When the Oscar nominations come out every year, the biggest controversies usually revolve around the people who got snubbed, not those who actually got the nominations. This year, one of the biggest snubs was Michael Fassbender for Shame. He was nominated for a Critics’ Choice award and a Golden Globe, among others, but the Academy completely ignored him. Why? The LA Times thinks that Michael Fassbender’s penis ruined his chance at an Oscar. Really. It’s pretty well known that the Academy is a little stuffy, and they tend to be put off by racy scenes. So they may have overlooked Fassbender’s performance because of his full frontal nude scene.

Let’s face it – Michael Fassbender’s penis is a real problem. Here are a few more things that it has ruined.

You know how people are always making generalizations about men and their sexual prowess based entirely on cultural stereotypes? Well, someone finally got tired of it. In what I can only assume was an attempt to put all those rumors to rest (or a very interesting way to procrastinate doing real work), someone actually did a study to determine which nations were the most well endowed.

Ladies, I present to you The World Map of Penises. You can see the map here or head on over to the original site of this discovery for a larger version.  The U.S. falls somewhere right in the mid range, but China falling is short . (Haha.) And as for which country is the most well endowed? Well…

Anyone else suddenly planning a trip to Sudan?

My first boyfriend was uncircumcised. At the young, inexperienced age of fourteen, I realized this only because one day while chilling on the futon in the den having a post BJ-sesh chat, he informed me that some of the girls he had been with (because as a sixteen-year-old senior, he was far more sexually experienced than my freshman self) were initially freaked out by the au natural state of his Scottish-born ween. Huh, I remember thinking. He’s not circumcised. So THAT’s what that looks like.

It’s not like I was totally ignorant. I had been reading Seventeen and YM since I was nine. I knew all about hymens and G-spots and that you couldn’t get pregnant from a boy shooting his load into the open waters of a hot tub, so I certainly knew that some gents had foreskins and some did not; I just wasn’t really sure what that meant, anatomically.

I didn’t actually fully experience the difference between the two until about ten months later when my boyfriend and I were “on a break” and I hooked up with another boy, birthed in the good old U.S. of A. and fully shorn to prove it. As we sweatily made out on the couch, I jammed my hand in to his shorts, confidently grabbed a hold of his manparts, and…proceeded to give him the rawest handjob in the history of the earth.

For those of you who are lost, allow me to explain. On an uncircumcised boy, one can give some kind of an HJ without any sort of lube at all. Granted, as I have aged I have learned that some lube is certainly preferable to none in any case, but a fluid up and down motion causing some pleasurable sensations is achievable. But on the circumcised penis? Without the pliable sheath of the foreskin acting as a kind of…sleeve or whatever*, all that an unlubed HJ will achieve is some serious chafing and sad faces all around. Aww.

Since these initial awkward adolescent escapades, I have gained a world of experience in both the skinned and not skinned camps; in fact, I’d say of all the boys I’ve been with, about 40% are uncircumcised. Which is why it surprises me that many ladies I meet are not only ignorant to the ways of the shrouded wang but downright disturbed by it. Just last summer, a friend of mine was recounting her hookup from the night before and informed me that the kid was the first uncircumcised experience she had ever had and it was, “Really weird. I don’t think I liked it.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. “What do you mean?”

“I just kind of…creeped me out,” was her response.

Maybe I just meet penilely conservative girls, but I hear something to this effect pretty often. While I kicked off my sexual career with a UK wang where approximately 20% of males are circumcised, most ladies in the U.S. are hooking up with dudes from the U.S., where three out of four males are unsheathed. While the practice of circumcising boys has been on the decline in recent years, the pervasive notion in America is still that penises should not resemble the worms from Tremors.

So what of these turtlenecked organs? Are, they, in fact, inferior to naked ones? For years it was touted that being circumcised was more hygienic, made for a lower risk of STD contraction, and allows for greater sensation during sex. However, in 1999, the American Medical Association issued a statement saying that removal of an infant’s foreskin for any reason other than medical issues or ritualistic tradition is not necessary and not advised, and since then, the number of circumcisions performed annually has dropped by about 35%. Recent scientific studies have indicated that keeping the old skinjacket does not have any notable adverse effects on most guys, though there is some debate as to whether or not circumcision can help curb the spread of HIV in high-risk regions. However, here in Western civilization it seems that our notion that skin free is the way to be is merely a social construct.

And as for me? Well, I can’t say I’ve noticed much of a difference either way. Aside from the aforementioned HJ discrepancy, a penis is a penis is a penis as far as I’m concerned. Some are short, some long, some thick, some thin, some sheathed, some not. At the end of the day, I don’t think it matters much what it looks like; what matters is the dude attached to it and how he uses it.

*God, I hope my mother isn’t reading this.

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

“It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” – that’s the saying, anyway. But with the new season of Hung and the start of The Hard Times of RJ Berger, it seems like having a big dick is still a big deal – in entertainment-land anyway. The question is, does it really count for that much in the real world? Some of us have already weighed in on this age old issue, but all it takes is one look at the comments to see that we’re still a little divided.

