So the first three months of your new romance have you got you sleeping over at his place every night, catching every meal together and bailing on girls’ night for a cuddlefest. While I hate to rain on your “young-and-in-love” parade, let me remind you that falling in love and gambling have a lot in common – it can be easy to lose it all but not so easy to get it all back.

Lesson 32: Don’t lose yourself in loving him.

When I listen to girls who’ve just met a great guy, it never seems as though loving that guy is enough for them. It’s as if they are trying to become him as they surround themselves with his friends, start living by his schedule, catering to his beliefs even if they go against everything they’d ever stood for in the past. What they fail to realize is that everything they do, every decision they make is really just his. You can love a man without emulating him.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, as it seems that girls can never hear this advice enough – single or not, live your life. You’d think that after years of our mothers and friends hammering this into our minds, it’d be second nature and yet, so many girls find themselves lost without the one they love. Being heartbroken is one thing, being lost is an entirely other thing. Don’t ever get so wrapped up in loving another person that you lose yourself in the process. There’s only one of you, which makes you pretty damn rare, so hold tight to who you are and what you believe in.

Alexander Hamilton got it right when he said “those who stand for nothing will fall for anything.” A lot of girls, so quick to avoid confrontation with the ones they love, often forget that compliance is not one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Those quick to surrender in a quarrel are usually also quick to surrender who they are. Be in a relationship with someone because it makes you a better person, not because it makes you a different person.

As a general rule of thumb when approaching new relationships, keep this in mind, “be open-minded, do not be malleable.” So you and your new guy don’t agree on everything, that’s no reason to back down from what you believe, simply agree to disagree and move on.

Don’t plan your life around a guy who just stepped in the picture. Even if you’re free to hang with him, try to spend that time with friends instead or better yet, by yourself doing the things you love to do. At the very least, if you don’t make time for your friends, you cant expect them to care when you want to vent about your boy problems, which let’s just admit to ourselves, are inevitable. And furthermore, your friends are the perfect reminders of you who are and they’ll keep you grounded, which is the best way to avoid the risk of losing yourself in love. And no, you can’t invite him to (or “accidentally” run into him at) girls’ night.

The girls who fall in love without falling into it, completely losing their own lives, don’t get nearly enough credit. Maybe you can’t have it all, but you can love him and love the life you have that doesn’t include him and yes, there most definitely should be parts of your life that don’t include him. Here’s to the girls who have hobbies, who cant wait for girls’ night, who can kick it with her guys’ friends and can spend every night in his bed, only as long as she’s had time to herself during the day – I salute you.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 31 rules of the Single Girl Society

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And they want you to, I know it.

Being in a relationship is fun, but don’t lose sight of the other important things in your life – namely, your friends. They were there before the BF and, if you play your cards right, they’ll be there after.

Need some ideas for balancing all the important people in your life? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

1. Don’t become a “we”: It’s easy to get carried away, especially in that honeymoon phase when you and your bf have to be together all. the. time. Soon enough, you stop being two people and morph into a “we.” You eat together, you sleep together, you shower together, you do everything together. All that is fine and dandy, but becoming a “we” doesn’t always go over well with your friends. When your girls invite you over to watch Grey’s Anatomy, they want to spend time with you, not you and your boyfriend. And the same goes for nights out, Sunday brunches and many other occasions. Do your part and ask if the boyf is invited before you bring him along to mani/pedi day.

2. Spend time apart: The more time you spend with your sig o., the more you isolate yourself from your friends (not to mention, the more the little things get annoying). Look, it’s totally healthy (and often times necessary) to spend a little time away from each other. Girls need time with their friends, and guys need time with their bros. And none of that can happen if you and boyfriend are Siamese twins.

So what should you do?

