So that time of year is creeping up on us. The time when we must throw some clothes into duffel, fill the rest of the bag with dirty laundry, kiss our roommate and our bottle of vodka goodbye, and head home for fall break.

Yes, there are many up-sides to this little trip: we get a break from all the homework, we get to eat something other then cafeteria mystery meat for a change, and we get to curl up with Scruffy on the couch for a couple of days.

But with the comfort of being home comes a few downers as well. And I’m not talking about being woken up at 9am on a Saturday or having to empty the dishwasher. It’s those little comments from mom and dad that really get under your skin. And no matter how hard you try to be nice, you just can’t help but snap, say something mean and beeline to the car/airport (clean clothes and leftovers in hand, obvi) as soon as humanly possible.

Here are a few of the worst offenders:

“Honey, your pants look a little tight”
Yes mom, I realize that drinking 5 days out of the week and eating delivery pizza has done a number on my waistline. Am I happy about it? No. Do I know it is there? Yes. Is it helping that you pinch the muffin top and poke the underarm flab? Absolutely not!

“Have you found a nice boy yet?”
If by “nice” you mean “a tall pre-med student who considers hanging out in the library fun,” then no, dad, I have not found your ideal son-in-law quite yet. But I have hooked up with a couple of the guys on the football team who can barely form coherent sentences but have 8-pack stomachs you can bounce a quarter off of, if that counts for anything. Read More »

College is full of trial and error. And sadly we find ourselves running into a lot more error than we desire. Being stood up by that guy who we thought was really into us rings a bell. As does spending an entire night and next morning (okay and maybe the afternoon too) puking our guts out.

Eventually, we get a hang of things, but it would’ve been really nice to have some basic knowledge under our belts before we started. And since we are so caring, and so pissed off that no one did it for us, we’ve decided to let the next generation of college girls in on some scared knowledge that will save them a lot of trouble, and in some cases embarrassment, come freshman year and beyond. Read More »

"Marijuana is a gateway drug, honey. It will kill you."

It wasn’t until 3 years ago, at the age of 23, that I realized that a red ring won’t show up around you if you pee in my parents’ pool. I had been living in that house and swimming in that pool since the ripe age of 6, running into the freezing cold basement and struggling to pull a wet one-piece up over my ass whenever I had to pee, and it took me 17 years to learn that my parents had been lying to me all along.

Yes, I could have been peeing in that pool for years!

After spending most of my life living a lie (one that protected everyone else swimming with me, I suppose) I started to think back on other things my parents may have been lying about. Like when they told me and my brothers that they didn’t have a favorite child, when clearly that child is me. Or when they told me they’d never done drugs. Bullsh*t, parents!

And I know I’m not the only one who’s been lied to! Apparently it’s a parent’s job to seriously mislead their children. Our friends over at Lemondrop have been lied to, and the CollegeCandy writers have been living some lies, too. Read More »

You know, when you decide to live with a guy all you can think about is the good things. Like how you can go home to him after a long day at school, how you don’t have to walk a mile to his dorm just to see him, how you’ll never have to do the Walk of Shame again, etc. But then you move in… and things are great for awhile…until the fights break out.

No couple is perfect. Someone in a committed relationship either is lying or has some miracle drug if they say that they never fight with their partner. It’s a normal thing, but sometimes it can get ugly. And by ”sometimes” I mean “when you live with that person and can’t get away.”

Matt and I have had our fair share of fights, and usually it all starts because something small bothers us. And then we let it fester until it becomes one huge thing. Then all hell breaks loose! Even worse is that we’re both really stubborn people so it takes forever for either of us to apologize. That wasn’t such a big deal when we could just go to our respective homes to cool off, but now there’s nowhere to go. And that just makes everything worse. Read More »

"Mom! Can you bring me some ice cream??"

It’s your last class of the week and it’s creeping by even more slowly than usual. You flip through your stack of Power Point slides. Twelve pages to go and only twenty minutes left in the class. There’s no way you’ll get out of here on time thanks to that ass in the front row who raises his hand every 3 minutes.

You aren’t paying much attention to the prof (why should you? You’ve got the entire lecture printed out in front of you) and instead are counting down the minutes until you’re back home for the weekend eating your mom’s famous burgers and showering without flip flops.

Class finally ends and you run back to the dorm. You only have an hour to pack before you need to hit the road. You dig your suitcase out from under your bed (“That’s where my round brush went!”) and throw it open. You don’t need a lot for your two day retreat; you don’t plan on doing much besides lay around on your parents’ couch and raid the pantry. You toss in a few pairs of sweats, one nice outfit (because your mom has made it clear that she didn’t buy you all those nice jeans to have them sit in the closet) and some very basic toiletries. You’ll just use mom’s shampoo/ conditioner/ hair dryer/ makeup… if the need arises.

There is still plenty of room left in your bag so you drag your laundry bag out of your closet and start filling up the suitcase with your dirties. You’re sure your mother’s empty-nest syndrome will be alleviated with a few loads of your laundry. And if nothing else, at least you’ll be able to do it for free.

Once your bag is zipped – which required a lot of pushing and a gallon of sweat – you change into something that won’t leave your mom yelling at you for looking like a hobo, dab on a little makeup, throw the necessary books/laptop into your messenger bag and head out. Read More »

I am literally counting down the days until I head back to school (30 and a half, baby!). I miss red Solo cups, beer pong, and (although I hate to admit it) the cliche frat guys who are always down for an ice luge and day drinking.

