoptive parents pull a Jack Bass, lying their way to completely alienate Andrew’s birth parents. This is certainly going to come back to haunt our favorite Upper East Siders in the future.

At the close of the episode, Serena and Dan decide they can work through their “hillbilly”-esque dilemma, Lily and Rufus seem quite cozy themselves, Blair finally washes her hands clean of Chuck, and Vanessa and Nate are celebrating their anniversary. Has it seriously been that long?

Well, fellow GG fanatics, I cannot wait for the supposedly-dead Andrew to shake things up, or for Chuck to wage war on the evil Uncle Jack. Too bad he ruined things with Blair, or he could totally set a pedophile trap for his pervy uncle and take back his company. But hey, anything’s possible in Gossip Girl world.