[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

Here’s the deal: I’ve got this guy that I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. We see each other at parties and are kind of always on the outsides of circles that cross paths, you know? Cut to a couple of months ago after this party where we both had a bit too much to drink– we hooked up. And it was AMAZING. Best sex ever. Since then we’ve been spending a lot of time together, but the thing is that neither of us wants a serious thing right now. We’re only 21, you know? We want to keep our options open, but we don’t want to lose what we’ve got either. So I’ve heard about people having “open” relationships, but I don’t hear about a lot of them that ever end up well. So I guess my question is: what are the rules to an open relationship? Are they different for every open relationship? How do you hash those out?

Thanks, Dude.

Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo

Dear Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo,

Totally get where you’re coming from, and yes, there are a lot of pitfalls to an open relationship. Some figure they’re doomed to be temporary just based on the nature of them, and I’m not entirely certain those critics are wrong. Of course, I’m not really sure they’re right, either. It all depends, like every relationship, on how you two grow with each other rather than away from each other.

I do think that EVERY relationship is like…well, a snowflake. No two are the same. No two have the exact same dynamics or a pair of partners with the exact same needs. There’s no recipe for a long-lasting relationship, open, poly, closed, monogamous, whatever! There’s only what you two decide is best for you two. This, of course, doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion or two, maybe even a couple of pointers, or some mild suggestions…

First off: How much do you want to know about the other people you’re being…open…with? There are pros for full disclosure and pros against full disclosure. Some think if you’re hiding someone, then it’s serious. Some don’t want to know, because it ignites a jealous streak. Is it a case of TMI or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Second issue: Priority status. You’ve got go the extra effort to let each other know that “you are my number 1 guy!” (It’s funnier if you imagine Jack Nicholson saying it while groping at Bob the Goon’s pleather jacket).

You have to be totally upfront and honest with each other about what you want, what you need, and vice versa. You can’t shy away from tough conversations, and you can’t leave questions unanswered. What goes unsaid is probably going to be the toughest challenge, because you know what’s being left unmentioned has a name and a vagina.

Talk it out, be clear about what you both want and don’t want, and then play it by ear. And as your needs change, you need to tell him. As separate as you want things to be at times, you need to make sure the times you are together are the most intimate times.

Opening Up Possibilities,

The Dude

Hi Dude!

Well here’s the deal: my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year or so. Now we’re graduating from high school and (finally!) going to college and he is going to study abroad. Since he was a virgin when we first met (yes, I popped his cherry) I think this could be a really great chance for him to have new experiences… sexy ones. I’ve always been (kind of) popular with guys so I have a lot more experience than him and so we have had some issues with his self-esteem and such.

So … how do I ask him to… you know … “explore” some new possibilities without causing a misunderstanding? I don’t want to break up with him and I really wouldn’t mind if he were to hook up another girl. Actually, I think it would help him feel less curious about how it feels to sleep with someone else. It is not as if I would let him cheat on me every time he feels like it, but (!) I think having an affair would probably help his self-steem.

Thanks for your help!
— Probably Crazy

Dear Probably crazy,
You’re probably one of the most generous girlfriends I’ve ever heard of. I mean, encouraging him to sleep with another woman to help his self-esteem? Wow…that’s so selfless. And dangerous as F*CK!

Let me see if I understand you: You want him to go abroad and sleep with other women, but you want the right to dictate he stop when you think he’s had enough new experiences. That’s, that’s what I’m getting here. Okay. So, here’s just one of several questions that comes to mind: do you get the same leeway? Oh, and then would he have the right to tell you when you shouldn’t cheat?

I’m not saying he doesn’t have an inferiority complex when it comes to between the sheets festivities but what you’re proposing isn’t just for him, it’s for you, and it’s not about creating intimacy but sidestepping it.