As Asher Roth says (to a very nice beat), I love college. And I think all of you will agree with my reasons for wanting to get back to the leisurely life of football games, parties, boys, and, um, oh yeah, classes.

My Girls: I know back in the day college was often considered the place women went to find their husbands, but for me, it’s all about my girls.  I haven’t found my groom in college, but I’ve definitely found my bridesmaids and I can’t wait to be back under one roof with all of them.

One Nighters: In the city, the typical morning-after walk of shame becomes a cab of shame and that just costs more. Not to mention the increased creepy factor when you go home with a randar in the city and have to use Google Maps to find your way home. But on campus? I’m only a few blocks from my bed and have some (albeit long and random) connection to the boy at hand….or mouth. See? Not so random, after all. 

Football Games: Tailgating, drinking before noon, shotgunning, stuffing your face with hot dogs, and having this all be socially acceptable? Only in college.

Free Condoms!: That’s right,  I said free. Most college Student Health Centers supply students with a limited supply of condoms each semester with just the show of your student ID card. Most importantly for us ladies, you can often get your birth control at a cheaper rate, too. Read More »

We’ve all lied to our parents at one time or another. Whether it was that time that you got the car towed and told the rents your BFF was driving (and you were being responsible because you had a drink!), or the time when you came home at a ridiculous hour after being at your BF’s (or booty call’s) house and said you were taking care of a crying friend who just got dumped – and she gave you her brother’s clothes to wear home – we’ve all committed the sin.

And why not? It’s easier than dealing with the yelling/door slamming.

I know I’ve done it. After getting pulled over for speeding while jamming out to Brit Brit in my car, my parents were absolutely furious. So I said I got my period and it was such a mess that I needed to get somewhere fast! They understood (if my dad sticking his fingers in his ears and walking out of the room counts as understanding) and, although still weren’t happy, it did bring a lot of the screaming to an end. (Sorry, mom and dad.) Read More »

It’s Parent Weekend, or your birthday, or just a Thursday night and you’re craving a free meal a la parentals. Either way, your parents are coming to campus and that means one thing and one thing only: it’s time to clean.

It’s not like your place is dirty – at least by your standards – but something about having mom and dad sit on that couch (where your roommate hooked up last night and – oh! – her bra is stuffed between the cushions) is just not right.
You don’t need your parents seeing the cans from last night’s impromptu party, or the empty Doritos bags littering your
bedroom floor.

You run home from class/work and get moving on the deep clean. You start with your bedroom. You fold all of the clothes that have been piled on your floor for three weeks and put them away.  After you make your bed, you decide some vacuuming is in order. Good idea, too, as you find some less than parent-friendly goodies (your bowl or some empty condom wrappers, perhaps?) under the bed. You remove the dirty dishes (AKA the cereal bowl from last week filled with congealed milk) from your desk and replace them with books and binders. Read More »

Ahh.. home sweet home. Or is it? Now that most of us are home for the summer, we’ve realized that the break’s over and the spontaneous nights of beer pong and the freedom to do who/what we like are gone. Funny how quickly it went from, “Our baby girl’s finally home from college. We’ve missed you so much!” to “Oh. You’re home? Run to the store and pick up some milk.”

Things are starting to fall back into their old routines, but it’s not the same. You’re an adult now, a house guest in your own home. Your house doesn’t really feel like your pre-college home anymore and the rules have all changed… or have they? Check out these Home-for-the-Summer House Rules:

Curfews. Yes, I understand that most of us are way too old to have curfews. This isn’t about that. It’s rude to stumble in at 1 in the morning and wake up the entire house. And regardless of whether you’re 12 or 22, you should probably give your parents a heads up if you’re planning to stay out late. Your parents will always be your parents and if their baby is still out “missing” with no warning, they’re going to worry/call the cops.

Chores. Just because you’re an ‘adult’ now (especially because you’re an adult now) doesn’t mean you can laze around all summer. Your mother is not your maid. If your parents are feeding you and letting you live rent free for the summer, the least you can do is pick up after yourself and help around the house. Chances are, the rents have realized that you’re going to be around for awhile and they’ve already put you to work anyway. Read More »

The only thing harder than saying goodbye to your roommate for the summer is packing up your dorm… and mopping all of the dried beer of the floor.  And scrubbing your desk where pizza sauce has been encrusted for months. And figuring out how to pack it all into your two-door.  Yeah, moving out sucks.  But moving IN with your parents again… well, let’s face it.  It rocks.

Here are my top ten faves about crashing with Mom and Dad for three months.  What are yours?

1.  You can live with your parents without looking like a deadbeat loser.

You have an excuse: You’re still in college and the dorms closed.  If you were 35 and working at the Venus Club and living with the ‘rents… you might belong on Jerry Springer.  But there’s nothing shameful about going back to your teenage years and living under their roof for one more summer.

2.  You’re a legal adult now.

Maybe your parents tried to force some strict rules on you in high school, and you vowed to move out asap.  But now, you’re an adult.  So even if they try to enforce a curfew, you at least have the “I’m a grown up” argument, which can be bolstered with “I just made Dean’s List,” or “In college, you aren’t keeping tabs on me and I made it home alive, didn’t I?” Plus, a lot of parents won’t even pick that fight, because they realize that you are an adult, you are a responsible collegiate, and they don’t want to know what happens on spring break. Read More »