(Hey, readers! We sure had a good year, didn’t we? You all sat through Overheard once a week, every week, and nobody sent me any hate mail or bomb threats or horse heads! I’m impressed, readers, and as my thanks to you, I’ve collected some of my favorite Overheards from 2009. Read on! And don’t forget to share what you’ve heard lately. Leave it in the comments or send it on over!)

(Girls studying math in the library.)

Girl 1: … So you just do your FOIL and multiply out.

Girl 2: I don’t get it! I don’t know how to do math.

Girl 1: You know, first, then outer, then the inner, then last?

Girl 2: Oh! You mean making rainbows!

(Two guys in a liquor shop.)

Guy 1: What are we looking for?

Guy 2: A guy, like, four liters wide. Name is Carlo. If you punch him, he leaks wine everywhere.

(Two guys, finding seats in an auditorium.)

Guy 1: Are we just gonna use our jackets to reserve these seats?

Guy 2: I guess so. We can’t rely on Meghan to mark them with her urine.

(Woman, to her son, in a CVS.)

Mom: Look! Thanksgiving! You’re not scared of Thanksgiving, right?

Kid: Waaaah!

(Woman in a breakfast restaurant.)

Woman: Look! It’s the chronosaur! He’s a time-traveling dinosaur who fixes history’s mysteries!

(Two students in geology lab.)

Guy: Hello, Mr. T-Rex. So, you’re a dinosaur. What’s your favorite color?

Girl: … Blllluuue.

Guy: And what’s your favorite movie?

Girl: Space Jam.

(In a public bathroom)

Parent: Now wash your hands in the sink. Use soap! Now dry them.

Kid: No.

Parent: Use the drier.

Kid: No, no no no!

(Sound of drier.)

Afterward, kid:  I couldn’t even hear my screams.

(Folks in the dining hall.)

Girl: Why do you keep socks in your pocket?

Guy: My mom always yelled at me whenever my socks fell out of my pocket.

(Two guys, talking at library workstations.)

Guy: Me and my girlfriend are gonna be getting crazy this weekend. We got my mom’s van. We are gonna need to censor, like, an entire 48 hours.

(Girl, at a computer.)

Girl: Guys, what’s “galactorrhea”? Is that where you sh*t entire solar systems?

(Guys in the hallway, one with a grocery bag.)

Guy 1: They’re doing a food collection in the lobby.

Guy 2: Oh, cool. Do they take mold?

(A bunch of people sitting around a campfire.)

Girl 1: Marshmallows are kinda gross, when you think about it.

Girl 2: I think it’s a good kind of gross. Like tiny, edible fat people.

(Bookstore employees talking to each other.)

Employee 1: I had this dream… dozens of tiny cows! They were the cutest things, just running around everywhere, getting stepped on, stuck in doors. They were bite-size.

Employee 2: They were Tinybeefs!

(Guy, watching four girls move a table out of an apartment.)

Guy: Hey, uh, can I help you girls with anything?

Girl: Yeah, you can spend nine months carrying unborn humans in your belly for us.

(Two girls in a pizza restaurant.)

Girl 1: Nothing big is cute.

Girl 2: One foot toddler? Cute. One hundred foot toddler? Gross.

Girl 1: Wait, one foot toddler?

(Guy chasing a mosquito around with newspaper. Girl watching.)

Guy 1: Get back here, mosquito. You’re going to mosquito school. At mosquito school, you die.

Girl: He paid a lot of money to go to mosquito school!

(Guys turn around as another enters a party.)

Guy 1: Oh, sh*t, it’s chili schnapps guy. Don’t bring that sh*t here.

Guy 2: What are you talking about? This is peach schnapps.

Guy 1: No foolin’ me, man. That’s straight up chili .

(Girl, gesturing wildly to her friends.)

Girl: It’s Reverse Nursing! You suck babies in through your nipples!

(Girl, walking a dog in the park, meets a guy.)

Guy: Hey, I like your dog.

Girl: Thanks. He’s Arfken, dog wizard.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.)

Guy: You girls don’t need your buns toasted, do you?

Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Girl 2: Heh heh. No.

Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns.

(Girl, on the phone, on a campus thoroughfare.)

Girl: I wish you didn’t have a penis!

(Beat)

Girl: Well, then I wish you would stop jerking off in the shower!

