Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have a dilemma. Currently I’m (only) 17 and a junior in high school, though I would like to think that I seem ‘beyond my years.’ At 5’11″, it is not uncommon for adults to think I am older, which can be fun when I’m out on the town with my girls and older guys spark up convos. Lately though, this whole maturity thing has seemed like more of a burden than a blessing. I’m tired of high school; the way teachers still view me as ‘a kid’, the petty drama, and as you can probably guess–the boys.

I have a great group of girl friends who I love so much, and we always manage to cook up some crazy nights out. When I go out with my friends to meet up with guys, they always expect me to get with whoever hits on me. This usually puts me in the awkward situation of being left alone with a Bieber look-alike, trying to form the best pickup line he can muster.

I know that I’m intimidating. I know that I am one of the ‘hot bitch girls who thinks she’s better than everyone.’ But the truth is that I feel so done with it. Most of the guys at my school seem so young, and aren’t very…intellectual. I really love to have actual conversations, no matter how wasted I am, which makes me seem stand-offish to guys who are trying to hook up. The guys who I find interesting are usually people I see being friends with, not hooking up with. At this point I just want to get to know older men, though I am seriously wondering if I might be gay, because I have no interest at all in the guys my age. I am so confused right now, so sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I just don’t see why my friends, who are gorgeous and intelligent, can be open to hooking up with tons of boys, whereas I have to be the one closed off to boys that don’t fit my ‘criteria.’ I would love to be the girl who left all inhibitions at the door, guy-wise. Advice would be great, or just reassurance that this is just a phase.

XOXO,
Men Not Boys

Dear Men Not Boys,

I actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

What the floop, I repeat, WHAT THE FLOOP made teenage boys think they can get with any girl they want?! Teenage boys, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you are at the absolute bottom of the dating food chain. You’re nasty. We know it, you know it. So why do you expect every girl you meet to suck face with you?! I want to say, teenage boys, that many of you will grow into yourselves. Someday, many of you will be decent men. Some will even be cool. But teenage boys–I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. But you’re nasty.

Okay, back to you, MNB. Yeah, seriously, totally don’t get with boys you’re not interested in. Seriously, what’s the point?! They’ll have a good time, you’ll be washing their slime off and wishing you’d just hung out with your friends.

But this question has so many parts, and, frankly, I think that’s the least of them.

You’re tired of being treated like a kid. I’m sorry, kid, but you ARE a kid. As long as you’re in high school, you have to understand that you’re gonna be considered a teenager. Because, um, you are one. But never fear!! There are two ways around this:

(1) Act more responsible and mature. That doesn’t mean act like a Know-It-All-Too-Amazingly-Mature-For-All-This teenager (because, and you don’t know this yet, but that is a definite type that the 21+ crowd loves to hate). It means be kind to people, stay cool and composed even when you’re annoyed, and succeed in as many areas of your life as you possibly can.
Or…
(2) Grin and bear it till you leave for college.

I suggest option #1.

But, in the meantime, there’s this third/fourth situation(s), which is (are?!) whether or not you should pursue older men, or if, in fact, you are a lesbian.

Well, honey, it’s okay not to know. Sexual identity is fluid, baby. Just lay back and enjoy the ride.

Which is such a simplistic way of putting it. Okay, maybe you’re a lesbian. Maybe you’re bi. Maybe you’re straight and you just haven’t had enough experience to know yet. Or maybe you’re just bored in high school and want to try something new. (Anyone watch the British “Skins?” Tony?? Yeah???) Any way is fine. Don’t rush into labeling yourself. Enjoy spending time with both genders and don’t get caught up in thinking inside the box. …No pun intended.

[KIDS. DON'T GIVE AUNT TUFFY A HEART ATTACK. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. Condoms and dental dams and all that, yes?! Here's a pretty fun article on safe sex for lesbians.]

