I guess that explains why Brian Corman was accepted into Columbia University four years ago.

Clearly, the guy was an amazing student while at CU; after all, he graduated valedictorian of his class.  And as everyone who went to high school knows, what does the valedictorian do while wearing a funny square hat and a long robe?  No, I’m not referring to the first time Smarty McSmartypants got drunk.  I’m actually referring to graduation day and the epic, heartfelt, wisdom-filled speech that is delivered by the class’ Numero Uno.

To send off his fellow classmates and wish them well in the great beyond, Corman stole a slew of lines from comedian Patton Oswalt.  On the day Columbia was handing him his diploma, and over something as insignificant as a joke in a speech, he plagiarized.  Oh, Corman, say it ain’t so.

I hope you’re with me, intelligent readers, in assuming this isn’t the first time he brazenly claimed others’ work as his own.  This is simply the first time he got caught.

Now, I was never valedictorian, so I don’t know exactly how to stir sentimentality with life lessons, but hang with me for a second.  I’d like to offer dear Corman a little look at the bright, shining future he can expect now that he’s a known collegiate criminal.

1. Unemployment
If 1.6 million recent grads can’t find work, being widely known (thank you, Internet) as the Class of 2010’s premier idiot isn’t going to help you.  Time to change your name and see Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon for a new look.

2. Forget Grad School
Think you want to go to graduate school while the dust from this disaster settles?  I don’t even think the YMCA will trust you taking a spin class, so forget an institution of higher education allowing you in.

3. Politics?
Where those with a shady past can rise to even shadier greatness.

4. Joke Lessons
Brian, if you were funny on your own, none of this would have happened.  Maybe brush up on your knock-knocks and one day you can charm your way out of a jail sentence.

Now, who wouldn’t love to delve into Mr. Corman’s previous undergrad papers and find out how many times he really sidestepped his morals to “earn” an A?