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We’ve covered college rivalries centered around sports, location, tradition, gender (and many other factors), but what about academics? Besides endless keggers and lack of parental supervision social stimulation,  isn’t an education the reason we came to school in the first place? That’s the way students at California Institute of Technology (Caltech) and Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) look at things. The two schools boast impressive faculty rosters, tirelessly motivated students, dozens of highly decorated alumni, and a fond affinity for pranks.  Which school will most likely produce the discovery of a cure for cancer? Let’s assess the variables.

1. Provocative Pranks

Caltech – Though certainly not an athletics powerhouse, Caltech once made an appearance at the Rose Bowl. In what’s known as The Great Rose Bowl Hoax, in 1961 Caltech students designed a series of cards to be held up by spectators at the Rose Bowl (contested between Washington and Minnesota) to read “CALTECH.” And in the last decade, several Caltech students appeared at MIT’s  campus preview weekend to hand out t-shirts reading “MIT” on the front…that when unwrapped were found to read “Because not everyone can go to Caltech” on the back.
MIT -Excuse us – at MIT, they’re called “hacks,” not “pranks.” A popular one is finding another place to hide MIT’s unofficial acronymous slogan, IHTFP (“I Hate This Fucking Place”), which has been delicately placed everywhere from class rings to assemblies of giant letter cubes in campus lobbies. The most epic Caltech hack occurred when a bunch of MIT students disguised as movers removed a 1.7 ton cannon from the Pasadena campus and drove it all the way back to Cambridge.

Three credits to: Looks like Caltech is tops in this category, for originality and humor.

2. Nobel Prize Tally

Caltech – Boasts 31 Nobel Prizes among 30 winners; chemist Linus Pauling won in 1954 for chemistry (natch), and the 1962 Peace Prize for preventing the testing of nuclear weapons.
MIT – Affiliates have brought home 63 Nobel prizes, including 27 for physics alone!

Three Credits to:  MIT hits one out of the park!

3. Terrific Traditions

Caltech – Ditch Day is an annual tradition in which seniors design a handful of tasks for underclassmen to perform to gain entry into their dormitories, which are trapped. Professors cancel classes and students consider it the highlight of the year.
MIT – Designing each year’s class ring, known as the Brass Rat, is a storied tradition carried on by students in Cambridge. It forms a bond between all students and alumni, and it’s a campus pastime to try to find the letters IHTFP somewhere in the design (see Provocative Pranks, above).

Three credits to:  Caltech, since trapping doors usually results in arrest elsewhere.

4. Ass-kicking Alumni

Caltech – Frank Oppenheimer (physicist on the Manhattan Project), William Shockley (invented the transistor radio), Sabeer Bhatia (co-founder of Hotmail)
MIT – Buzz Aldrin, George Eastman (founder of Eastman-Kodak),  Benjamin Netanyahu (PM of Israel),  (Honorable mention, from the MIT Admissions website: “Steve Altes ‘84, Brad Pitt body double and model on the box of “Just For Men” Sandy Blond hair color”)

Three credits to: MIT, for alumni who span, erm, all trades.

5. Acceptance Rate Agony

Caltech – 17.4% for the class of 2012
MIT – 11.4% for the class of 2012

Three credits to:  MIT, though both schools tied for 4th place in US News & World Report’s Best College Rankings 2010

And the diploma goes to: The score is MIT 3-2! Can’t argue with math, folks!

That’s one of the reasons that I read teen fiction. It always has a great message and doesn’t try to be precocious. Teen fiction – written to inspire a love of reading in young peoples’ hearts – is written soulfully and simply. And I love it.

One of my favorite teen fiction reads is “Looking for Alaska” by John Green. This is Green’s debut novel and, in my opinion, his best to date (although “Paper Towns” and “An Abundance of Katherines” are great as well!). He writes from the perspective of a naive teenage boy, finding his first love. I find this book so beautiful and honest and, most importantly, quirky.

Green insists on all of his characters being a little off kilter. Pudge, the main character, collects the dying words of famous people, while Alaska, the main female character, named herself. The story is a believable and important one and the ending is simply mind-blowing.

Green’s talent as a writer shines through in this stunning debut, but it also maintains a unique quality that I only find in teen books – that is, poignant honesty and nothing unnecessary to the story. He doesn’t try to overcrowd his book with big words or intense metaphors; he simply tells a beautiful story, simply.

I have been addicted to Diet Coke for years. I used to start off with a jumbo fountain D.C. on my way to class at 10 AM, followed by another one at lunch and yet another (mixed with rum) for an evening snack. There was nothing on this planet that could come between me and my beloved Diet Coke. In fact, I wasn’t sure there was any way I could love it any more.

But, dear readers, there is: it seems that not only is Diet Coke the tastiest, most delectable treat on this planet….

It is also an effective spermicide!

Oh yeah! You heard me. That stuff you have been drinking by the gallon also happens to be strong enough to kill those little impregnators. Could there be a more perfect beverage? I think not.

Sure, this fact may worry some people (“blah blah how can I put something in my body that is strong enough to kill sperm blah blah blah?), but I couldn’t be happier! Just think of the possibilities:

No need for condoms or birth control when you have a 20 ouncer in the fridge! (Note: not quite sure how one would go about using that 20 ouncer as a contraceptive….) Or better yet, Coca Cola condoms! They taste like Diet Coke (which will make me much more happy to get near ‘em) and have the same effectiveness at preventing pregnancy as a can of D.C.!

This changes everything.

This past weekend at a celebrity memorabilia auction in Las Vegas, Larry Birkhead, opportunistic baby daddy extraordinaire, purchased some drawers once worn by the late hot mess Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy spread.

Birkhead spent a reported $2800 on a pink bustier and white negligee with the intention of someday giving the items to he and Smith’s year-old daughter, Dannielynn. According to one report, Birkhead said he bought the items in the hope that they will someday help Dannielynn understand her mother’s life and that this was definitely NOT a stunt to ensure his F-List ass stays in the papers. For realzies, guys. Make sure you get my good side.

That poor, poor, poor, poor kid. First her mother and brother die, then she’s in the middle of the most sleazeball custody battle of the 21st century, now she’s gifted a piece of her mom’s history as a trashy soft-core porn star? If Dannielynn makes it to the age of fourteen without getting knocked up or becoming a crackhead, she deserves a Nobel Prize.

[Photo courtesy of OK! Magazine]