Maybe I’m wrong. I admit the possibility. I’m sure his inexperience and insecurity is ruining your mood. I’m sure it’s something you want him to get over. But encouraging him to chase the ball then thinking you can just yank his leash back after he grabs it and wants to play some more is ludicrous. Unless he’s some kind of sex slave. Or has an “off” button. Which would be handy for many relationships.

If you want to open things up and let him have the option of the other 30 flavors then you’ve got to accept the risks. Relationships aren’t a dictatorship (at least not healthy ones). It’s a partnership. If you want to change the terms then he’s got to have a say in the negotiations. And make no mistake, telling him that he should sleep with someone else so that he can be a better partner for you doesn’t sound reassuring or loving, no matter how much whip cream you put on top of it.

I pride myself on being a people pleaser but I can’t give you the permission I think you’d like me to. I’m not saying that polyamorous relationships can’t work, but ones that don’t start that way have a lesser chance for long-term success.

I’d really reconsider what you want out of this relationship or how much you really want it. It sounds to me like you’re trying to give him a chance to convince you to stay in it. Probably crazy, don’t treat him or yourself as possibly stupid. Tell him what you’re not satisfied with and tell him what you need: a break.

Cutting through the sh*t,
The Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Can we handle an open relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been talking about an open relationship. The distance between us (Boston to LA) is starting to get really hard and our relationship is suffering because of it. But we love each other and neither of us is ready to give up. We’ve tried everything to make this work and now we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with any suitable alternative to our current situation.

Since I decided against dropping out of school to become a porn star in LA (sorry to all my male readers), it looks like our best option at this point is an open relationship. We’d get what we needed when we were apart (attention, orgasms…) but still have each other when we were finally back together. Theoretically, I’ve never really believed that monogamy is human nature, or that being with multiple people means caring less about each one of them. So in an ideal world, an open relationship would eliminate our loneliness without affecting our love for each other.

Sounds pretty perfect. If only I were totally convinced that’s how things would actually play out in the real world…

Let’s break this down.

Ideal World: We remain completely in love, and anyone else is just a casual fling.
Real World: He meets a new girl and wants to pursue a relationship.

Ideal World: We are able to have casual sex with other people without any repercussions to our relationship.
Real World: One of us can’t handle the jealousy and it’s too late (and we’re too far away) to fix it.

Ideal World: There are no STDs!
Real World: He picks up gonorrhea from one of his ladies and gives it to me the next time we’re together.

Ideal World: Our families don’t find out, or are incredibly open-minded and support our decision.
Real World: His mom will forever think of me as “that ho who was sleeping around on her son.”

Ideal World: I meet tons of boys, but he’s too busy with work to meet any girls.
Real World: He’s on dates every Friday night while I’m at home making love to Ben and Jerry.

I’m stuck.
What do you guys think?  Ever been in an open relationship? Did it work?

Share your stories below. Please. I need them.

It’s back-to-school time, and I’ve been spending some time lately thinking about what college means for our sex lives. College is our time to explore anything that interests us to find out what we really like and what type of people we want to become. We explore different majors, career paths, friendships, relationships, and sexualities. College is the first time in our lives most of us can really embrace our sexuality, explore it, and figure out how to truly enjoy it.

I go to a women’s college, so my first year was filled with questions from friends back home asking if I’d become a lesbian. My answer: so what if I had? And why did they care?

Despite the freedom we gain in college from adults, we are still constrained by our peers’ expectations of us, which can make it difficult to remain true to ourselves and create a healthy personal (and sexual) identity.

Here are some tips I hope you girls (and guys) can keep in mind while exploring sex in college.

It’s OK to be a virgin.
This had to come first because I think a lot of students are under the impression that there aren’t any virgins left in college, or that it’s weird to be a virgin in college. It’s completely normal to be a virgin in college and you should never feel pressured to “lose it” just to fit in.

There are more than three sexualities.
Most people think of sexuality in three categories: gay, straight, or bi. Most people, however, don’t fit neatly into these three categories. I prefer to see sexuality as a spectrum, ranging from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual, with the majority of people falling somewhere in between. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, or even if you don’t know where you fall on the spectrum, you are NORMAL. Don’t ever change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations of you.

