Type 2: Screwing

I go through phases where I listen to different podcasts on a fairly obsessive basis. It was during one of these phases that I stumbled upon a podcast called Sex, Love, and Intimacy (on which our lovely editor did an interview, the same interview that introduced me to CollegeCandy in the first place). As you guys may have noticed, I  have a lot of respect for people who do the job that I hope one day to do myself (you know, like how often I talk about Dan Savage…), and I tend to quote them a lot. Chip August, the host of Sex, Love, and Intimacy had a slogan that has stuck with me long after the podcast ended – “sex is more than just a piece of skin, a piece of skin, wiggle wiggle pop.”

Oh, how true that is.  There’s more to sex than just the act – the in and out, the build up and the orgasm. There’s more than the positions. No, I’m not going into the emotions and love and meaning behind sex. Not gonna lie, I don’t even know what to call the thing I’m talking about; style? Type? Intensity? But bear with me, I will explain:

Making Love:
As much as I hate that phrase (oh, how I despise it so), it’s really the only way to describe it. Those intimate sessions that are usually slow and loving. More about feeling everything than the climax. While love-making may not be hottest or most passionate, or even the sexiest, it is definitely the most intimate.

Screwing:
Okay, in reality I would call this type of sex f*cking, but I have a problem with censoring my words, so we’re just going to call it screwing for all intents and purposes, and you guys can follow along with what I really mean. I find this tends to be the favorite for college-aged guys. It’s the least intimate (generally, not saying having a good screw can’t be loving), and usually the most intense. You know, sweaty and loud, and being thrown all over the place. It’s usually just about getting off, but since when is that a bad thing?

The happy-medium:
When I’ve described this “3-kinds-of-sex” theory to different partners, this particular “type” is usually just labeled something along the lines of “plain old sex.” Maybe it’s vanilla, or maybe it’s just not as steamy as screwing, but this tends to be the fall-back for most couples. It’s the middle between making love and screwing, usually takes the least effort, and produces the results expected out of some good ol’ fashioned sex.

The trick to a sustainable sex life isn’t just mixing up the positions and introducing some sexy toys (though that helps too), it can be as easy as just mixing up the “style.” Sometimes the mood strikes to be um.. pounded, and sometimes the mood strikes to have fingers-intertwined and love and romance. And sometimes, it’s just sex to get the job done.

Pssst! If anyone else knows the “proper” name for this phenomenon, please let me know… it was kinda hard to write about something that doesn’t have a specific label!

I think I am starting to go crazy!

Not that I haven’t experienced this phenomenon before; I did live with 8 girls in an old house during college. The walls were paper thin and I could hear everything from giggles to bed springs to even the slightest breath. But those were my friends. I had no problem marching up the stairs, gently knocking on the door and reminding said roommate that not everyone needs to know how “good that feels.”

I don’t know the dude who lives upstairs. In fact, until I heard two male voices moaning in the throes of sex last night, I had no idea that he was gay. And it is not like that makes a difference for me at all; I don’t want to hear anyone – gay or straight – screaming “F*$! ME” at 6:45 on a Sunday morning. Nor do I care how either of the parties “likes it” or where their next fornication location is going to be. (Yes, I did hear one boy throw out the idea of “taking this to the shower.”) But my point is that I barely know my upstairs neighbor, making it virtually impossible for me to broach this touchy subject with him.

But I have to do something. Laying in my bed and listening while they share such an intimate (yet vocal) moment makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Like I am creepily joining in somewhere that I shouldn’t be. Like I am a third wheel in my very own bedroom! Not to mention the fact that I am currently not enjoying such exhilarating sexcapades and should not have to be constantly reminded of what I am missing.

So what can I do?!

Pull a Mr. Heckles and stab the ceiling with a broom? Leave an anonymous note taped to his door asking him politely to be a little quieter in the mornings? Find my own loud/dirty talkin’ bed-mate and give him a taste of his own medicine?

I need my sleep. I need my sanity. Help!

Obviously, there are tons of perks to dating someone: someone to snuggle with, someone to act silly with; someone to share the bed with (wink wink).

Building relationships, however, takes some time. Not time in the sense that it will take months before you feel comfortable with the person; time in the sense that there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done and have wild passionate sex. That may not be so true for those of you still in school – getting to class/that meeting isn’t that important – but once you enter the real world, responsibility comes a runnin’ and finding the time for a relationship gets a little more difficult.

Take my friend, for example. He met an awesome girl. She is sexy, smart, funny and – as he felt the need to tell me – amazing in bed. In fact, after spending the night (on a work night!), said lady friend woke him up with a little taste of her bedroom abilities.

“That is the best way to start your day, Lauren.” He said. (Actually, he made some reference to the Folger’s coffee song, but it was so cheesy I didn’t want to repeat it here.) “But, I am a little mad about the morning sex because I couldn’t get to the gym.”

His reaction may seem crazy to most people, but I totally understood what he was saying. For the past two months I have been really busy doing things for me. From morning workouts to yoga to writing to catching up on my reading, I have been incredibly busy.

Sure, I haven’t been dating. Sure, I wish I was dating. But when it came down to it, I really got into my own schedule and was finally doing the things I never had time to do when I was in a relationship.

How could I get to the gym at 5:30 when there was a boy sleeping soundly next to me? Not that I had the energy to get up after staying up far too late doing…stuff. And when was I supposed to catch up on my list of books to read when my man always wanted to hang out, talk, or go see some movies? I know it sounds so lame, but it is true.

Being in a relationship can really mess up your personal life!

It is not as if having someone special in your life is a burden, it is just that when you start dating someone it requires a lot of time. You have dinners, sleepovers, and nights out. Even if you aren’t actually doing anything, the beginning of a relationship consists of a whole lot of together time. Which is less time to get to the gym, or to do your laundry, or get to the grocery store.

Do I stand alone in this? Does anyone else feel the strain a relationship brings?