(Girl, talking to other girl, outside classrooms.)

Girl: He’s my boyfriend. So cute!

Girl 2: He’s my boyfriend too. I just wanna eat him up, spit him back out and eat him up again.

(Girl, complaining to other girls about something.)

Girl: Are you kidding me? That bitch! I’m sick of her. That bitch, be like, ‘bitch! Your head’s gone!’

(Guy, girl, shopping in an electronics store.)

Guy: If there were a game I’d have sex with, it’d probably be this one.

Girl: That’s gross.

(Beat)

Girl: I guess I would too, though.

(Guy, before class.)

Guy: You know, I just love it. Ribbons of blood! It’s a beautiful thing.

(Two guys, at party.)

Guy 1: Who wants do a shot with me!

Guy 2: Of what?

Guy 1: Wait, let me read the bottle. It’s … my urine!

(Two guys, talking at a concert.)

Guy 1: I don’t really like Rihanna. I’ve always like Chris Brown better. I guess that’s pretty insensitive to say, though, huh.

Guy 2: I don’t think so. I think it’s only insensitive if he’s sitting in the car behind you.

(Girl, guy, walking around a Barnes and Noble.)

Guy: I don’t get what’s so special about Josh Groban.

Girl: *chuckle*

Guy: I mean, what?

Girl: Ask your parents. They can tell you when you’re older.

(Two guys, shopping for groceries.)

Guy 1: How’s your meat.

Guy 2: Pretty spongey.

(Two girls, talking at a party.)

Girl 1: He was kind of a third wheel, right?

Girl 2: Fifth wheel. Seventh wheel. That wheel that goes flying out of the car wreck on fire after everyone dies.

(Three guys, at the bar.)

Guy 1: You going to the show with us tonight?

Guy 2: Not sure. Dunno.

Guy 1: What, you wanna stay here? And let this loser get you sick?

Guy 3: Oh, he told you about that?

Guy 1: What?

Guy 3: I’m sick. I’m dying.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Woman, to her son, in a CVS.)

Mom: Look! Thanksgiving! You’re not scared of Thanksgiving, right?

Kid: Waaaah!

(Two students in an education class.)

Student 1: One of my girls spelled “pennies” wrong today. I was laughing way too hard to correct her.

Student 2: The funny part will be when she’s working with the national treasury. ‘The most outdated part of our financial system is the penis!’

(Woman in a breakfast restaurant.)

Woman: Look! It’s the chronosaur! He’s a time-traveling dinosaur who fixes history’s mysteries!

(Two girls, talking in a clothing store.)

Girl 1: Nothing about your butt makes sense.

Girl 2: The laws of physics hate my butt.

(Girls meeting up in the morning.)

Girl 1: What’d you do last night?

Girl 2: Not much. Watched a lot of the Batman animated series. Felt a lot of inappropriate things.

(Girl, talking to her boyfriend.)

Girl: I don’t really care about you. I just need to leech out your warmth.

(Guy, talking to a girl at a party.)

Girl: It’s so cold!

Guy: You know, you’re only cold because women don’t actually produce any body heat. It’s true.

Girl: Geez, really? Wow.

Guy: I know. Crazy.

(Guys, early in the morning, at breakfast.)

Guy 1: If I have to get woken up forcefully, at least it’s by someone yelling ‘wanna play Dungeons and Dragons?’

Guy 2: You should be glad I didn’t just poop on your head. I wanted to.

(Guy, stopping people outside an apartment.)

Guy: Wait! You can’t go in here!

Guy 2: What?

Guy: You’re not a resident of Bell Town! Strangers aren’t allowed in ever since the monster attacked!

(Guy, greeting another guy.)

Guy: Hey, man! Happy birthday! I drank all your vodka and passed out.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Two guys, at a bar.)

Guy: I have a really good pickup line.

Guy 2: Yeah?

Guy: It’s kind of specific, though. It only works if on a black female thermophysicist.

(Guy, after watching the “Avatar” trailer.)

Guy: It looks like… ‘Gears of War’ meets ‘Fern Gully.’

(Computer science Professor, in a morning class.)

Prof: But watch! When you treat it as a mergesort, it becomes an “log n” algorithm instead of a “n log n” algorithm! F**k yeah!

(Girl, making a 911 call.)

Girl: Hi. We’re at the newspaper. We think everything’s fine. The building’s probably not burning down.

