"So....Emmy....where's your boyfriend?"

Like nearly every other college student on the face of the planet, Thanksgiving Break is something that I am eagerly anticipating. The dorms are always busy and fun, but everyone appreciates a little break now and then. There’s nothing quite like going home, eating my dad’s brownies, watching movies with my sister, and taking my dog along on runs.

I do love the holiday of Thanksgiving as well. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, pie, and my little cousins dressed up as pilgrims, all my extended family gathered into my Grandma’s kitchen to say grace. I am blessed with a crazy bizarre extended family, the best kind to have in my opinion, and they are always the highlight of my holidays.

But as much as I love them all to death, sometimes their questions can be a bit too much. While I appreciate their interest in my life, I don’t feel the need to explain the details of the break up with my long term boyfriend to my uncle while waiting in line for cranberry sauce. Similarly, having my conservative aunt question me about boys that I might marry while she calmly serves out pumpkin pie just takes away my appetite!

Now, I understand that my aunt grew up in a very different culture than I do. Yet it truly does make my stomach full of turkey turn to hear this woman I am related to tell me that the most important thing for me to do in college is to meet the man I am going to marry. I love my aunt, but this idea of success disgusts me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I definitely picture marriage eventually in my life plan. And I have nothing against people in long term relationships. Up until recently, I was one of them myself!

What I do have a problem with is the notion that success must come from somewhere outside of one’s self. I very much believe that in order to be able to contribute to a healthy relationship, you must be a strong confident person in your own right. And in the 21st century, no strong confident woman spends her college years desperately seeking a man. I realize that my aunt might never understand this, but I’m already a success, which for right now includes academic and extracurricular achievement, as well as maintaining healthy relationships with my friends and family.

I know that in the end, all my aunt wants is for me to be happy, so I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to hear about all the fun things I’ve been up to at college. Deflection is my new technique for distracting my relatives from topics I don’t care to discuss with them. (“No, I don’t have a boyfriend… but I did just get elected to student government! And my best friends and I are planning a road trip for spring break!”)

So this year, instead of letting my stomach turn in anger at another one of my aunt’s lectures, my stomach will be happy and full of turkey and love. At least that’s the plan. Let’s hope my aunt takes the hint or I may end up skipping pumpkin pie entirely this year.

And no one should do that.

pass it.

Well my favorite holiday is here. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas cookies; I love pumpkin pie; and I also love dressing up like a slutty Dorothy, cat, nurse, (insert random noun here); but there is nothing I love more than the 20th of April.

You may not usually celebrate this joyous occasion – I have actually only had the pleasure of celebrating it once – but one time was all it took to become an ardent supporter. In light of this, I thought I’d bestow some of my favorite stoned activities with you all so you have some options to spend  the best Monday of the year! So pull a Michael Phelps (read: hit the bong) and enjoy any of the following:

Watch Things
This is not only broad but also very obvious. And why is it obvious? Because it’s so much fun! There are so many enjoyable things to watch that are only more enjoyable under the influence. You could go with a funny movie like  Anchorman or Old School, or pop in an epic TV show like Summer Heights High, The Office, or, of course Planet Earth. You could also throw in a hilarious comedian routine -  Jim Gaffigan’s new one, King Baby, was responsible for me nearly peeing myself last week. Or, my personal favorite, just turn on the iTunes visualizer. Trippy!

Eat Stuff
Another very stereotypical example of a fun but often overlooked thing to do while high is eat. To maximize the fun of eating while being high, choose things that have very distinct tastes, flavors or sensations, like green apples and blueberries (cold). If fruit isn’t your thang (because who chooses something healthy when everything sounds so good), you can just build snacks out of your favorite ingredients. My friends and I usually end up with something  (rice cakes) smothered with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yeah, it sounds weird right now, but get back to me after you take a few hits.

Delving even deeper into the unhealthy department would be Starburst, Skittles, and sherbet, which all happen to be very fun to eat while high. You may worry about getting fat from all the snackity snacking, but don’t be. You’ll burn all those calories laughing at your hand or the funny shapes of the clouds…on the ceiling.

