Maybe it was the “this semester’s going to be different” syndrome that somehow possessed you to sign up for that early morning seminar. Or maybe it’s that pesky biology course that you’ve put off for the last 3 semesters — the one you have to take to declare your major. Either way, we all succumb now and then to the evilest of academia plaguing our university campuses – 8 AM classes.

After spending about five lectures cursing the school’s scheduling system, you realize that you actually have to suck up this class for the entire term. When you finally come to that place of acceptance, rely on these survival tips to get you through the long road ahead:

1. Prepare your sh*t ahead of time – It takes about 5 minutes to sleepily throw everything you need in your school bag before you hit the hay. Make sure to grab the essentials. Notebook? Check. Pens and pencils? Got ‘em. New York Times sudoku book? Hell yeah!

2. Set your alarm to your own sleeping habits – Personally, I like to set my alarm to about 20 to 30 minutes before the time I absolutely have to wake up, also known as the Oh Sh*t Hour. That way, I can have the satisfaction of slapping my snooze button without actually being late for class. Now, if you’re like my roommate, you may want to set your alarm at the actual O.S.H., or else you may automatically turn off your alarm in your sleep.

3. Drink coffee – And lots of it.

4. Bring breakfast with you – Let’s be real, most of us run a little late when it’s 7:45 in the morning, leaving no time to prepare let alone eat a hearty meal. I trust that you’ve seen the Special K Red Berries commercial, so you know that “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” I don’t like to lose any opportunity to eat, so I make an easy breakfast that I can eat in class. One of my favorites is the parfait – nonfat plain yogurt, granola, and mixed frozen or fresh fruit. Clean, easy, and effectively makes everybody around you drool in jealousy.

5. Wear your gym clothes to class – This is one of my personal faves. Wear gym clothes to class so you don’t have to get up earlier to get ready. It doesn’t even matter if you plan to go to the gym or even have a membership. As long as you’re wearing gym clothes you can be certain of two things: 1) You will be comfortable and 2) You can speed walk/run to class without breaking an ankle. This also doubles as an excuse to look like crap while still appearing as there’s a purpose to your raggedness.

Good luck and take heart: you’re not the only one struggling to keep those eyes open this morning…

I tried to talk myself in to sticking it out. I really did. I kept telling myself all the little motivators I mentioned in my last update. I told myself that if all sorts of other people could do it, I damn well could. I told myself that not only were all my friends and family aware I was doing it, but I was broadcasting it on the internet – to quit would mean failure, and everyone would know.

But then I went to the gym. And I’m totally one of those sick people who genuinely enjoys the gym. I love to sweat, use my muscles, feel all strong and healthy and accomplished. And when I found myself sprawled out on the workout mats, head all fuzzy and discombobulated, too tired and pissed off to do a crunch or run on the treadmill, I thought, this is totally moronic. I’m miserable. I don’t care if I’m so loaded with fucking toxins that I mutate in to the Incredible Hulk, this Master Cleanse sh*t has got to stop.

So, I gathered up my stuff, walked out of the gym, walked to the closest cafe, bought a parfait, and f*%king chowed down. And it was AWESOME. Immediately, everything turned around. I was cheerful, happy, energetic, ready to run on the treadmill and hang out with my boyfriend and paint my room and do all the things that seemed utterly insurmountable while I was living off of f*%king syrup and lemon juice.

Believe me, I know it seems absurd that realizing eating is good was a revelation for me. But in theory the Master Cleanse sounded like such a great idea. Clean out your system! Rid yourself of all your ailments! Reset your body! And honestly, I talked to a number of people who did it and gave it rave reviews. But now I know that these people a) are superheroes, or b) have something profoundly wrong with them. Honestly.

Maybe if I had stuck it out for, like, one more day I would have reached the point where I could have ridden it out, but damn. Every day, it just got worse; I only got more pissed off and had less of a will to get out of bed. It wasn’t even like I was craving food, because I wasn’t, really. I was just exhausted and my brain was all messed up. I was obsessed with the Cleanse; it was all I could think about. Attempts at higher-level thinking, like decision-making or, say, processing something I had just read were damn near impossible. It was like I hadn’t slept in days, when really, sleeping was almost all I was doing.

I will say, though, that I’m glad I tried it. It’s something I needed to experience first hand, and if I had never done it, I would still believe all those people saying it’s glorious. Plus, even though I didn’t do it for the full duration, I still did get some of the benefits. Like, I haven’t wanted an energy drink at all, which just proves that my addiction to them is all in my head. And by not eating for a few days I’ve realized that a lot of times when I eat I’m not even hungry; it’s just force of habit. And I’ve learned that, if need be, I can toss back a quart of salt water, which I’m sure will make me some money somewhere down the line. (“No. No WAY you can chug that. I’ll give you ten bucks if you do.”)

Final conclusions about the Master Cleanse? Here’s what I’ve determined. Sure, it cleans out your body, to some degree, because you’re not putting anything in it. I don’t know about flushing out years worth of built up toxins or whatever, but your colon and intestines are probably squeaky clean. However, a similar effect could be achieved by drinking a fiber shake every morning, if you’re that concerned about it. And as someone mentioned in the comments on my first post about the Cleanse, you do have a new appreciation for food when you’re done because you haven’t had any in TEN DAYS.

And all those euphoric feelings and high energy levels that people reported having while on the Cleanse are probably result of being half-starved and running solely on maple syrup. Thinking about it now, I really can’t believe that consuming only that mixture seemed like a good idea. I get carried away sometimes.

So I guess that’s it. Like I said, I’m glad I did it, I learned some things, but the bottom line is, I need food. Period.

And Stanley Burroughs is a f*%king nutjob.

[That delectable photo is courtesy of cookingdonelight.com]