(During a break in class, girl reading a text aloud)

Girl: Praising God and condemning sex with men!

(Guys, dressing to go out.)

Guy 1: Shit! You can’t wear a tie! Now I’ve got to wear a tie!

Guy 2: And so the fashion arms race begins.

Guy 1: I’m getting my cummerbund.

(Guy, before a class.)

Guy: What I don’t understand is why you don’t just convert people into energy with “E equals MC squared.” It would be so much easier to compute.

(Professor, in class)

Professor: He’s an electrician. He knows about crime.

(Girl, watching “Star Wars”)

Girl: The physics of this makes no sense! There’s no sound in space! Stop! Stop all of this! … God, why do I talk?

(Guy, on the phone with a delivery guy.)

Guy: Okay. Yeah, sure, that’s no problem. All right. Bye. … He had to stop for gas. I told him it was fine. It was the most human moment I’ve ever had with a delivery man.

(Girl, talking to friends.)

Girl: I always imagined that you could just use the Force on your shoes, and fly. But then I guess you’d have to use the Force on all your other clothes, too, or you’d just be getting dragged around the sky by your feet.

(Two girls, eating dinner.)

Girl 1: I got some pumpkin ale. It’s in season!

Girl 2: Oh my god. What?

Girl 1: Pumpkin ale! Like, with nutmeg.

Girl 2: I thought you said ‘toilet ale.’

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Two guys, in an English class.)

Guy 1: Dude, why are you dressed up?

Guy 2: We’re reading “The Crucible.” It’s about a town that gets rid of all its witches. That’s why I have the hat.

(Guy, singing at a party.)

Guy: Ooh, I get Boggle with help from my friends. Mm, gonna Boggle with help from my friends. Do you neee-eeed any Boggle? I want some Boggle to love.

(English professor, thinking out loud.)

Prof: See, I wouldn’t count myself as a human being until, oh, about 15 or 16. And even that was problematic.

(Girl, watching a boffer club practice.)

Girl: I’m afraid that if I went over and talked to them, I’d just fall in love with how stupid and terrible and depressing they all are.

(Girl and guy talking on the street.)

Guy: Ugh, my phone’s dead.

Girl: Did you hook up with someone last night?

(Girl, smoking outside a dorm.)

Girl: Bo ho ho! Bwo ho ho ho! I’m Princess Leia, and I loooove sour cream!

(Two guys, in a newspaper office.)

Guy 1: Hey, did you make some coffee?

Guy 2: Yes. Don’t take any, or you’re fired.

Guy 1: I already had some, actually.

Guy 2: You’re fired. Wait, when did it start raining? That was you. You’re fired again.

(People in a Shakespeare class.)

Prof: What is everyone’s favorite Shakespeare play, anyway?

Student 1:  Romeo and Juliet.

Student 2: I guess… Romeo and Juliet.

Student 3: Romeo and Juliet.

Student 4: I like a lot of them, but I’d have to say Romeo and Juliet is my favorite.

Student 5: Romeo and Juliet – it’s just so unique!

(Linguistics professor, introducing a grammar topic.)

Prof: This is grammar. Grammar is not love. It’s sphincter-like.

(Kid in a class.)

Guy: Professor, I’m sorry I wasn’t in class last week. I was sick with Hulu.

(Two guys, talking outside the Student Union.)

Guy 1: I’m going to D.C. this weekend.

Guy 2: Oh man! Visiting your girlfriend? Dude, invite me. I love your girlfriend.

Guy 1: Uh, okay -

Guy 2: She’s so awesome! Man, why doesn’t she spend more time up here?

Guy 1: Um. Okay.

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Guy, at a dining hall’s table, eating dinner.)

Guy: Isn’t what we call cauliflower just effeminate broccoli?

(Guys in a public library.)

Guy: So I was reading The Babysitter’s Club, and I guess Grandma had a really cool secret. But chapter books are too much for me these days, so I just flipped to the back to find out what it was. Turns out Grandma just had breast cancer.

(Guy, walking on the beach.)

Guy: I’m Tin Pin Bill. See, they used to call me  Crim Pin Bill, but that didn’t really make any sense.

(Girl, two guys in a coffee shop.)

Girl: Yeah, I’m not on birth control.

Guy: You should probably get on that. I hear this year’s freshman class is the most fertile ever. Yup, highest SAT scores and most virile.

