Who Obama Should Have Picked

Flavor Flav

Obama’s shown that he has the quick charisma, intelligent flow and moves to be head MC of famed “conscious” rap crew Wyyte-Houzz and M-RIKA, but even the greatest mic rocker can only work the crowd so much. What Obama needs is a dedicated hype man, a man who can properly rep his skills without grabbing too much of the limelight – a man like former Public Enemy member and all-around gentleman Flavor Flav. Sure, it’s a heavy weight to carry around one’s neck, but Flav is used to it.

Paris Hilton

John McCain gets panned for being “too establishment”, “too Bushie”, and too conservative in general. But McCain was quite the Nostradamus, I think, when he highlighted Paris Hilton as an upcoming power player in the field of American politics. What makes her such a compelling choice? She has absolutely no platform. She’s completely Teflon. What are you going to disagree with? Taking McCain’s lead, I predict a future where President Obama will not only give Hilton the vice presidency but will make the Secretary of Defense a ham sandwich. Have you ever won an argument about nuclear policy with a ham sandwich? Neither have I.

A full-length mirror

Really, would anyone else do a better job? Obama may have to bulk up a bit for his reflective debut, since seeing his skinny butt all the time might give him body image issues, but otherwise a mirror image of Obama would be the perfect veep. He’d be harder to assassinate. He could double-team enemy politicians on the basketball court. He’d even pin down that right-handed constituency that’s been eluding him this whole time. Better yet, American citizens would no longer have to worry that the leader of the free world is a vampire. Unless he is. But better to find out now, instead of over Mr. Putin’s pale, bloodless corpse.

Who McCain Should Have Picked

Sylvester Stallone

McCain needs to get back to his party roots if he wants to win over the breadbasket of America this September. What he needs to realize is that the GOP is really about two things: getting shirtless and killing people with bazookas. Huckabee came close with his endorsement by Chuck Norris, but he’s always wearing those nerdy denim jackets. And honestly, it’s been far too long since Schwarzenegger terminated anything other than fashion sense. Stallone is the only man left for the job, and he’s already had experience taking down those damn Commies.

Any one of his pets

Everyone loves dogs wearing clothes, and as a dog lover, I’m sure McCain wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to put one of his adorable mutts in a presidential three-piece — or any of his other pets. And his party would rally behind the choice for sure: they’ve been outdone by the Democrats, who plan to elect the first black president. They’re trying to one-up that by electing the first woman vice president – but why stop there? Why not go with the first ferret vice president?

My grandfather, who is a realtor

My grandfather knows a lot about houses. He buys houses, and he sells houses. He doesn’t really have any other qualifications for being the vice president, I guess, although he does read the Wall Street Journal. But you know what? McCain has all the president stuff covered. But what about his houses? We all know that McCain said he “couldn’t remember” how many houses he had – but we haven’t really thought about this in detail. What if he has no houses? That’s terrible! If he were the vice president, my grandfather could help McCain buy a house to live in. That would be his Vice Presidential Promise, and he makes good promises.

[Stallone-vision courtesy of artfiles.art.com]

You wanna know something? Us college kids are really just big magnets. If you open a dumb video of an overweight thirteen year-old kid singing a pop song from the Falkland Islands, every single student within a mile will be chuckling over your shoulder within fifteen seconds.

If our presidential candidates really want to get the 18-24 crowd out and voting, they should start making films of themselves running drunk and naked across the interstate. Right now, candidates are mostly remembered for being a bunch of lumpy old guys who still haven’t lowered the drinking age. They can do so much better: the McCain/Romney version of “Daft Bodies”, for example, would totally steal the election. I’d vote for them.

4. “Reframe the debate”

This year, the American people are concerned with economic something and whatever with foreclosure blah blah drilling offshore and climate change, very important to something Iraq timetable mumble mumble. Man! The issues are tiring! I need a nap!

So it’s not surprising that college students don’t get out to rep their favorite pols. All they talk about is boring crap that sucks! You know what college kids like? Movies. It’s what we care about. “Iraq” is far away and hard to pronounce properly. All those cutthroat late-night debates need to be centered around the real questions — the tough questions, the ones that will get students waving big posters and burning their underwear.

“I understand that Christian Bale’s a great Batman, Senator Obama, but what’s up with that police run-in? In light of his creepy bevhavior, have you reconsidered your recent “pro-shirtless Bale” position?” “Senator McCain, what’s your stance on Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA? Awful enough to be funny, or just awful enough to suck?” “If elected, what measures do the candidates plan to take to ensure that George Lucas doesn’t ruin another franchise, ever?”

3. Hand out textbook vouchers at the polling place

College students aren’t always very driven people, but damn, we will go through lengths to save money on textbooks. A quick trip down the street and a bit of decision-making is nothing if we can score a discount on that $400 Statistics set that comes with two hardcover books, a study guide we’ll never open, a Miley Cyrus DVD and a custom Yorkshire Terrier, all of which are required. Hell, you can probably put some barbed wire and a few pungee pits on the way, too; we’ll still make the trek. We already try to save money by going through crazy, only semi-English speaking online vendors that may sell you your textbook and may simply sell you a bomb with AIDS.

2. Create a voting drinking game.

What’s voting, anyway? A waste of expensive gas and time better spent surfing Wikipedia. There needs to be an incentive! Of course, polling places could always just put Keystone on tap, but even then, so what? Drunk with a bunch of creaky old people? And they probably won’t let you set up a pong table; some of those voting booths are kinda small.

