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Weekly Ten: I Wish Sarah Palin Was My Mommy

Melanie - Northeastern University — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Letterman and Palin’s tiff over his hilarious and, okay, slightly horrible and sexist comments, had the media’s focus back on our favorite Alaskan governor: Mrs. Sarah Palin. Finally – after a lot of back, forth and all around – the two kissed and made up and all is right with the late night funnyman and ex-candidate for VP, who, shocker, has a sense of humor?

Inspired by the feud and by Letterman’s classic “Top Ten” format, I’ve decided to do a Weekly Ten on whatever the presses and our readers are buzzing about. Late Night, CollegeCandy style. Now even though Palin jokes are so last fall, as a tribute to both Dave and Ms. Palin, I’m going to kick off the “Weekly Ten” with the Top Ten reasons I wish Sarah Palin was my Mommy. Apologies to my own mommy, the cougar version of Barack Girl. Still love you, mom!

10. Never ending shades of lipstick to borrow!
Warning: even with perfect application, these cosmetics may still make you a pig.

9. MILF!
And GILF! Maybe she can give pointers on how to age gracefully. Provided you don’t care about anything other than looking fly in glasses and a red skirt suit.

8. Exotic digs.
I mean, this is just a gimme: she can see Russia from her house.

7. Homegirl can bust a rhyme
Oh wait, that’s Amy Poehler. Another point for cool SNL moms.

6. Never ending supply of skirt suits!
Also a bonus if you want to be a flight attendant. Notice how I didn’t say slutty. Take note, David.

5. You’d get to hang out with the McCains.
Screw the Republican party – try the McCain party. You betcha that family just knows how to party, even if John McCain can’t exactly put his hands in the air and wave them around like he just don’t care anymore.

4. People might mistake her for Tina Fey.
Who’d actually be a cool mom. Plus, maybe a connection to Jimmy Fallon? Yum.

3. She’s an expert on the “bump-it”
Really, she’s only second to Winehouse. Does anyone actually own one of these things?

2. Totally relaxed about birth control methods.
Thanks Bristol, but I’ll be making the boyf squeeze into Trojans.

1. Fresh Moose Stew!
Sure beats meatloaf.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Bristol Palin (Now) Thinks Abstinence is “The Only Way”

CC Staff — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:00:27 +0000

This morning on Good Morning America, hypocrite Bristol Palin discussed her plan to push an “abstinence-only” message on teens. She couldn’t quite explain how abstinence got her where she is today (with, ahem, a child at age 18), but she was very confident that “abstinence is the only way you can effectively, 100%, prevent pregnancy.”

Props to B. Palin for that brilliant realization (and for basically admitting being a mom sucks), but since, as she said herself just weeks ago, “abstinence is unrealistic,” why don’t we figure out a more-um-successful way to stay child-free, while still satisfying our libidos.

Enter: Birth Control!!

Crazy, right? This stuff comes in all sorts of forms: patches, IUDs, condoms, looking at teen mothers trying to care for their kids and realizing how much less fun life would be with a child… Oh, and the pill, which, when taken correctly (not a difficult feat to accomplish if you can swallow a pill), is 99.9% effective. Certainly more effective than preaching abstinence…and then having unprotected sex with your hockey playing boyfriend in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness. And most of the pills now come in pretty packaging! (Yaz has a tidy blue suede case with fun stickers that help you stay on track and turn birth control into a fun craft project).

Of course, we all (should) know that hormonal contraception doesn’t prevent against narsty STDs, so, unless you and your sex-bud have been tested and are exclusively hookin’ up, please use condoms too! I can tell you from looking at some pretty graphic books that Syphilis ain’t pretty. Neither is abandoning your education to raise a child on welfare and food stamps. So instead of shooting moose, go get yourself some nooky. Because, like Ms. Bristol once said, not getting any is just “unrealistic.”

Just remember to pop that very important pill first.

Candy Dish: Uniforms Are In, Along With ‘NSYNC

CC Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:47:52 +0000

Elizabeth Hasselbeck had to eat her McCain/Palin words.

Pretty soon, AT&T will own damn near everything, including your soul.

Military uniforms make great women’s fashion for the fall.

Ever thought Barack, Michelle, Sarah, and John would appear on TV together? Well, South Park got them together in a jewelry heist.

Boy bands are all the rage and ‘NSYNC’s Lance Bass wants in on the action.

Having lots of sex? You may need this.

