Upon meeting Heidi’s dad on last night’s episode of The Hills, I expected a little more from MTV. For instance, I expected a scene out of some sort of Western movie where Mr. Montag walks through swinging saloon doors, gives Spencer a look and then does some fancy moves with the gun in his holster as a tumbleweed blows by.

Instead I got some BS brunch at a Hollywood eatery where Spencer tripped over his words as he attempted to impress the Cowboy. Words that Heidi’s dad most definitely did not understand. So, Cowboy Montag, if you are reading this right now, I’d like to take this opportunity to translate that mumbo jumbo that came out of Pretty Boy Pratt’s mouth so maybe you can stop this wedding before it happens. Oh wait…. Well, at least you’ll know what he was talking about.

What Spencer Said: “So I say to this guy, ‘you’d really do this?’ and he gets in my face and he’s like, ‘yeah, you know, what are you gonna do?’ and that’s when I, you know, massaged his face a little bit… lightly.”

What That Means: “I punched someone for telling Heidi I was doing something wrong. And I’m an a$$hole. Please don’t shoot me.”

But the Cowboy doesn’t shoot him (aw shucks!); instead, he gives him permission to marry Heidi. Could it be that he actually likes Spencer (yeah right), or is it more likely that he wants Heidi to stop tarnishing the pure “Montag” name and start ruining someone else’s legacy?

Spencer doesn’t want anyone to change their minds so he off and runs to get Heidi a ring. A giant ring.
A ring that weighs more than the girl (even with that giant weave and those duck lips). A ring that he could obviously afford with that great job of his. Oh, he doesn’t have a job? So Heidi’s engaged/married to MTV? Sounds about right.

Not that I saw the engagement coming. I mean, I had no idea those two even got married! I wish they covered this couple a bit more. It’s just hard when they hate the media so much.  When Spencer took Heidi to the top of the ferris wheel I was kinda hoping for a double dive into the cement below.
Especially after Heidi called him SPENCEY.

Too bad all I got was a marriage proposal.

Oh yeah, other things happened this episode, too. Lauren fired Steph from her job, and while she looked like she was upset (or trying really hard to seem that way), Steph was far more concerned with the guy from the White Tie Affair to really focus on anything job-related. And good job MTV for the smooth band placement in the episode. Is this the next hot band we’re supposed to fall in love with?

Perhaps they’ll be playing at the Speidi wedding. How romantic.

After watching some weird 80’s flashback episode of Gossip Girl, I was hoping for something a little more…er… modern entertaining when it came to The Hills last night. And besides that weird sequins headband thingy that Steph wore (and that I also wore in 1994 to a dance recital) MTV came through for me once again.

Unlike last week’s episode where nothing really happened, there was a whole lot of action last night. And everyone was at work! This is only the 2nd time we’ve seen anyone working this season. The cast has been too busy jet-setting to get anything done and I really sorta forgot that people in L.A. even have jobs. I figured they just celebrated birthday parties, went clubbing and stayed in fancy resorts in Hawaii year round.

Anyways, people were working. And people, lots of people, were getting the boot.

First there was Steph who chose a lunch date over her job responsibility. Now, I’m sure Steph is good at some things in her life (like causing drama and doing drugs), but having a job isn’t one of them. I mean, isn’t she an intern? Since when do interns get lunch breaks? When I was interning last summer I had to ask permission to pee. And one time that permission wasn’t granted and I had a little, mini, teeny, tiny accident in my pants. The girl was all worried about wearing a professional heel to work, yet she’s not nearly as worried about actually getting her job done. WTF, Steph!?

Then there was Stacie, who randomly had Heidi’s cell phone number and interrupted her busy work week (she really needed a manicure!) by asking her to come to her dirty bar. At first I wasn’t sure why she wanted to have a conversation with Heidi while she was working….in front of other people…. but then I realized she probably wanted witnesses in case Heidi started pulling her hair. Or going all Tony Soprano on her. But that’s not the point. The point is that Stacie doesn’t think Spencer is “worth it.” Personally, I don’t think Spencer is worth anything, but what is Stacie talking about? They aren’t friends! Fighting over Spencer isn’t costing either of them anything, so why does she care to put the situation behind her?

The last kid to get kicked to the curb (where I’m pretty sure he sleeps at night) was Justin Bobby. And I have one thing to say: FINALLY! I was actually pretty proud of Audrina for sitting down and just saying her peace. I’ve been there, honey, and while I think JB looks like a sidewalk dweller, I know how it is to be sucked back in by a guy that you love. So way to be, Audrina! And way to make him chase you. And way to make him say ridiculous things like, “Yeah you go through your little gates.” It made me laugh. He was just so angry!