Casual sex can be HARD.
Casual sex may seem like the norm in college, but don’t let that trick you into thinking it’s an easy solution to your sexual frustrations. Casual sex can be great if you’re horny and not looking for any type of attachment, but it can also result in a lot of painful feelings if one person cares more than the other. Make sure you know what you’re getting into before you have sex with anyone, be aware that you might get hurt, and USE PROTECTION no matter what.

Monogamy isn’t a golden standard.
Our society tends to regard monogamy as the natural result of romantic relationships, and this isn’t necessarily true. Some people are happy in monogamous relationships, some aren’t. Many college students explore open relationships or multiple relationships. Find out what type of relationship makes you happiest and pursue it.

We heard him say…he’s the voice of our generation?

New ladies are taking the reigns tonight on SNL.

Mariah wears holiday lingerie on her own.

Lindsay still likes dudes, and wants Sam to be okay with that.

Angelina giving up acting?

So hot right now: zipper booties!l

Will Spencer please STFU?!

Un-effable names for dudes.

I have a good friend, I’ll call her Sandy, who recently decided that open was the best kind of relationship, so all of my advice is the direct result of her actual experiences that have been rehashed to me. My friend’s trial run didn’t turn out so well, she and her boyfriend eventually broke up, but she insists that it wasn’t all bad and that she’d do it again given the opportunity.

Cons

1) Your significant other is f**king someone else

This falls under the category of obvious, and something that can’t be emphasized enough. Someone else is hollowing out your girl, or on the flipside, your boy is balls-deep in a different box. I don’t think there’s really too much more to add here. I personally couldn’t stand the idea, but from what I’ve been told, when both partners are hooking up with different people it’s a lot easier. The trouble for my friend started when she wasn’t getting any from outside sources and her bf was getting a lot.

2) “I’m too tired” takes on an entirely different meaning

Sandy told me that one of the reasons she agreed to the open relationship was because her boy wanted sex a lot more than she did, and she thought that if he could get all he wanted there wouldn’t be as much tension between them. (Oops.) Problems arose when she wanted some sexy time with him and he was “too tired.” She said that had never been a problem in the past. He didn’t use the excuse often, but it happened a few times, and Sandy always knew what it really meant. (Too much poon…)

3) So what really constitutes cheating?

Sandy was never accused of cheating during the open relationship, but one of her boyfriend’s hookups was. The best part is that it happened because Sandy made out with the girl at a party. That’s right, it was some good ol’ fashioned girl on girl action and he was upset about it, but not with his girlfriend, he was pissed that his open relationship companion made out with his girlfriend. I don’t think he saw competing with his gf for girls as a potential problem, that one would have slipped my mind too. Oh what a tangled web they did weave.

Like I said, Sandy doesn’t believe it was all bad. She had a couple of experiences she thought were really positive.

Pros

1) New tricks of the trade

Both Sandy and her boyfriend brought back new things to try in the bedroom from experiences they had with other people. Sandy told me that their sex life had become pretty repetitive and boring while they were monogamous. They’d been together over three years at this point, but branching out helped them bring some variety back to the bedroom. Showing each other new tricks, positions and sensations was her favorite part of the open experience.

2) Living out your voyeur fantasy

Sandy and her bf hooked up mostly with mutual friends, a couple of whom were also in relationships. So on top of trading partners they also tried out hooking up in the same room at the same time. This wasn’t your experience from freshman year when you and your roommate brought back guys and tried to be quiet so nobody knew you were doing it. This was entirely intentional, and meant to be observed. Now, this isn’t for everyone, but according to my friend it was a lot of fun. Watching another couple have sex really did it for her.

