Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard The Thong Song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes granny panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

Read More »

There are many difficult decisions we women must make at different times throughout our lives: tampon or pad, Brazilian or bikini, Pantene or Herbel Essense, Gossip Girl or The Hills? Difficult, difficult decisions.

It wasn’t until recently, however, that I faced one of the toughest short term decisions of my life. Or night. This choice would affect it all: my looks, my weight, and my potential for pulling some major booty.

Here was my dilemma: Do I wear Spanx, the best body shaping underwear that eliminates panty lines and takes about 10 pounds away from my curvaceous bod, or do I wear the sexy, skanky, black lace thong?

I know I’m not the only girl out there who has pondered this perplexity. And I am definitely not the last. So, what should you do? Let’s break it down: Read More »

Every self-respecting college girl has one (or three): a strapless bra.  Without this little piece of lingerie magic, we would be without proper support in our skankiest dresses and tube tops (and whatever else needs to show a lot of shoulder and not a lot of bra strap).  Some of us need need them to keep us supported during times when we can’t support ourselves and others need them to shape and pad us when our non-existent boobs aren’t enough.

Yet, as much as I love the strapless bra, I hate it.  The reality is that bras were made with straps for a reason and without them, it’s an epic fail waiting to happen.

While I own my fair share of so-called strapless wonders, I’m torn as to whether I really need them or not…

Love it:
There’s nothing quite as tacky as bra straps slipping out of tops.  I mean, it’s such an easy fix, so it’s annoying when people are walking around all strappy and whatnot.  I don’t care how nice your bra is, I don’t want to see the straps. And, no, those clear ones don’t cut it either.

In this regard, strapless bras work wonders.  They fit under your slinky tops without revealing to the general public that you buy your bras at Kmart (I only have, like, two from there…) AND they provide a step up from going without a bra, in that they stop the floppin’ and maybe provide some (in my case, much needed) push up action.

Also, when I first put a strapless bra on, I get to dance around and pretend I’m a burlesque performer.  Strapless bras have an aura of secret sexiness about them that makes me feel like I’m seduction on a stick.  They’re definitely a confidence booster (and my confidence definitely needs a boost once I look in the mirror and realize that my new, delicate dress really does make my arms look ginormous). Read More »

Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass. Read More »

I went commando to my high school prom.

This wasn’t an attempt for post-prom easy access. And I wasn’t trying to be sexy for my date.

It just so happened that I couldn’t find a single thong or no-show panty that didn’t expose a visible panty line in my dress. Under certain material, even seamless panties won’t do the trick.

So what’s a girl to do?

Fortunately, some European designer loathes panty lines just as much as I do and has remedied this chronic problem. I introduce to you… the C-string! Read More »