Let’s just hope JB doesn’t make any cameos the rest of the season. And let’s hope Steph goes apesh*t when Lauren fires her. Oh, and maybe sometime in the near future Spencer Pratt might start rapping?! Ugh. Who woulda thought that would be the one to come true?!

Tonight was a pretty stellar night. First, I worked out next to a total hottie on the elliptical (but didn’t muster up the courage in my sweaty ‘beater to say anything), then I came home and watched an AMAZING episode of Gossip Girl while eating an ice cream sandwich, and then Spencer and Heidi went to therapy.

When I die, I hope heaven is this good.

A lot of little things happened on tonight’s episode of The Hills. There was the budding romance between Audrina and Brody, or, more likely, MTV trying to make it seem like some big thing that will ultimately end with nothing ever happening. There was Stephanie being a giant moron at People’s Revolution where we learn she can’t answer phones and she doodles when people yell at her (probably because she can’t turn to coke and heroin anymore).

But those were only an appetizer to the delicious drama that was served up next.

Like Jusin Bobby making a return to the scene with a new shorter ‘do and bushier beard. What’s not new: his obsession with ugly hats. Oh and his deep life lessons: “Do you know how quick our life is here on earth?”
I’m not really sure how that made any sense in the context of the “you don’t treat me well” conversation with Audrina, but I guess I never expect that dirtball to make any sense. Audrina, on the other hand, falls right into dirty-finger-nailed grasp and is immediately taken with him again.

I just don’t get it. Besides the fact that this kid is awful and disgusting and dirty, Audrina literally goes from “It would never work” chat with Sleazy T to “I’m crazy in love with you” with JB. Seriously, all she did was turn her head. I know the girl isn’t the brighest bulb, but is it possible that turning her head shook her brain clean like an Etch-a-Sketch? One minute she’s all about being single, then – shake, shake, shake – she just wants Justin back.

Maybe those two just need a little extra nudge. No, not from Brody; from Speidi’s couples therapist!

Not that I understand why a couple of 25-year-olds really need a therapist. I always thought that couple therapy was for old married couples that just don’t have that spark anymore, not for people still making money off of a teen drama on MTV. At this point in our lives, if your relationship isn’t working, you don’t get a therapist, you just break up, get drunk and hook up with other people, then realize how much you miss the other person and go back.

And even if that wouldn’t work for Speidi, it’s not like this woman could. She’s a therapist, not a de-douch-bagger. There is nothing on this planet that will change Spencer – not even a Beverly Hills therapist.

We’ll just have to wait and see how that all turns out.
Who knows? Maybe the entire crew will be sitting on that couch next week after the girls crash the Hawaii surf party. That would just be icing on my (fat-free) Hills cake.

Please let me take a moment to apologize for a lack of recap on last week’s season premier. I left DVRing up to my mother while I watched MSU get slaughtered in the NCAA championship…. And then came home to find out she doesn’t know how to DVR. (She then backed into my car in the driveway the next morning, which is why I am no longer coming home for Passover. Ruin my life once, shame on me. Ruin my life twice… well, you know the rest.)

The double feature was amazing (the boat party, the trip to Crystal Butte, Spencer throwin’ punches) and I am super grateful that MTV likes to show everything 42 times in a week.  Though I still do not forgive my mother.

Anyways, last night’s episode – while not quite as action packed as last week – was also pretty, pretty good. I always love an awkward interaction and boy did we get it when Stephanie applied for a job with People’s Revolution. Granted, I would be crapping my pants if I had to interview with Kelly Cutrone (her teeth are scarier than her ‘tude), but I would also make sure my resume was perfection before I walked through the door. I would also probably learn the difference between “professional attire” and doing my hair like a meth addict.

But that’s just me.

Kelly took one look at Steph, then chewed her up with those fangs and spit her out.  She doesn’t like Steph, but I think that’s why she hired her. That bitch loves to cut people up, and I can’t wait to see what she does to poor Ms. Pratt.  Although, it can’t be worse than dealing with Spence, right?

Speaking of Spencer, the other major dramz in the episode was with Speidi. Heidi returns to LA from visiting Mama Pratt and immediately starts fighting with the Bearded Spencer. I have to ask: does anyone else notice that when Heidi leaves town Spencer grows a beard? Do you think maybe shaving his face is a couples activity? Ew.

So, Heidi’s back and the couple starts fighting and Spencer acts like a baby. He leaves and decides to “hit the clubs” with his mustached, 40-year-old-looking friend…and the bartender. Heidi and Steph decide to do a little recon work and go to every bar in the city that might be cool that night. Weird! They found him on the first try!