3. Pick a day (or a few!): My boyfriend and I pick a few days out of the week that we don’t spend the night together and we hang out with our friends. It’s a good system because we agree on it so we know exactly what to expect. I love it because I get my Tuesdays and Thursdays to watch my chick shows with my girls, and he can go play Halo or whatever he does with his bros. It’s a great system where everyone – me, him and all of our friends – win.

4. Communicate: Talk to your friends! Text and call them, especially when you’ve got a free minute to hang out. Oftentimes, if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, your friends are hesitant to ask you to hang out because of the many times they’ve been rejected with the “I can’t I’m with the bf” response. So reach out! And talk to the boyf as well – let him know that as much as you love spending time with him, you want to hang out with your girls.

5. Double Date: Most of my friends have boyfriends too so we go out on group dates, which is a good way for everyone to get to know each other. The bfs become friends, and you get to hang out with your ladies. Even if one of your single friends has a date, it’s a good opportunity to connect.

It’s really easy to get caught up with a relationship, but it’s just as easy to manage time between your BF and your BFFS. And I promise, you won’t miss out on anything if you aren’t with your significant other 24/7. You will, however, miss out on your friends when you’re with the boyfriend all the time.

So don’t let it happen. Learn the balance, make sure your friends know they’re still a priority and, contrary to what everyone says, you’ll be able to have your cake and eat it too.

But it is also a little scary. You want to show that special man who you are, but not enough to scare him off before you have the chance to steal his super-comfy sweatpants. And you find yourself constantly wondering if he thinks about you as much as you think about him, why he hasn’t called yet and if he minded that you screamed really loudly while watching Saw 3 the night before.

When I was younger, the scariest part of a new relationship – especially with someone I really liked – was walking the line between being myself and doing/saying things that I thought he wanted to hear. I know it sounds pathetic, but you know you’ve been there too; telling him you love Bob Seger only to freak when he asks your favorite song. Or pretending to be obsessed with The Sopranos and then wondering what station that show is even on.

Now that I am approaching adulthood (graduation is coming at me quickly!) I have finally come to terms with who I am on my own and in a relationship. I now realize that there are plenty of really good guys out there for me so I don’t have to settle for that douche bag who pops his collar and wears a giant gold chain.

But, I can’t be too stubborn. There are a few things I will tweak for a boy:

1. Hair Maintenance: Singledom means a break from leg/bikini cleanups. But even I know that it is only fair to do a little tidying if I expect anyone to approach.

2. Music Preference: Not that I will ditch my own amazing music collection (ranging from the tunes of Sister Act to the infamous Beastie Boys), but being in a new relationship is all about experiencing new things. Plus, it makes the option of a cuddly concert date much more probable.

3. Sport Viewing: I’ll be honest, while I enjoy watching all college sports, if I had the option to get a mani/pedi, I would ditch the TV in a nano-second. But, when there is a man in my life who loves sports, I am totally fine giving up some girl time to spend the day with him and some beers.

4. Underwear: No more torn/worn/granny panties for me. Enter the lace, flowers and super sexy sheer panties.

Things that I will absolutely not change for any man. Ever:

1. The Way I Look: You don’t like my hair; find a blonde. Not a fan of my thighs? Well, they don’t like you either. Any man who wants to be with me should love every inch. No matter how many there are. And if he doesn’t, he should shut up and learn to appreciate it.

2. My Obsession with Bravo: I know that “Bethenny Getting Married?” isn’t any sort of quality programming, but I love it. And yes, I even DVR it.

3. My Friends: I have the greatest friends in the world and I would not get rid of them for anything. I believe strongly that you can judge me by the friends I keep, so if some guy doesn’t like them, then he really isn’t going to like me.

4. My Sorority Sweatpants: I know they are torn and say the name of my sorority across the butt, but I love them… and will always, no matter how old I get.

5. My Hatred for Under-Nail Dirt: That is just nasty. Clean that sh*t up if you want to get near me.

What sorts of things are you willing (or totally unwilling) to compromise?

