Oh no he didn't.

Ah, getting dumped- we’ve all been there, and it’s not pretty. Whether it was a long-term, serious relationship or a fling in which the end was inevitable, getting broken up with sucks. A lot.  But even more pathetic than the subsequent week spent downing ice cream, getting incoherently drunk off boxed wine, and sobbing to your friends (“I did everythinggggg for him!”), is the way in which some dudes choose to perform the dumping.

So, I present to you, the 5 douchiest ways to get dumped. If your guy did any of these, take heart, because he obvi wasn’t worth your time in the first place. In fact, this turd isn’t worth anyone’s time, so put down the woe-is-me shots and move on, woman. You deserve better. And trust me – there’s a lot of better out there.

5. Via Text/AIM
Texting is a primary form of communication for college students, but when you’re sharing a bed on the reg, a face-to-face conversation is necessary.  Texts are meant for booty calls and talking during class, not for ending a relationship. “Dnt think we r wrking out. C U L8r.” is NOT proper breakup etiquette.

4. The Facebook relationship-status change
For all those a-holes who change their relationship status from”In a Relationship” to “Single” with absolutely no warning, this is just humiliating. It quickly shows up on the news feed of everyone you know, and the “OMG!” calls and texts start rolling in before you have even logged in for your first FB sesh of the day. This is more of an ambush than a civilized split, and the only thing worse is if it’s accompanied by an unfriending. Jerk.

3. The fade-out
Slowly but surely, he calls and texts less often and he doesn’t want to hang out as much. When you two are together, he treats you like crap. This loser is too chicken to tell you he’s not interested, so his plan is to gradually create distance until you’re unhappy and decide to do the dumping. Brilliant.

2. The third-party
The last thing a respectable girl needs is her boyfriend’s dumb-ass roommate/frat bro coming up to them and doing the dumping. “Uh so, Rob said he’s really sorry but uh, I think he wants to see other people and stuff.” Even worse if the friend orchestrates the breakup over #5. Give your ex a nice big slap in the face for this (if you ever see him in person again).

1. This third-party
Really!? A guy that makes a living off other people’s misery!? Whose actual profession is making people cry!? I can now say that I’ve seen it all. I don’t know who the bigger douche is, this guy or the guy who would pay him ten bucks to dump his girlfriend. If this happens to you, I condone any and all forms of revenge you can think of (preferably involving public humiliation).

“There’s a ‘new’ Facebook?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Is it bad that I want to go home right now just to try it out?”

“Definitely,” I responded. “Stay here and get drunk. New Facebook will be waiting when the bar closes.”

Facebook has had quite the impact on American pop culture. I mean, really? This guy wanted to leave the bar to try it!? Whenever there’s even a minimal change in the layout and operation of the social network, it causes an uproar.

Remember when mini-feed first popped up? Immediately, groups sprouted all over the internet:

“Down with Mini-Feed!”

“Boycott F/B if They Don’t Get Rid of Mini-Feed Immediately!”

“Facebook Makes Stalking Easier with Mini-Feed!”

You get the point. Of course, now we’re all used to the program, and many of us keep updated via mini-feed every day: “Hey, I saw on Mini-Feed that you got a new job, congratulations!”

So, even though I’m hesitant to add too many applications (I don’t like that we have to check a box giving the ‘application’ full access to the info in our profiles), and even though I’m fully content keeping tabs on my friends the “old way,” I decided to check out the hullabaloo that is The New Facebook.

The Initial Log In

Okay, at first glance, it just looks more… horizontal. News Feed is on the front page, but you can organize the layout by clicking the appropriate tabs: Top Stories, Status Updates, Photos, and Posted Items. Right now, I’m on the “Photos” tab. So I can see that a woman from my office was tagged in a work-related album, an old friend has been partying it up enough to be tagged in TWO new albums, and some girl I haven’t talked to in over a year added new photos to remember her first encounter at a local bar, which, personally, I think is an overrated drinking establishment. Each news feed story is accompanied by four sample photos from the respective albums.

Doesn’t regular Facebook do that too?

Only 30 seconds into “New Facebook,” and I’m already forgetting what “Old Facebook” is like.

My Profile

My profile is certainly wider. The top bar offers links to myself (but I’m already looking at my own profile?), Friends, Applications, and Inbox. Instead of viewing my whole profile in one go, however, there is also a tabs bar for me to choose from “Wall,” “Info,” and “Photos.” Hmmm… seems like a lot of clicking. Why can’t I see my wall AND my info on my own profile?

Wall is the default tab, apparently, and the layout features both wall posts and my status updates. Okay, this is different… but does it matter? I can see that yesterday, I wrote on two friends’ walls, on August 4th, I added the “Free Gifts” application, and my cousin was the last person to write on my wall. Yawn. Let’s move on to the stalking.

