Some of these might surprise you….

Add a little color to that neutral wardrobe.

Whoa, look at Jillian Michaels in high school.

Holy crap! Look at those abs!

Padma Lakshmi’s got interesting taste in men.

WTF happened to Jeremy  London?

By now everyone and their mother (including my mother, who called and asked me who “this bimbo is”) has seen the photos of Heidi Montag’s latest foray into Barbie-ville published in People magazine. But no matter how many times I look at this – and I literally stared at it for 10 minutes until my eyes started to water last night – it still blows my mind.

WTF?!

Why would anyone want boobs like that?
Is she trying to look as artificial as possible?
In her quest for “perfection,” did she ever consider fixing things on the inside?
How much did this cry for attention cost her?

Seriously, if it weren’t for those long, bony fingers of hers, I’m not sure I’d even recognize her anymore. Too bad even 10 plastic surgery procedures won’t help Heidi’s music “career.”

At least according to People magazine.

A new job for Tiger Woods?

Is Kevin Jonas getting married this weekend?

Chris Henry’s untimely death is all sorts of messed up.

So that’s how Victoria Beckham stays so trim.

Bring on the Kardashian baby-daddy drama!

Paris Hilton is giving up her partying ways. Again.

Oklahoma not really into a woman’s right to choose.

Jennifer Hudson shows off her new son.

Do you fart in front of your guy?

Michael Vick gets a reality show!?

10 rules of the pick-up.

So as I spent another long summer day mourning the loss of LC from my biggest guilty pleasure (yeah, I’m still not over it), a promo for a new MTV show, House of Jazmin, caught my eye. I don’t really get the spelling of her name, but Jaz is young, cute, and bound to have messy, dramatic hookups every week…

It’s no LC, but can Jazmin be the new reality superstar sent to fill the void The Hills has left in my heart?

Maybe we should first establish the fact that no one will ever be able to fill the very chic shoes of Lauren Conrad. As a reality star, she was God. Not too much of a pushover, but not too catty. A serial dater, providing endless opportunities for me to indulge my monogamous self in first date after first date with sexy, California men. And she chose perfect friends, as they gave her loyal friendship for just long enough to have me invested in the relationship… before completely betraying her and shattering both of our hearts.

I think you get the picture; I was basically living an imaginary life as Lauren Conrad’s best friend. (Cry during the Audrina/ LC fight scene with mascara tears…me? Noooo…)

It’s with this LC obsession that I now come upon Jazmin. I’ll admit, there’s potential. She’s bound to run into her share of Kelly Cutrone’s, and watching her get eaten alive may generate sympathy with which I may become invested in her climb to success. But before Jazmin can move in as the LC of MTV’s fall lineup, there are a couple of things about this show that have got to be adjusted.

First of all, the family has got to go. I want to see drama, I want to see hookups; I don’t want to see Jazmin running home to mommy and discussing her problems over a home-cooked meal. And enough with the good girl gone business woman. Have that BFF of hers get a little promscuous,  sleep with Jazmin’s boyfriend backstage at a fashion show and then you’ll have me hooked.

I mean, how will she ever finish her line when she is betrayed and heartbroken?

And I’m sure MTV will come through for me. They always do. So, I’m gonna give the show a chance. Jazmin will learn soon enough that to become a successful designer today you don’t have to be a fashion genius; you have to become a paparazzi-hunted socialite (with a sex tape!) whose daily adventures grace the covers of People. After that people will go out and buy a paper bag if it has your name sewn on the inside.

What do you think? Is Jazmin bound to be a hit or will she fail miserably as an LC wannabe? Come back tomorrow to hash it all out after episode numero uno.

For times like those, magazines are the way to go (plus, who doesn’t like perfume samples and grocery coupons?). But you don’t want to waste your money on just any magazine; you want the one that will give you the most (gossip) bang for your buck.

So which ones are best? I scoured the grocery store check-out aisles for candy bars the top dogs in gossip magazines and here are my rankings:

People

This is definitely the cream of the crop, in terms of the amount of coverage, story quality, and reliability. It seems to actually like the people it talks about, showing amazing weight loss stories more than gains, and cute bikini pictures more than cellulite. Since it’s the most popular one and the most sympathetic towards its subjects, the stars are more willing to give interviews and send exclusive baby pictures that aren’t found elsewhere. The writers only print what they can back up with hard facts and legitimate sources, and always have a few pages of deeper articles, like “Real Heroes Among Us.” Sometimes, though, the articles are a bit too long for relaxed beach-reading material, and sometimes are a little depressing compared to the more fun and trashy mags.
Overall Score: 9

Us Weekly

If People is king, then Us Weekly is his lovely queen. I love the features like, “Stars- They’re Just Like Us!” or the snarky comments in the “Fashion Police.” Even though the articles are pretty shallow and not particularly well-written, they’re always fun and entertaining (meaning no deaths or disasters). And just like People, they’re pretty high in reliability and have the latest photos in the business.
Overall Score: 8

