Lesson #46 – Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over A One-Night Stand

There’s nothing sexy about waking up next to a guy you hardly know, wrapped in bed sheets from Target’s dorm line, with a pounding headache from last night’s alcohol and bad choices. If the walk of shame isn’t embarrassing enough, college girl code endorses instant roommate interrogation upon arrival of your place.

Whether it’s a guy you know, or a total stranger in True Religion jeans, the awkwardness of the morning after a one-night does not discriminate. Do yourself a favor and get out of there fast. However, while you attempt your hasty escape, make it a point to keep your cool, i.e.: don’t frantically tear through his room to find your keys (or underwear).

When you finally get yourself out of there, be responsible and consider any health precautions you may need to take. Hopefully you used protection, but if you have even a shred of doubt, hightail it to the pharmacy for an emergency contraceptive and call your doctor’s office to schedule an STD screening. A one-night stand can come back to haunt you in the form of an unplanned pregnancy or unwanted infection, if you aren’t proactive from the get-go, making it harder to get move on from. If you’re afraid of running into someone you know, pick a pharmacy or doctor far from campus, but also keep in mind — embarrassment is a small price to pay for your body’s well-being.

Because there’s no right way to date, one-night stands are highly subjective subject matter. Some girls feel that one-night stands are an expression of their sexual freedom or a really great way to spend a Friday night, while others feel that it devalues sexuality. However you feel about it, there are lessons to be learned from each one-night stand story.

If you’re feeling pangs of regret and shame, it’s important not to consume yourself with those feelings. People make mistakes, especially when it comes to sex and dating. One night will not completely tarnish the morals you’ve stuck to your whole life, and it is not reason enough to punish yourself. Take note from the girls who write one-night stands off as an experience, and chalk it up as a lesson learned and allow yourself to move on. In the time you spend punishing yourself for one bad choice, you’ll miss all of the amazing opportunities that come your way.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 45 rules of the Single Girl Society

One night stands are fun…until you wake up next to a stranger who may or may not be Quasimodo’s long long half-brother. The conversation that was so easy to have last night is now going into awkward banter territory and you’re trying to figure out the coolest way to ask him if he wore a condom last night. Oh also, you have no idea where your clothes are located.

Think you’re the only one who deals with this? Think again and watch this video. Seriously watch it. I laughed outloud.

Who didn’t grow up with Shel Silverstien poems? Most of us read him at bedtime (and by read him, I mean our mom or dad did) and even talked about him in our english classes. Although Silverstien passed away in 1999, his family is releasing a posthumous collection titled “Every Thing On It”. With the late great Shel in mind I have written you all a college/one-night-stand inspired poem to get you in the spirit. You’re welcome.

Where’s my cell phone? Where’s my keys?

Where’s my shirt? Was that guy a sleaze?

What’s this room? What was his name?

Oh yes, he’s that frat guy from Notre Dame.

Will he call me? Does he care?

Is he cuddling a teddy bear?

I have get back to my dorm,

Getting out of here has become my art form.

Was the sex pretty lame?

Who knows, who cares! It’s time for the walk of shame.

“I don’t know if we should talk about this…”

“And why not? Everybody has sex!”

“Yeah, but everybody should be making love.”

“Come on, how many guys do you know making love?”

–Salt N Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”

In the past six months, I’ve had sex. I’ve been laid. I f*cked. However, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love, and I kind of miss it. Some people might argue that there’s no difference – physically, they are the same. But emotionally, passionately, and mentally, the two deeds are very different.

1. The First Time.

The first time you make love with your partner, it’s usually a very special moment. It’s often planned out in advance, especially in new relationships. There’s often sensual foreplay, and your bodies fit together perfectly.

If it’s your first time with a new partner and you’re just having sex, it may be spontaneous. Your partner may not be your boyfriend, or even your crush, and the decision to go all the way is frequently a hormonal (thanks, booze!) impulse. First time sex can be sloppy and awkward as you try to find the right position, and after everything’s said and done, it feels like there was something missing.

2. Your BAC.

I’ve heard of drunken sex, but I’ve never heard of inebriated love-making. If anyone has experienced the urban legend of wasted love-making, I’d love to hear about it.