Some people are into long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and getting fancy. Other people are into staying in, watching movies, and keeping it low key. Some people work in big office buildings bringing in the cash, while others bus tables and do dishes for minimum wage. But what do all of these people have in common?  Some of them, from any category and walk of life, are into being tied up, spanked and dominated.

That’s right, folks, kinky people are everywhere.

I know when I used to think of “kink”, I would think of a leather daddy or someone who walks their boyfriend on a leash around the mall. We tend to be taught the extremes, so I never really thought of it any other way. Once I started educating myself on what it actually means to be kinky, I realized that the kinky lifestyle isn’t always so extreme after all.

Okay, so to start with, what is a kink? What’s a fetish? Broken down very simply, a kink is something that turns you on, while a fetish is something you have a hard time getting turned on without. Kinks are typically less extreme, like high heels and handcuffs, while a fetish is typically a bit more out there – like feet, centaurs, and genital mutilation. Not that there is anything wrong with either a kink or a fetish… that’s just usually how it plays out.

So what do you do if you start dating someone and soon discover that they’ve got a bit of a kinky side? Well, for starters, realize that the fact that they told you about it in the first place is a pretty big deal, and know that how you react to it will make all the difference. They didn’t tell you they have an illegitimate love child, they just told you they’re into something a little different. React accordingly. Next step would be to remember our little chat about being GGG. How can you participate in this kink in a way that’ll work for both of you? A little enthusiasm and understanding will go a long way. Just try to think of it from their perspective; how would you want someone to react if the situation was reversed?

Well, what do you do if the situation really is reversed? If it turns out you’ve got a little kink of your own, chances are the time will come to tell your partner. Like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, don’t treat it like it’s the worst news in the world. It’s just a little kink, it’s not a big deal. It is what it is, and since I know all the people who read this column have awesome taste in partners, I know your partners will be understanding and enthusiastic, just like you would be for them. If they’re not, and something just a little “different” in bed freaks them out, it’s not worth it. I can guarantee there will be people out there who are into, or can handle whatever it is you happen to be into.

The key here is to just keep an open mind. There’s no rule that says every time you have sex it has to be “love making” and wholesome (unless, that happens to be your kink…). Accept your/your partner’s kink for what it is —  something new and exciting to try out, experiment with, and enjoy the hell out of.

How cute is this guy?

Question for La Tuff?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and, you know, she might answer you and shoop.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been seeing this guy at school on-and-off since the beginning of the school year. He’s a freshman, I’m a sophomore. At the beginning, we hit it off great for about three weeks, and then he felt that he needed to keep his options open as a freshman–which I understood and let it go. He came back around Thanksgiving time and told me he wanted to start seeing me again, and I agreed. Things went great for a while, he called/texted me often over our month-long winter break, and I thought he seemed pretty into me. So, naturally, when we got back for spring semester, we were pretty into each other and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.

Well, this entire time, I’ve been afraid that he’s going to get distracted by some other pretty girl, and I’ve kept myself at a distance because I don’t want to get hurt. In a way, I’ve been playing some serious game–but it’s totally hurting me because I’m not being honest with him like this, or being honest with myself. So in a spur of the moment thing when I felt ready at the time, I told him how I felt–that he gave me the butterflies, made me feel like no one’s ever made me feel before, etc., and he just sort of said, “Okay. Do you feel better now that that’s off your chest?”

I feel like I’m always so confused by this guy and I hate it. For the first time in my dating history, he is the one who has the control and I hate feeling like I have none. But I’m also so totally, totally into him.

Please help me – I don’t know whether I should just drop this altogether to keep myself from getting hurt, or if I should stay with it to see what happens…

Sincerely,
He Drives Me Crazy

Dear HDMC,

Girl, what kind of attitude is this, waiting around nervously to see if he gets nabbed by “some other pretty girl?!” No, no, no, girl, not on my watch. Not. On. Tuffy’s. Watch.