Star

This ugly duckling has transformed from a dirt-grubbing tabloid (National Enquirer, anyone?) to a certified glossy. Although it lacks the reliability of the top performers, Star is always a fun read that’s filled with attention-grabbing headliners, always accentuated with exclamation points. Titles like “Scariest Hollywood Makeovers!” and varying back-page features like “Public Displays of Consumption” (huh?) offer a wide breadth of topics, but don’t exactly have the most flattering pictures or correct information. Details…
Overall Score: 6

In Touch

Basically the poor man’s version of Us Weekly, and not even close in terms of credence and quality. The stories are kind of bland, tend to be more inaccurate, and the picture quality isn’t even very good. The only time you would want to buy this is if you only had $2 to spend, or if all the other magazines were sold out and you were about to get on a really long plane ride and had absolutely nothing else to do. Even then, though, I’d rather spend my money on Sour Patch Kids and read the back of the box.
Overall Score: 3

Do you have any favorites on the shelves? Or do you prefer to read juicy celebrity gossip online? Lemme know!

So this is how the whole swine flu thing started.

Thank god we don’t live in Boston.

Will Chris Brown go free?

Hef wants Holly back. Obvi.

Looks like The Real World: Cancun isn’t happening…

Makeup for your skin.

Hilary Duff does SVU.

20 colleges worth the price.

Save money and give yourself a massage.

Dog poops money?

Octomom = Octo-stripper?

Most boring NCAA tournament ever?

The easiest way to tone those legs.

More women getting pierced…down there.

Rehab that fried hair.

There could be some little Paris Hiltons running around soon.

She is the All American Girl, Goldie Hawn’s daughter and my ultimate girl crush. Who is she? Kate Hudson!

My feelings for Kate began to blossom the first time I saw her in Almost Famous and now it’s a full-blown love affair. She has it all: beauty, talent and that precious boy, Ryder Robinson. She steals the show in every movie she’s in from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days to Fool’s Gold.

You almost want to hate her perfect hair, skin and wardrobe, but you can’t! Kate Hudson is the America’s sweetheart and you can’t help but want to sit on a couch and eat takeout with her.

Hudson is sweet and cheery, and that bubbly personality is what draws us to this peppy blonde. In reality I think we could call her our modern day Barbie. She is the blonde babe that every man is after, luring in Chris Robinson, Owen Wilson, Dax Shepard and Lance Armstrong. And why not? This girl has the hottest bod goin’ and she’s made it abundantly clear that she got it the healthy way.

In January she was voted best dressed by Vogue, just another reason why I love her. Her bohemian-yet-glamourous style is totally her own, and she pulls it off perfectly. And it’s not just Vogue (and me, her biggest fan) that thinks so; her style and beauty have been flaunted for years on the cover of magazines from People to Elle.

But, the best and coolest thing about Kate Hudson is that she isn’t some pampered, spoiled star; she actually gives back to the community. Kate started participating in community service projects before 1997 when she graduated from Santa Monica’s Crossroads School. She’s not just doing good deeds because she’s famous – she’s doing them because she cares.

I heart Kate Hudson. For her beauty, style, soul…and for being the cutest mom around.

As far as men go, few come as manly as Harrison Ford. The legendary actor has starred in two epic sagas (as Hans Solo in Star Wars and as the title character in the Indiana Jones series), playing some of cinema’s favorite alpha-male roles with grit and wry humor. I’ve seen him stare death in the face more times than I can count, and his iron resolve is just about the sexiest effing thing in the galaxy.

But while Harrison has been a bona-fide movie star for over 30 years, no film of his could ever compare to his gold-standard portrayal of the Commander in Chief in Air Force One. If I had to estimate, I would say I’ve seen AFO over 20 times. The film has it all: cheesy dialogue, crazed Russian political zealots, fighter jets, and my boy Harrison grunting, “Get off my plane!” while choking a villain to death (auto-erotic asphyxiation, anyone?).  I honestly began dating someone in high school because we both loved Air Force One. Seriously. (The boyfriend and I parted ways, but I still love ol’ Harry.)

Harrison’s newest flick (opening today in theaters) is Crossing Over, about immigrants in Los Angeles, and co-stars Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd. Something tells me that I can expect to see my favorite silver fox’s steely gaze make me weak in the knees, regardless of what happens in the film. The man practically has a contract clause that stipulates he must play the strongest, most virile character in any film (and at age 66, he’s the only actor I know of who can pull it off with aplomb).

Speaking of contracts, Harrison hasn’t signed marriage papers with longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Though the 1998 People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive has been twice wedded before, he hasn’t taken the plunge this time around. Perhaps he knows there’s a sprightly young gal like myself ready to eff? I can dream!