When you ignore the obvious plight of your hair, what do you expect me to do? Sit back and let you believe girls like those greasy locks?

Maybe I could have let it go if you weren’t such an asshole. Maybe if you didn’t just say all those nice-ish (in your own special way) things to Audrina and then leave her at the party.

No goodbye. No explanation. Just a helmet. On a couch.

Fuck you.

But enough about you. There are much bigger things to discuss this week.

Namely: Spencer’s visit to Colorado and Brody’s Beach Partayy.

Visiting Mount Butt: Am I alone in this? Did everyone but me know that Heidi comes from a farm? Like a real farm! Not just a small town; there were ANIMALS at her house. How could a family that raises horses produce that bleached blonde, fake boobed bimbo? I just don’t understand it.

And the fact that Heidi thinks Spencer is just like her dad? I mean, I guess I can see it:

Dad: Farm boy

Spencer: City boy

Dad: Down to earth

Spencer: Douche bag

Dad: Jeans and a Tshirt kinda guy

Spencer: Sleeps in a Lacoste shirt kinda loser

Ah yes, Heidi; like two peas in a pod. And your parents seem so happy about this engagement. Perhaps they are jealous because the ring (supposedly) costs more than their house? Or maybe they realize that their little country girl has gone all city on em. Yeehaw!

Brody’s BBQ (aka “The Brody Breaks His Finger and Gets a Perm” Bash): This party looked a lot like the rest of the bonfire parties those Laguna kids always loved. Except in this one, someone gets hurt. And his hair gets really big and curly. And lots of people cry.

It was like sitting in the living room of my sorority house on a Friday night. Girls drink. Girls come home. Girls cry. Girls hug. Girls make stupid jokes about boys. Girls open fridge and eat everything that isn’t nailed down. God, this show really is reality TV. I just can’t wait to see how things go down with Lauren and Brody.

Will they rekindle their love? Will he make out with ugly Jen Bunny again?

Ah. Another 7 days until my questions are answered! I guess I’m just gonna have to watch the poor man’s Laguna, Newport Harbor, to get my trashy blonde fix.

Till next week…

If reading all about the personal lives of Lauren, Heidi, Spencer, Whitney, and whoever else thinks appearing on The Hills is a smart career move hasn’t been enough for you these last few months, you can stop wondering what they’ve been up to on August 13th!

Is Lauren really not talking to Heidi? Is Whitney’s job really a job? Does Spencer really love Heidi or did he brainwash her? How’s it going with Lauren and her brand new best friend/roommate?

MTV has you covered, so spend the rest of your precious summer vacation following the lives of these people.

I won’t judge.