The event is going to be moderated by NBC’s Tom Brokaw, but instead of Tommy asking the questions, the debate will have a town hall format.

Which means the people get to ask the questions.

So, people of Nashville who will be sitting pretty in the town hall-y debate, if you are reading this, we have a few questions we’d like to ask the candidates. Real questions that require real answers instead of that fluff Gwen Ifill came up with (and Sarah Palin dodged) during the VP “debate.”

1. Honestly, do you think President Bush was qualified to run this country? If not, how does that make you feel now? How badly would you hate yourself if you lost?

2. Inquiring minds want to know: Peanut Butter Crunch or Crunch Berries?

3. If you could only change one thing during your term as President (and money was not an issue), what would it be?

4. When SNL makes fun of you, does it hurt?

5. Barack, do you really eat 4-6 eggs a day, or are you a p*ssy who only eats the whites?

6. Tell us, McCain, what have you learned from living through the Civil War, WW1, WW2, Vietnam and the current Iraq sitch?

7. Would you rather have George Bush walk in on you having sex, or walk in on he and Laura doin’ the naughty dance?

8. What would you do to Osama Bin Laden if you had him in your office right now (and no one was watching)?

9. Would you eat PB slices?

10. Do you really like holding babies/shaking people’s hands/hugging creepy strangers, or is it all an act?

11. You both claim to want to fix the current Global Warming problem, yet you both tool around this country on airplanes/in giant buses. How can you justify that?

12. Is there any money left in either of your budgets to help Amy Winehouse?

Unfortunately, your favorite pizza/ burrito/ burger/ neighborhood CVS closed 30 minutes ago and you are left to fend for yourself. Right. Because you could barely get your key in the front door, let alone boil water for some mac and cheese. (Mmmmm mac and cheeeeeese.)

Even a frozen pizza is much too difficult to figure out right now. Turn on an oven? To 350? Then wait 30 minutes? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Lucky for you, the food industry has been busy creating products for people on the go, which also happen to work quite well for people who are too-drunk-to-function. Yes, that would be you. Just stock up on any and all of these little guys and you are good to go when the Beer Pong tourny is over and you can’t remember your name (or how you made it home with one shoe and a missing bra…):

Uncrustables:

Because making a peanut and butter jelly sandwich requires you to find bread, find peanut butter, find jelly, and then use a sharp object. Uncrustables simply requires you to open your freezer. Done and done. Peanut butter and jelly bliss.

Peanut Butter Slices:

If frozen PB&J isn’t your thang, maybe a slice of peanut butter is better. Easy to slap between two pieces of bread? Absolutely. Gross? Totally. Not quite as gross when you are drunk and just need something to soak up all that Jaeger? Yes please!

Mac and Cheese Crackers:

Back in my day we had to pour water into a bowl with noodles and microwave it for 2 minutes if we wanted some late night Mac and Cheese. Oh the horror! Not anymore, people. Now if you are craving a cheesy post-bar delicacy, all you need to do is open a box. These crackers taste just like the real thing without all that pesky work. No measuring. No cooking. No waiting.

Bagelfuls:

Just like its cousin, the PB&J sandwich, the bagel and cream cheese is just really hard to master after hours of deblitating debauchery. Ever tried to cut a bagel sober? Yeah, hard enough. Thank you, Kraft! You took the work right out of this so drunk kids everywhere could carb up without fear of losing any fingers.

Cereal and Milk Bars:

Because we all love a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch after the bar, but can’t quite get the milk into the bowl/not all over the floor. Thankfully, General Mills fixed that problem by putting milk and cereal together into one delicious late night bar.

Now if only we could get some pre-packaged Vodka Tonics.