So, okay. Maybe you’re a lesbian, maybe not. Tuffy has no idea. And either do you. And that’s okay. You’re gonna have a good (but safe) time and try things out until you find what’s wrong. But you’re ONLY gonna try it out with people YOU’RE interested in, NOT people who try to pressure you into it, like the boys you mention in your question. You hear me?! Men or women, but only people YOU’RE interested in.

Older men are actually more complicated. This is because, when someone is significantly older, the power automatically shifts in someone’s favor. It might be yours (he’s so entranced by this hot young thing at his side!), but, more likely, it’s his (he has the freedom, he has the experience, and, most significantly, he has the money). I’m not saying to NOT date older men. If you find the right guy, I mean, hey, love is love. But don’t just hang out with any old creepster who offers to buy you a drink. Old guys are often just as skanktastic as young guys–they’ve just had time to get better at hiding it.

But never, ever let anyone tell you that you suck because you want to, you know, actually WANT someone you’re gonna hook up with. This is 2011, girl. You can hook up with whoever you like–IF you want to.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Got anything to add to Tuffy's advice? Let it all out below. Oh, and get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.]

And you thought Justin Bieber fans were scary….

Old men are sexier than ever.

And this is why we love dating in the Fall.

BFF is officially a word. Just look it up!

This fall, it’s all about the shearling.

How to keep from moving too fast in a relationship.

What is it about professors?

Usually, I’m not the kind of girl to find much older men attractive. I guess I just like ‘em bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I know it’s perfectly normal, and even expected, for women to date older men, but I don’t see the appeal of it. I’ll take Zac Efron over George Clooney any day of the week.

I just don’t get it when my friends talk about how hot George Clooney is. Isn’t he, like, 50? I mean, come on. His skin is so leathery I can almost smell it. And when Monica dated Richard on Friends, I cringed every time they kissed. Mostly because Tom Selleck looks like my Uncle Dennis, but still. Am I really supposed to find the bushy mustache sexy?

But then all that changed a couple months ago as I sat taking notes in class…

Maybe it’s his bifocals. Maybe it’s his silver hoop earring, or his penny loafers, or the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to Benjamin Bratt (with wrinkles and gray hair). But I’ve got a serious thing for my over-the-hill film professor. It doesn’t help that his name is Mark Robinson, which has inspired more than a handful of before-bed daydreams featuring myself murmuring the phrase, “Are you trying to seduce me, Professor Robinson?” as he slowly reveals his argyle knee socks.

The way he lectures is just so…passionate. I have honestly learned more in his class than I have in any other one this semester, and it’s not just because I show up to every class and hang on his every word.

The class meets every Tuesday night from 6:00 to 10:00. First we (passionately) discuss readings, and then we watch a film together. So in my deranged and perhaps delusional mind, Professor Robinson and I  have already been on several dates. What? … He turns off the lights, and he sits in the row RIGHT next to me! It counts. It does.

Shut up.

I’m not the type to flirt with professors (young or old) simply because I’m paranoid they will assume I’m trying to suck up for a good grade, so I just hide my love away while other girls talk to him. Although on the last exam, I dotted the ‘i’ in my last name with a heart. Hopefully he’ll get the hint and ask me out. Then we’ll spend an evening caught up in intellectual conversation and laughing about the younger, less civilized college boys in my class as I run my hands through his thinning gray hair.

Until then, though, I’ll be sitting front row at the showing of my imagination’s production of The Undergraduate, starring myself and the Silver Fox. I can’t help it; I’ve fallen head over the hill for this guy.

I know you guys have sexy professors. Are any of you as hopelessly in love as I am?

I am never going back.

First, I’ll explain the downside, and if you can make it past that, then it’s possible an older man might be just what you’re looking for.

If you’re looking for a fling, this is NOT the type of relationship for you, unless otherwise explicitly stated.  (And then you’re saying to yourself, “What?! You’re 35 and you’re NOT trying to settle down?”)

Older men are also more likely to come with baggage — like ex-wives and/or children.