(Girl, standing in line in the student union food court.)

Girl: My cousin thinks Minas Tirith is a real place, and he wants to get married there.

(Two girls, talking in the hallway.)

Girl 1: How’s community college?

Girl 2: Oh, it’s okay. It’s  full of enormous a**hole douchebags. Of course, not really. But when I say that I mean yes, really.

(Girl, chatting before a sociology class.)

Girl: It’s fine, you wouldn’t understand. We women communicate via ovum anyway.

(Guy, talking at a party.)

Guy: I can’t wait! In the future, we’ll just reproduce  by bumping into each other!

(Guy, explaining something to his girlfriend.)

Guy: In Europe, they count backwards from infinity to zero.

Girl: No they don’t. That’s stupid.

Guy: Yeah. You got me.

(Girl, reading a book.)

Girl: Oh! Yeah, see, the best part about all this is, you can use your best friends as giant missiles.

(Guy, yelling in a field outside a class building.)

Guy: Hey… hey, you! You! Anyone! Does anyone hate Teletubbies as much as I do?

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(In a calculus class.)

Professor: Does anyone know the answer? *points to guy in class* What about you? And say, do I know you? You look familiar.

Guy: I took this class before. And no, I don’t.

(Two bros, walking in the rain.)

Bro 1: Yo, when I say “no homo,” it means you let me under your umbrella.

(Two girls playing with a Slinky.)

Girl 1: See that? If human fat had bones, that’s how it would look.

(Group of friends, walking across campus.)

Guy: You know what meth heads think about? Meth.

(Girl, in an English class.)

Girl: Wasn’t that, you know… the British lady. Madeline Albright? No. Madeline L’Engle.

Professor: Margaret Thatcher?

Girl: Yeah. That one.

(Two girls, studying in the library.)

Girl (reading): The average tomato, when it gets to your plate, has been touched by over 50 strangers.

Girl 2: Along with over 100 people you know!

(Guy, in a crowded movie theater.)

Guy: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, MANSQUITO!

(Three girls, hanging out in a dorm lobby.)

Girl 1: Mon Mothma, Han doesn’t understand me like you do. I need the guidance of an older woman.

Girl 2: But… Leia, what about Chewie?

Girl 3: Oh my god. Guys, this is nerd porn in the making.

(Two guys, installing audio/visual equipment.)

Guy 1: Yo, man, we need more female to female over here!

Guy 2 (yelling down hall): Sorry! I’m all out of females!

(Girls, getting ready for a party.)

Girl 1: God, dealing with excess body hair is such a pain in the ass. Plucking eyebrows, weird tummy fuzz, shaving legs…

Girl 2: Oh! Speaking of which, let me put on this CD.

Girl 1: “Yeti Mating Calls?”

Girl 2: No, it’s just Shakira.

(Girl and guy, in the back of a class.)

Guy: Ach! Mein paintbrushen! I’ve lost them in the garden!

Girl: Quick! Find Hitler’s paintbrushes and prevent World War 2!

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Girl, raising hand in class.)

Girl: Wait, so … some languages don’t have vowels? That’s IMPOSSIBLE! How are you supposed to pronounce them? Do you have to guess? I can’t believe that! That’s so stupid! *scribbles furiously in notebook*

(Professor, teaching a class.)

Prof: Heaven is hard to describe. I’ve seen plenty of evocative depictions of Hell, but I’ve never seen a truly compelling vision of Heaven.

Student, interrupting: May I suggest one?

Prof: No. I want to talk about something else.

(Two guys, getting into their car.)

Guy: You ever notice that every time we go to make candles, one of us cheats on his girlfriend?

(Girl, complaining as she’s packing up to leave class.)

Girl: I feel like our professor likes giving us problems with gross pieces of meat. Like, one of the answers on the next exam will just be “BALONEY.”

(Girl, drunk, in bathroom stall.)

Girl: Hey. It’s me. I’m drunk and this is weird to do on a voicemail but I just made out with someone at the bar. I want to break up. Call me.

(Two guys, talking over coffee.)

Guy 1: What was Singapore like? How were the Singaporeans?

Guy 2: Kinda cool. They mostly read Waiting for Godot in funny accents.

(Guy, late at night, finds a guy asleep on a picnic table.)

