Hey Dude,

I’m an incoming freshman with a really embarrassing secret. I still haven’t had my first kiss. Now, before you start thinking that it’s because I’m socially inept or totally ugly, let me explain. I went to an all girls high school and while many people might think this means I can’t talk to guys, the truth is I’m pretty good at it. I’ve had my fair share of crushes and almost-boyfriends but I’ve still never been kissed. I think this has to do with the fact that I’m way past the average age for such a thing to happen so part of me wants to look for someone special to share my first kiss with, if that makes any sense. Basically I mean that, for a thirteen-year-old (which is probably around the average age for a first kiss), a first kiss is really special. So, as an eighteen-year-old lip virgin, I still hold on to this feeling that my first kiss should be special, too. I’ve been to parties where I’ve danced with guys and almost hooked up with them, but then at the last moment I think “wait, I don’t even know this guy’s name, he’ll totally be able to tell that I’ve never done this before, and do I really want my first kiss to be while I’m drunk and he probably won’t even remember?” I’m conflicted because while I want to just get my first kiss over with so I can enjoy randomly hooking up in college, part of me still wants my first kiss to be special. Every day I flip back and forth between these two options.

So, I have a few worries that you may be able to help me out with: 1- Do I throw out my morals and kiss the guy I just met or do I wait it out for someone special? 2- What if the guy can tell it’s my first kiss? 3- Considering I told you I haven’t had my first kiss, you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t had any “sexual encounters” with any guys…will college guys think I’m weird because of this? 4- I’m also worried that if I do just give in and hook up with some random guy, I’ll feel something more for him (because it was my first kiss) and he won’t think anything of it.

I really need your help, Dude.

Thanks,

Never Been Kissed

Dear Never Been Kissed,

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:

“4- I’m also worried that if I do just give in and hook up with some random guy, I’ll feel something more for him (because it was my first kiss) and he won’t think anything of it.”

The act of kissing, or most sexual acts, rarely actually cause you to create feelings for someone that you didn’t already have some inkling of in the first place. Sometimes having sex or kissing a guy can embellish or amplify or exaggerate those feelings, be they of happiness or hate, rejoice or regret or anything else lingering underneath your motivations, be they horniness or desperation or love or…

This sounds more like a fear of the unknown than anything you need to be rationally worried about. You don’t just fall for someone because you kiss him. You fall for him because the kiss was FU*KING FANTASTIC! Or you already liked him before you kissed him. Or you regret it because you built it up to be something big that it actually isn’t. Which you might be doing.

Kissing someone doesn’t drastically change who you are, neither does having sex, in general. It’s not like you’ll regenerate into the twelfth doctor. You’ll still be you, having done something that you’ll have a reaction to that can range anywhere from indifference to repression. You just don’t know until you do it so you can’t POSSIBLY know what’ll happen until it happens. You don’t have the experience yet to judge the situation objectively. And that’s fine. That’s part of the fear. That’s part of the excitement. First you’ll have to determine what you think about it before dealing with whatever he thinks about it. However, for the posterity of postulating, if you randomly hook-up with a random guy, he may think “Nice!”, “She’s into me!”, “Great fu*king night,” “How far can I get?”, “What am I doing??!?! I already have a girlfriend,” or the ever popular “…” What he thinks depends on him, the context of the kiss, and what kind of guy he is. Which might also depend on his sobriety level, and a million other variables you can’t control so don’t bother trying to.

“3- Considering I told you I haven’t had my first kiss, you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t had any “sexual encounters” with any guys…will college guys think I’m weird because of this?”

Probably not. Lots of college guys aren’t as experienced as they want you to think. The ones who are experienced and use it as some kind of “cool currency” are morons. And the rest might need a second to process you’re more inexperienced but won’t care.

If he likes you, then he REALLY won’t think you’re weird because of it. The person who’s judging you about your lack of experience right now is you. Is it a positive or negative judgment? That’s for you to know and me to never know unless you write in again.

“2- What if the guy can tell it’s my first kiss?”

Guys can’t tell that. They can’t even tell if they’re good kissers. That’s fear talking, pointless, self-sabotaging fear that you don’t need to keep indulging in. Recognize it, accept you’re feeling it (don’t judge yourself for feeling it), and then do your best to let it go. Next time you get scared or nervous about it, repeat the process.

“1-Do I throw out my morals and kiss the guy I just met or do I wait it out for someone special?”

Throwing out morals is usually something you regret. Changing what your morals are, well, that’s something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. But if you feel like you would be violating your sense of self by just getting it out of the way with a random guy, then of course don’t do it. My job isn’t to convert you to one way of thinking or another, especially not mine. What I want to do here is make sure you feel comfortable making your decision according to what matters to YOU. If it matters to you who you’re first kiss is with, then make it count.

A first and a last of anything is usually something you remember. Sometimes you remember it as something that changed your life, sometimes you remember it as being something you thought would change your life but you laugh at how naive you were to think that in the first place.

My first kiss was awful, for her more than for me…maybe. It was a peck because I was too scared to linger on her lips any longer for fear she’d think I was terrible at kissing and, you know, stop liking me. The next kiss was better…I’d built that first kiss up to be something that would suddenly change everything that I thought made me a loser. I was wrong. It was just a kiss. I look back on it, roll my eyes at what I was like at that point in my life, and I don’t regret it a bit. She wasn’t the love of my life, she wasn’t someone I was with long-term, nor was she a random hook-up. She was just the first girl I ever kissed…Plus, don’t forget, he might be a terrible kisser, so don’t put all the pressure on yourself!

