Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard The Thong Song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes granny panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

Where the devil did you get this genius idea?
Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that, “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

How the hell did you get it to catch on?
No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy could get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,
Miss Thong Investor

[This story was originally posted by Elizabeth - UC Berkeley]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

There are many difficult decisions we women must make at different times throughout our lives: tampon or pad, Brazilian or bikini, Pantene or Herbel Essense, Gossip Girl or The Hills? Difficult, difficult decisions.

It wasn’t until recently, however, that I faced one of the toughest short term decisions of my life. Or night. This choice would affect it all: my looks, my weight, and my potential for pulling some major booty.

Here was my dilemma: Do I wear Spanx, the best body shaping underwear that eliminates panty lines and takes about 10 pounds away from my curvaceous bod, or do I wear the sexy, skanky, black lace thong?

I know I’m not the only girl out there who has pondered this perplexity. And I am definitely not the last. So, what should you do? Let’s break it down:

Spanx make that tight dress fit perfectly and suck you in at all the right places. Problem is, body shaping underwear looks like this, or worse, like this. They’re like granny-panties-meet-military-armor with the dangerous potential to scare away any guy who finds his way down south.

Thongs, on the other hand, are straight out of every man’s fantasy. They are a guaranteed turn-on and a real flag raiser (if you know what I’m sayin’…). But they also leave everything hangin’ out…and jiggling.

Spanx make you look good, which, in turn, make you feel good and beautiful and confident enough to walk up to that fellow you’ve been eying and spit your best game.

Thongs are thin strips of material that ride uncomfortably high, making them nearly impossible to ignore as you go about your business all night. Jiggling.

Spanx require a full-body workout to get on and off. And when you finally do roll (yes, roll) those suckers down your legs (which is impossible to do while still maintaining some semblance of sex appeal), you’re left with deep red lines across your stomach. Hotness.

Thongs only require a slight tug (with teeth) to remove. They also happen to be easy to stuff back into your purse for the long Stride of Pride home. Jiggling.

You can see the dilemma. There’s really no true winner. It looks like the only option might be the old “I’ll meet you outside in a minute”/run into the bar bathroom and break a sweat taking off those Spanx and go commando before he has a chance to look up your skirt maneuver.

Sigh. It’s not easy being a girl.

Yet, as much as I love the strapless bra, I hate it.  The reality is that bras were made with straps for a reason and without them, it’s an epic fail waiting to happen.

While I own my fair share of so-called strapless wonders, I’m torn as to whether I really need them or not…

Love it:
There’s nothing quite as tacky as bra straps slipping out of tops.  I mean, it’s such an easy fix, so it’s annoying when people are walking around all strappy and whatnot.  I don’t care how nice your bra is, I don’t want to see the straps. And, no, those clear ones don’t cut it either.

In this regard, strapless bras work wonders.  They fit under your slinky tops without revealing to the general public that you buy your bras at Kmart (I only have, like, two from there…) AND they provide a step up from going without a bra, in that they stop the floppin’ and maybe provide some (in my case, much needed) push up action.

Also, when I first put a strapless bra on, I get to dance around and pretend I’m a burlesque performer.  Strapless bras have an aura of secret sexiness about them that makes me feel like I’m seduction on a stick.  They’re definitely a confidence booster (and my confidence definitely needs a boost once I look in the mirror and realize that my new, delicate dress really does make my arms look ginormous).

Loathe it:
Even though the straps are not there, people can tell you’re wearing a bra.  There always seems to be an annoying outline of the top of the bra that can be seen through your shirt.  Worst of all, when there are no straps involved, you have to hook that sucker even tighter around your ribcage, leading to unfortunate levels of back fat and horrible red marks/bruises when you take it off. NOT the situation you want to be in when you’re starting the sexy time (he might take it as a cue that you like pain and bring out the whips and chains…not a fun Saturday night).

Also, no matter how tightly you fasten it, the strapless bra will always need tugging up.  Tugging on your strapless bra all night = white trash fail.

I guess until I can afford something better (like fake boobs) or some wonderful lingerie scientist at Victoria’s Secret (they have those, right?) invents a perfect strapless bra, I’m stuck with the bras I have.  Worse case scenario:  I could just pull a American Apparel move and eschew the bra entirely.  In which case, I urge you all to stay away from my general part the USA to avoid the retina damage that will surely come from me walking around in a tank top/tube top/dress sans bra.

What do you think? Love or hate the strapless bra?

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy can get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,

Miss Thong Investor

[photo from www.environmentaltalk.com]

I went commando to my high school prom.

This wasn’t an attempt for post-prom easy access. And I wasn’t trying to be sexy for my date.

It just so happened that I couldn’t find a single thong or no-show panty that didn’t expose a visible panty line in my dress. Under certain material, even seamless panties won’t do the trick.

So what’s a girl to do?

Fortunately, some European designer loathes panty lines just as much as I do and has remedied this chronic problem. I introduce to you… the C-string!

LoveHoney—the makers of the C-string—describe their product as invisible underwear. The website says “C-String has a flexible internal frame that hugs and holds it to the body both securely and comfortably. Your modesty remains safely covered at all times.” Basically, it’s a thong sans side-straps that is shaped like the letter C. Awesome.

While I’m the #1 cheerleader for anything that diminishes panty lines, a few skeptical thoughts came to mind when I saw this nouveau thong:

• Uhh… is it just me, or is that a headband? I don’t know about you… but I’m not really down with wearing a headband as a thong. I’m all for versatile clothing, but that’s pushing it.

• Could that possibly be comfortable? There is basically a cotton-covered wire in your crack. Hmm. Questionable.

• Would guys even find it sexy? Yea, I know, guys think thongs are hot. But the C-string looks kind of awkward.

That being said, the sole review of the C-string on the product website claims that it’s both sexy and “surprisingly comfortable.”

I was considering ordering it until I realized that one C-string would cost me nearly $50 (including overseas shipping and handling).

I think I’ll let the rest of the world feel the C-string out first. If I can get a few people to promise me that it didn’t fall off in the middle of the street, I’ll give it a shot. Until then, I’m going commando. Or maybe I’ll wear a headband of my own.