Obviously, Miley Cyrus’s life is taking a different course, and at 17, she is moving into her very own house! It is about time; I’m sure Liam is getting fed up with sleeping on the couch and listening to Billy Ray strum along on his guitar.

While it seems a little crazy for most normal people to move out on their own at a measly 17-years-old, but we have a feeling we know why Miley’s packing her boxes and leaving Casa De Cyrus.

1. She Wants to Have Sex
I don’t know about you, but if I were dating a walking hunk o’ burning fire like Liam Hemsworth, I wouldn’t my parents even around to see the way I look at him.  It would be borderline offensive.

2. Billy Ray
It’s gotta get annoying to wake up every morning to the sounds of your (straightened) mullet-headed father strumming his guitar in hopes you might record a duet with him. Or to always have to listen to the story about that time he had the #1 song in the country. Or to have to give your parents a weekly allowance from your Hannah Montana fund….

3. Her Crazy Little Sister
I understand slight annoyance comes with the ‘little sister’ package, but Noah Cyrus is a different story.  Somebody is feeding that little girl too many jelly beans.  The girl’s got crazy eyes.

4. Who Didn’t Want to Move Out at 17?
Seriously, between curfew, chores and your parents making you sign off AIM so they could do whatever it is parents do on the computer, who wasn’t ready for a bachelorette pad of their own at 17? A place where you could eat candy for breakfast, ice cream for lunch and watch as much trashy MTV programming as you wanted without mom and dad breathing down your neck about Disney movies college applications.

5. She Wants to Have Sex
Isn’t it obvious?

But don’t worry!  Miley is only moving a couple blocks away from her parentals (so they will only be able to hear the distant screams of Miley getting rowdy with Mr. Hemsworth) and Mama Cyrus is even helping Miley design her home so it feels, “really zen.”

Little does she know, ‘zen’ is code for ‘freaky sex chamber.’

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And now I feel even better about my choices that night having seen Miley’s little sis prancing around town in this little get-up. This girl is nine. NINE. And she’s wearing knee-high boots and some skankalicious little number up top. Upon first glance I thought I even saw some pubic hair popping out of that “dress,” but then I realized I was wrong. Because that’s not possible. Because she’s in 3rd grade.

Like most people flipping a shiz over this less-than-Disney look, I’m appalled that anyone besides Dina Lohan would let their nine-year-old daughter leave the house in something like this. But I’m also really grateful that they did. I mean, how can I feel bad about my own Halloween choices when a mini-skank like this is out there?

Seriously, I’m gonna look like (slutty) Mother Theresa compared to this chick on Friday.

So thanks, Billy Ray! And thank you, Noah. You sure know how to make a college girl feel pure. I just can’t wait to see what you pull out next year… after you’ve gotten those implants for your big double digit birthday!

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