When I was 17, I was wasting gas and cruising around in my new Ford Escort, jamming to Destiny’s Child. Occasionally me and my girlfriends would get really rebellious and hit up the McDonald’s drive thru for some dollar menu action.  That was my life.

Obviously, Miley Cyrus’s life is taking a different course, and at 17, she is moving into her very own house! It is about time; I’m sure Liam is getting fed up with sleeping on the couch and listening to Billy Ray strum along on his guitar.

While it seems a little crazy for most normal people to move out on their own at a measly 17-years-old, but we have a feeling we know why Miley’s packing her boxes and leaving Casa De Cyrus.

1. She Wants to Have Sex
I don’t know about you, but if I were dating a walking hunk o’ burning fire like Liam Hemsworth, I wouldn’t my parents even around to see the way I look at him.  It would be borderline offensive.

2. Billy Ray
It’s gotta get annoying to wake up every morning to the sounds of your (straightened) mullet-headed father strumming his guitar in hopes you might record a duet with him. Or to always have to listen to the story about that time he had the #1 song in the country. Or to have to give your parents a weekly allowance from your Hannah Montana fund…. Read More »

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Yeah, I dressed up as a slutty sorority girl for Halloween one year. Yeah, I wore a mini skirt, knee pads and taped condoms to my t-shirt. Yeah, I looked like a total whore. But I was 20…. and my costume was nothing compared to my BFF’s sexy flapper look (we did a group thing: Sluts of the Century…)

And now I feel even better about my choices that night having seen Miley’s little sis prancing around town in this little get-up. This girl is nine. NINE. And she’s wearing knee-high boots and some skankalicious little number up top. Upon first glance I thought I even saw some pubic hair popping out of that “dress,” but then I realized I was wrong. Because that’s not possible. Because she’s in 3rd grade.

Like most people flipping a shiz over this less-than-Disney look, I’m appalled that anyone besides Dina Lohan would let their nine-year-old daughter leave the house in something like this. But I’m also really grateful that they did. I mean, how can I feel bad about my own Halloween choices when a mini-skank like this is out there?

Seriously, I’m gonna look like (slutty) Mother Theresa compared to this chick on Friday.

So thanks, Billy Ray! And thank you, Noah. You sure know how to make a college girl feel pure. I just can’t wait to see what you pull out next year… after you’ve gotten those implants for your big double digit birthday!

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