Scarred. For. Life.

Our mothers may not always have the soundest judgment in situations regarding appropriate behavior, like when they think chain e-mail  jokes are actually funny and they think flipping through family photo albums with your friends is an enjoyable activity for all.

Note: they’re not.
Seriously.

Poor Lourdes must have a much longer list of Momma Madonna’s to-do taboos, one that must surely include posing for Dolce & Gabbana with her fifty-two year-old cleavage as the focal point.

Look Madge: the world knows you’re a celebrity mom with a young boyfriend and a fantastically fit body, but we really do not need to see it on large-scale prints in department stores and giant billboards in Times Square! Madonna/Madge/Esther/MILF-used-to-be, you are no longer a Material Girl who is Like A Virgin, so please stop pretending. If not for me and my night tremors then, please, do it for Lourdes! Break that contract if D&G won’t provide you with a sweater on set, and give the Photoshop guy (who’s clearly been working overtime) a break!

It’s not like you need the money, Margie. And isn’t the mental health of your daughter worth more than a pile of hundos anyway? Read More »

I DON'T WANNA GROW UPPPPP

While most people begin planning their birthday celebrations months in advance and turn the entire birthday month into a party all about them, the thought of my November birthday is making me ill. Instead of spending my back-to-school days partying with my friends at football tailgates and planning my Halloween costume, I’m having near-panic attacks about my impending b-day.

Why? Because I’m turning 20 and it is scaring the crap out of me.

I haven’t always been afraid of my birthday. When I was a wee tween, I was so excited to turn 14 I had a countdown on my wall. I was constantly reading books that made it seem like the age to be. The girls seemed so sophisticated and mature, usually because they were dealing with things like getting their first kiss (which I coincidentally got when I was 14…I knew it would be an awesome age). Getting older was exciting, too. There were so many great perks that came with a new year: higher allowance, driver’s license, R-rated movies. But then I turned 18 and all the scary changes that came with that age threw me for a loop. Read More »

Girls with tattoos get a bad rap these days. They are associated with “don’t mess with me” bad ass chicks, trashy/skanky girls, and hippie-love-child wannabes. But I want a tattoo and I am none of those things.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about permanently tagging myself, but I can’t seem to commit to it. There is so much to consider, tattoos being permanent and all, and the last thing I want is to regret my decision. Or end up with 56 stars on my face.

On the one hand, I agree with Angelina Jolie when she said, “A tattoo is something permanent when you’ve made a self-discovery, or something you’ve come to a conclusion about…and a strong reminder to live fully in the moment.” At the same time, though, I also agree with my friend’s brother who said, “Imagine getting scrunch socks tattooed on your legs in the early 90′s. Would you want that there now?”

Touch, bro. Touche.

So, let’s break down the pros and cons of the tat. Read More »

Meet Elizabeth Adeney:  she’s a successful business woman in her mid-60s, working and living in Britain.  Ms. Adeney is a divorcee and well respected by her friends and associates, so one must ask, “What makes her special?”

Well folks, she’s preggers.  At 66, Elizabeth Adeney is set to be Britain’s oldest woman to give birth, beating the previous record holder by a whopping nine years.  Um, gross?

Stories like this are destined to send shivers down your spine and flash disturbing images of your mother and/or grandmother doing similar things before your eyes.  There are things that we just don’t want to see old (not older, old) ladies doing and getting knocked up is definitely one of them.

Here is a list of 10 more things that old ladies definitely SHOULDN’T be doing:

1.  Having Sex: Worse than just talking about sex, the fact that old ladies have sex is just plain awful.  Just think of the wrinkles and folds and floppiness…oh gawd.  Curse the day when pharmaceutical companies decided that it was okay for old people to get it on.  Curse it!

2.  Wearing Mini-Skirts (or any variation on that fashion): Hey, if you’ve got the legs, show ‘em off.  Just realize that they have an expiration date and it’s usually around the age of 40 (unless you’re one of the lovely ladies on Sex and the City).  Old ladies be warned.

