In this episode, the Lohans FINALLY get to Vegas! They didn’t fly there in a private jet though, which I’m gonna admit was a bit of a let down (I expected some major control issues and perhaps Dina’s debut as a pilot), and there was no liquor fueled dramz. While the episode was age appropriately absent of hard booze, it was heavy on the whine.

For some reason, Ali chooses to adopt an even more nasally tone for this 25 minute tribute to ungratefulness. She complains in this obnoxious tantrum pending voice about all of the trials life has delivered to her. Like the fact that she, her awesome brother and (arguably) cool mom have to live in a tricked out penthouse at the Palms while she records her album. I guess it gets pretty taxing when you’re attending all of these exhausting “Welcome to Vegas!” parties (with delicious looking cake) thrown just for you by the f*#king Maloufs.

Ugh, sorry about that. Anyways, Dina introduces Ali (who is wearing a gorgeous but way too mature minidress) to a bunch of important 30 something guys that she wants Ali to “get comfortable with.” Dina baby, they’re mentally undressing your 14 year old — not very comfort inducing, I would say. The men all flirt with Ali while she fidgets, present her the aforementioned cake (note to self, go buy something with chocolate as soon as I’m done writing) and begin an episode long tradition of complimenting Ali and promising her she’s the next big thing. Read More »

I do lots of things with my mom. We shop together (she’s never been one to shy away from telling me what makes me look fat), we go to movies (and usually leave pissed because one won’t stop talking through the entire thing which angers the other), we even recommend books to each other. But one thing we’ll never do together? Make porn.

Suze and Holly Randall have been taking dirty pictures, and making dirty movies, together for years, and see no reason to be ashamed or weirded out by what they do.

“When I first started doing it, I’d be sitting there watching people having sex, and I’d think, ‘Yeah, that looks good.’ Then I’d look over, see my mother, and think, ‘This is really weird if you think about it,’ “ Holly told a reporter from the Village Voice last April, “But then again, normalcy is relative, and for us it works.” Read More »

Ohh, burlesque, how I love you. You’re just like porn, but with a sense of humor. You twirl scarves and finger fringe and lolligag in giant champagne glasses. You skip to Stealers Wheel and swivel hips to Johnny Hawksworth. You toss horn-rimmed glasses asunder and let down your hair before tearing buttons from blouses and revealing boned corsets. You’re such a tortuous tease!

And speaking of teasing, what about your current spokeswoman, Dita Von Teese? You couldn’t have picked a better representative for your culture. A 22” waist – which can be laced down to a 16 incher – with raven hair and milk skin… all she needs is seven or so dwarves and she’d be Snow White incarnate.

That said, I am devastated to see that she has crossed that delicate, seemingly ineffable line between bare burlesque and pure pornography. After spending years leaving just enough to our imaginations, she has spread her legs for the latest issue of Penthouse. The fantasy has been destroyed. Meh.

At least she still looks beautiful.

What do you think about Dita Von Teese al’ natural?