Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why.

5) When Things Pop Out In An Attempt To Scare, I Always Get Scared

I know that it’s like, part of the fun, or whatever, when the music suddenly swells and a creepy things pop up all creepy, or someone is grabbed ,or a face appears in a mirror, but that sh*t gives me a heart attack every time. I lose my breath and my heart flips out and then I get really violently angry. Like I want to punch the TV for doing that to me. I get scared and then I get pissed and then my whole day is ruined.

4) Weird Noises Always Happen Afterwards

Whether I’m back at my childhood home, in a dorm, or at my apartment, after watching (or accidentally watching) a horror movie, weird noises will keep me awake all night. It never ceases to amaze me that it happens every single time. The wood creaks, my closet door won’t shut all the way, something scurries across the floor…my bedroom isn’t haunted until I watch a scary movie. Then it’s haunted. Totally, Ghostbusterly, haunted.

3) I Get Dizzy At The Sight Of Blood

Yup. Sorry. It’s true. I never used to get woozy when I saw platelets, but after childhood ended, so did my interest in inspecting a pricked finger. If I cut myself I have to squint and then find a band-aid. If someone is bleeding around me I have to run for cover and take deep breaths. Knowing my intolerance, how could I possibly sit through 90 minutes of splattering? Watching someone get their arm ripped off isn’t really cool, but when lots of blood is involved with that arm-ripping, it becomes absolutely nauseating for me. No one should have to drag a barf bucket into a movie theater with them. Dates don’t like it.

2) I Do Not Need More Violence In My Life

Currently, life is really scary as is. I see enough horrible stuff about the Iraq War and on the streets of NYC to last me for years — why would I want to up my violence quotient with half-naked girls getting sliced in half? Scary sh*t doesn’t turn me on or excite me, it just makes me sad and simultaneously want to pee my pants in fear.

1) I Have Nightmares Like A 7-Year-Old Kid

Some people can watch horror movies and then go eat an ice cream and play scrabble with their parents. Me? I lie in bed and replay everything I saw until A) I drift off into horrible, horrible nightmares or B ) I drift off into really horrible, horrible nightmares. The kind of nightmares where you wake up and instantly want to crawl into your parents’ bed but can’t because you’re 25. I wake up in tears. I wake up running. Bad news bears, my friends. Bad news bears.

[Have any reasons of your own for not being able to watch horror movies?]

Coney Island adds a new “ride“. Can we go? CAN WE, CAN WE?

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Perez Hilton layin’ off the donuts to get laid. Unfortunately, he still sucks.

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I am afraid to go to sleep now. For real.

Hillary, give it up already. You lost. Pack up the pride and just walk away.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: not realistic (and not only because of those magical pants).

Top 10 Mispronunciations that Make You Look Stupid.

I had a lot of nightmares as a kid. Thanks to these nightmares and various frightening films I’ve developed a hilarious set of OCD habits such as opening and closing closet doors before sleeping and checking behind the shower curtain before I saddle up to the toilet (you laugh but one day someone is gonna be in there and then who’s the dumb one!)

My imagination is easily inspired. For a while I couldn’t even watch a commercial for a horror movie because I knew those 30 seconds were enough to create an entire world of horrific fantasy that I’d be trapped inside for the rest of the evening. The one thing more unnerving then horror characters and sharks (I don’t swim in the ocean, at all, ever) is muppets.

Not all muppets, Kermit is fine, Fozzy, whatever. I’m talking about those LSD muppets that creators slip in films and TV shows, mixed with other cute, lovable creatures. They lure you in with Grover and then BAM, some abomination walks onto the screen that’s burned into your mind forever. Some horribly disfigured, warbly voiced monstrosity that may as well be drenched in blood, because thats how you’ll remember them, regardless.

Here’s five of the worst perpetrators.

5) Sesame Street’s Big Bad Wolf

He first appeared in a mock ‘News Report’ that Kermit was doing about the story of the 3 Little Pigs, but eventually was cast in a full time role in my brain as the monster that lived in the crawlspace behind our dryer. His nose and mouth are almost crocodilian in length, making him a hybrid death machine that can not only eat you whole, but smell (and enjoy) your fear.

4) Sesame Street’s Yip Yip Aliens

Who the f*ck invented these? I’ve seen like 3/4th’s of every science fiction movie ever and I’ve never observed a more frightening rendition of creatures from another planet. They have no body, and their circular mouths are contorted into a look of excruciating pain. The sound they omit — ‘Yip Yip‘ — over and over gives them an almost zombie-like demeanor. Incapable of love or communication, their race knows only war.

3) Skeksis from ‘The Dark Crystal’

Bird reptiles that appear to have some type of bizarre bone disease and turn infantile when they die/age. As someone who grew up around wild turkeys, the thought of gangs of intelligent, upright walking, violent minded birds hit very close to home.

2) The Rockbiter from ‘The Never-ending Story’

Could you have designed a more horribly disfigured face? My cousins would loop this scene and force me to watch it as a form of torture.

1) The Fiery Gang from ‘The Labyrinth’

A gang of forest dwelling, possible serial rapist apes who sing about ’showing you a good time’ while removing their limbs and creating a gallery of horrifyingly twisted body shapes. Then they try to rip your head off, in an effort to make you more like them. Awesome, just awesome.

[Got any childhood fears induced by muppets? We want to know]