Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

5. Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

6. Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers!

Annoying drunk people…

7. Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you are a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

8. Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels turns transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies. And you could be the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

Actually, that’s not really a secret, and it’s still mostly true. I used to think I would never be able to dance, no matter how much practice I had or how precisely I counted the beats of the song in my head. One of my ex-boyfriends was actually rude enough to refuse to dance with me at any social function because I was “so awful,” as he affectionately termed it.

Then I discovered swing.

Swing dancing defied all of my stereotypes about dance. I thought you had to be lithe and limber to dance well, that you had to be able to balance sixteenth-notes in your head while tapping out the rhythm of the drums, and that more experienced dancers would never, ever deign to be partners with beginners.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Swing was all of my dreams come true. It was a dance where great, talented people with years of experience would partner in a heartbeat with first-time dancers. It was a fantastic workout, with stretching and cardio and aerobic exercise all jammed into one. It was both endlessly challenging and deceptively simple—you can learn the basic steps of East Coast Swing in less than ten minutes, but spend decades perfecting the forms. And, most of all, it was FUN.

I feel like I’m releasing everything when I’m swing dancing. It’s impossible to think about whatever is worrying or stressing me, because there’s only room for concentrating on the dance steps. My partner doesn’t care if I’m sweaty and damp, and I don’t care if he is. I get to work at overcoming my shyness by dancing with a bevy of different people every night I go to a swing class, and I find that I make more and more friends every time I go (swingers are some of the friendliest people around).

Yes, I’m still uncoordinated and klutzy and arrhythmic, but it doesn’t matter when I’m swing dancing. I get the beat, even though it sometimes takes a little work. If you haven’t tried it, I can almost guarantee you’ll love it. Even if you feel discouraged the first time you dance, don’t give up—you get better and it gets more fun every time.

So what are you waiting for? Google your city’s local swing scene and go cut a rug with all the hip hepcats who are just waiting to meet you.