Passover means a week of saying thanks – but no thanks to bread, rolls, bagels and all other carb-y goodness. Along with (depending on how strict you observe) saying sayonara to beans, corn syrup, your soy lattes and – um – BEER.

Basically everything you need to exist on a daily basis and especially on the weekend. No beer and no pizza to eat late night ,and no bagels to curb the hangover the next day. I thought we were supposed to be the chosen people? What were we chosen for – to be the pioneers of the Atkins diet?!

Anyway, after celebrating this holiday for 24 years I’ve learned a few things. Like the fact that even though the orange packaging looks promising, Crispy-O’s cereal tastes like crap (if crap was made out of cardboard and cough syrup).  And that while matzoh pizza smells good while it’s baking, there really is nothing that can cover up the fact that matzoh tastes like what is ordinarily used to package my recent purchases from Gilt Groupe. So now, as a responsible and Jewy adult, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve to help everyone survive this week sans bread/non K-for-P goodies and keep you and your taste buds satisfied.

1) Look at Passover as a week to detox. Why waste calories on desserts that look decent to the eye but taste like stale cake mixed with bits of Styrofoam? I figure Passover is a great time to eat clean: fruits, veggies, protein. It’s like a week-long detox/cleanse that is imposed by the big man upstairs. (You down with G-O-D?)

2) Quinoa is K for Pizzle! That’s right, friends – Quinoa, the high protein complex carb goodness, is Kosher for Passover. You can chop up some veggies, some nuts, some dried fruit – whatever strikes your mood- and make a delicious and healthy meal! Read More »

Basically, I ran out of things to eat.

Yeah, yeah, it shouldn’t be that hard. But somehow nothing seems quite satisfying enough, quite interesting enough when I have to think so hard about my food.

I am not the kind of girl who diets. In fact, I’ve never been on a diet in my entire life (excluding this “Passover diet” that I go on every year for a week). And I’ll tell you, I don’t like it. If I had to be so careful about what I ate all the time, I would definitely be a much bigger bitch.

Which is really making me a better person. Because now when someone is rude to me on the train, I can think, “oh, they must be on a diet,” and let it go. Thanks, Passover!

In any event, the last couple of days were annoying. I missed out on free Beard Papa cream puffs, on free cookies, on going out to (not free, but still) pizza with friends, etc. etc.

I ate Pinkberry frozen yogurt for lunch one day when I was in a rush and couldn’t think of anything else that was fast.

I was not always nice to my boyfriend. Read More »

Basically, I’m hungry and fatigued. And I want to eat bread.

I wake up and I eat matzoh.

Then I go about my daily day (see?! I can’t even think of a better way to say this!) and find something I can eat for lunch (surprisingly difficult even in lower manhattan).

Then I’m cranky at people until dinner, at which point I am tired of trying to think of what to eat and end up having a fudgesicle.

Actually, I think I might be losing weight, but only because eating has become so calculated and joyless that it’s not even worth it.

I mean, this is not a big deal. I can’t have bread. To channel my grandmother for a moment, this should be the worst thing that happens to me. Read More »

I should probably point out that I am crappy Jew and, even in not eating chametz (leavened bread), I’m not actually keeping Kosher for Passover. There are lots of rules that I suck at and am therefore not doing. Think of me as a Secular Jew. That’s probably the nicest possible term.

Anyway, Day 3. I woke up hungry. I ate leftover lox (with nothing else because I am super gross) and drank coffee. Then I went about my daily business.

I didn’t get a chance to eat again until the early afternoon and by then I was starving, I mean like in a dizzy, light-headed kind of way. Usually I can wait a bunch of hours before eating again. But then again, usually I eat bread.

So I had chicken and broccoli for lunch and felt better but still hungry.

Round it off with an apple and I’m doing really great, right? Actually, maybe I’ll lose weight on this after all. Coincidentally, of course.

Buuuuut then I felt hungry and depraved and ate a whole bunch of chocolate. Twice.

Happy Passover. Hand over the bread.

And oh, what a Day 2 it was.

Well, first of all, last night I went to my parents’ house for a Seder. We went through our Maxwell House Haggadahs like I go through a fresh, steaming cup of Maxwell House coffee.

…Anyway.

I asked my father what the correct pronunciation of “Haggadah” was, because a friend of mine says it “ha-GAH-dah” whereas I have always heard it as “huh-GUH-duh.” I was told that the first way is Hebrew, the second is Yiddish. Go fig. My fam-o is full of the Yiddish. The Hebrew, not so much.

Okay, this no bread thing is making me punchy. Let’s move on to today: Read More »