Tune in
I love listening to music in any state, but rocking out while high is definitely one of my favorites. Just last week I was listening to Pink Floyd’s, Dark Side of the Moon, one of few classic rock bands I never fully understood and realized, “Wow, this is why everyone loved this stuff!” It was just so….awesome. Besides classic rock and that awkward genre of music labeled “chill,” electronic music sounds particularly phenomenal when high. Hell, everything will sound new, different and awesome when you are high, so pop in that Paris Hilton CD and rock out.

Go places
Sure, it’s tempting to lay around eating Tostitos when you’re high, but get up and go somewhere!  Even the most mundane activities take on a whole new level of fun when there is some cannabis in your system. Need some ideas? Here are some of my favorite de-stoned-ations: the beach, the woods, a park (or anything cool outdoors), anywhere in the sun, a bowling alley, a jungle gym, a concert, a diner (so much food!), the movies, the zoo, a museum, a long walk, or shopping (though I did end up buying some weird things at Target).

Other
Costumes, shadow puppets, prank phone calls and playing with iChat (if you are lucky enough to have a Mac) are also awesome.

Whatever fun things you plan on doing while you are high, be responsible. I know I am probably not a portrait of responsibility by any means but I have made a lot of mistakes and have learned from them. If you are consuming marijuana, don’t eat too much; it can be a very uncontrollable and terrifying experience. If you are high, don’t drive. Seriously, don’t do it. Not only is it dangerous, but you could really eff up your future if you are caught. Plus, it’s a lot easier to eat a peanut butter smothered rice cake when you’re not clutching a steering wheel. Finally, don’t get a haircut. Just trust me on this one.

Peace out, potheads, and have a great 4/20!

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy.

But alas I was wrong. Instead, I was treated to a one page enigma trying to draw a distinct line between playing it cool and being aloof. If generations of stitch-n-bitching hasn’t nailed this down, Cosmo, I highly doubt that you’ve suddenly discovered the perfect way to play “the game.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the mind bottling (yes I am one of the 5 people who saw Blades of Glory) conclusion, let’s explore Cosmo’s genius reasoning as to why “Today, it’s not a woman’s money, prestige or beauty that is so enticing, but more a cocktail of personality traits and, yes, a certain bitchiness,” that win over men.

Cosmo Says: “We noticed in December…how baseball play Alex Rodriguez shamelessly followed Madonna around like a little poodle…Clearly, as Madonna proves, being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.”

Kari Says: Ok, I’ll buy it. I’m down with female empowerment and self confidence. The only problem with Madonna’s “Ballsiness” is that the average guy might find it a little too literal. I mean, most guys in my dating range aren’t major league baseball players desperate for someone to dominate them. Actually, the idea of a 50 year old body builder in a top hat and sequined spandex bossing them around just doesn’t sound too appealing (or so I’m told). So perhaps Madonna isn’t exactly the best role model for this “fierce type of female allure.”

Cosmo Says: “Another part of the mix is appearing as anything but needy…Simply put, showing a bit of ‘I like you, but I could live without you’ attitude is intriguing to men.”

Kari Says: Wait—so it’s bad if I tell him that will die without his love after the second drink he buys me? What if I just explain to him that I’m totally available at any given time that he wants to hang out, just so he knows that he won’t have to worry about rejection? Oh, those are both bad? Well, thank goodness you finally published this article, Cosmo, I don’t know how you didn’t discover this groundbreaking attitude decades earlier.

Cosmo Says: “A third component of this woman’s draw is that she turns herself into a prize worth seeking.”

Kari Says: Hm, where to begin. I guess I’ll start where Cosmo completely devalues women as people and suggests that we objectify ourselves to obtain suitable partners. So much for feminism, the trick to being a worthwhile human being is to be a really great potential girlfriend! And the only way to do so is to make myself into a “prize worth seeking.” Did the scene on Jasmine’s balcony in Aladdin mean nothing to you, Cosmo? And I quote: “ I am not a prize to be won!” Christ, if Disney could get it right…

Cosmo Says: “What isn’t as important as you think? Appearance. Also, don’t employ aloofness—it’s too old school.”