“Oh my gosh, you’re right. He’s here.” Best acting ever, Heidi. So, there is confrontation and name calling (“slut,” “crazy,” “home-wrecker”), but much to my dismay, there is no platinum-weave-pulling.

Heidi spends the night on Steph’s couch and wakes up really distraught about the whole thing….with a lot of perfect makeup on. Now, I’ve slept in my makeup post bar hundreds of times, so I know what that’s like, but I wake up with mascara smeared down my cheek and the bar stamp from my hand rubbed off on my chin. Her hair does look a little like a hot mess, though, so there’s that.

Steph tells Heidi to try therapy. Heidi, who told Spencer never to call her again, meets him for some grub and tells him again never to call her again before she teeters off into the distance with her after-sex hair and way-too-tall heels.

And curtain!
Whew! What an episode! I had lost faith in MTV not-so-reality shows after The City premiered, but, DAYUM, The Hills is so good. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, MTV. Never again.

And she uses that knowledge well.

What I love about Whitney’s style is that she’s not afraid to take risks; she mixes and matches trends and gives them her own personal take. She’s also a big fan of fun & flirty dresses and she’s not afraid to go for bright, over-the-top colors and prints. (Although, it’s not hard to look good when you are already blessed with perfect hair, flawless skin and zero percent body fat.) She does a great job of pairing “louder” accessories and/or shoes with simple frocks, and when it’s time to glam it up, she picks classic gowns with a modern edge, the perfect look for an early-twenties girl.

Adding to her personal wardrobe, no matter where Whitney is going or what she’s wearing she never overdoes it with her hair and makeup. She most often keeps her beautiful blonde locks loose and wavy, and her makeup always looks natural and beautiful. Whitney knows her stuff when it comes to looking great and is a Style Idol to young women everywhere.

Good news, Hills fans!

Rumors are circling that MTV will be adding yet another spin-off to the ever popular series. I know you, like me, are all waiting in eager anticipation for the premier of Bromance, but get ready to add somethin’ else to the DVR.

For those of you who l-o-v-e the drama, but are so o-v-e-r Lauren Conrad, get ready: Whitney Port will be getting her very own show.

Us Weekly reports that Whit’s new gig will focus on her “job” at People’s Revolution and will (finger’s crossed) include a whole lot of the signature Kelly Cutrone bitch-tackular-ness.

I love Whitney’s style and laid back nature, but the girl really doesn’t bring much to the table in terms of personality. She is like a nice block of tofu, picking up the flavor of whatever is around her (albeit, in some pretty fantastic clothes). It’s a good thing, then, that MTV will be surrounding her with some spicy characters, mainly Cutrone, or this show will be bo-ring.

No word yet on when the show will begin taping.

Also, no word on when MTV will launch, Cleaning Up: Justin Bobby’s Battle with Sobriety…and Taking a Shower, but I have a feeling it isn’t too far off.

Photo courtesy of Yuddy Style

Last night’s episode of The Hills was a total snoozer. Seriously; I fell asleep during that dumb Alicia Key’s during-the-commercial show. Poor Alica; you have such a beautiful voice, but your acting skills are so…well…stick to singing, my dear.

Anyways, I really had to force myself to stay awake. Which was especially difficult considering the fact that I need at least 2 glasses of wine to ease my anxiety so Heidi’s face, and attempts at showing emotion, don’t give me nightmares.

The show started with Heidi and Audrina meeting up for lunch. That sneaky little lady; she tells Lauren that she would never be friends with Heidi again and there she goes snacking on a sandwich and chatting it up with her behind Lauren’s back. Then she agrees to meet up with Heidi for “Ladies Night,” after making a really weird “I am not sure I want to do this/I can’t handle those lips, Heidi” face.

Ladies Night ends up being a huge debacle – or total success, in terms of adding a little excitement to the episode – as Spencer decides to go out to the same freaking bar like a little pansy and flirt with girls to make Heidi jealous. But Heidi isn’t really mad until she finds out he’s taking shots with the ladies. SHOTS?!? SHOTS!! I am not sure why shots are a bigger deal than if Spencer bought those girls any other cocktail on the menu, but it was enough to make Heidi shake with anger. And talk about it non stop with anyone who would listen (or, like Audrina, were forced to listen).