Also, I always have this lingering fear that they will somehow find me, or the things I do, or like, or say, to be utterly childish.  I always have this suspicion lurking in the back of my mind that they’re saying to themselves, “Oh how naïve and cute she is.”

On the other hand, I love the fact that they know how to order at a restaurant — and that they even have a restaurant in mind that they’d like to try.  For that matter, I like the fact that they know what they like and what they don’t like and aren’t still running around experimenting with whatever comes their way.

I like the fact that an older man can take a common sense approach to things, an approach that balances my own headstrong impulsiveness.   I like to listen to their stories of growing up in an era very different from my own.  I like that they know how to actually listen to my stories.  I like reminding them of what it’s like to be young and carefree, and helping them to lighten up a little bit.

Some more positives:

1.    They have JOBS.

2.    They are much more eager to please (in bed)

3.    More emotional and relational maturity

4.    They know more about the world, i.e. can have intelligent conversations on a variety of subjects.

Are you a convert yet?

By the way, I am not looking for a father figure.  I have one already, thank you very much, and we are very close.  I am looking for a real man, that’s all.  Someone who isn’t going to play games, and who has moved (hopefully) beyond the immature jealousies and strutting around of younger men.  I like someone who really knows how to hold a woman, and who knows how to relate to her like the individual that she is.

Maybe I just had bad luck. Maybe I just picked the wrong guys my own age.  And as much as it goes against my need for the new and exciting, I like the stability and safety of someone who doesn’t need to have his ego pumped, who has his own life, and wants to be with me just because he enjoys spending the time.  There is nothing more amazing than the connection of two brains on the same level.  You should try it sometime.

Got any stories of your own?  Do you think older men are hot, or are you just getting yourself into hot water?

[Photo courtesy of abc.net]

A: I honestly laughed out loud when I saw this question in my inbox. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a soft spot for the older men. When I was 19, I found myself newly single after a two-year relationship. After about a week of crying in bed and eating ice cream, I decided it was time to date–and I had eyes only for older men. For two years, I dated men that were anywhere from five to eighteen (that’s not a typo!) years older than me.

What did I learn? From 18 to 38, men don’t mature all that much. Relationship angst is relationship angst, no matter the age difference. Of course, maturity level of both parties is a huge factor. Without fail, every man I dated in that two-year period would marvel at how mature I was for my age. It’s true–I’m a bit of an old woman trapped in a 20-something’s body. Dating older men worked for me because even though I was still in school, I wasn’t living on campus and was no way involved in the college social scene. And I much preferred being taken out to a nice restaurant and enjoying a glass of (illegal) wine with dinner than doing a keg stand with my significant other.

In your case, six years can be a total non-issue; he’s only a few years out of college and may very well be on the same wavelength as you in terms of relationships and lifestyle. You’re also less likely to run into the Peter Pan complex that was present in many of the older guys I dated, especially the 30-something-musician-still-waiting-for-his-big-break type.

So, taboo? I’d say definitely not. Go for it. It’s a cliche for a reason: you’ll never know unless you try. Despite all of the bad apples I found in those two years, I also found myself a good one: a well-read, smart, interesting 34-year old that I’ve been dating for eight months. You’re both adults, so see what happens and don’t rule out the older men all together if it doesn’t work out; age difference is insignificant compared to maturity, compatibility, similar values, and, most importantly, how happy he makes you. Have fun and let us know how it goes!

Got a relationship or sex question? Email pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and we’ll tackle it next time!

In college, tradition is everything and there is no tradition more important, more long-lasting and more talked about than hooking up with the college freshman.

I can’t tell you how many times I watched my friends drool over the freshman girls walking in and out of the dorms. They plotted, they schemed and they visited frat parties in an effort to woo the ladies girls back to their filthy apartments.

But, why?!

What is it about this group of girls that is so appealing? And why, with so many awesome ladies already roaming around campus, do guys feel the need to “hit that sh*t”?

Let’s find out:

He Said:

It’s the beginning of the new school year, and you know what that means—hot freshman tail to chase! At least that’s what us upperclassmen guys think of when we start the new semester.

