Scarred. For. Life.

Our mothers may not always have the soundest judgment in situations regarding appropriate behavior, like when they think chain e-mail  jokes are actually funny and they think flipping through family photo albums with your friends is an enjoyable activity for all.

Note: they’re not.
Seriously.

Poor Lourdes must have a much longer list of Momma Madonna’s to-do taboos, one that must surely include posing for Dolce & Gabbana with her fifty-two year-old cleavage as the focal point.

Look Madge: the world knows you’re a celebrity mom with a young boyfriend and a fantastically fit body, but we really do not need to see it on large-scale prints in department stores and giant billboards in Times Square! Madonna/Madge/Esther/MILF-used-to-be, you are no longer a Material Girl who is Like A Virgin, so please stop pretending. If not for me and my night tremors then, please, do it for Lourdes! Break that contract if D&G won’t provide you with a sweater on set, and give the Photoshop guy (who’s clearly been working overtime) a break!

It’s not like you need the money, Margie. And isn’t the mental health of your daughter worth more than a pile of hundos anyway?

Ironically, you say Lourdes is growing up too fast. I don’t know what kind of clock you keep on your nightstand, woman, but time eventually passes and people get older. And you’re one of those people. There’s a gate that closes on certain behaviors once you’re over the hump (hence why my mother doesn’t do keg stands anymore….thank god), and no amount of yoga or young model boyfriends or design collaborations with your fourteen-year-old daughter will alter the date on your birth certificate.

The weather in Cougartown is clearly not that hot, so let’s get you some age-appropriate outfits (that cover those arms!) and spare poor Lourdes a life of shame and humiliation.

I DON'T WANNA GROW UPPPPP

While most people begin planning their birthday celebrations months in advance and turn the entire birthday month into a party all about them, the thought of my November birthday is making me ill. Instead of spending my back-to-school days partying with my friends at football tailgates and planning my Halloween costume, I’m having near-panic attacks about my impending b-day.

Why? Because I’m turning 20 and it is scaring the crap out of me.

I haven’t always been afraid of my birthday. When I was a wee tween, I was so excited to turn 14 I had a countdown on my wall. I was constantly reading books that made it seem like the age to be. The girls seemed so sophisticated and mature, usually because they were dealing with things like getting their first kiss (which I coincidentally got when I was 14…I knew it would be an awesome age). Getting older was exciting, too. There were so many great perks that came with a new year: higher allowance, driver’s license, R-rated movies. But then I turned 18 and all the scary changes that came with that age threw me for a loop.

I was filled with anticipation about going to college and starting a new part of my life, but I was also depressed that the life I had known was coming to an end. So, as a way of dealing with that, I half-jokingly, half-I’m-so-dead-serious-it’s-not-even-funny denied my birthday. I just pretended it wasn’t going to happen. People would ask me “What do you want for your bithday?” and I was all, “Uh, no thanks, it’s kind of just not coming around this year.”

And the big 2-0 is worse. Sure, I’m one step closer to legal drinking, but I’m also one year closer to having to fully take responsibility for every aspect of my life. And I’m scared that my adult life is just going to stop being fun.

I can’t see myself being fulfilled with just a job, husband, and kids. I know my idea of fun will mature – after all, there was a time when all I wanted to do was dress up in my Belle dress and recite the dialogue, verbatim, as I watched Beauty and the Beast on VHS. But knowing this doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare the bejeezus out of me.

I love who I am now, and I adore how my life is. I’m nervous it’s going to go by too quickly. Right now, the possibilities for my life seem endless. I’m just beginning to discover what I’m capable of, and what the world may have in store for me. It’s the most exhilarating feeling I’ve ever had, and I want to hold on to it for as long as possible.

We’ve all heard it before: “Enjoy college! Best years of my life, I tell ya, went by way too fast.” I can practically see the wistful longing for those days of debauchery in the speakers’ glazed-over eyes. Another year and another birthday means another step closer to being that person.

Even though it’s difficult, I’m trying to embrace the fact that I’m getting older. I’m sure some amazing things will come with age so I’m doing my best to look to the future, not the past.  More importantly, I’m trying to realize that getting older doesn’t mean I have to stop enjoying life. I don’t have to be some married lady with kids and a garden; I’m going to be one of those really active old women who climbs mountains and radiates joie di vivre. Either that or I’ll be some old creeper, hustling my way into college parties to take body shots with the freshmen.

What about you, fabulous readers? Are you excited to get older? Dreading it? Or are you experiencing a whirlwind of confusing emotions when it comes to aging?

Girls with tattoos get a bad rap these days. They are associated with “don’t mess with me” bad ass chicks, trashy/skanky girls, and hippie-love-child wannabes. But I want a tattoo and I am none of those things.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about permanently tagging myself, but I can’t seem to commit to it. There is so much to consider, tattoos being permanent and all, and the last thing I want is to regret my decision. Or end up with 56 stars on my face.