California has disappointed most, especially Ellen.

Want to sing in the rain? This umbrella has you rockin’.

Sexy Scarlett Johansson to wed? Perhaps!

Decision 2008: Party like a President-Elect

John - UConn — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 19:40:44 +0000

They’re trooping off to the polls in the biting November chill, snug in their Uggs and North Faces zipped to the collars. They’re waking up too early and standing around in long lines for something that isn’t free food. They’re American college students, and they are voting.

Smell that? That’s the smell of freedom. Also, American college students don’t shower much.

Are you with them – or are you against them? Political nihilists beware: the jaded, “The-electoral-college-it’s-a-broken-system-f**k-I’m-moving-to-the-Moon” attitude won’t get you anywhere this year, because cynicism is out and passion is in! If it’s such a big stick up your ass, go vote for Bob Barr or something. If he’s not on the ballot, write-in “John from College Candy.” But please, do go and vote.

And what about this evening? You probably don’t have anything important to do while you watch poll results stream in, and “Nation’s First Black President” or “Nation’s First Woman Vice President” are both perfectly acceptable reasons to skip all your classes tomorrow. This means you should drink!

2008 United States Presidential Election Drinking Game

(As always, replace “chug” with “shot” if that’s how you roll.)

- Drink after you vote – you’ve earned it! (Not before, please.)

- Prepare red and blue drinks (Red – Sex on the Beach and… blue? I don’t know, straight Blue Curacao?) and drink from one or the other whenever a state gets called for the respective party.

- Chug every time a “swing state” (Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Colorado, Georgia) turns into a blowout for one side or the other.

- Drink every time Obama looks sassy and classy at his Chicago gala. Chug if he repeats his dance performance from his appearance on Ellen DeGeneres.

- Drink every time McCain gives anyone a thumbs-up or winks; chug if both.

- Drink any time anyone on the T.V. says “Joe;” chug if Sarah Palin says it.

- Drink whenever Tina Fey pops onto the TV, not including “30 Rock” commercials.

- Drink every time McCain styles himself an “underdog.”

- Drink every time Obama uses spiritual, religious or otherwise goofy metaphor to describe himself, his campaign or his supporters (“a mighty wind is at our backs,” for example).

- Drink every time a McCain supporter walks into the room (You’re on a college campus, they’re rare creatures)

- If you are a McCain supporter, chug whenever you get depressed about the election, which probably means “whenever results come in.” It’s going to be a long night for you, I’m afraid. You’ll probably want to forget the pain.

- If you’re an Obama supporter, meanwhile, drink and high-five someone every time you feel “pumped.”

- If you didn’t vote today, your punishment is drinking malt liquor alone in your room, a**hole.

- Drink every time a report of voter suppression rolls in. Ideally, you’re also drunk enough to stand up and start an angry chant about your god-damn f**king rights.

- Drink every time one of the candidates’ attack lawyers gets ready to sue.

- Drink every time a saccharine T.V. reporter gushes about the enormous passion of youth voters this year.

- Drink whenever someone cites the “Bradley effect” – or racism in general, for that matter.

- Drink every time you can give everyone a smarmy grin and say “Oh, yeah, I read about this on the Internet.”

- Finally, chug when we elect a new President of the United States of America! It’s history in the making – who wants to remember something like that?

Candy Dish: T.I. Was an Early Bloomer

CC Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 21:40:29 +0000

Um. T.I. lost his V-Card at 11?!

Obama and Palin bring sexy back.

Anne Hathaway looks mighty sexy in Vogue.

Madonna prefers the gym to sex.

Was Taylor Momsen in the hospital?

Shop vintage!

Gwen Stefani: fashion icon, but not when it comes to Halloween.

The best beauty bargains!

Paris for President: the music video.

Free tacos at Taco Bell? Sweet!

Candy Dish: The $5 Million Bra

CC Staff — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:40:34 +0000

Don’t leave this bra at your boy’s house.

Nipple Covers: Every girl needs em.

Johnny Depp is kinda weird…

Brad Pitt. OMG. So. effing. hot.

The perfect going-out-look for a crisp night.

Did Family Guy go too far?

So, The Hills is fake. I mean, we knew it, but we didn’t want to know it

Seriously – does Tara Reid work?

Ellen and Portia might be the cutest couple ever.

Oooo. A JoBro was spotted doin’ a little smoochy, smoochy.

Is Will Arnett getting another show!?