Kari Says: Alright, inner beauty. Nice recovery Cosmo, after the whole trophy GF thing. I’m just a bit confused considering that your advice to let him know that I could “live without him.” Would that be considered aloof? See, there’s the problem with trying to specifically label aloofness and intrigue. Whatevs, I have faith that your final paragraph will lead me unerringly to man-magnetism.

Cosmo Says: “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.”

Kari Says: WHAT?!?! That was completely inconclusive! You just cancelled out everything else you told me to do! And moreover, that is totally not a “new attitude.” It’s just some incredibly vague advice. So basically what I have to do to find a decent guy is act like a bitch, then act like Madonna, then be aloof, then sacrifice my worth as a woman, then DON’T be aloof, and most importantly, don’t wait too long to put out or he’ll get bored. Thank you, Cosmo, for once again reaffirming that you know all concerning love, lust and womanhood.

What did you think of “The Bitchy Little Move Men Love?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it bamboozled me. Any other complaints? I personally found it hard to believe that all Marissa Miller does to maintain her Victoria’s Secret bod are those cute little stretches on pg 159. Are you scared to orgasm thanks to pg 140? Let’s hear it.

Call me crazy, but I’m bored with college guys. It’s just that they’re…guys. I want to have fun, but is it so much to want to party with a real man? Is there anyone out there who can be mature when he needs to be, but still laugh at my potty humor? I used to think I’d never get my wish, but then Vince Vaughn came into my life.

Let’s think back for a moment to Wedding Crashers. I remember seeing that movie for the first time and thinking, “Where’d Vince Vaughn come from? Hellooooo hottie!” He dropped in on my fantasies as quickly and suavely as he did the Cleary wedding. He was sublimely clever in devising wedding crashing rules, and was equally as impressive with his devotion to the cause. Major bonus points (or shall I say, effability points?) for fidelity.

Vaughn emerged as a major comedic force among the likes of Will Ferrell, the Wilson brothers, and Steve Carell, particularly in the earlier release, Old School. Since then, he’s shown his multi-faceted (yet always effable) dating persona in The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston, whom he subsequently dated. Their relationship was major tabloid fodder while it lasted, but now he’s been linked to Ugly Betty star, Vanessa Williams.

Never fear! Though he may appear to be off the market, Vince’s effable self will still be featured prominently in the new comedy Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon. After watching that trailer, I know I’ll be asking Santa for a chance to eff Vince this holiday season!

“OMG, I LOVE THIS SONG!” You scream to your friends, as you all begin singing and dancing in a circle.

While all songs are “the best song ever” when you are drunk, there are those certain special tunes that get you every time. This week, we asked our writers to weigh in on their favorite drunk jams. Note: Journey must be proud.

Beata: It’s totally a Notre Dame tradition, but I love “Midnight Train.” And, of course, “Since You’ve Been Gone.” Gotta love those memories of screaming at the top of your lungs in a dark, sweaty dorm room.

Elise – UCLA: Don’t Stop Believing – Journey.

Jill – University of Wisconsin: “I Want it that Way” is a great – it makes me want to put on a glow necklace and a t-shirt that says “I got Jammed all night at Aaron’s Bar Mitzvah.” Oh, and “Disturbia” is also a fist-pumping winner.

Ali – Syracuse University: “Shoop” by Salt n Peppa… yeah I have it memorized

Lauren – University of Michigan: “The Gambler.” It’s always the last song at the bar and a sign that I really should go home. But, man, singing that in a circle with my friends…such fond (hazy) memories.

Amber – Old Dominion: “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, because guitar solos are always better when you’re drunk.

Erica – Kent State: Honestly, I love singing almost anything when I’m drunk. Even songs I don’t know any words to when I’m sober. Especially any songs I don’t know the words to when I’m sober. It’s like they… or something that sounds somewhat like the actual words… magically come to me when I’m wasted. But, anyway, if I had to pick a song, right now I’d have to say M.I.A’s “Paper Planes” even though it’s overplayed. I just love making hand gestures when the gun goes off. Awesome.

Suzanne- Tulane: “Murder on the Dance Floor.” You should see my moves.