On the one hand, I agree with Angelina Jolie when she said, “A tattoo is something permanent when you’ve made a self-discovery, or something you’ve come to a conclusion about…and a strong reminder to live fully in the moment.” At the same time, though, I also agree with my friend’s brother who said, “Imagine getting scrunch socks tattooed on your legs in the early 90′s. Would you want that there now?”

Touch, bro. Touche.

So, let’s break down the pros and cons of the tat.

It Will Be On You Forever

The bad: Obviously, a trademark of a tattoo is that it’s permanent, which is part of both its charm and its demise. I know a girl who got an enormous tattoo on her ribcage and half of her stomach. Let’s be real here, people are living pretty damn long these days, which means stupid adages to “live fast, die fun” will be stuck on their (considerably more flabby and wrinkly) torsos for just as long.

The good: Some tattoos are chosen simply for their permanence, such as getting your significant other permanently scrolled across your arm to proclaim your everlasting love (right Johnny Depp?), or for someone you lost, a part of your heritage, or something that means a lot to you. If placed in a strategic location, who cares if something important to you is on you forever? That’s the point!

It Will Generate Attention

The bad: Let’s face it, a lot of girls with tattoos are the same people who wear shirts that say “Drink Til He’s Cute” and will likely attempt a bar fight with you for looking at her man wrong. In other words: they want people to look at ‘em. Getting butterflies, flowers or dolphins inked in a visible location (i.e. lower back) is just begging guys to stare. And judge you.

The good: Nothing screams “I am spontaneous and interesting” like a well-positioned, unique and understated tattoo. Afterball, tattoos are like stories on your body, each having an inherent meaning. I know a guy who chased after this girl simply for her little Chinese character on her lower hip because she just seemed “so much cooler than the girls he was used to.”

It Is A Work Of Art

The bad: Apparently not all tattoo artists are on the same level. I know a few people who have received bad tattoos and deeply regret them. One girl got stars tattooed right above her vajay (I know – really poor decision…) and the guy doing them totally messed up (maybe because he was so close to her vajay). But even the best tattoos can bleed or fade, leaving your beautiful looking like more of an eyesore than eye candy.

The good: Gotta love that freedom of expression. What many people forget is that tattooing is one of the oldest and most widely practiced forms of artwork. Also, tattooing an original design onto your body is an unparalleled mode of expression and can be liberating. The uniqueness and value you and others assign to tattoos is the part that matters.

Well folks, she’s preggers.  At 66, Elizabeth Adeney is set to be Britain’s oldest woman to give birth, beating the previous record holder by a whopping nine years.  Um, gross?

Stories like this are destined to send shivers down your spine and flash disturbing images of your mother and/or grandmother doing similar things before your eyes.  There are things that we just don’t want to see old (not older, old) ladies doing and getting knocked up is definitely one of them.

Here is a list of 10 more things that old ladies definitely SHOULDN’T be doing:

1.  Having Sex: Worse than just talking about sex, the fact that old ladies have sex is just plain awful.  Just think of the wrinkles and folds and floppiness…oh gawd.  Curse the day when pharmaceutical companies decided that it was okay for old people to get it on.  Curse it!

2.  Wearing Mini-Skirts (or any variation on that fashion): Hey, if you’ve got the legs, show ‘em off.  Just realize that they have an expiration date and it’s usually around the age of 40 (unless you’re one of the lovely ladies on Sex and the City).  Old ladies be warned.

3.  Talking About Sex: Nothing is worse than the moment your  mom sits you down to explain the “facts of life” to you.  Oh wait, unless it’s your grandmother or some other older lady…and she’s talking about her personal experiences. Welcome to way-past-the-point of blissful ignorance.

4.  Posing Nude: I’m having trouble even justifying the fact that old ladies have to be naked at all, much less reveling in it and making other people watch (you hear that, Janice Dickinson?!).  I can’t even to begin to describe my revulsion.

5.  Dancing (anything but the waltz): A waltz between old people is fine, precious even.  However, a club?  No, thanks.  If my mom feels a groove thing coming on, I hope she would get herself to a gym and spin it out there instead of heading down to a hot club and shakin’ it on the dance floor.

6.  Using Slang: Slang is a possession of the youth culture and, guess what?  We don’t like to share.  When old ladies try to use the words and phrases from our generation, it just sounds wrong.  No one wants to make plans to meet granny for lunch and have her respond with, “Fo Shizzle, Nizzle.” That’s not even cool anymore, grams!

7. Enhancing Their Assets: Let’s face it – wrinkles and a push-up bra are a toxic combination.  No matter how far those suckers fall, grandma just better let ‘em hang, ’cause I am so not down for seeing any part of your 70-year-old knockers.

8. Wearing Bikinis: A family vacation at the beach or what-have-you is cute.  Including grandma in the vacation is even more quaint.  However, when grandma packs her new thong bikini?  Vacation just got real.  Too real.

