I’ve seen a lot of drunken injuries in my day. Some are funny; some not so much. You really shouldn’t need to wear hard hats or protective armor to a party, so here’s a brief list of some potentially painful injuries, and how to avoid them.

Injury: Cigarette burns.

Avoid them by: Not drunkenly smoking your cigs all the way through the band; not giving someone with a lit cigarette your hand; not putting the wrong side of your lit cigarette into your mouth.

Injury: First, second, or third degree burns.

Avoid them by: Being conscious of where the bonfire pit is at a keg party on a cool autumn night; not attempting to walk through said pit in an effort to reunite with your friends after peeing in the woods.

Injury: Stitches on your scalp.

Avoid them by: Not jumping up and down on your lofted bed and cracking your head open on the ceiling; not falling out of a lofted bed after sloppy, drunken, sex, and cracking your head open on your f*ck buddy’s desk.

Injury: A shiner the color of an eggplant.

Avoid it by: Not chugging straight Bacardi and proceeding to faceplant your nightstand. These actions may or may not also have a negative effect on the nightstand, which may or may not break apart from the impact of your face.

Injury: Swollen, bruised kneecaps.

Avoid them by: Not attempting to do “the worm,” despite your complete lack of dance ability. Especially on concrete surfaces.

Injury: A cut-up upper lip.

Avoid it by: Not drinking from your beer bottle after all of your friends slammed their beer bottles on yours in an attempt to make the beer foam up and overflow; you never know if they chipped the bottle.

Injury: Sore [insert body part here]

Avoid them by: Not trying impossibly tricky, kinky new things while having sloppy, drunken sex. Sloppy, drunken sex can also sometimes lead to accidental penetration in places that no man has gone before.

Injury: Dislocated knee.

Avoid it by: Not dropping it like its hot with your guy friends at the bar when you already have a history of bad knees that dislocate easily.

Injury: A bruised ego and a crippled reputation.

Avoid it by: Knowing your limits and partying wisely. Once you’ve sobered up, all of the above are pretty embarrassing to have to explain to inquiring minds, and you don’t want people to think that you are the victim of domestic violence.

On a serious note, folks, alcohol-related accidents happen all the time on college campuses across the country. The National Household Survey on Drug Abuse and the Harvard College Alcohol survey reported that between 1998-2001, alcohol-related unintentional injury deaths increased about 6% among the college population, and during that period, over 500,000 students were unintentionally injured because of drinking, with over 600,000 students admitting to being hit or assaulted by another drunk student.

It’s all good to look back at last nights’ antics and laugh it off, but when weekend craziness goes too far, it can have extreme consequences. So keep yourself and your friends safe, designate a DD, and if you’re accident prone before you even crack your first beer, it may be in your best interest to invest in some protective gear.

I’m all about the truth – truth in relationships, truth in politics, truth in what a girl is hiding underneath her undergarments. The act of stuffing should be exclusive to Santa Claus and Thanksgiving.

The Wonderbra was designed to make women feel better about their lack of rack by padding around their mini-rounds. How is that any better than me stuffing a sock around m’thing? It’s false advertising for sure; then again I truly feel for women who are only judged on the size of their womanhood.

It’s a Catch-22, this situation.

While I will never be able to crack the code that is the bosom – we must, we must, we must increase/decrease our bust - I do have a word of advice for any woman feeling down on their endowment: f*** it. Men who resemble pot-bellied pigs with receding hairlines have no right taking down to your tiny tits – especially when they have a tiny d*ck.

Confidence (not arrogance) is key for both genders. If wearing a wonderbra makes you feel sexier – and your sassy and confident attitude proves it – go for yours, ladies. I’m an ass-man anyways…

…Did that just contradict everything I said? Oh the hell with it – my point is what’s attractive depends on the person. Flaunt whatever you have and you’ll get supporters. Promise.