How many calories are you burning during sex? Find out!

Bigotry is Alive and Well at Palin/McCain Rally

CC Staff — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:41:05 +0000


After watching this video, we will try not hold McCain accountable for his superbly ignorant supporters, but it gets harder every day.
Apparently, bigotry knows no bounds when it comes to bad humor; some dude decided to bring a stuffed monkey with a Obama headband -- “Little Hussain” --  to a Palin/McCain rally.  He's just as happy as could be to introduce the world to his disgusting piece of propaganda, and belts out a laugh that sorta reminds me of the devil.
Maybe I'm confused, I thought it was 2008, not 1968.  This guy is an old adult, he should be setting a example, for Christ’s sake! Instead he's spreading pure hatred with a smile (and then awkwardly taking the toy apart like the coward he surely is).
Simply stupid.



Join Me in Rocking the Vote for the First Time
ccandyblairh — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:10:47 +0000
It’s been a while since a turned 18 and became legal, but I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I have never cast a vote — not for a local, state, or national election.  My first opportunity to vote was the midterm elections in 2006, and I just wasn’t informed enough about the House and Senate to make a smart decision.  So I didn’t.
The other thing that paralyzed me, and that made me think it wouldn’t matter if I voted even in the presidential election, was the electoral college.  I’m from good old Massachusetts — you know, the first state to legalize gay marriage, the so-blue-we-don’t-even- see-the-color-red state, the most liberal state in the union. There is never a contest about who wins our state’s votes. In fact, the politicians don’t even try; in the last election, I didn’t see a single presidential campaign ad.
So why bother voting?  My vote amounts to a spit in the wind, and as long as we’re not talking about national popular vote as an option, things are going to stay that way.  Still, though, I felt a renewed urge to cast my vote this year, because more than ever it seems like a year when a tremendous amount is at stake.  Like hundreds of millions of others, I’ve seen my country slowly going down the tubes in the past eight years.  It’s gotten a lot harder to be proud of my country, and I see the ideals it stands for increasingly obscured by smoke.
That’s when I found out that several states — including my college’s state of New Jersey — have voted to pledge their electoral votes to the winner of the national popular election.  Hot damn, my vote counts for one vote again!  It’s a very exciting and rebellious move on the part of several states who are tired of only Ohio and Pennsylvania getting all the love.
So I registered!
And you should too. For all you college students out there, register for an absentee ballot the next time you’re in your hometown, or you can register to vote in your college’s state as long as you have a resident address there.  College democratic and republican organizations are eager to register young voters, so they often have booths up in public spaces on campus to help you get registered (and are always giving away free stuff!).  Go to that extra effort to be a first-timer and you’ll feel invested in your country’s politics and future to a whole new degree.
So for those of you who feel apathetic the way I did, I urge you to reconsider this year.  There’s just too much at stake to sit idly by — and this time, your vote just might make a heck of a difference.

         


Sarah Palin Porn (Well, Kinda)
CC Staff — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 14:10:58 +0000

So, we were looking around the internet this morning and we found this (not that we were looking for adult gigs in San Francisco…).

We can’t help but wonder:
1. Do we look enough like Sarah Palin to get this $3,000?!
2. What the movie is going to be called. Drill Baby Drill?
3. What the script is gonna be like: “Wanna see my Bush doctrine, baby?”
4. Why they decided against any sort of “back door” action.
5. If there will be a giant moose head on the wall over her bed.
6. When the movie is gonna come out so we can have a viewing party at our house. Is that so wrong?
We may be more excited for this than for the VP debate tonight. Mostly because we wanna see what Sarah Palin looks like when she lets her hair down (literally and figuratively).

         


Candy Dish: Amy Winehouse Has Low Self Esteem
CC Staff — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 18:00:45 +0000
Amy Winehouse misses her own birthday party.
Spencer and Heidi’s Give Me Attention tour rolls on.
J-Lo spent her Sunday running, biking and swimming.
Lindsay and Samantha take a stab at child rearing.
Britney is actually releasing another album.
Hurricaine Ike Vs. Weather Man. Point: Ike.
A hot leather jacket on a college girl’s budget.
J-Hud is gettin’ married!
8 songs for the perfect strip tease!
Palin’s church wants to convert gays?
Sir Paul McCartney ‘Will Be Dead“?!
90-year-old badass grandma
Partying at Columbia look kinda boring
Why your dreams are worse than your dude’s