3. The Setting.

If you’re about to copulate in a dim room filled with candles, on a bed covered with rose petals, you’re probably going to make love. If you’re going to do it in the backseat of a car, an airplane bathroom, an elevator, or another compact space that may have legal repercussions attached, it’s sex.

Al fresco sex/love-making is a grey area. Sure, sex on the beach or in the woods may sound like a fairy tale scenario, but dirt in sand in uncomfortable places can ruin the romance.

4. The Soundtrack.

Lovemaking songs include “The Fear You Won’t Fall” by Joshua Radin or “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones (or any cover version, including Mazzy Star, Jewel, or the Sundays). F*cking songs range from “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry to “Every Girl” by Lil’ Wayne. Do you really want to ride someone when the words “You f— so good I’m on top of it” blare from the stereo? Likewise, “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih is a bit tacky.

Sure, there isn’t always music playing when you’re doing it, but if you could have picked a song to illustrate last night’s mood, which would you pick?

5. The Aftermath.

Lovemaking includes mutual orgasms, followed by spooning and cuddling. If you’re in a relationship, your boyfriend’s post-sex behavior could include promptly rolling over and falling asleep, or the phrase “That was great,” despite the fact that you didn’t get off. If you’re single, you’ll take the walk of shame after a long night of sex. In those rare occasions that you’ve made love to someone without commitment, it could turn into breakfast in the morning, a few more rounds, and maybe even a new relationship.

In my opinion (and experience), it’s far more common to have sex than to make love. However, this means that when you do find yourself both emotionally and physically stimulated with a partner you care for very deeply, you appreciate the art of lovemaking so much more than that one-night stand a few months ago with whatshisname.

Any other differences between “sex” and “making love”? Share your thoughts below!

[This story was originally posted by Kathryn S.]

And of course, there are plenty more old faves where this came from.

What’s a political campaign without sex? A McCain campaign ad once accused Obama of trying to pass a bill incorporating sex ed into kindergarten classrooms. Of course, Obama doesn’t even need to utter the “s” word when McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, has the poster family for the need for sex education.

Maybe Palin’s daughter should’ve been given a sex ed lecture in kindergarten. Maybe, in the wake of the Gloucester school girls and celebrity teen momdom, we should consider revamping our sex ed policies, rather than letting Ellen Paige serve as an instructor when Juno comes out on DVD. I took sex ed. And now, I have sex. Sometimes quite freely.

There’s still a lot that I don’t know, and some stuff I know now that I wish I’d learned in sixth grade sex ed class:

-Sex is NOT synonymous with love. It can be, but it isn’t always. Sex is synonymous with physical attraction, hormones, and judgment (note that I didn’t specify “good” or “bad” judgment).

-Sex changes everything. It can burn bridges, create awkward situations, and ruin friendships. However, it can also take a relationship to the next level, or allow you to see your partner in a completely different light. It can be good, it can be bad, but either way, once you’ve crossed that line… there’s no going back.

-Sex can be fun. Why don’t they talk about Kama Sutra, tantra, sex toys, or kinky fantasies in sex ed? It’s all “have sex and get pregnant,” or “have sex and get herpes” talk. But if you’re safe and consenting, sex can turn into an amusement park with all of the different rides it has to offer.

-Sex doesn’t always work. There’s sloppy sex. There’s the sex that just isn’t going to end in mutual orgasms. There’s sex that you thought you wanted to have, until it happens. Shake it off — we can’t all be stars in a Brad Pitt love scene.

-Sex can be good for your health. The endorphins released when a female orgasms acts as a powerful painkiller*. Cramping from killer PMS? Mild exercise (like sex) can help ease the pain as well.

-Sexually active does NOT mean slutty (or stupid!). Did you know that women with college degrees are more likely to enjoy giving and receiving oral sex than high school drop outs*? How about that women with PhD’s are twice as likely to seek a one-night-stand than those who stopped at the Bachelors*?

I still feel like I’m coming up short here, ladies. All of our sex ed regimes were different– what did your teachers neglect to inform you during 5th period Health Class?

*Facts courtesy of The Sex E-Zine. Learn all you wanted to know (and a lot you didn’t want to know) about knocking boots here!

[This story was originally posted by Kathryn S.]