With droves of 18-year-old hotties filling in the ranks, hooking up with as many of them as possible becomes a matter of intense interest for returning dudes. But why freshmen?

First, because they’re new to the scene, they don’t know if you’re a loser or not. They’ve just come from who knows where, fresh into the world of “adulthood” (if you count being in college as adulthood), and you can tell them pretty much anything (within reason) without them knowing any better.

Second, because chicks often prefer to date older dudes, your position as an upperclassman automatically gives you the illusion of being wiser–or at least more experienced, which translates into attractiveness. You already know where to find your classes, where the best bars are in town, which parties are must-go-to’s, etc… so taking a freshman chick under your wing is as simple as shotgunning a beer. Or at least it’s easier than trying to convince someone who already knows you that you’re worth their while.

Lastly, it’s a matter of male pride. Despite what the reality is, freshmen seem strangely young an innocent when they first arrive, untainted by the harsh realities of the “real world”–or at least the party scene. So all guys want to scoop up the newly arrived babes before all their dirty, rotten classmates get to them first and ruin all the fun. Remember, it’s only a matter of time before these nubile newbies have a reputation too.

She Said:

When I was a freshman I believed anything and everything people told me and I would do anything to get into the coolest frat party in town (which were never really that cool anyway). Knowing that, I can totally see why guys are always flocking to the freshmen. It is easy prey.

But that doesn’t negate the fact that it is totally scummy and disgusting. How guys can sit on their raunchy futons and celebrate the naivety of the freshman (and their desire to bone one) and take pride in it is beyond me. Also, how they can even touch the futon blows my mind.

Think about it: the only difference between a freshman and anyone else on campus is the fact that they are new, “pure,” and young. When a guy goes after one, then, he is not doing it because he thinks she is cute or smart or wonderful; he thinks she is young, naïve and will take off her pants without a problem.Very mature, boys.

It is not that I am opposed to hooking up with a freshman – some of them are pretty effing hot and I always thought it would be fun to head back to the dorms for a little twin-extra-long action (you know, for old times’ sake) – but I am against hooking up with a freshman simply because they are one. Well, that the fact that I prefer older men…who know what they are doing below the belt.

Freshmen are nothing more to me than the new kids on campus who are walking around in packs, puking from their inability to handle their alcohol and stealing all the older guys on campus.

I told my mother the other day that I felt like I was getting old and she laughed at me. She said she didn’t want to hear sh*t about getting old until I went through menopause. Fair enough.

But that doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel thirty and all of its dastardly implications creeping up behind me, breathing warm and horrifying down my neck. Here are some signs that I’m getting old; my youth and lack of responsibility fading farther and farther into the distance. Keep in mind that there is a distinction between getting old and becoming more mature, as one can see in the way I respond to my family in #8.

10. I don’t listen to music on the radio anymore. I listen to NPR. All Day. Every single day of the week. And then when I get to work, I listen to it online. And in podcast form.

9. I have a thing for older men.

8. My family has moved on from asking when I’m going to get married to when I’m going to have a baby. To which my inner voice triumphantly screams, “NEVER, SUCKAS!”

7. I can’t get drunk anymore. And I don’t even feel like trying. Frightning, I know. When I do drink, I drink wine.

6. My main source of exercise is step aerobics.

5. I refuse to get a new car because I like my 97 Volvo just fine, thank you, and new cars are a horrible investment, what with the depreciation.

4. I don’t understand kids today.

3. My Christmas and birthday lists included not DVDs, books, CDs, MP3 players, etc as it had in previous years. Instead, I really wanted some new bakeware. And a nice new set of sheets. And, okay, a book about the Dust Bowl.

2. My facebook status currently says, no joke and totally unironically, “Yay! My Unsolved Mysteries DVDs are in!” And an episode totally made me cry today.