My best advice is this: don’t lick his teeth, be mindful of teeth contact in general, don’t rely on your tongue to do all the work-you’ve got lips, too-and keep in mind that it’s just the first of many kisses to come. You’ll change as a kisser, same as you change as you get older. Keep some perspective.

*Mwuah*

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, 'can I date my ex's BFF?') over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a first kiss. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I know I’m not unattractive, I’ve had lots of “things”, flirted a fair amount, and I know the whole texting/facebook/hanging out deal, but for some reason, I’ve never been able to seal the deal.

I’ve been hanging out with lots of guys as of late and I’m pretty sure that a few are interested in being more than friends. I’m excited, but this whole inexperience thing also makes me self concious.

What I want to know is, is it weird to let these guys know I’ve never had a boyfriend? I mean I know that they’re going to find out eventually, but when is a good time to mention this? The same goes for the whole never been kissed thing- should I mention these things before/after/or at all? I don’t want to freak anyone by telling them they were my “first kiss”- should I even mention it?

-Kiss and Tell

Dear Kiss and Tell,

You’re not alone. The inexperienced are everywhere. A lot of people don’t lose their virginities until their early 20’s and many people enter into college without ever having had a significant relationship. Unfortunately, the inexperienced have been assigned a certain stigma that I’m going to attempt to help you overcome.

Society has tried to engrain in our brains that being sexually inexperienced must mean that there’s something wrong with you. The sexually inexperienced are cast in pop culture as weirdos, freaks, geeks, or butt-ugly. This, in one man’s opinion, contributes to the idea that you have to get rid of your firsts as fast as possible (see American Pie for an example of how the virgin has been ostracized from a “happy, normal life”). That’s not exactly a positive message and certainly devalues any emotional intimacy and the savoring of those firsts we all experience. No, they might not change your lives (some might) and I’m not advocating celibacy before marriage – I am preaching to get rid of the shame that’s been heaved upon you for not getting a BJ by the time you’re 14.

Kiss and Tell, I don’t want you to be ashamed of the lack of notches on your belt. In terms of dealing with my gender on this one, some guys are turned off or believe being a first puts on a ton of emotional responsibility that they can’t handle. Others don’t care one way or the other. Then there are those rarer types that like a less weathered woman that they can help explore their sexuality and emotional depths with.  What matters is how comfortable you feel about it and how comfortable you feel with the guy.

What do you want from these men? Do you just want a hook-up or something more serious? The discretion is yours. If you just want a fun time then don’t feel the need to tell them anything about your personal history. If you want something more, then reveal it when you feel comfortable enough to. It’s truly your call. Just try not to lie about it. When you lie about your past then that denotes you’re ashamed of it. On the other hand, don’t feel like you need to justify anything with your past either because that might also be a sign of shame. At the end of the day, up until a certain point of emotional investment in a guy, it’s none of his business anyway.

If a guy wants nothing to do with you because of your resume then you want nothing to do with him. On the other hand, if your resume is the biggest attraction to a guy, you don’t anything to do with him either. Your past shouldn’t be a make-it or break-it point. Although if you’d contracted any kind of STI’s or STD’s that’s something you’d HAVE to reveal when wanting to perform the horizontal mambo.

The past doesn’t dictate your present decision. What happened, happened. What’s happening is still malleable. Your past is only going to be a problem if you treat it like one. Don’t worry about never having kissed a guy before, just focus on whether or not you want to kiss the guy NOW.

Come what may,
The Dude

It was the second to last weekend of college. Lawns were packed by day and the bars were crowded at night. Therefore it makes sense that it was the weekend that I contracted a deadly disgusting eye infection that prevented me from socializing properly. I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t pretty. But the worst part wasn’t my eyes, it was the fact that I couldn’t wear contacts for five whole days.

I wear my glasses so rarely at college that my roommate didn’t believe that I was telling the truth about even wearing contacts. They bring back memories of braces, awkwardness, and greasy hair so I try to avoid them at all costs. Even when I’ve had eye issues before I’ve gone the one-contact-contract-a-headache route rather than wear glasses. But this time I didn’t have a choice; it was either my permanent eyesight or glasses in public. I debated for a few minutes and had a short and pleasant daydream about life with two glass eyes.

Then I picked up my eye drops and prepared my social suicide. At first I decided I was just going to hibernate for five days and not let anyone see me in my glasses. I’m not the type of person that looks more scholarly in my glasses; I’m the type of person that looks like the one-eyed Fratelli brother from the Goonies. But then I gave myself a pep talk that it was almost the end of college and it was stupid of me to stay in just because I felt like I looked like Trunchbull’s less attractive librarian sister. I had to leave my apartment and I had to go to happy hour.

Then my friend laughed at me (that’s you Jessie!) like I was Josie Grosie and I chickened out. So instead I put on giant sunglasses to hide the sorry state that was my eyes and I went out completely blind. It was all fun and games until I actually got to the bar and actually couldn’t see anyone. Finding my way to the bathroom proved more challenging then coming up with ugly movie characters to compare myself to in this blog. And no less than ten people made “too sunny in here for you?” jokes to which I replied, “actually I have a contagious, and possibly deadly eye infection.” It went over really well. Needless to say I went home alone that night.

However I didn’t learn my lesson. At all. And I did the sunglasses trick again during a huge outdoor drinking event the next day. I thought because it was daytime I could get away with my sunglasses. However the excessive drunkery (myself as well as others) plus record-breaking heat did not go well with the zero vision. Maybe I’m making a huge leap right now but I feel safe saying that I now know how Helen Keller felt.

Finally, Sunday night I gave in to myself and wore my glasses out. And to my astonishment, no one even said anything to me. There were no laughs or snickers or Molly American Girl Doll references.

But I’ve still added Lasik to graduation gift wish list.