3) Maybe you find something better

This isn’t something Sandy told me about; this is my own opinion. As I said before, Sandy and her bf broke up after they started the open relationship, and in the end Sandy’s ex ended up with one of the girls he met during the experience. He found someone he wanted to be with more. I don’t think either started out looking for someone else, but in the end it happened for one of them. If you’re starting an open relationship because you’re unhappy with what you’ve got (even if it’s just a small thing) odds are you’re looking for something, or someone different.

(Image: Tribe.net)

I remember having a drunken bonding moment with a really cool guy in college a few years ago, and he asked for my number. I asked for his screen name instead. I mean, IM-ing someone is so much more casual, and so much less stressful. You don’t have to feel your heart thumping through your chest as the phone rings. Is he going to answer? Is it going to go to voicemail? Is he blocking me? What do I say if he picks up?

With IM, you can see if he’s away or idle, and choose your own adventure from there. You can leave a casual “Just wanted to say I had a great time last night” IM, rather than starting a phone call with the same line and then struggling to make small talk. Likewise, you can make small talk behind the shield of the IM window, where he can’t hear your voice crack, and where you can copy and paste the whole convo to all of your girlfriends and get advice while you try to weed out his intentions.

And then came Facebook. The social network has made quite the mark on the dating scene. There’s the poke, which can be viewed as casual, flirty, or creepy. There’s the “it’s complicated” label for the relationship you’re in (finally- you can be open about having a f*ck buddy without warding off the rest of the male population!); and of course, there’s the wall post, which makes the casual IM seem like the awkward phone call of yesteryear.

I mean, the Facebook Comment is meant to be a quick exchange, with no pressure to make conversation. When you make a phone call, you have to come up with a discussion and keep the ball rolling. When you IM, there’s still the slight chance that he comes un-idle and writes back. With the F/B comment, it’s open and shut. Even if he writes back immediately, you can pretend you didn’t read it, and wait until the drunken-hookup hormones die down before you decide whether you want to pursue a fling or keep it casual.

Even better, the post-date phone call screams “interested.” So there’s not really a way to let someone down gently. You meet, you have a date, you feel a connection. Then you wait three days. If he calls, he wants you; if he doesn’t, you’re done. But Facebook gives people a chance to be “friends” first (and I use the term loosely, since Facebook friends and true camaraderie are entirely different entities). But the “friending” option is beneficial in two crucial ways. One, you don’t owe a Facebook friend anything. You don’t owe him a date, just like he doesn’t owe you an explanation if his last fifteen comments are from blonde supermodels in training. Two, since you don’t owe him a date, you can safely flirt through F/B until you know it’s time to make a move.

Say you meet someone at a party, and your buzz makes you believe you could be compatible. He calls, and you’re pressured to make some sort of plans. Then you have to fake food poisoning and skip out on the check because the beer goggles have flown off with the force of a Kansas tornado. However, if you have access to his Facebook, you can check out his interests, his friends, and, most importantly, his photos. You can also poke and message for an undetermined amount of time, and bide your time until you’re ready to meet up again.

Yeah, Facebook and Myspace have their flaws, which you’ll discover when you’re denied a job because a recruiter saw your kegstand photos during a background check. But they’ve changed the face of relationships. And personally, I think the dating scene has gotten easier. Nobody ever got an STD from a cyber-poke.

[photo from jupiterimages]

“The Dark Knight” is upon us! WHO ELSE IS FREAKING OUT?!

Keeping up with the Kardashians…in jail

Sarah and Jimmy split–the Matt Damon video is just awkward now

It’s not the happy ending most girls grow up dreaming about…

“Hey, um, Papa Hulk…were your girlfriend and I separated at birth?”

I don’t know if Hitch would have prescribed an “open relationship”

The new power jobs are in–”socialite” ain’t one of ‘em, Paris!

Off-topic, but I think Jeff Goldblum is really sexy

Radiohead’s new music video is awesome. ‘Nough said.

18-year-old waitress hooks up with a Rolling Stone–and it’s not even Mick or Keith!

[Photo courtesy of Mollygood.com]