Kathryn S.: The Old School version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” With the F-bombs.

Heather – Penn State: “It’s My Life,” by Bon Jovi.

K – NYU: That would be “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey…. I think it explains itself.

Carly – Grinnell: Probably “MMMBop.” If it was even ever played at a bar. (I think I just embarrassed myself horribly by answering that way.)

Kari – FSU: “Swagga Like Us.” I lip sync along with made up words until Jay-Z’s verse, then I yell “HOOOOOVAAAAA” at the top of my lungs while throwing up the Rocafella sign. It’s usually well received by the security personnel escorting me out.

Sara – NYU: “Like A Prayer”! Just like any good Jew.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey. BTW, I’ve been told I dance a mean “Soulja Boy” when I’m that drunk; oddly enough, I can’t do it sober.

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys.

1. Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of my personal icons, and I give her kudos for becoming Saturday Night Live’s first female head writer. Fey’s writing has earned her a 2001 Writers Guild of America Award for SNL’s 25th anniversary special as well as a 2002 Emmy for the show.

Tina’s script for Mean Girls is distinctive from teen movies in the vein of Can’t Hardly Wait thanks to its satiric critique of high school. I don’t care how old I get; I will probably always find a way to greet someone with “Jambo!”, or a way to work, “Your mom’s chest hair” into a heated argument. Of course, let’s not forget her more recent work on Emmy Award-winning 30 Rock and Baby Mama.

One of my favorite recent Tina Fey bits is the Bitch is the New Black segment from Fey’s recent SNL hosting gig.

2. Wanda Sykes

Some people might equate the sound of Sykes’ voice to nails on a chalkboard, but I think this trait makes her stand out. A longtime colleague of Chris Rock, Sykes served on the writing team for The Chris Rock Show, which was nominated for four Emmys, winning one in 1999. I appreciate Sykes’ ability to add hilarity and sass to supporting roles in films such as Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

On a personal note, I’ve seen Wanda Sykes’ stand up, and it can hold its own against the likes of male phenom, Chris Rock.

3. Margaret Cho

I think that Margaret Cho is one of the most underrated comedians out there. Her stand up career led to opening acts for Seinfeld and spots on a Bob Hope special and The Arsenio Hall Show. Though she won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Comedian in 1994, this distinction is often overshadowed by her flop sitcom All-American Girl (which I happened to watch religiously for its short cable career). On a side note, I think it’s awesome that Cho has been deputized by the City of San Francisco to perform marriages after same-sex marriage was legalized in California earlier this year. Humor and human rights are a great combination.

If you disagree with my putting Cho on this list, I suggest you watch the video she created with fellow comic Diana Yanez, a viral hit entitled My Puss. Then, Netflix some of her DVDs.

4. Sarah Silverman

I wasn’t impressed with Silverman’s role in School of Rock, but I do applaud her blunt comments at last year’s MTV VMA’s and Movie Awards.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail… As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it is wrong, too. I just worry she is going to break her teeth on those things

Wow, [Britney Spears] is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.

The real reason that Silverman is on this list is… you guessed it: the little gem of a birthday video presented to then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. How do you even think of something like this?

5. Ellen DeGeneres

Part of Ellen’s appeal (for me) is her genuine personality. I know, it’s all about humor here, but Ellen can make people laugh just by dancing around the set of her talk show. In the 1980s, Ellen was dubbed “a distaff version of Bob Newhart,” and won the title of funniest person in America (read: person not just “funniest female“).

In the 1990s, I was a fan of her sitcom Ellen, and of course, in addition to being a great show, Ellen and her show had a monumental impact on the Gay Rights Movement, also earning a 1997 Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the famous “coming out” episode. During the 90′s, Ellen was often referred to as a “female Seinfeld.”

I’m not usually a fan of talk shows, but Ellen’s sincere humor has earned 10 Daytime Emmy Awards. So, go Ellen, and congrats on finally marrying Portia DeRossi!