My Friend’s Profile

I decided to test out my friend Dave’s profile. My view of his profile is exactly the same as mine: his Wall is the default tab, with options to view his Info and Photos available. Again, his wall comments are intermingled with mini-feed. Yesterday, some girl wrote on his wall; on August 4th, he got three comments; on August 3rd, he was tagged in 11 photos. I think it’s strange that someone else’s wall would be my default. I mean, if I had just added Dave, my first introduction to his Facebook would be a bunch of comments from people that I may or may not know.

Personally, I like to see how people describe themselves and their favorite music, movies, etc. It feels a bit like eavesdropping to see these comments, even though they were posted on a public sphere. Maybe the rest of the Facebook-using world likes to write on someone’s wall immediately after having a friend request accepted, but now I feel like I’ll have to censor the inside jokes I drunkenly post on Dave’s wall, because the Wall is now in the F/B spotlight.

I think the only upside here is that you don’t have to scroll down pages of applications, bumper stickers, and SuperWall posts in order to find the place to write your own comments to your friends. (Editor’s Note: BIGGEST PET PEEVE EVER!)

Conclusion?

Before I could try New Facebook, a friend set her status to “…took only five minutes to realize she hates the new Facebook.” I don’t think it’s that bad, but I really don’t see all the rage about a “NEW” Facebook. I was expecting a cyber-adventure. What I found, really, was just a few more links to click on to surf around the social networking. I suppose if Facebook is a major method of procrastination for you, the new version is more time-consuming.

I write the following with the understanding that no matter how annoying Facebook can be, it will never be more annoying than Myspace. (Editor’s Note: I am not so sure…) And I will not stop using Facebook because of these things.

10. People You May Know. Otherwise known as “People that you don’t know well enough to be friends with”, “People who have rejected your friend request”, or “People you hate and would never friend even if their lives somehow depended on you friending them.” Facebook has been around long enough that if you haven’t found your friend yet, and he or she hasn’t found you, then you probably aren’t very good friends to begin with.

9. The Mini-Feed. Because you need constant reminder of the things you’ve recently done or said. Or applications you’ve added. Or songs you’ve listened to. Or things you’ve edited. The mini feed takes up like ¼ of your page (unless you are a dirty application whore: see below) and when you try to delete things, it keeps adding other things from days and weeks ago.

8. The Education and Work box. I say this is annoying, but it’s honestly the first thing I look at on someone else’s page. I do it because I am a masochist and I like to hurt myself by seeing how well these people that I hardly know are doing in places that I would love to move to.

7. Bikini profile pictures. Yes, you are young and skinny and attractive and you have great times at the beach with your girlfriends. I get it.

6. Picture-takers. One of my best friends is one of these people and has, last count, 60 photo albums on her page. 60! That’s not 60 pictures, 60 albums. And so, on any given day, there will be ten or twenty new pictures of her on my news feed. I love her to death, and I never tire of her face, but girlfriend has 1462 pictures on facebook. Seems a tad much.

5. People who spend too much time on facebook. And totally take over my news feed with twelve different, whiny status updates a day (“Douchebag Jones…is still in love with her.” “Douchebag Jones…wishes she knew how this feels”) and the copious addition of applications. Which leads me to…

4. People who update facebook with the minutiae of their lives. “Douchebag is sleeping”, “Douchebag is eating cheese” “Douchebag is playing World of Warcraft”. “Douchebag feels lonely”.

3. People who have way, way too many applications on their page. Applications make the page totally unreadable and impossible to navigate, not to mention totally obnoxious and boring. I propose a 5-application limit. Which leads me to…

2. Stupid g*ddamn applications. Flair, pin-up quizzes, movies, books, causes, werewolves, vampires, scrabulous, Entourage, super walls, heroes ability, which Sex and the City character are you?, lolcats, growing pets—all. too. much. And totally uninteresting to anyone that goes on your page. And honestly, do you keep up with them? My least favorite one is the compare people application, because there is always that one friend that is #1 in everything! Makes me feel like crap.

1. Application invites. They make me turn-into-the-hulk mad. I don’t want to be on your zombie army and I don’t care what stupid thing you have written on my fun wall. And if I wanted to see what superlative you nominated me for, I have to download the whole effing application to do so. And then the application tricks you into sending invites to everyone on your friends list who, if they are anything like me, will resent you for it. And I’ve yet to find the “turn off all application invites” option if such a thing exists.

Getting that off my chest should make me feel better, but I find myself so. tense. Maybe one of my friends will send me a FB drink to make me feel better….