Okay, so, like, you like him. I get that. I’m happy for you. But don’t imagine for one second that liking someone means you’re happy to let them walk all over you.

There are three main possibilities with this guy:

(1) He’s just not ready for a big commitment. No big. He is, after all, a college freshman. That’s pretty young to settle down. He may just be unsure about getting so serious so fast, when he’s only just entered college. If this is the case, you’ve got to reassess: How badly do you need for this to be a serious, committed relationship? If you’re okay with something casual for now (as in, this is just fun for now and may not be forever), then everything should be fine. Just remind yourself that this is what it is, and, if it evolves into something, great, and if not, there are always other cutie-pants fishies in the sea. After all, you’re quite young yourself.

If, however, you feel that’s not enough, DO NOT continue to date this guy. Don’t wait around for heartbreak, honey, because that’s what you’re asking for if you’re not honest with yourself (and him). If he wants casual, don’t wait around because you’re sure he’ll eventually want to be serious, because it may or may not happen.

OR:

(2) He’s playing games with you. In this case, Tuffy sez: dump the SOB. Tuffy’s nervous about this one because of what you said about his inability to make up his mind, and then his, shall we say, rather cold reaction to your big emotional confession.

You may as well learn now that guys who play games never change. People who manipulate their lovers should not be rewarded. If you think he’s playing games to get the upper hand, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

OR:

(3) He’s just plain shy. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say when you tell him you’re falling for him, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t feel the same way. Like I said before, dude’s young–he doesn’t have that much emotional stuff to draw from yet. He may just not know how to say it back.

But the bottom line is that you’ll never know which one of these is true unless you really sit down and talk to him. Set aside a quiet date somewhere private where you’re both comfortable. Have a nice dinner, get all relaxed–and then have the talk. Tell him you’re really starting to develop strong feelings or him and that you wanted to know how he felt before you got too involved. Tell him it’s okay no matter how he feels, but that you just really need to know.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT get emotional. Be casual, relaxed, and smile. If you make him uncomfortable, I guarantee he will not be honest with you. You want to come out of this seeming reasonable, sweet, and not at all clingy.

After you talk, you can go home and make your own decision about whether or not you and he are on the same page. If it’s worth working out, work it out, girl! If not–well, how many times I gotta say it?! SO many cutie-pants fishes.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Is this too new for chocolates?

As we all know, celebrating Valentine’s Day when in a new relationship can be somewhat awkward.  How should you acknowledge the holiday?  Here are some tips from the gift giving experts at SomeoneSpoilMe.com.

Just Started Dating

If you just started dating someone and decided that you are going to spend Valentine’s Day together, you should definitely give him a gift.  There is no need to give him anything over the top – it should be thoughtful, but not too personal. Here are some great options for him…

If you know his favorite sports team, get him a get him a Red Jacket Vintage Sports tee ($32) or hat ($26+).

If you know his favorite TV show, get him a fan tee like Crooked Monkey’s “I Heart the Jersey Shore” ($28).

If you want to get him a gag gift, customize a tee for him with a funny saying or inside joke ($8+).

If he loves sweets, get him the Manly Brownie Sampler ($32). Enter the SPOILME discount code at checkout for 20% off.

If you are very comfortable with each other the lover vouchers ($7) are a really cute gift. They include candlelit baths & more. If he gets ahead of himself – tell him you will hold on to his IOU until you are ready!

If you just started dating, but decided not to spend Valentine’s Day together, you do not need to get him a gift; however, if you like him enough that you will be thinking of him on Valentine’s Day it doesn’t hurt to get him something.  In this instance, you definitely want to keep it small in the event he doesn’t reciprocate.  A Valentine’s Day edible cookie card is a great option.  It is inexpensive ($2.75) but can be personalized with a friendly note.

[A hearty thank you to our girls over at SomeoneSpoilMe.com for the great ideas! For more gift-giving, check 'em out!]

See ya later, Single Status!

