Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two girls, on a campus bus.)

Girl 1: So did they have sex?

Girl 2: No, they boarded Penetration Station but the train never left.

(Girls in pajamas, waiting in line at Dunkin Donuts.)

Girl 1: It was hands versus boobs.

Girl 2: That’s a really hard fight to win.

(Two guys, talking in the student lounge.)

Guy 1: They’ve really improved dread rendering, haven’t they.

Guy 2: Yeah. Dreads are just these big snakey lumps.

(Tour group, walking through campus.)

Group leader (yelling) : Hey! You guys aren’t fooling anyone! You’re not gay at all! … Yeah, so this is the library.

(Guy, writing a paper with another guy in the library.)

Guy: Is it funny if I … ejaculate out a window? Holding two stress balls? No, I mean, not like that.

(Guy, at a party, talking to another guy.)

Guy: I have to pee. Should I go outside, or can I use your toilet?

Guy 2: What? Why?

Guy: Don’t you have to pay for water?

Guy 2: Yeah, the toilet is heated. I don’t know if I can spare you a flush.

(Guy, raising a hand in class.)

Guy: This book is about wanting to get out of your circumstances. Wanting to make them better. Like me, see, I’m a miserable prick. And I can’t ever get away.

(Girl, on phone.)

Girl: … I don’t get it! What’s so funny about pudding farts?

(Girl, guy, in Starbucks.)

Girl: Wait, so … is your hat glued to your head?

(Girls, at dining hall for breakfast.)

Girl 1: You’re gonna have to stop laying on me.

Girl 2: But you’re soft. Breakfast is not. I wouldn’t lay on a bowl of oatmeal.

Girl 1: Don’t they do that in spas?

(Girl, talking to friends in a dorm.)

Girl: So I was thinking … like it’s really cool. When Japanese people talk to each other, they just sound like this. Or Australians.

(Girls, outside a dorm bathroom.)

Girl 1: Hey, you guys almost done in there?

Girl 2: Yeah, you done slappin’ the pants?

Oatmeal is the perfect breakfast to warm you on a cold winter morning, or to keep you full and alive in a long, boring lecture until lunch. It’s tasty, healthy and super versatile, meaning it’s pretty much the perfect college meal.

So how do you make it well? It’s simple.

First, you need to get yourself some rolled oats. Not the quick-cooking kind – the regular kind. The only other staples you’ll need are milk (any kind, even soy is OK) and salt. And we all have that stuff lying around, right? Once you’ve got that down, then you can lay out your own personal oatmeal sundae bar: nuts, dried fruit, cream, sugar, honey, fresh berries, yogurt, chocolate chips, etc.

So here’s how you make your oatmeal:

1. In a small saucepan, put 1 cup of milk (or 1/2 cup water and 1/2 cup milk) and a sprinkle of salt. Set the saucepan on medium-high heat.
2. When the milk starts to bubble up and simmer, pour in 1/2 cup rolled oats. Reduce the heat to low.
3. Cook at a simmer for about 10 minutes, stirring every so often so the oatmeal doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pot.
4. When the oatmeal is the consistency you like, scoop it out and serve it!

Some of my personal favorite oatmeal combos:

• A teaspoon of honey, a few drizzles of heavy cream, and a fresh peace sliced up on top.
• Brown sugar and berries: blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, whatever.
• Vanilla yogurt and sliced almonds with honey.
• Wheat germ with mashed banana and a few chocolate chips.
• Some chai tea or chai spices right in the bowl with cream, sugar, and raisins.

Any other great combos out there? Share ‘em here!

Have you heard? The economy is in a downward spiral! People are losing their homes, their jobs, and all of the money they’ve been saving forever! And here we are, a bunch of wide-eyed, “the world is our oyster” college kids who can’t wait to get out into the real world!

Oh yeah, and we are poor.

Between those student loans we are gonna have to pay back and the fact that we may not be able to get a job upon graduating, we gotta start eating canned goods saving now. So, how are our writers handling this economic situation (A.K.A. sh*tstorm)? Here are their tips for saving money and stretching a dollar.

Elisabeth – UA Hunstville: I have dehydrated food!! My fiance got some MREs (Meal Ready to Eat for all you non military peeps out there) from a Marine friend of his. Now when the economy completely crashes we can live off of Pork Rib, instead of just Twinkies!

Sara – NYU: I’ve been thinking about which of my friends I’ll eat if push comes to shove.

Lauren – University of Michigan: I’m doing everything at home: manicure, pedicure, eyebrows… even my bikini line. God, I hope the economy turns soon; no one should have to inflict that kind of pain on themselves.

Megan – Brown University: I’m rocking the shaggy sheepdog hairstyle to avoid paying an absurd amount of money for a haircut.

Lyndsey – University of Michigan: Procuring an extremely generous Irish bartender loverboy. I know it’s working wonders for my unemployed ass.

Kathryn S.: I’m loading up on jobs that each have their own perk. My full-time job provides free coffee, so I drink about four cups a day because I can. Now I just need another job that will pay me AND give me free alcohol.

Erica – Kent State: Befriending or re-friending people I know who still live on campus with meal plans = FREE LUNCHES!

Suzanne – Tulane: 2 words – Dollar Menu

Marissa – High School Senior: Giving my parents those cute doe-eyes so they’ll buy me things. Works like a charm if you know how to work it!

K-NYU: Pregaming and sticking to a no-bars-with-cover policy. Also, going through my friends’ wardrobes saves tons on shopping…

Amber – Old Dominion: Before I buy that cute top at Forever 21 I ask myself, “Do I really need this, or do I already have 3 of these at home?” It only works 10% of the time, but I’m making progress.