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Prep your purse
Besides your phone, camera, keys, and wallet, there are a few other things you may want to pack in your clutch. Like condoms. Under no circumstances is this trashy or tacky. It is a completely responsible and admirable thing to do. Other people, especially strangers, may not have any regard for your health, but you definitely should. To avoid that grungy morning-after feeling, throw in a mini tube of deodorant, some breath stripes and a pack of wipes.

Get a second opinion
Obviously, your sex life is ultimately your own business, but it might be a good idea to have someone else confirm your prospect’s attractiveness (those vodka soda goggles fall off at the most inopportune times), and gauging level of availability (maybe your best friend sees that guy every day…canoodling with the same person in the student union). At the very least, make sure someone else knows where you’re going, not only for safety concerns but also for the sake of your friends not frantically having to search for you at last call when you peaced out an hour before.

Open yourself up
I would never deny the importance of boundaries. Having them is incredibly empowering and strengthens your sense of security and control, and engaging in a one night stand does not invalidate your right to set boundaries at all. At the same time though, one of the great things about a one night stand is the freedom to do things you wouldn’t normally do. So go for it. Practice your dirty talk, try a new position, let go of some of your inhibitions. One night stands are about pure, unadulterated, stringless pleasure, so make the most of it.

Don’t beat yourself up afterward
One of the things I struggled with when I was engaging in casual hookups was an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. I would wonder why these guys didn’t like me and I would question my self-worth because I internalized some of the insanity our slut shamey culture propagates on a regular basis. I felt like I was leaving pieces of myself with guys I’d never talk to again and I didn’t feel comfortable with that at all.

I eventually came to the conclusion that one night stands aren’t personally my cup of tea, and maybe you’re the same way. Regardless, I learned a lot about myself that I might not have learned had I not hooked up with those randoms, so I ultimately don’t regret anything I did. And as for that feeling of “incompleteness,” I realized that I was attaching too many expectations to these particular sexual experiences. There are times when sex should be laden with emotions and significance…and one night stands are not it. They’re bursts of superficial pleasure, and that’s fine. Sometimes you want a gourmet meal and sometimes you want McDonalds, but when you start assigning gourmet ideals to a Big Mac, that’s when your feelings get hurt.

Having casual sex is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice and there’s no reason to be ashamed, so I fully support taking as many steps as you can to ensure it is as enjoyable as it can be. The walk of shame, however; well, you’re on your own for that one.

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Rebound sex is like cilantro: either you love it or think it tastes like feet you absolutely despise it. But unlike the most polarizing garnish on the planet, rebound sex comes with baggage and emotions. And then more emotions. Even if that’s not what you planned.

Look, I totally understand why people have a little rebound action. I even did it myself once. After breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I felt miserable. I still loved him, but we were long distance and I just wasn’t happy. So I ended things. And then the emotions set in. I wasn’t eating or sleeping or even getting out of bed to brush my teeth. I was lonely, I felt guilty, I smelled like a homeless person, and I convinced myself that I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I needed to do something to get out of my funk…

So I did someone.

And it was awesome. After two years with the same person, it was exciting to feel wanted by someone new. It was a total thrill to have a casual fling; to be just like all my other single girl friends. And, let’s be honest, it’s hard to be all depressed and down on yourself when you’ve got someone nibbling on your neck. I walked home the next morning feeling confident and happy (even if I looked like a disheveled cliche. I’d always wanted to look like that cliche!)

But that feeling didn’t last very long. In fact, it wore off as quickly as it (or he) came.

Once I was back in my room, the same room I had spent so many wonderful weekends with my ex boyfriend, reality came flooding back. While the hook-up was awesome in the moment, once the moment was over all I could think about was how different things were with my boyfriend. How he knew just what I liked, how he’d play with my hair in bed, how we’d snuggle up all morning and into the afternoon when we’d order in pizza and just lay there watching TV.

The rebound sex was thrilling while it was happening, but it wasn’t some miracle cure. And that’s why it’s so hard for me to understand why people, especially guys, do it. What? So you feel better for the hour or so that you’re getting it in? Then what? It doesn’t make the pain go away. Or the loneliness. It doesn’t make the break up any easier. It’s momentary relief, if that, followed by a painful crash as you realize that it’s not at all what you really wanted.