It’s weird how it happens. One day you’re screaming “THIS IS MY SONG!” every time “Single Ladies” comes on at the bar, and the next…well, you’re doing the same thing, but it’s not actually true. After just over two years of being the most single person on the planet, I actually took the dive. It happened really unexpectedly with a cute acquaintance I have known for years. We started talking a little more, and things took off out of nowhere.

I used to want to jack people in the face when they said, “When you stop looking for a boyfriend, you’ll get one.” And even though that is exactly what happened, that’s still really annoying advice. I think I hate it largely because it takes the situation out of your hands; as if you have to be in some sort of cosmic state of perfect personal balance just to get a damn date. I think a better way to phrase the advice is this:

Beating yourself up over not having a boyfriend or becoming depressed that “there’s no one out there” isn’t going to make your perfect mate appear out of thin are. There are times when 5 guys ask you out in a week, and there are times when your only male interaction for months is with your Environmental Science professor (hopefully not the wrong kind of interaction…). You can control your love life, but only to a certain extent. You don’t completely control who you meet, when you meet them, or (even as much as we try) how they feel about you.

I think what these crappy advice givers mean to say is if you can be happy without a boyfriend, you won’t turn your love life into the biggest stress-sesh since applying to grad school. Hello, school is pressure, work is pressure, your parents are pressure…dating shouldn’t be. It’s not going into your GPA, so live a little. There are perks to being single, and there are perks to being coupled, so exploit what you have. Learning to enjoy your status no matter what it may be is the biggest breakthrough for women since the water bra; both help you work with what you’ve got.

While I do really dig my guy, I’m going to admit it: I already miss being single. My single friends glare at me when I say this, but I mean it. Look, just one week after finally taking the plunge into exclusivity, I met a super hot grad student from NYU while I was out (I’m pretty sure the relationship Gods were testing me). I couldn’t give him my number. It was more traumatizing for me than when my first goldfish died. So the next time you’re blubbering about flying solo, just remember; you get to mack on anyone and everyone, and you don’t have to shave your legs everyday. Love the perks while you can!

[Since Dannia went and got herself a man, we're lookin' for a new Single Lady. If you know someone who's living up the single life, have her send an email to editor@collegecandy.com. We want to share her experiences with the world.]

I’ve taken the liberty to analyze the various sexual shenanigans we get ourselves into, and I think I’ve come onto something. I’m starting to think that our sexual partners closely resemble that of our cellular telephone devices. Think I’m full of s**t? Well read on, nonbeliever.

The Crap Nokia aka The One Night Stand

So you’re hovering over the frat house toilet seat, trying not to get an STI or pee on yourself, and your phone slips out of your back pocket and plops into the water. Suddenly, you’re out of a cell phone and you need one, STAT. Just like getting dumped or running into your ex, I would think of this as a rather desperate situation. So what do you do? You go for the next easy thing that comes along and satisfies your basic needs. Just like your friend’s gigantic Nokia phone with Snake and an antenna, a one night stand will be there for you when you need one thing and one thing only. You may use Mr. Nokia for a night or two, but you can bet you’ll toss that puppy as soon as something better comes along.

The Motorola Razor aka The Friend with Benefits

Like a good friend, the Razor will always be there waiting for you when you need it. Even though it came out, like, twelve years ago, you can always get this puppy in a pinch without feeling totally desperate. Back when it was new, you may have put it (or a great guy friend/hook up) on a pedestal. Now that it’s been around for a while, however, you recognize its shortcomings and appreciate it for its ability to satisfy your basic needs without becoming too attached. Plus, if you decide to upgrade and it won’t work out, you can count on the Razor guy to be around when you need him most.

