I really wanted that to be true, but knowing how much people talk about “the number” I had some doubts that anyone would find a guy who would ignore it completely. Clearly people care about the issue – why else would everyone keep track?

I turned to my male friends for some insight: should I worry about how many people I have slept with? Do guys care about my number?

He Said:

What’s in a number? Well, when talking about past partners with your special someone, it’s how many penises have been inside your girlfriend, that’s what. Who she’s slept with is just not a good thing to think about. But does it really matter?

Personally, I could care less. Not that her sexual history isn’t important, but assigning value to the number itself is arbitrary and basically meaningless. As long as I’m not at risk of catching something (which should be confirmed in an entirely different conversation, btw), I don’t see how the number of people makes any difference in our relationship.

That said, I empathize with those of you for whom it does matter. If your girl tells you she’s slept with 10 guys, it feels like she slept with them the night before, not years. Just the thought of her with another person can make you want to puke. That’s only natural–but it’s also foolish.

In the past, if I found out the girl I was seeing had sex with more people than me, it wretched my stomach with jealously. But then I realized that it wasn’t how many people she’s slept with that matters, it’s how she felt about doing the deed(s).

My girlfriend could have had a bukake party in a warehouse in Cleveland and it wouldn’t bother me, as long as she did so with a clear mind and full confidence in herself. Not that I would enjoy the thought. But if she did it because her ex wanted her to, or because she was f**ked up on drugs or because her self-esteem was so low she thought it was the only way to get men to pay attention to her, that would freak me the hell out.

It would freak me out because I find that kind of behavior untrustworthy. If she doesn’t have respect for herself, I believe it’s impossible for her to have real respect for me. Problem is, finding out those kinds of details can be nearly impossible–and it’s all about the past, not the present or future. So instead of asking how she felt at the time about an activity that makes me uncomfortable, I ask how she feels about doing it (or them) now.

If she’s ok with herself and her past, then her “number” shouldn’t be a big deal for you. And if her answer still makes your cringe, you need to get your jealously under control.

She Said:

If all guys are like this guy, then maybe everyone can stop freaking out about all that fun between the sheets. There are so many factors that contribute to “the number” – duration of relationships, age when someone lost their virginity, how old someone is now, etc. – that it is really impossible to judge.

And what number is too high? And who are you to make that decision?

I don’t know if everyone is going to disregard their partner’s sexual history, but they should (unless that partner has some interesting bumps brewin’ downtown). The point is, the whole number thing is irrelevant and inconsequential. What happened in the past is the past. Your partner is with you now, so stop overthinking things and enjoy yourself.

Once upon a time, I cared a whole lot about my number of sexual partners. I remember hearing a girl in high school tell me she had slept with 5 people, 5 whole people, and I remember thinking, ‘WHOA!!! What a slut! I’m never going to have sex with that many people! Ever!” But, you see, that was when I was religious and very into the idea of marriage…and the idea of waiting for the ‘right one’.

So, I waited for the right one. Two years later, after we’d finally had sex, I knew he wasn’t really the one for me. It was like pushing the Go button on our sexual relationship facilitated him finally showing me who he really was. I maintained some faith and made another guy who was ‘the one’ wait. He broke up with me the day after I finally slept with him; four months into our relationship.

I started to really doubt there was a ‘ONE’ for me. But I still really wanted sex. I longed for it. I didn’t want to be tangled up in emotions anymore. I didn’t want to be a part of the pursuit of my perfect match anymore. I didn’t want to be in love. I didn’t want any of THAT anymore. I just wanted to still have sex. You know why? Cause I thought sex felt really good.

But I felt a certain dissonance about the whole thing, too. I was already at 2 (my number) and I was scared that one day, if I met someone who knocked me off my feet, that they’d think less of me if my number was 10 or 20 or, god forbid, 50. But then I realized something…

All of the people I would sleep with would be people who I wanted to sleep with. Simple as that. If I ever found the ‘right’ person for me one day, he would have no problem accepting my past, my choices, and the events that helped me develop in time. I realized that as long as I did exactly what I wanted to do and always respected myself, that no ‘right’ man for me down the road would ever hold that against me.

I don’t understand why more girls can’t adopt this mentality. Why does a NUMBER mean so much to so many people?

(Photo from: teamsugar.com)