9.  Shopping at Victoria’s Secret: Everything in that store is going to lead to flirting, dancing, sex, or other activities restricted to young hotties like ourselves.  No old ladies allowed. (See above. Yes, all of it.)

10. Facebookin’: Getting status updates from my friends every five minutes is enough; I don’t need to see what some old lady is cooking for dinner (at 4 pm), or all the pictures she has from her latest reunion with the grandkids. Stay off Facebook, old people. That’s ours!

1. The Facebook “Happy Birthday” – I’ve been using FB long enough to know that most people (myself included) rely on it to tell us of important upcoming birthdays. That’s fine. What’s not fine is the sheer amount of people who do not speak to me in person but have no problem wishing me a happy birthday on my wall. Here’s a tip: if were aren’t close enough for you to leave me a witty inside joke, then I don’t want your birthday wishes.

2. Getting Old – I’m old. Really old. I won’t tell you how old (you’ll have to be my FB friend for that….and then randomly wish me a happy birthday every year), but it’s not pretty over here. No more staying up all night to party and feeling great the next day. Now I have to weigh every night out and decide if it will be fun enough to be worth the 3-day hangover that will follow it up. Seriously. I never felt hangovers like this when I was in my prime (20-22). And I hear it’s only worse from here…

3. Big Birthday Parties – My birthday dinner was with 5 of my wonderful friends. I make a rule that I have to be able to talk to everyone at my birthday, otherwise why should they come? I have tons of friends who do the 30-person birthday dinner, or 60-person bar evite. Come on, people. Big birthdays are fine for big moments: 21st, 30th… I know you want to feel special on your birthday, but you don’t need to celebrate with that girl from your Psych study group. Or the T.A.. Or anyone else who only communicate with you through Facebook.

4. No More Presents - “We’re in a recession,” “you’re too old,” blah blah blah. I still want presents!  Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful for the free shots at the bar, but I want a present that doesn’t leave me sticking my face in the toilet bowl at the end of the night. I want clothes! Toys! Jewelry! (And no, FB gifts don’t count!)

5. Can’t we get some fat free birthday cake by now? It’s 2009!

Just hit the internet.

While the prices are oftentimes still much higher than those pieces you love grabbing at Target, Old Navy, Forever 21 or H&M, many of these items are much higher in quality and can be wardrobe staples for many years to come.

I am personally obsessed with designer denim, shoes and handbags. I don’t have the salary to allow me to buy whatever I want at their normal price and I don’t own a credit card (for good reason – it would’ve been maxed out ages ago), so I have to look for deals. Enter my saviors for retail therapy on a budget:

Overstock.com: This site is a gem! You may not always find exactly what you want, but you can find some great stuff here at even better prices. I got my bf 2 sweaters and a button down shirt that were each originally $75/piece, for $15 each! You can also find great home goods here for awesomely affordable prices.

Bluefly: While things here are oftentimes still pretty pricey, they do give a good percentage off, and I check here often because when they have sales, you can find phenomenal deals.

Gilt Group: This site is different than the first two…they don’t just have overstocked items that you can pick from whenever you want. They have specific sales on certain brands on a day-to-day basis. The site originators send out an e-mail every day as to who’s on sale. You must be a member to join (it’s free), and I believe you must be invited to become a member. You are now invited.

Haute Look: Very similar to Gilt Group, they have exclusive sales with phenomenal deals. Check on their site daily for the current and upcoming lines they will be selling.

eBags: If you’re a bag horse, this is a great site. I got my bf an amazing $250 Kenneth Cole leather messenger bag for $70, and they gave me a free leather business card case with it!

eLuxury: Again, still not exactly in a college student’s budget, but the prices are slashed by 30-70%

One other tip I have is to check the websites of the high end stores themselves: Barneys, Nieman Marcus, Saks, Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, and Macy’s. With the recession, one of the arenas getting hit the hardest is luxury goods, so these stores are just hoping to get merchandise off their shelves and out of their storage, which means they’re all having kick-butt sales (usually in the 50-90% off range). These sales are sure to pop up over the next few months as the economy worsens. So if you have the chance (and the bucks), take advantage of the benefits of a global economic collapse – you may get a fabulous pair of shoes out of it.

I know what I’m asking for this Christmas! Lord knows I need some practice before my real cat lady days set in. Sigh.

Some individuals think Sean Connery is a total hottie…and we think those people are wrong. And gross. And blind. But it seems Louis Vuitton’s people agree, as they just named Mr. Connery the new face of their ad campaigns.

The new ads will launch later this month, but we have a feeling the meetings behind the choice of (super) old dude went something like this:

“The economy sucks.”

“Yeah. It really sucks.”

“People don’t have the money to spend $100,000 on a suitcase! How do we make them more appealing?”

“We gotta make our leather look better. But how?”

“Oh! I know! Put it next to a really old guy. His leathery face will make our bags look like butter.”

“YES!”

Good work, LV. Your bags have never looked better!

Must buy cats.

And then fear washes over us as we realize that we might one day become this woman. God save us.