In some ways, I think that for us, having a guy with a big ”pink oboe” (seriously, go Google “penis synonyms,” definite entertainment) is kind of the equivalent of the hot-twin-threesome fantasy guys have – it sounds hot in our minds, but probably isn’t nearly as awesome in real life. It’s gotten built up over the years through jokes and porn and since most of us have probably only had – or will have - experience with men in the average-size range, it has become a big fantasy thing that a huge” disco stick” is going to fulfill all of your sexual needs. In reality, sexual prowess has a lot more to do with skill than size…

…Up to a point. Sorry boys, hate to say it, but I think most of us (if we’re being brutally honest) can agree that size does matter, at least a little bit. It’s kind of like being in the NBA – once you’re tall enough to match the other players, it doesn’t really matter if you’re 6’4″ or 6’10,” that’s when skills start to come in to play; but you probably aren’t going to be shooting hoops with the pros if you’re only 5’6″. And you have to admit, most stereotypes do get started for a reason, so it’s not such a stretch (God, don’t go there) to think that maybe a big “love muscle” might really be good.

Time to sound off, girls! Do you really care what caliber a guy is packing or does marksmanship matter more (did that metaphor just fall apart?)? Is the big “beef whistle” thing just hype or do we just not know what we’re missing?

Duke it out!

Some call this a fail, we call it a total win.

Call us immature (it’s better than the other things people have been calling us), but this is funny. I mean, penis? On the front page of the newspaper? Ha! That’s funny! And genius.

But other people, more important people, do not agree.

Apparently it’s a yearly tradition at the University of Utah for the senior journalists to have a little fun with the final publication of the year. So rather than just doing the corny goodbye with the inside jokes that no one gets, this year’s seniors decided to use their writing and formatting skills to spell out c*nt and penis on the front page.

Unfortunately, the administration didn’t ROTFL like we did. Instead, they HTDOTPIAWLTG (held the diplomas of the people involved and won’t let them graduate).

Day-ummmm. Who’s running that school, The Grinch? What do those admin peeps have against penises? And hilarity?

Whatever. We say screw graduation — it’s boring anyways. Frame that last newspaper column and hang it proudly above your future work desk.

Fact: These boys aren't from Alaska

You know when you meet a great guy and you really hit it off? Everything is going swimmingly and you’re starting to imagine the wedding and the kids and the white picket fence, when you reach between his legs and… womp, womp, womp… all your dreams come crashing down.

It turns out that your tube of Nars Orgasm lipstick is bigger than what that dreamboat is packing. And you had no idea.

Disappointment and shame to follow.

Well, women of the world rejoice! Manhunt Daily has offered you salvation. Now instead of asking guys their star sign to see if you’ll jive, you can learn all you need to by simply finding out where they were born.

Manhunt compiled a list of the states in order of largest to smallest average penis size. And topping the charts at a whopping 7.59 inches is Washington, D.C.!  That’s fitting; it takes some big cajones to run this country, and now it’s been confirmed that they got they’ve got the joystick to match.

New York came in second at 7.50 inches, which truly shocked me. All this time I thought city guys were just overcompensating for what they were lacking in their nether regions. But as it turns out, they may be lying about their bloated bank accounts, but they have a right to be cocky about their cocks.

Coming in last at a small, but still respectable, 6.34 inches is Alaska. But what else did you expect? Imagine jumping into a freezing cold swimming pool every day when you step outside. One word: Shrinkage.

The days of wondering and worrying about what your man has going on under his jeans are over. The next time you meet a man from Delaware (#49 on the list) with an in-your-face bulge happening down below, expect to find an extra sock or two once the clothes come off.

But just remember, it’s not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean that counts, ladies.

Airbrushing away fat and cellulite for a woman’s magazine? Bad.
As we all know, it sets unrealistic beauty expectations, promotes disordered eating and leaves some models/celebs looking unrecognizable.

But airbrushing away a flacid penis on a football player in spandex pants? Well, maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Readers of Sporting News Today got a little more peen than they bargained for in this spread with Joe Cox (tee hee), quarterback for the Georgia Bulldogs.

Not sure how anyone missed this, but maybe next time Mr. (Soft) Cox should consider a cup on and off the field….

Foreskin may be the only uncharted territory Americans have no desire to conquer. In our country, circumcision is common enough that a foreskin-free penis is the expectation, but elsewhere, that’s hardly the case. Though it remains the most common elective operation globally, the majority of men in the world don’t undergo it. Surprised? Dismayed? Completely alarmed that you can no longer take a European lover?

Don’t be.

The ever-proper Charlotte York may have once compared an uncut penis to a shar pei, but there’s no reason why you should be repulsed by foreskin.