Conan – Columbia College: Eat Oatmeal Every Day

Carly – Grinnell: I reuse Ziploc bags — I know that is pathetic, but they last forever that way.

Kelly – UMass: I have stopped buying packs of cigarettes and instead have resorted to becoming that annoying person who bums them off you – at 7 bucks a pack, I will go broke!

J-NYU: Give up smoking weed — you’ll save on grocery bills.

Kari – FSU: I took all of my money out of my personal savings account and put it into a MUCH higher interest credit union that my parents opened for me when I was little. And I changed the account access so that only my mom can get to it…because “emergency” for me qualifies a new pair of boots. Additionally, I sneak a flask into my purse for the bar and order water or tonic with lime (FREE!) and spike my fun juice surreptitiously.

Snacks are vital on those days that seem to never end. To help all of you get through those long, 3 class days, let me introduce the best snack I know of…a little something I invented on a whim, caught between Geology and yoga class.

It’s the Yogurt Oatmeal Smash!

What you need: 1 container of Light and Fit yogurt (flavor of choice) and 1 regular (plain) oatmeal packet.

What you do: All you gotta do is make the oatmeal like usual, and then swirl the yogurt around.  It’s sweet, yummy, and (like your mom would say) sticks to those ribs!

Don’t forget the spoon–or you’ll be looking at your snack instead of devouring it.

Energy? Check. Filling? Check. Healthy? You know it.

I can honestly say that I’m getting used to eating vegan, although I did wake up in a cold panic last night thinking I’d accidentally had nonfat milk instead of soy milk in my morning coffee yesterday, so maybe I take that back…

Breakfast: Breakfast is definitely the hardest meal for a vegan. I think cereal with soy milk is an acquired taste (or maybe just always gross), and as I found out yesterday, scrambled tofu is just plain nasty. I looked up some vegan recipes online, but everything requires baking. You can make versions of muffins, waffles, pancakes, etc, but who has time for this when running out of the house in the morning? Today, I have oatmeal and a Starbucks soy latte for breakfast… again.

Lunch: Nothing. Nothing.

Dinner: I meet up with some friends at Real Food Daily in West Hollywood after much convincing. I’m starving because I didn’t eat lunch, so my plan to order something small and light goes out the window and I get myself a “Supreme Burrito” with ranchero sauce and taco mix (tofu spiced like taco meat, I think). I devour it so quickly I forget to take a picture first (for College Candy, not because I’m some food obsessed freak), which is why it looks so gross in the pictures. But believe me, it was delicious.

If you live in a city where there are vegan restaurant options, you’re seriously in luck. It’s great to be able to just look over a menu and order whatever you want without having to worry about it being vegan. If there aren’t vegan restaurants in your area, look for vegetarian ones, or check out a website like vegetarian-restaurants.net for their advice on vegan-friendly restaurants in your area.

[photo from veganyumyum.com]

“Oh my God, I miss coffee. I will commit a misdemeanor for diet Pepsi. Dammit, I want an effing cookie. Sugaaaaar. Asouiryth494p…!”

First, I will confess my diet sin: I had a shot on Saturday night. It’s hard being the sober girl at the bar. Sorry, Detox Doc Haas, it’s against my religion to turn down a free drink from a cute bartender.

In my first week sans sugar, nuts, dairy, soy, wheat, eggs and corn, I decided that staying strictly on the diet meal by meal is impossible for anyone who stays up late into the night, has a fast metabolism, enjoys working out or some combination thereof. Since I fall into all three categories, I have modified my eating plan.

I eat 4 ounces of protein at lunch with my veggies and up to 6 ounces at dinner. My cut off time for eating is 8 p.m. instead of 6 p.m. and I eat a piece of fruit as a snack. I also eat an extra piece of fruit in the morning after my oats.

Speaking of oats: if you decide to eat oatmeal when you follow this plan, don’t microwave those bad boys. Don’t. It has the consistency of wall paper paste. That mistake on the morning of day two made me think too fondly of my ‘coffee is a meal’ days.

What I hate about this diet so far: Clearly, the hunger. If you need to, then I absolutely suggest that you ‘cheat’ in the way that I have.

The lack of protein (or at least what I’m used to) is getting to me and I’ve scaled back on my weight training since I can’t have as much protein as I’m used to eating, especially in my recovery meals. I must admit that I’m surprised that I haven’t felt weak.

What I love about this diet so far: My skin looks fantastic. It’s generally not bad, but I can’t believe how much better it looks. I attribute part of that to my increased water intake, but I believe that it has to do in part with the foods I’m eating (or not eating).

Another bonus: my stomach is as flat as the end of the day as it is when I wake up and as someone who suffers from stomache aches and the like pretty often, it’s nice to be completely pain and bloat free.

What I’ve learned: Drinking water has made a tremendous difference in my energy and hunger levels. Coffee and diet soda accounted for most of my water intake, which is pathetic considering how dehydrating both can be.

The Detox Diet has taught me that allergies and intolerances don’t just come out in hives. Believe it or not, acne can be the result of your body reacting to a food that it doesn’t want you to consume. And sometimes, bloating and the stomach/digestive issues are either sign of a food intolerance or, if they are more severe, an allergy. Though only 1 -3% of adults have actual food allergies, intolerances are far more prevelant but not as easily recognized.

Just as an FYI, the first three days of this suck. They SUUUUCK. But once you get through the first stage, it becomes very easy and that blinding headache and the irritability disappear.

I’m looking forward to finishing the second week so that I can start the reintroduction process and really figure what foods my body would prefer that I eliminate or eat sparingly.

In case your’re wondering, I have probably lost a couple of pounds but I don’t weigh myself more than once every couple of months. Why start now?

Until next week, when I start the transition process. Because of course once you’re done, you don’t just jump back into your old food habits!

Excitement, I know.