Honorable Mentions

I really wanted to include Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph in the top five, but thought my obsession with SNL would make for a biased ‘Top Five’ list. Poehler was the first SNL member to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy, and has loaned her quirky facial expressions to films such as Wet Hot American Summer, Mean Girls, Deuce Bigalow, Blades of Glory, and, of course, Baby Mama. She was the only one “man” enough to take Jimmy Fallon’s spot on Weekend Update, making her and Tina Fey the show’s first female team to host the segment.

As for Maya Rudolph? Come on! She can play just about any gender and any race. Whether playing Oprah Winfrey, Justin Guarini, Mario Vazquez, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Latoya Jackson, and Donatella Versace, Rudolph is always both convincing and side-splitting. Besides: she can freaking sing!

*Leslie Hall is probably a name you’ve never heard. But I highly recommend checking out some of the work from this satirical rap artist from Iowa who also operates a “gem sweater museum.”

*Natalie Portman is not someone you’d think of when you think of comediennes, but her SNL rap deserves some praise.

I know I’ve left out a lot of noteworthy women, but hey, it’s all relative. So if you disagree, feel free to let me know who you would vote for funniest female!

Now, let me explain something real quick to you guys; teenagers scare the living shit out of me. No, really, they do. After being teased and taunted for years, a group of teenagers giggling and laughing anywhere near me automatically puts me on edge. But I was willing to walk through the halls infested with these loud cockroaches to see my old teachers.

I went to a school with a mild crime problem, so of course there was a security van parked in front. When I passed by, the guy honked at me, and I groaned to myself. I really didn’t feel like dealing with security, but I turned and went over to the car. Turns out it was one of my favorite guards, and he greeted me pretty happily before I went in.

I made the rounds to my favorite teachers. Two of them – two of the most important to me – weren’t there, so the chances that I’ll go back to see them before the year is up are pretty high. I was surprised how everyone remembered me so well. Probably the funniest reoccurring question was, “Are you seriously a senior?” Three years didn’t really seem like a lot, but it was. The auditorium and the music wing were both redone, and all of the kids had LAPTOPS. At the risk of sounding like an old grump, when I went to school, we didn’t get laptops. We had to crowd around one of the four computers in the room and share. Dang nabbit.

I know it’s weird to go back to a place that used to be home and isn’t anymore. I knew exactly where I was going at every turn, but I didn’t recognize any of the students and most of the professors. But after a pretty rough semester, it was nice to go back and see that really, not a whole lot has changed.

I’m visiting my junior high school later this week. That should be real kick in the face.

• Don’t fall into this cuddle-trap, ladies. You’re all better than this. (COED Magazine)

• 73 year old man kicks ass, takes names. Awesome. (10tv.com)

• The pope has a cat? The cat is writing a book? My brain just exploded. (Yahoo!)

• An alert official suspected there may be something sinister behind Mr. Potato Head’s toothy grin. Yeah, Ecstasy. (AFP)

• This is why you don’t plan your wedding on Craigslist. (KATU)

• Looking to finally get healthy? Do it the old-school way! (UK Dailymail)

While it’s not quite as solid as recent college favorites, like Anchorman, Old School, and Wedding Crashers, this movie will have you cracking up and asking, “what the f$#&?” after everything Will Ferrell’s character, Chazz Michael Michaels, says. Most of the time, he makes no sense – but that’s what makes him the funniest character in the movie.

Jon Heder plays the straight man in Jimmy MacElroy, and does a pretty good job. Every so often, Napoleon shines through and leaves you wanting a good, “Tina, eat your ham.” But alas, there is no Tina, and there is no ham. There is only a funny blonde haircut and some sweet reactions to Ferrell’s comments.

The hidden gem in “Blades,” for me, is Nick Swardson. He plays Hector, MacElroy’s crazy-stalker-fan who wears amazing one-piece ski suits from the ’80′s. I love this guy. He’s funny in everything, especially Grandma’s Boy. Another college favorite that slipped under the radar in the box office, it recently became popular to stoners, frat boys and partiers alike, as a rental. Watch it!

So, if you’re looking for a fun date movie or wanna catch a flick with the girls, go see Blades of Glory. Then, when your friends tell you they wanna “get inside your face” or say, “You’re welcome, Stolkholm,” you’ll appreciate the references.