Spence and Heidi meet up the next day to talk things out…in Spencer’s car. Well, Spencer doesn’t really get to do much talking, but he is there to take the verbal beating from Barbie. I sort of felt bad for the kid. How is it fair that Heidi gets to dictate the parameters of the relationship and Spencer’s life? How can she go out with the girls and make him sit home and wait for her to be ready to be back with him again? The kid is clearly depressed – he’s living with his sister who is totally stuck in the 80’s and eating turkey sandwiches while his ex hits the town. It is natural that he want some answers, and we all know we’ve resorted to similar immature tactics (like flirting with other guys at the bar to make someone jealous) before.

In the end I just want to see them get back together so A) we don’t have to watch them fight anymore, B) because they are the only people on earth who would want one another and C) so they can make more fine music together.

And that pretty much covers all the interesting stuff that happened; besides Lauren helping out at People’s Revolution and behind the scenes at a fashion show. Which makes me wonder: are these models that dumb that they can’t seem to stay in line or know who is supposed to be walking before them? Is it really necessary to have both Lauren and Whitney back there?

And is yelling at models and telling them to go that difficult that it would really knock Cutrone’s socks off? I knew how to get in line in 1st grade. Why am I still working at a boring office job? Enjoy your fabulous life, Lauren. I think I may sort of be starting to hate you.

Make sure you watch next week, friends; Justin Bobby is making his return. Ugly hats, facial hair and inappropriate gas emissions included.

[Yes, LC, we realize this Hills update is late. No need to make that "holding corn chips incredulously" move of yours. This week sucked for your dear editor. I apologize. Now, on to the awesomeness...]

Yesterday I had a serious case of the Mondays. Even the Boston Creme donut I had didn’t make me feel any better. Or the giant sale on Bloomingdales.com (but I may not feel the good vibes from that until my brand new jacket arrives in the mail!). I was ready to retire to bed with a cup of tea and a good book until I remembered something awesome: The Hills is back. I have gotten so used to Mondays without my blonde and super tan frenemies that I nearly forgot. I turned on the TV and was blessed with even more good news: TWO EPISODES!

It was like the clouds parted and the sun began to shine.

Two full episodes means there is a lot of ground to cover. I took three pages of notes! Sure, a lot of that includes, “What the hell is Stephanie wearing on her head?” and, “Heidi looks like she wants to cry right now – she is trying so hard – but her face just…won’t….move.” But so much happened!

There is no way I can really discuss everything I want to – like Heidi and Spencer’s fight over who paid for which super-sized flat screen – so here is a brief rundown of the happenings on episodes dos and tres of The Hills. Sort of a Cliff’s Notes guide to last night’s drama.

Whitney decides to leave Teen Vogue and take up an opportunity working for People’s Revolution. Her first interview with Kelly Cutrone made me realize that that Devil does not wear Prada – the Devil wears black and doesn’t wash her hair. Cutrone is constantly reminding Whitney of the hellish life she has gotten herself into, which makes me wonder if Whitney looks just like some bitch that made Cutrone’s high school experience a nightmare. And now she’s getting her back.

Lauren is all sad about her pending long distance relationship with Whitney, so she decides to hit Les Deux (because it is the only club in LA, apparently) with Audrina. Obviously, Brody shows up. Obviously, there is drama because they both read Us Weekly and heard about each others’ trysts while apart. Not-so-obviously, Frankie has some weird 1988 fade going on with his hair. Lauren and Brody both act like children because they refuse to tell each other their feelings and that is the end of that. To which I say to you, Lauren: stop being such a brat and talk to the kid. No one finds this charming.

Speidi begins the separation of their things. Each gets to take what is theirs and go their separate ways – except for Stephanie. She is settling quite nicely in the middle. Heidi tells her she just wants space but doesn’t consider this whole thing a break up. Meanwhile, Spencer is all about playing the field (which he will quickly see is empty for a mid-twenties kid with no job and horrible facial hair who spends his days crying on his little sister’s couch).

Stephanie is a manipulative bitch who is trying to get herself in just about anywhere she can. I don’t trust her. Lo (my new BFF) doesn’t trust her. Even Spencer doesn’t trust her. So why does LC seem to keen on being her friend? This girl’s brother spread those sex tape rumors; hasn’t Lauren learned that you have to be careful about who you trust? Also, since when is Lauren back in school? And why does her teacher sound like she just flew in from the Bronx?

Whew. That was a lot. Back to back episodes of this show provide me with plenty of drama to get through the week. It’s like living in two sorority houses at once. Yet, I still want more.

I will just have to wait until next week to see if Heidi’s post-Spencer-extra-closet-space is still getting her through the break-up. Or if Lauren and Whitney get offered any other one-in-a-million jobs with no experience.

Or, maybe, if Audrina plays any sort of important role in any of this.