Which is to not be broken up.
To be having that intimate moment with someone you actually care about.

At the end of the day, the only thing that will get you through a break up is time. And that sucks, especially when time seems to move so much slower when you’re constantly awake, contemplating what went wrong. Sure, that short burst of fun and hormones and toe-tingly feelings (that is, if you find someone who can provide that) can be exciting, but it’s not going to change anything.

In fact, if you’re like my BFF who broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years and then cried in the bed of her rebound the moment he took off his pants, it can really make everything so much worse.

That’s my take, at least. What do you think?

Let’s see what guys think at CoedMagazine.

The random hook up. Probably the only thing more common at a college party than drunk people screaming to Journey. That’s why people are there, isn’t it? That’s why we girls spend hours picking out outfits that are sexy without being too slutty, and risking third degree burns with a flat iron.

We want guys to want us. And we want them to want us now.

I’m a big fan of the random hook up. Obviously, I’d prefer a more constant booty call in my life (read: a boyfriend), but there’s nothing wrong with sharing the milk while I wait for someone to buy the cow. I love the challenge of seeking out what I want (the guy in the worn-in baseball cap) and getting it (in my bed). And quite honestly, sometimes a girl’s got needs, ya know? Sometimes I just need a little pleasure in my life that doesn’t come from the fro yo machine and unlimited sprinkles in the caf. And by “sometimes” I obviously mean “when I’m drinking.”

That being said, I’m not gonna go home with just anybody. I have standards, thank you very much. And just because those standards get a little lower when I’m wearing the beer goggles (which I don’t realize until after the fact, of course; I always think the guy is sexy until I wake up in the morning) doesn’t mean I’m going to do the horizontal mambo with anything that happens to have man parts.

When it comes to hooking up, I like to like the person I’ll be spending the evening with. I know it seems weird, being that we’re only gonna be humping for a few minutes (most likely) and then passing out, but there’s gotta be attraction there. He’s gotta make me laugh as we stand by the keg waiting to fill our Solo cups. He’s gotta have a sexy smile that gives me butterflies. He’s got to be holding a drink that isn’t girlier than mine. He’s gotta do or be something that makes me want to go home with him in the first place. It doesn’t matter how determined I am to hook up, if the guy isn’t offering more than a semi-working penis (thank you, Four Loko), I’m not gonna get with him just because he’s there and/or grinding his boner into my back.

If I just wanted to get off, well, I could do that myself… and not have to do the walk of shame in the morning.

For me, the hookup is about more than just the orgasm. (Probably because hooking up with a drunk college guy rarely guarantees that.) It’s about the excitement of it all, the fun. What’s fun and exciting about hooking up with just anybody? Who can get all hot and bothered for a guy they’re not attracted to in any way, shape or level of intoxication? And who wants to wake up in the morning and have to explain to her roommates why the bald guy with the gold tooth just walked through the living room?

I’m a lady. A respectable lady. A catch. I’m not going to give just any random creature access to this [sweeps hands over body]. What do I look like, a public drinking fountain?

But that doesn’t seem to be the case for the dudes of the world. Check out what they have to say on the subject at CoedMagazine.com.

One of the easiest ways to send me into a rage blackout is to start slut shaming anyone.

Our society has incredibly dysfunctional, scary, and repressive ways of approaching sexuality, especially female sexuality. If we dare to step outside those narrowly defined boundaries, society finds it completely acceptable to hurl words like “slut” and “whore” at us. We’re called sluts for endless reasons: our hair is too big, our nails are too red, we wear too much glitter, our skirts are too short, we look like we may enjoy giving blow jobs, we dance too suggestively, our sense is humor is too raunchy, we like casual sex, we talk about sex, we’re not ashamed of our breasts and vaginas…the list could go on for ever. We all know a lot of men who hate women, and will find any excuse to brand women as sluts.

But there are far too many women who openly buy into those standards and hyper-judge other women.