1. I wake up early every morning, at like 6:30. For. No. Reason. I don’t have to be at work until 10 or so. And I spend that extra time drinking coffee and reading a book. Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra frisky, I do my step aerobics.

Help?

Mike Rowe-46. Mike was exactly my age when I was born, meaning, of course, that he is twice as old as I am. But what is age when you have a body like that? And a voice? And a sense of humor? And he’s not afraid to get dirty, which has awesomely naughty implications. I’ve watched his show, Dirty Jobs, and seen him in the most disgusting of circumstances, but being covered by any number of horrible substances doesn’t dampen my desire for the man one tiny bit.

Viggo Mortenson-50. This man is fifty! Anyone who has seen Viggo’s naked fight scene in Eastern Promises would be flabbergasted to imagine that his body could belong to a fifty year old. I admire his acting ability, yes, but he’s on the list of prospective sugar daddies out of pure and unadulterated lust.

Penn Jillette-53. I have a really inexplicable crush on this guy. It’s probably best that we not go into it.

John Edwards-54 G*ddamn if he isn’t a good looking man. He’s all dimples and southern charm, working against poverty. I don’t know what is sexier than trying to abolish poverty. Plus, the guy has a great sense of humor, as his appearances on The Daily Show can attest. I would share a jet ski with you any day, Mr. Edwards. Especially if it means that you will be a bathing suit.

David Bowie-61. This man will be sexy in his 80’s. It’s really less about the looks and more about the attitude, the legacy. The only drawback is that even in his 60’s, he is probably way more sexually adventurous than I am. I don’t know if I could keep up with him, but it would sure be fun to try.

Let's see...]

DAY ONE

7:05 a.m. Boyfriend wakes me up to kiss me before he goes to work, like he does every morning. Like every morning, I feel guilty about my morning breath, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

3:45 Boyfriend comes home early and suggests a quickie.

3:46 Boyfriend catches my unenthusiastic response and tells me never mind. I feel awful, as I do every time I turn him down, but I’ve been cleaning all day without a shower and I had just finished an hour of wii fit so I was sore. I promise him that I’ll make it up to him later that night.

1:22 a.m. Come home from seeing a friend’s band play. Still too sore and tired for sex, so I offer him a blow job as soon as we get home.

1:23 He tells me, and I quote, “I’m okay right now, but thanks”. I wonder if I am ever supposed to get to a point in a relationship where I don’t take these things personally. I need to let it go.

2:33 Boyfriend tries to have sex, but I’m absolutely exhausted. I roll over to take one for the team, so to speak, but boyfriend again tells me never mind. I start to get angry now because I feel like he’s having a hissy fit.

DAY TWO

8:10 a.m. Boyfriend wakes up like nothing happened the night before to tell me about the dream he just had.

8:12 I tell him about the horrific dream I had, that we had a baby. To the baby’s credit, he was remarkably well behaved. His name was Malcolm (after Malcolm McDowell) and it turns out at the end of the dream, that we were just being tested to see if we were fit parents and we failed. Angela Bassett came and took little Malcolm back to the baby factory and I was sad.

11:45 a.m. We finally do have sex, doggie-style behind an open window in our bedroom. Boyfriend has discovery fantasies, and likes people to watch. I don’t, but having sex in front of a window seems harmless enough, so I humor him.

DAY THREE

8 a.m. Wake up not as sore and up for some morning nookie but boyfriend is still asleep

10:00 Boyfriend is still asleep so I look up some internet porn, but it’s too early for me to be too especially into it.

NOON Boyfriend is still asleep so I put in Pride and Prejudice for a little literary porn.

1:00 p.m. Boyfriend is awake, but I don’t feel like having sex anymore

8:12 Finally feel like having sex after watching a documentary called Sex With Strangers. I even sort of feel like having sex with a stranger, the documentary makes it sound like a hoot.

8:23 Have a mid-cunnilingus conversation about trying a foursome, but quickly realize that I’m not quite that well adjusted.

8:45 I go down on him and then we have sex in our recliner in the living room (again, discovery fantasies) me on top.