Blackberry aka The New Relationship

When I got my blackberry, I couldn’t put it down for the life of me. I just kept playing with it incessantly, causing my roommate to constantly make fun of me for being addicted to my “crackberry.” Just like a blackberry, a new relationship can feel like an addiction of sorts, whether it’s an addiction to the person, the sex, or the way that you feel in their presence. And, unlike the Razor or the Crap Nokia, the Blackberry has the ability to satisfy many needs rather than just the basics. This is the kinda phone (or gent) that you’ll want to hold onto as long as it works and fits into your lifestyle.

iPhone aka The Lover

Now I’ve never had an iPhone, but I can imagine once you own one you’ll never want to have anything else. The iPhone can do pretty much anything. It comes with the basic features, but, over time, you can add more and more applications to tend to all areas of your life. Once you get one of these babies, you’re gonna hold onto it as long as you can. Seriously, would anybody think twice about trading in the Iphone for a janky Nokia, Razor, or even a Blackberry? Just like a great love, you wouldn’t sacrifice the one that satisfies all of your needs for one that can only temporarily fulfill the most basic of desires.

Have you found your iPhone or are you still hangin round with the Crap Nokia, waiting for something better to come along? Let me know what’s on your mind!

There were a few things, however, I forgot to consider. For one, I’ve known this guy, like, forever. I know every girl he’s ever dated (and all the not-so-awesome deets about each breakup), his favorite foods at each of our fave places to eat, hell – I even know the names of the majority of his extended family. This means that he, too, knows almost as much about me. Although this does mean we get to skip the whole awkward (but sometimes exciting) getting-to-know-you stage, and jump right into the much more exciting getting-to-know-your-favorite-sex-position stage, this breadth of knowledge about each other did create it’s own awkward situations.

Basically, the filter that you normally have with new lovers when you’re trying to both impress them and butter them up was completely removed.

So, with help from my good friend/holiday hookup and other boyfriends past, I present to you my list of the top five things you never want to hear from your (new) lover.

5. That girl is so sexy. Some of you might disagree with me on this. However, I am slightly neurotic and although I will totally smile and pretend that I, too, find whatever girl my man is ogling with his eyes a real bombshell as well, I don’t like to hear it. Think it, fine. Tell your boys, fine. But don’t. tell. me.

4. You should really wear your hair curly again. It’s so beautiful. When your hair is in fact, straightened for the first time in four weeks because you finally decided to dig your Chi out of all your unpacked, unorganized luggage. Is this supposed to be flattering? Couldn’t you have told me that you love my hair curly when it actually IS curly? There are also other variations of this too, like, “Maybe you should really dye your hair again. It was so pretty blonde,” or “How about you get that tattoo removed? Your lower back looked so sexy without it.”

3. You’re crazy. I’ve written about this before. And trust me, I really don’t care if it he means crazy-sexy in a Marla Singer sorta way. There is nothing at all flattering about being called crazy by someone you trust with your innermost thoughts, feelings and neuroses. Nothing.

2. You’re a much different body type than I’m usually attracted to. So, he either means that you are a lot larger than his normal type (which is obviously not fun to hear) or a lot smaller than his usual type (which – in my mind at least – is a huge RED FLAG because it seems that most guys do stick to their particular “type”). Above mentioned dude actually said to me last week and I really didn’t know how to respond. He said he was normally into girls who had those big, muscular, soccer player legs and that mine were small and uh, soft. Thanks?

1. You remind me so much of (insert any other woman’s name here). Whether it’s his mama, his ex flame, his sister, his old best friend, that girl from Psych 101, this never makes anyone feel good. It makes us feel paranoid that he will leave us for whatever person he is comparing us to (well, uh, unless it’s a relative – then it just makes us feel homely and naggy!). Why can’t guys just love us for the unique, special, beautiful, flowers we are and quit comparing us to every other Brittany, Tiffany & Jenna they know?

Honorable mentions: “You have on too much makeup” and “If you’re gonna wanna do that, you’re gonna have to shave.” Ouch.

Alright girls, it’s your turn! What’s the worst thing you’ve heard from a new (or old) lover?

[ photo from michaelhyatt.com ]