Guy 1: Hey… dude, are you all right? Wake up!

Guy 2: Wha… man, no, I’m studying… yeah…

Guy 1: You’re gonna get eaten by a bear, dude.

(Guy, girl, hunched over a notebook.)

Guy: So… she’s a nurse?

Girl: With a giant bloody f***ing hammer, yes.

(Two girls, standing in line at the dining hall.)

Girl 1: Is Becky doing well?

Girl 2: Yeah, I saw her today. Almost broke my neck.

Girl 1: What?

Girl 2: Whiplash.

(Guy, girl, on couches.)

Guy: Holy s—! The hairy eyeballs have escaped!

Girl: Wait, did you just say that?

Guy: Friday afternoon, you know.

(Girl at a restaurant.)

Girl, to waiter: Can we have some more of these pumpkin things?

Waiter: You mean the burgers?

Girl: Is that it? Yeah, sure.

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Freshman in a dining hall.)

Freshman: College is so cool! It’s, like, the most sophisticated universe in the universe.

(Angry girl, heard through a dorm-room door.)

Girl: F***in’ a! What am I supposed to do? Dogs ate my underwear!

(Two girls, in the business school.)

Girl 1: I love Humphrey Bogart

Girl 2: Yeah, me too. Did you know he got his start in ’80s science fiction B-movies?

Girl 1: Wow, really?

Girl 2: No.

(Girl and guy in an office.)

Girl: Okay, what’s a nice way to welcome the freshman to campus?

Guy: How about “f*** you freshmen, get hit by a bus?”

(Two girls, talking in an Italian restaurant.)

Girl 1: Put out a job offer.

Girl 2: “Can you drink wine? Can you stare at my cleavage? You’re hired! Let’s talk about 401k.”

(Girl, standing in line at the student union.)

Girl: They were cutting a giant sausage at the women’s center today. I didn’t feel right eating it.

(Two guys, finding seats in an auditorium.)

Guy 1: Are we just gonna use our jackets to reserve these seats?

Guy 2: I guess so. We can’t rely on Meghan to mark them with her urine.

(Girls, introducing themselves in class.)

Girl 1: I’m Brenna.

Girl 2: Hi! I’m Margaret, but you can call me Murphy.

Girl 1: Huh. How’d you get that nickname?

Girl 2: When I was born, my dad said it was Murphy’s Law.

(Two guys, through an apartment wall.)

Guy 1: Ahhh! Ahh! Holy f***ing s***!

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: I just exploded a bag of lettuce!

(Girl, reading an ad on a bulletin board.)

Girl: Female roommate needed… Must be clean, some parties okay… Must be comfortable with taxidermy. Huh.

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Guys, walking through a grove on-campus.)

Guy: Nice day… birds, blue skies, not a cloud in sight. Yup. This rock looks pretty good to take a crap on.

(Older student, talking to high schooler on campus tour.)

Student: There’s actually a statistic, I think, something like 30 percent of the liquid of water parks is urine.

High schooler: Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable. That’s about right.

Student: What the f***? No it’s not! That would be disgusting!

(Guy, preparing Mexican food.)

Guy: I love cilantro. It makes everything taste like it’s just been rinsed in a mountain waterfall.

(Old lady, talking to students at the thrift store.)

Lady: That foot locker can be used as both storage and a coffee table!

Student: I’m sorry, but it’s hideous. We’re not buying it.

(Crowd of girls, playing Jeopardy.)

Girl: Wait. Chinese god of war… who was also a god of literature. That must be Gandhi, right?

Girl 2: Yeah, I think so.

(A guy, losing it on the phone.)

Guy: No, no. That’s too late. I need to get tested now.

(Guy, alone on a computer.)

Guy: Hey! You can’t say “boobs” on the Internet!

(Two guys, talking in the Student Union.)

Guy 1: So how was the camping trip?

Guy 2: It was fine. The deer stole all our graham crackers.

Guy 1: The cutest little larcenists!

(Girl, furious.)

Girl: Damnit! I have to Tide-to-Go my boob.

(Middle-aged man on the phone.)

Man: Fir trees are the only type of tree known to give live birth.

(Father and children, talking to a park ranger)

Father: It was like, you know, poop – kinda mushy, but with some green bits in it. Berries, maybe seeds.  Do you think it could have been bear poop?

Child: Dad, please, just show the ranger our permit.