Countless girlfriends of mine cringe at the thought of penises au natural, but my own varied sexual experiences have familiarized me with the lesser known peen and I’m on a mission to demystify it. Here’s some good news to start: uncut penises are pretty much the same as their counterparts. And yet, Americans and those with less colorful sexual pasts continue to treat foreskin as something of an anomaly and even a defect. I’ve isolated foreskinphobia into a few easily identifiable (and refutable) myths:

Foreskin is dirty. Female anatomy doesn’t exactly have the best reputation as far as smell is concerned, but it’d be ludicrous if a guy refused to sleep with me because he questioned my ability to clean myself. Since one would hope most men have mastered basic hygiene by the time they’re sexually active, concerns over cleanliness (or lack thereof) are mostly overblown or based on myths. An uncut penis is no dirtier than the alternative. If anything, guys with foreskin learn more about hygiene at an earlier age and are taught to be conscientious about cleaning themselves. And if hygiene really is an issue? Blame the man, not the foreskin. It’s not like his penis is actively opposing a shower.

Foreskin is ugly. This is a completely subjective opinion, so I can’t exactly debunk it, but attractiveness of genitalia is really in the eye/mouth/hand of the beholder. I’m personally indifferent to how penises look. An erect penis is far more aesthetically pleasing than a thumb, for example, but I’d still rather look into my boyfriend’s eyes than in his pants.   Ultimately, though, we shouldn’t subject our partners’ genitalia to our visual preferences. After all, as much as I like my own vagina, I don’t expect anyone else to be enthralled by it, nor do I think I should be judged on the basis of its appearance. If the presence of some extra skin is enough to dissuade you from ever pursuing a sexual relationship with a guy, then god forbid he actually have a physical defect, like an entire extra toe.

Foreskin puts you at risk for STIs. Some studies have shown a significant reduction in HIV transmission rates among circumcised men. So why isn’t the global medical community suggesting that men get snipped en masse?  For starters, these studies were done in extremely high-risk areas in Africa. Research in developed countries, such as Australia, has shown no difference in HIV transmission rates. Further, though the men in these studies were less likely to get HIV, their partners weren’t. Circumcision only improves the odds for the penetrative partners while those being penetrated (whether they were male or female) experienced the same rates of infection as partners of uncircumcised men. But more importantly, just because a guy has been circumcised doesn’t mean that you should forgo a condom. Ultimately, prevention of STIs depends on personal responsibility, not a decades’ old decision made by your partner’s parents.

All of the above seems pretty obvious, yet an American cultural bias against foreskin persists. The most feasible explanation, in my opinion,  is probably the following:

Foreskin is foreign. I mean that literally and figuratively. In the rest of the world, uncut is the norm. The great majority of European boys get to keep their foreskin. In the U.K., only 4 percent are circumcised every year. Even our northern neighbor, Canada, frowns upon the practice. (The Canadian Pediatric Society has stated officially that it doesn’t recommend routine circumcision unrelated to religious or cultural practices). The story’s quite different in the States, where 83 percent of American male infants born in the 1980s  — the majority of my sexual history — were circumcised. (That rate has declined to 55 percent in recent years.)

These seemingly meaningless numbers are actually quite significant. They mean that uncut penises remain foreign entities for many Americans. So perhaps what really bothers us is not hygiene, disease, or aesthetic underappreciation but rather, a lack of familiarity. Given how intimidated some of my friends are when face-to-face with a penis, it’s no surprise that they’re aghast upon encountering one that looks unlike all others before it.

Just remember: a penis is still a penis and friction is still your ally. Sure, your handjob or blowjob technique may have to undergo slight adjustments, but the end goal (and the way to reach it) remains the same. A couple inches of skin shouldn’t stand in the way of anyone’s pleasure, including your own.

Not gonna lie…this summer hasn’t been the friskiest for me. And I know this may sound creepy, but I feel like that guy from Superbad when he’s telling his friend that as a kid he went through a stage where he just couldn’t stop drawing penises. They were just, like, always on his mind.

So maybe it’s because of my dry spell or whatever, but for some reason, penises are just always on my mind lately, too. And since I’m not getting in me any time soon, I might as well look elsewhere to fill my penis void. Turns out, there is plenty of peen out there.

The Penis Bowl: “Take it and pass it” doesn’t sound quite as slutty with this guy.

Penis Soap: Yes, you can feel clean after you interact with one.

The Penis Pillow: Softer is better.

The Penis Cake: My two favorite things together as one.

The Penis Vase: If I can’t put a peen in my flower, I’ll put a flower in my peen.

The Dong Bong: Oh, when it hits your lips…

So you’re on your way to Sexy Town with your boy. There is heavy petting, clothes are flying around the room and you’re reeling to go when – oh no – he can’t…do it. He keeps trying to get things working, but it’s too late. The moment (and erection) is lost.

He’s embarrassed and, if you’re anything like me, you’re confused. Is it something you did? Something you said? The way you look? WTF?

Why does this happen? And how often? Is it him or you? More importantly, is it permanent?! There are so many questions and only one person who can answer them: the boy. But it’s not like you’re going to turn to him after his moment of defeat and ask, “What’s the deal with Mr. Limpy?” So, I got the next best thing: my favorite dude.