The other day, I read a CC article giving advice on how to be sexy and not whorey. This attitude merely perpetuates the idea that women can’t openly enjoy sex. Indicating you enjoy sex doesn’t mean you want to have sex with everyone, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re reckless and riddled with sexually transmitted diseases. (Sidebar: 80 percent of sexually active adults will contract at least one STD in their lifetime, so maybe we should stop stigmatizing them). And maybe women wear high heels because they make our legs look long and give us an extra boost of fierce confidence, not because we’re walking street corners hoping to lure some sucker into paying $50 for a BJ. And perhaps we wear cropped shirts because our stomachs may never be this flat and toned again, so why not relish it and show it off?

And if we meet a new love interest and we’re interested in dating/sexytimes, why wouldn’t we want to tell him (or her) the deal and get the ball rolling? Personally, I hate subtlety when it comes to courtship. I don’t enjoy wasting my time trying to decipher signals. If I were talking to a guy who was being all coy and cagey and mentioned that he was hanging out with other girls and started negging me, just so I wouldn’t think that he wasn’t that interested in me? I’d strut off in my stilettos to find a guy who is not afraid to tell me he likes me, and I would definitely extend the same courtesy. Life is way too short to play silly mind games, especially if you’re only playing them for fear of being labeled a slut.

In my dream world, loaded terms like “slut” and “whore” would be completely eradicated from our vocabularies. They only exist to stifle brazen female expressions of sexuality (it’s telling that there are no equivalent words in the English language to describe male behavior). Society has been trying to silence and suppress women for ages, and there is no reason for women to continue to perpetuate this cycle. It’s time that we all embrace the fact that some women are loud, unashamed, and don’t give a f*ck. Teases and sluts and prudes and everyone in-between should all be able to co-exist free from the catty remarks of other women. Let’s leave the misogyny to the crappy, clueless, insensitive guys out there.

One of the most awkward moments in a college student’s life is the reunion; you know, the run-in/re-introduction/avoidance that can only come following a random hook up. It is one of the many moments in college that we try to avoid, this one being up there with “hangover for an exam” and “beer poop in the library.”

Unfortunately, it is a moment we all must embrace and take in stride if we ever want to move on…or do it again.

So, how does one handle the reunion? Is there a way to make this interaction awkward free, or are we doomed to spend the rest of our college days hiding in corners and avoiding any place that may hold people of the opposite sex? I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can speak from experience in telling you what you should not do under any circumstances, no matter how good of an idea you think it is at the time.

1. Re-introduce yourself: I met a guy at my friend’s party. We “hung out” at the party for a bit, but then returned to our respective homes where the beer wore off and I got a good sober look at the male I was hangin’ with. And I left. The following week I was at the bar with my friend when we spotted this anonymous male getting a drink across the way. My friend decided it would be a good idea to make things fun (for everyone but me) and invite my party-pal over.

“You remember Lauren, don’t you?” My friend asked.

“Hi, Lauren. I’m Joe.”

Um. I know exactly who you are, JOE. And you know me, too. Don’t remember me? Maybe if I close my eyes, lean in real close and stick my tongue in your mouth. Would that jog your memory? Ugh. I was livid. How could he sit there and pretend not to know me?! Let me just say that it took a lot of convincing (read: beer) to get me to agree to go home with him at the end of the night.

2. Pick up where you left off: This is unacceptable even if your reunion location is the same as your first encounter. Just because the scene was similar the last time you two were together (a bunch of drunk people in a small and sweaty room…kinky!), it does not make it OK to assume that things will begin just where they ended. A handshake is acceptable, an ear nibble and neck kiss is not. “It’s nice to see you,” is ok. “You make me moist…down there,” is not.

3. Run Away: I’ve seen it a million times. A guy attempts the approach and the girl runs. There is nothing wrong with a little avoidance; just try and make it a little less obvious. Running intoxicated in a pair of stilettos is never easy nor sly. If you want to avoid the impending awkwardness, back away slowly and strike up a deep and interesting conversation with the nearest stranger. Hooked up with him, too? Now it’s OK to run.

Any other interaction post one-night stand should be all right. I am not promising a lack of awkwardness, it’s difficult to avoid once you have seen someone naked, but at least it won’t cause trauma to either party. If, however, you are a victim of one of the above situations, grab a beer and begin the hunt for a better suitor this time around.

[This story was originally posted by Lauren - University of Michigan]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.