DAY FOUR

11 a.m. Enjoying day off from work by floating down the river

1 p.m. Covertly feel boyfriend up underwater. He reminds me that the river is freshwater and thusly very cold, but I don’t mind.

6:00 Get home to realize that we are both sunburned within an inch of our lives, thus ruining any chance of anything sexual for a couple of days at least

6:30 As physical contact is too painful, I get to touch boyfriend only when I rub aloe on his back, chest, and arms.

9:30 Fall asleep on totally different sides of the bed, miserable, with only our hands touching.

Day FIVE

7:15 a.m. Wake up to a morning kiss. I feel like someone has barbequed me. No nooky today. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

8:30 Have to wear the only dress that doesn’t irritate my sunburn to work. Which just happens to show off my sunburned boobs to perfection.

10:00 Wonder if the IT guy that just walked by was gawking at my lobster suit or my huge red boobs.

5:30 p.m. Boyfriend gets home and we kiss without touching any parts of our bodies. I rub him down with aloe a la sensual massage and give him some ibuprofen. He rubs me down very slowly and then bites my earlobe and I curse the sun and my nearly-albino skin.

DAY SIX

9 a.m. I start to feel a lot better, think about surprising boyfriend with a blowjob when he gets home.

3:30 p.m. Work is driving me crazy so I go home early and masturbate. Decide that I’m definitely going to jump boyfriend when he gets home.

5:00 I feel achy and crappy again, but its been a couple of days since we’ve been intimate so I decide to brave it and definitely surprise boyfriend with a blow job.

6:00 Boyfriend comes home after awful day and his sunburn has made him all itchy, so I doubt he wants blow job.

1 a.m. Boyfriend’s sunburn itch is now unbearable, so I wake up and run to the pharmacy to get him an antihistamine.

1:20 a.m. I spray him down and he feels better almost immediately. He mumbles something about how much he loves me and that I’ve saved his life and falls asleep.

DAY SEVEN

8:30 a.m.-Wake up, decide to skip out on work today and look up shirtless pictures of Mike Rowe. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

9:00 Decide that if I’m not going go to work, that I should spend day more constructively, so I turn on Dirty Jobs while I clean and do some writing

11:30 Wonder with some alarm if my new celebrity obsession means I’m in to older men.

11:31 Realize that I’ve never dated or slept with a younger man (to my knowledge, at least)

5:30 Boyfriend gets home, and I give him a quick sweaty kiss while I‘m playing wii fit.

8:30 Too sore from Wii Fit to have sex

10:00 Fall asleep at a pathetically early hour while watching Dirty Jobs.

Totals: one act of masturbation, one act of fellatio, one act of cunnilingus, two acts of attempted fellatio, two acts of intercourse, one act of underwater petting.

Those little things I can overlook.

What I can’t overlook is a Law Student’s inability to last longer than 3 minutes. Or to figure out where on earth a woman’s clitoris is.

What is the problem here? Did these boys learn nothing from sex education? And what about common sense? I mean, come on, who ever thought pushing a girl’s head towards your nether regions was a good form of foreplay?

And, maybe I’m asking too much, but if a guy can take the SAT’s and get into college, shouldn’t he be able to figure out what is/is not an acceptable way to treat a woman’s nipples? I don’t bite your penis, why do you think it’s ok to nosh on my nips?

Apparently I am not the only one feeling this way. I don’t know who this person is, but they provide quite a thorough and honest list of everything men do wrong in the bedroom. Not only is the list complete, but it can be easily printed and handed out to any potential suitor. Score!

We clearly have a long way to go when it comes to teaching men the ways of looooove, but this little blog (written by a guy, no less!) is clearly a step in the right direction. Maybe they are catching on, albeit slowly. Maybe one day we will find men that last long, touch us softly, and make us breakfast in the morning. And maybe, just maybe by the time our daughters start bringing home the men, they won’t have to deal with the horrifying nipple pains that plagued their mothers so many years before.