3.  Talking About Sex: Nothing is worse than the moment your  mom sits you down to explain the “facts of life” to you.  Oh wait, unless it’s your grandmother or some other older lady…and she’s talking about her personal experiences. Welcome to way-past-the-point of blissful ignorance. Read More »

Yesterday was my birthday and while it should be the greatest day every year (besides Halloween!), I have a few gripes.

1. The Facebook “Happy Birthday” – I’ve been using FB long enough to know that most people (myself included) rely on it to tell us of important upcoming birthdays. That’s fine. What’s not fine is the sheer amount of people who do not speak to me in person but have no problem wishing me a happy birthday on my wall. Here’s a tip: if were aren’t close enough for you to leave me a witty inside joke, then I don’t want your birthday wishes.

2. Getting Old – I’m old. Really old. I won’t tell you how old (you’ll have to be my FB friend for that….and then randomly wish me a happy birthday every year), but it’s not pretty over here. No more staying up all night to party and feeling great the next day. Now I have to weigh every night out and decide if it will be fun enough to be worth the 3-day hangover that will follow it up. Seriously. I never felt hangovers like this when I was in my prime (20-22). And I hear it’s only worse from here…

3. Big Birthday Parties – My birthday dinner was with 5 of my wonderful friends. I make a rule that I have to be able to talk to everyone at my birthday, otherwise why should they come? I have tons of friends who do the 30-person birthday dinner, or 60-person bar evite. Come on, people. Big birthdays are fine for big moments: 21st, 30th… I know you want to feel special on your birthday, but you don’t need to celebrate with that girl from your Psych study group. Or the T.A.. Or anyone else who only communicate with you through Facebook. Read More »

Designer duds – for fashionistas around the world, they are a must-have. But with the economy in the crapper and most of us on a college student or recent graduate budget, finding the cash flow for those lovely labels is a lot harder than drooling over them. However, it is possible to find designer apparel and accessories at very discounted prices without having to elbow some other fashionista in the aisle at TJ Maxx, Loehmann’s or Filene’s Basement.

Just hit the internet.

While the prices are oftentimes still much higher than those pieces you love grabbing at Target, Old Navy, Forever 21 or H&M, many of these items are much higher in quality and can be wardrobe staples for many years to come.

I am personally obsessed with designer denim, shoes and handbags. I don’t have the salary to allow me to buy whatever I want at their normal price and I don’t own a credit card (for good reason – it would’ve been maxed out ages ago), so I have to look for deals. Enter my saviors for retail therapy on a budget:

Overstock.com: This site is a gem! You may not always find exactly what you want, but you can find some great stuff here at even better prices. I got my bf 2 sweaters and a button down shirt that were each originally $75/piece, for $15 each! You can also find great home goods here for awesomely affordable prices.

Bluefly: While things here are oftentimes still pretty pricey, they do give a good percentage off, and I check here often because when they have sales, you can find phenomenal deals. Read More »

I know what I’m asking for this Christmas! Lord knows I need some practice before my real cat lady days set in. Sigh.

Some individuals think Sean Connery is a total hottie…and we think those people are wrong. And gross. And blind. But it seems Louis Vuitton’s people agree, as they just named Mr. Connery the new face of their ad campaigns.

The new ads will launch later this month, but we have a feeling the meetings behind the choice of (super) old dude went something like this:

“The economy sucks.”

“Yeah. It really sucks.”

“People don’t have the money to spend $100,000 on a suitcase! How do we make them more appealing?”

“We gotta make our leather look better. But how?”

“Oh! I know! Put it next to a really old guy. His leathery face will make our bags look like butter.”

“YES!”

Good work, LV. Your bags have never looked better!

Whenever a boy that we like doesn’t call, or does call and says something like, “Your early morning beer bongs are really not attractive,” the same thought crosses our minds:

Must buy cats.

And then fear washes over us as we realize that we might one day become this woman. God save us.

First, there were “Obama Waffles“.  Now?  There’s…well, this: