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image via Ekaterina Pokrovsky/Shutterstock

I am sure a little part of all of us wanted to be famous at one point in our lives.  A little piece of my heart wants to sing on ‘American Idol,’ design a dress for an Olympian figure skater (kudos, Vera Wang), or get insulted by Kanye West on live television.  Whichever way you put it, being famous does not seem that bad…but the getting there is tough.  Unless you are Justin Bieber whose ‘getting there’ involved a YouTube video and a cute haircut. Needless to say, I am impressed.

But besides YouTube, there are other ways you can become famous in lightning bolt fashion. If you long to walk red carpets, get chased by paparazzi and rub elbows with Hollywood’s A-listers, take a little advice from these fameballs on how to get real famous, real fast.

Get Fat (Kirsti Alley, Kevin Federline)
It’s been a long time since the woman who found fame on Cheers and later stole my heart in Look Who’s Talking (one of my favorite adolescent movies out there) was the topic of pop culture conversation. That is until she got fat. Then skinny. Then graced the tabloid covers once again grasping a donut and looking into the camera lens with 10 double chins. And now Kirstie’s showing up on Oprah, starting her own weight loss line (??) and starring in, Kirstie Alley’s Big Life, a reality show about her quest to lose weight. Again.

Sex Tape (Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, etc.)
If I have learned anything about Hollywood it is that a sex tape is worth more than a little extra passion with your boy toy. It’s the easiest, fastest and most fun way to rise to the top of the fame scale. Just look at Kim Kardashian. One day she’s getting down and dirty with Ray J and now she’s on the cover of nearly every magazine, has a TV show, a perfume, a clothing line, millions of dollars in endorsement deals and even gets paid to Tweet.

Sleep with the biggest d-bag in America (Heidi Montag, 15 Tiger Woods Mistresses, Jessica Simpson)
…Or marrying the biggest D-bag in America works too (in Kate Gosselin and Heidi Montag’s case). Regardless, sleeping with super big douche bags has clearly secured many a spot in US Weekly week after week after week. In addition to TV deals (Rachel Uchitel scored a reporting gig on “Extra!”), book deals (do we even have to mention that “book” Speidi wrote?), and an advice column (Ashley Dupre).

Have 100 kids (Kate Gosselin, OctoMom)
If you want to be famous, pop out a small litter. These women did, and now we can’t turn on the TV or read a magazine without seeing their post-baby bodies. Kate Gosselin had her own reality show on TLC, wrote multiple books, and even Danced with the Stars, which, obviously, means she is one. And Octomom? Nadya Suleman has been on the cover of People, appeared on NBC with Ann Curry and Dr. Phil, and even had her own two-hour special on Fox. Thankfully she turned down the offers to star in porn.

Be a good singer…who happens to be really ugly (Susan Boyle)
There are millions of good singers out there, so if you really want to make it you gotta set yourself apart. The easiest way? Look like Mrs. Doubtfire. It worked for Susan Boyle, who went from homely old British lady to having the best selling album in the world in 2009.

Two words: fist pump (Cast of Jersey Shore)
Want to go to the Grammys and get paid to party? All you gotta do is play up some stereotypes, spend your days tanning/doing your hair and you’ll be a millionaire in no time.

Say something REALLY stupid (Caitlin Upton)
“Uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should…” Yeah, we laughed (and cried a little bit) then, but Caitlin Upton is laughing all the way to the bank now. Since that infamous day, Caitlin has appeared at MTV’s VMAs, been on TLC’s King of the Crown, and competed with her boyfriend on The Amazing Race. [Editor's Note: She even got an interview with our hero, Chelsea Handler. Sigh.]

Be an incredible actress plucked from obscurity (Gabby Sidibe)
Obviously not as easy as the others, but there is still a little integrity left in finding fame and if anyone proves that it’s Gabby Sidibe. This incredibly talented woman made her debut on 2009′s Precious and was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress. My hat is off to you, Gabby.

[This story was originally posted by Brittany - University of Saint Thomas]

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Those who follow Heidi Montag’s tweets know the girl can say some pretty bizarre stuff.  And chances are you’ve caught a glimpse of her in action either in the latest tabloids or on The Hills (RIP).  Her one-liners are worth 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day a million bucks, and her rational is simply priceless.  Watch out, though.  You better not take what she says at face value, lest you fall into the PR trap that (for better or worse) is Heidi Montag.

Luckily, I’m fluent in TwoFacedFameWhore, the rare language indigenous to Speidiland, and I’m here to provide a little light…

Heidi tweets: “@LaurenConrad you were so right! Spencer is soooooooooo (Writer’s Note- there were a lot of Os; I didn’t feel like counting them all)ooooooooooo sucky!!!”
Heidi means: “I miss the days when it was just you and me, Lauren.  When I was on a show with steady ratings and had an attractive boyfriend who gave me a small dog for Christmas and…huh, wonder whatever happened to the dog.  Oh well!”

Heidi says: “My boobs are crushing me.  My body’s still getting used to them and I have major anxiety about it.”
Heidi means: “Maybe getting these behemoths removed will get me another People Magazine cover.”

Heidi says: (On plastic surgery) “I won’t get anything done again.  At least not for a long time.”
Heidi means: “Eh, I’ve got an appointment next month for a little touch up.  But *nudge, nudge* that’s just between us.”

Heidi says: (On plastic surgery.  Again) “I still can’t believe I’m 23 and mom is reacting this way. I’m nervous to go home and face her – especially with cameras rolling.”
Heidi means: “Please let her hit me.  Please let her hit me.  Please let her hit me.  The cameras will love that.”

Heidi tweets: “Crying“
Heidi means: “Binge eating and throwing up.”

Heidi tweets: “Cleaning the house and getting rid of my old life, it feels good to live fresh”
Heidi means: “Throwing away the effing crystals. Fingers crossed some paparazzi go through my trash tonight.”

Heidi says: “‘I love my boobs, but I still want to improve. I didn’t get them as big as I originally wanted,’ she said, adding that she wants to go up from her current cup size to an H cup — ‘for Heidi.’”
Heidi means: “I just want people to be able to see them from space.  Or on Google Earth.  I hear Google’s kind of a big deal.”

Bonus round!

Audrina says: “She said she wanted to be the next Octomom! I was like, ‘Heidi, no you don’t!’”
Heidi’s (probably) response: “Wait, you can’t just go to the store and buy babies?  Like, I might have to get fat?  Wow, I’ve really gotta think if this stunt is worth another round of lipo.”

Snooki says: (About Heidi) “I will punch her in the face because I don’t like her. She had too many surgeries. She looks like an alien and guidettes don’t look like aliens, just saying.”
Heidi’s (probably) response: “As long as you let my camera crew film it, I’m down.”

I don’t even know what to say about this. I mean, it’s just too easy. I’m all about controlling the pet population (Bob Barker drilled that one into my head when I was home sick during middle school), but maybe Nadya Suleman should get spayed before trying to send this message.

But besides YouTube, there are other ways you can become famous in lightning bolt fashion. If you long to walk red carpets, get chased by paparazzi and rub elbows with Hollywood’s A-listers, take a little advice from these fameballs on how to get real famous, real fast.

Get Fat (Kirsti Alley, Kevin Federline)
It’s been a long time since the woman who found fame on Cheers and later stole my heart in Look Who’s Talking (one of my favorite adolescent movies out there) was the topic of pop culture conversation. That is until she got fat. Then skinny. Then graced the tabloid covers once again grasping a donut and looking into the camera lens with 10 double chins. And now Kirstie’s showing up on Oprah, starting her own weight loss line (??) and starring in, Kirstie Alley’s Big Life, a reality show about her quest to lose weight. Again.

Sex Tape (Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, etc.)
If I have learned anything about Hollywood it is that a sex tape is worth more than a little extra passion with your boy toy. It’s the easiest, fastest and most fun way to rise to the top of the fame scale. Just look at Kim Kardashian. One day she’s getting down and dirty with Ray J and now she’s on the cover of nearly every magazine, has a TV show, a perfume, a clothing line, millions of dollars in endorsement deals and even gets paid to Tweet.

Sleep with the biggest d-bag in America (Heidi Montag, 15 Tiger Woods Mistresses, Jessica Simpson)
…Or marrying the biggest D-bag in America works too (in Kate Gosselin and Heidi Montag’s case). Regardless, sleeping with super big douche bags has clearly secured many a spot in US Weekly week after week after week. In addition to TV deals (Rachel Uchitel scored a reporting gig on “Extra!”), book deals (do we even have to mention that “book” Speidi wrote?), and an advice column (Ashley Dupre).

Have 100 kids (Kate Gosselin, OctoMom)
If you want to be famous, pop out a small litter. These women did, and now we can’t turn on the TV or read a magazine without seeing their post-baby bodies. Kate Gosselin had her own reality show on TLC, wrote multiple books and is now set to Dance with the Stars, which, obviously, means she is one. And Octomom? Nadya Suleman has been on the cover of People, appeared on NBC with Ann Curry and Dr. Phil, and even had her own two-hour special on Fox. Thankfully she turned down the offers to star in porn.

Be a good singer…who happens to be really ugly (Susan Boyle)
There are millions of good singers out there, so if you really want to make it you gotta set yourself apart. The easiest way? Look like Mrs. Doubtfire. It worked for Susan Boyle, who went from homely old British lady to having the best selling album in the world in 2009.

Two words: fist pump (Cast of Jersey Shore)
Want to go to the Grammys and get paid to party? All you gotta do is play up some stereotypes, spend your days tanning/doing your hair and you’ll be on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar in no time.

Say something REALLY stupid (Caitlin Upton)
“Uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should…” Yeah, we laughed (and cried a little bit) then, but Caitlin Upton is laughing all the way to the bank now. Since that infamous day, Caitlin has appeared at MTV’s VMAs, been on TLC’s King of the Crown, and is currently competing with her boyfriend on The Amazing Race. [Editor's Note: She even got an interview with our hero, Chelsea Handler. Sigh.]

Be an incredible actress plucked from obscurity (Gabby Sidibe)
Obviously not as easy as the others, but there is still a little integrity left in finding fame and if anyone proves that it’s Gabby Sidibe. This incredibly talented woman made her debut on 2009′s Precious and is now up for an Academy Award for Best Actress. My hat is off to you, Gabby.

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I have a good life: a job I love, a closet full of fantastic clothes, and some pretty rad friends and family. But even with all that I am always wondering what it would be like to trade places with someone else for a day.

Like my friend Amy – I’ve always wanted to know what it is like to have big boobs and a teeny, tiny waist. Or Octomom – spending a single day with 14 kids will teach me not to skip the condom when I’m in the heat of the moment. Or pretty much any celebrity with oodles of money and people bowing down to them wherever they go.

I’m pretty sure everyone – no matter how content – would give anything (even that coveted slice of drunken late-night pizza) to be someone else for one day. So this week I asked the CollegeCandy writers which celebrity they’d want to trade places with.

Who do you wanna be?

Thu – USC: I’d be Oprah and give away houses this time.

Kayla – California State University, Sacramento: Maybe I would be Heidi Montag. It might be nice to not have to use my brain for one day.

Kathryn – University of Wisconsin-Madison: I would want to trade places with Renee Zellweger. ONLY because she’s reportedly dating Bradley Cooper. Yum.

Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: Jennifer Aniston.  She’s hot and, let’s face it, everybody secretly roots for Team Aniston.

Brithny – Duke: Michelle Obama! ‘Cause then I’d be First Lady, have an awesome family (and cute dog), and tons of fabulous clothes.

Elise – Stanford: I’d be Padma Lakshmi -  total fox, AND she gets to sample all the deliciousness on Top Chef.

Cristina – Michigan State:  I’d have to say Chloe Sevigny.  She dresses like a boss and is so weird she’s cool.

Jill – University of Wisconsin: I want to trade places with whoever is dating Jason Segel. He’s funny, he’s tall and have you seen the full frontal nudity in Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

Desiree – Columbia University: I’d love to be Christina Hendricks, the woman who plays Joan Holloway on Mad Men. She’s really hot right now but not hot in a let’s-wait-to-see-how-she-screws-up-next way. Beauty, brains, sharp tongue, and she gets to raid the wardrobe closet!

Brittany – University of Richmond: I think I would be Brooke Hogan or Lady Gaga for a day. That way I can settle the age old man/woman debate. It would be for the greater good of society. I am philanthropic in that way.

Carly – Grinnell: This is a toughie, but I think I would love to be J.K. Rowling for a day so I could see what it’s like in her mind.

Ricki – University of Michigan: I need to be Heidi Klum.  I can speak in a cool accent, walk down the Victoria’s Secret runway, and discover if she actually is human since she is always working and has four kids and a hot hubby.

Kari – Florida State:  I would trade places with Robert Pattinson for the day, for three reasons and three reasons only. 1) Stare at myself naked in the mirror for a few hours, 2) Get drunk and chain smoke at the Chateau Marmont for no reason, 3) Make out with/ declare my love for Kristen Stewart in the most public way possible, just to see if I could beat Obama’s magazine cover record.

Ness – Sheridan: I would be Paris Hilton. Just to figure out why the hell she thinks she’s famous.

Elizabeth – University of Missouri: Rachel Zoe – I don’t know if she actually counts, but I would love to be able to wear anything in her closet for a day. Oh, and have Brad, aka the cutest guy on the planet, as my assistant.

John – UConn: Emma Watson is going to be a freshman at Brown, and I’m going to be a senior at UConn. I’d trade places with her in a heartbeat. Oh, to be a young girl again!

Mandy – Hofstra: I’d like to switch places with Jenna Dewan so I can do the nasty with Channing Tatum. Multiple times.

Sara C – Fordham: I would want to be Usain Bolt, the sprinter from Jamaica who just broke his own world record in the 100m dash (9.58 seconds, which translates to about 24 mph). How sick must it feel to be able to run that fast?!?

Sarabeth – University of Texas: Angelina Jolie. Save the world, take care of some adorable kids, AND sleep with Brad Pitt? Count me in.

Maddie – Tufts: Gisele. It’s pretty self explanatory. Plus I’ve always wanted to wear those Victoria’s Secret wings!

Alana – Boston University: I’d totally want to be Suri Cruise. She sits around all day, looks cute and gets to wear Burberry.

Type 1:“The Talented Celebrity.”  Think models who have shown up on the cover of Italian Vogue, actors like Brad Pitt who have starred in everything from comedy to drama, and music moguls who come out with one hit after another (think Madonna).

Type 2: “The Train Wreck- Once Famous, Now in Rehab.”  These are people like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, who are no doubt talented, but can’t keep themselves away from the bars and the drugs long enough to earn coveted longevity in Hollywood.

Type 3: “Why the Hell are They Famous?” The people who People Magazine, US Weekly, and Perez Hilton constantly cover, we all read about, and none of us are exactly sure what this person has done to deserve press coverage (think Anna Nicole Smith).  Below is a list of the ten best examples of these non-celebrities – the ones that take over our headlines, but haven’t done much to merit this press coverage.  And if anyone can tell me why we actually care what these people are up to…well, be my guest.

1. Kim Kardashian- While she is no doubt stunning, her fame stems from the fact that her rich father served as OJ Simpson’s lawyer during his criminal trial…and then she had sex with Ray J.  Her lone film, Disaster Flick, came out in 2008, and was rated the second worst film ever created at the Internet Movie Database. Sure, she’s been on Dancing With the Stars and her own reality show since then, but I must ask: why was this one ever on our radar!?

2. Heidi and Spencer Pratt- While The Hills enjoys high ratings, two young adults arguing for a 30-minute episode about their relationship, their parents, and how they should get married is not enough to give anyone celebrity status.  If America wants to watch two people argue, then MTV should come to my house and film my mom begging me to do dumb chores.  Being rich and argumentative is not enough to warrant fame.

3. Octomom – Her birth of octuplets this past year caused a national scandal when people became concerned about child neglect and proper monetary support (and the fact that she looks like Angelina…). Getting six embryos implanted in you when you already have six kids definitely does not make you a celebrity…slightly crazy, but not a celebrity.

4. Nicole Richie – Best known for her stint on The Simple Life with fellow socialite Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie’s presence in celebrity tabloids is mostly in candid photos of her and daughter Harlow, or musician husband Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.  She has yet to sing or act in anything of true merit other than being herself on a reality show and is truly a celebrity’s wife, not a celebrity herself.

5. Tila Tequila -  Tila got famous for having a lot of friends on MySpace. Don’t get me wrong, popularity is cool, but since when do we celebrate the trashy people who actually use MySpace?

6. Kevin Federline – Known mostly for his disastrous short-lived marriage to Britney Spears, Federline’s attempts to make it in “the industry” resulted in his 2006 record being one of the worst-received in music history and making him appear as an Eminem wannabe.  His short stint on One Tree Hill as an aggressive musician did little to advance his acting career, and his appearances on wrestling programming did even less to advance his image.  So, while Britney Spears seems to have come out of her funk with hits like “Circus” and “Womanizer,” Federline is now famous for changing diapers and babysitting Sean and Jayden.

7. Paris Hilton – Just another blonde socialite who formed a fashion line and had one hit song (“Stars are Blind”).  Being born rich does not make you a celebrity.  Becoming rich due to talent does.

8. Melissa Rycroft – Seriously, I’ve been dumped by plenty of guys. Where is my offer to be on the cover of a magazine?

9. Whitney Port – Starring in her very own spin-off of The Hills, Whitney Port was nicknamed “the new Carrie Bradshaw.”  Um. No. Freaking. Way. And if being on a reality show weren’t bad enough, spinning off the show that gave fame to squabbling California teenagers merits even less respect in my mind. She is no Carrie. Don’t even joke.

10. Suri Cruise - This girl gets more covers than paid actors. Just because she was born.  Why do we as consumers care what a two–year-old is wearing?

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