Another day, another Bieber story. But this time, he’s not being accused of impregnating a random woman or having terrible hair. He has a new single! It’s called “Boyfriend.” You know, so that all the little 12 year old girls who are obsessed with Justin Bieber can pretend he’s singing it just for them.

I’ve never been a Bieber fan (cue the angry comments), but I think he’s reached a new level of awful with this song. In the intro, he makes sort of an attempt at rapping, but it’s more like a male version of the Ke$ha sing-talk. And then he starts singing, and from there the song pretty much turns into a Jesse McCartney ripoff.

Some sample lyrical gems: “I could be a Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe.” Come on Beibs. If I wanted a plastic doll for a boyfriend, obviously I would choose Ken. Oh, and also this: “If I was your man…” Wait, didn’t you just turn 18? LOL. Honey, you are nobody’s “man.”

Sigh. Justin Timberlake, where have you gone?! Please come back and save us from this.

Take a listen and decide for yourself – does this song make you want Justin Bieber to be your boyfriend?

Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. She is “that person” who starts dancing at a party when everyone else is standing around, and if there were a Facebook stalking Olympics, she would be a gold medalist. She also loves cheesy 90s music, and almost died of happiness when Vanilla Ice retweeted her. Once. Follow her on Twitter @garnethenderson.

20/20?!?!?

Yeah, I guess MTV was booked and VH1 wanted to squeeze in another season of The ’80s: Apparently The Greatest Decade Ever. So Brit Brit had to take her comeback vehicle over to that other prime-time music machine, 20/20.

As the world waits with bated breath for the visual celebration of “Womanizer,” let’s take a look at what we’re expecting from the video:

1) Gratuitous shots of Britney’s new-and-improved toned midsection

2) Slithering dance moves (either of the floor or pole variety)

3) Windblown hair and pouty face

4) Submissive guy candy

5) Some outrageous outfit (think “Oops I Did It Again”)

To see if our predictions come true, tune in this Friday to ABC at 10 pm.

Okay, so the lyrics. The main chorus claims, “I wanna make love in this club” over and over. Does that sketch anyone else out? I wasn’t aware that doing the dirty in a club was considered acceptable these days. I mean, can’t we make love when we get home from the club? You know, a little bit of privacy is always good. Or at least avoiding the promise of getting arrested. Usher doesn’t “care who’s watching,” but I think I might.

I was just starting to look past the lyrics and appreciate the song for its danceability, when Young Jeezy chimes in, sounding angry and vindictive and claiming that he’ll, “bag you like some groceries.” No thank you. He wants to “make a movie, yeah, rated R,” but I kind of think if we were making love in the club, the movie would be rated at least NC-17.

We’ll just have to wait for Usher’s full-album, set to hit stores this spring and hope for some more hits like “Yeah!,” “Caught Up,” and “You Make Me Wanna” (and that’s not “You Make Me Wanna Make Love in This Club”). And for now, we can get down to the new single, welcoming back Usher’s smooth voice and trying our best to ignore the lyrics.