But think along simpler, more portable lines — like a movie drinking game, you know, “drink every time Garden State sucks and you hate it” or whatever. Start with simple stuff, like “drink every time a chad gets dimpled”. “Drink every time they have to kick someone’s cute little kid out of the voting booth”. Watch out for the splashier events: “drink twice every time someone’s voter registration is screwed up and they get accused of being an illegal immigrant from Turkemenistan” Or “chug every time you’re voting in Florida — it’ll probably improve things overall”.

Of course, when everyone staggers to the TV the next morning, fuzzy and hung over, you discover that somehow “my nuts” has become the next leader of the free world, by write-in vote. Democracy! All right!

1. Have an inspirational, intelligent, charismatic and refreshing candidate on the ballot

I know, it’s a long shot, but just imagine it: millions of Americans rushing out of their homes, lining up to see one man — a candidate who offers something new, something great, who offers a friendly, feel-good kind of politics but still stands firm on principle. A candidate whom you wouldn’t mind having a beer with but whom you also wouldn’t mind trying to balance the national budget. A candidate who probably won’t need triple bypass surgery during his presidency and a candidate who has a charming smile. A candidate you’d want to vote for, and then you’d want to hug.

Yes, it’d be a beautiful thing, wouldn’t it? Masses of bright-eyed youngsters, driven by a new-found political passion like nothing before. Perhaps a false hope, but maybe one day… hey, wait a minute!

Biased? Me? Never! But seriously, get out and vote this election season! Vote for someone you care about, whoever that may be! And don’t drink and vote, folks. Practice responsible democracy.

“The Dark Knight” is already my favorite movie ever

I get “blackout” to level the gender playing fields

This guy is truly the voice of a generation

Tom Hanks is a celeb endorsement I’d trust

Isn’t bird poo on your face normally a bad thing?

Jason Mraz, I love your words–but are they yours?

Admirable: Britney Spears stays grounded…even in flight!

Yay, Seth MacFarlane is stickin’ around

Planning a wedding is no easy task

Another “The Hills” parody–this time, with Lo!

Yes, we all know the supposed heart-throbs of our generation: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, blah blah blah blah. But aren’t there girls out there who yearn for a pair of boys with adorable accents, mad guitar skills, and who are also downright hilarious? If you answered no to that question, you need a wake up call, and here it is.

These two rather adorable boys are called Flight of the Conchords, and last Sunday they won a Grammy for best comedy album for their debut effort, The Distant Future.

They are, in their own words, “New Zealand’s 4th most popular folk/comedy duo“, and their songs are wonderfully quirky and insanely funny. In addition, they star in probably what is the most original show on television, called, you guessed it: Flight of the Conchords.

They star as slightly fictionalized versions of themselves, a folk duo from New Zealand trying to make it big in New York City. What makes this show unique, however, is the duo’s tendency to randomly burst out into song…about completely random topics.

If you need to be further convinced, please take a moment to watch this clip from their HBO show. A little backstory for you-the duo are about to be mugged by some street thugs in New York City, and they decide to be completely intimidating (and adorable) by beginning a rap battle.

The Hiphopopotamus and The Rhymenoceros

So get yourself ready to see a lot more of the Conchords in 2008: their first full-length CD is coming out in April, and their show on HBO got renewed for a second season. To get caught up, check out the first season of their show on DVD. I promise you, you won’t regret it.

(Editor’s note: For an additional burst of hilarity, check out this oldie but goodie FOTC clip, “Most Beautiful Girl in the Room“. I like the part about “kababs”. Mostly because their accents allow them to rhyme “cab” with “kabob“)

She tries to do just that, in this entertaining yet not-at-all timely mockumentary, which features Mann wandering around Hollywood in a succession of dapper ties, trying to book various stars for her annual Christmas spectacular.

(Before you ask why Aimee is releasing a Christmas mockumentary in mid-February, consider the larger mystery at play: she’s scheduling the show itself for November 30. Aimee Mann apparently has trouble figuring out when Christmas happens.)

The clip itself mostly features John K. honing his suprisingly well-developed skills of shifting around and making uncomfortable faces at the camera. (You know, if only there were some sort of SHOW where he could do this EVERY WEEK.) Yet, for Mann’s song alone, it’s well worth your time.

But wait! There’s more! Lots more. This video is long, long, LONG – so long, in fact, that it’s been split up into three separate parts. Unless you have lots of love for Mann, odds are high that you won’t get through the whole thing. But for those with the patience to watch parts two and three, the rewards are high: a gleefully smug Paul F. Tompkins, Will Armisen venting fury on audiences everywhere (“people who pay money to sit in chairs are stupid”), and the shambling specter of a David-Cross-less Bob Odenkirk.

Ben Stiller also makes an appearance, playing a pompous ass named Ben Stiller. This is becoming a pattern for Ben, actually, which is leading me to think that he hates his movies as much as I do. This, of course, makes me feel much better about the human race. All will be well, as long as the man who made Meet the Fockers does not sleep unburdened by his crime.

Oh, and Will Ferrell shows up, thereby fulfilling his contractual obligation to appear in every film ever released in any medium, ever, from now until the end of time.

So: are you ready for more Aimee? Watch on, my friend. Watch on.

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