Alright, so every week, I volunteer at this after school program for inner city kids. And every week, I work with this grad student who gives me hope for men. Let’s call him Nick. I have the biggest crush on him. I want him even more than I want the spring line at J. Crew, which is saying something.

I’ve been working with Nick all year, and have had a stupid, schoolgirl crush on him since day one. He is so attractive (tall, a little stubble on his cheeks, a smile that takes over his whole face) that any girl would fall in love with him at first glance. But there are plenty of hot guys out there, and many of them also happen to be giant jerks. It’s Nick’s personality that sets him apart and makes me optimistic about my dating future.

Nick is really intelligent, super witty and has a great soul. The guy works with kids, for God’s sake, and he’s so good with them, too. Just last week he spent a half hour making a super hero mask for a second grader determined to develop an alter ego. I watched, my heart melting.

It might sound silly, but as I was playing an intense game of tag (more of a workout even than that Zumba class at the gym) with Nick and ten screaming children, I had a renewed faith in men. Not because Nick was chasing me (a dating scenario most college girls don’t get to enjoy often enough), but because I saw with my own two eyes a guy who actually was the complete package.

It doesn’t matter if my relationship with Nick never develops beyond playing and reading with kids once a week; for now, I am alright just knowing that there are good guys out there.  I have hope that I will eventually find one of my own, even if I have to deal with all those jerks before I get there.

But if Nick does want to play a few (sexy) games with me, I wouldn’t be opposed to that either….



I had him. And I pushed him away.

I moved to New York City for an internship a few months ago, completely unattached for the first time in what felt like forever. I was so happy to be living in one of the most exhilarating places on earth, independent and ready to have the best time of my life. I didn’t come to the city looking for anyone or anything, just to experience NYC in it’s fullest. I had no intention of dating. In fact, after the year I’d had, it was the last thing on my mind.

Of course, it’s always when you’re not looking that you find someone.

He was ideal in every way. Ivy league grad, held a great job, sweet, very athletic, great looking and he even liked decent music. Not to mention he took me out on real dates (not just guest swiping me into a dining hall), tried to kiss me in public, held my hand… he did everything right. Hell, he even extended his texting plan because I told him I preferred texting to phone calls.

But no matter what, I just couldn’t put my guard down. I flinched when he tried to kiss me in front of people and cringed when he started referring to us as “in a relationship.” I was still single on Facebook; didn’t that mean anything?

The more time we spent together, the further I pulled away. Maybe it was a function of our age difference, but I started to question if there was something wrong with me. I liked spending time with him and everything, but I wasn’t ready to be his girlfriend. After all the a-holes I’d been with who cheated on me, lied to me, used and under-appreciated me, you’d think I’d be jumping for joy for this guy. On the contrary, I was terrified. I didn’t and do not want a boyfriend and I’m not interested in experiencing committal at age 21. Words like “girlfriend” and “relationship” strike fear into my heart.

A few months of dating and he began to notice that I wasn’t breaking down and tried to convince me to be more “mushy.” I’m not mushy. I’m a sweet girl, I laugh and smile a lot. I love hugging people and I enjoy doing nice things. However, I’m far from romantic at this juncture in my life. Even the flowers he got me made me barf a little in my mouth.  He continued to refer to us being “in a relationship” and implying that we were boyfriend/girlfriend.

Finally, after realizing that I was simply leading this poor guy on, we had the talk. And it was weird. Not only because we did it at my favorite bar while sipping on overpriced martinis (that he paid for), but because it was total role reversal. I was telling him things that guys normally tell girls when they want them to stop being clingy or assume that they’re girlfriend material. I told him I wasn’t ready for a commitment, I wasn’t looking to be a girlfriend and I wanted to slow down and maybe make things on a more “as needed” basis. You know, the “we can still be friends…I’m emotionally challenged” speech. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, lord knows I have.

He said he wanted to think about it, that he wasn’t sure if a laid back thing was in his best interests. He left me a note in the morning on my bed (yes, I stupidly brought him home with me…) detailing that “dating without romance doesn’t come naturally to me” and that he was more interested in a relationship. Goodbye. Good luck. Etc.

And there I was, alone in my bed, totally confused.

Did I seriously just end things with an awesome guy just because he wanted to be romantic and be my boyfriend? Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted – someone who liked me and wasn’t afraid of showing it?

What’s wrong with me? How could I pass up something great? Am I shell-shocked from the ghost of relationships past? Am I destined to die completely alone (not even as a crazy cat lady because I just hate cats way too much)? Did I just pass on the last good guy on earth? And what do I do now?

How do I fix this?

Somtimes, this is a better alternative.

You’ve been working your game all night, leaning in just enough to show off the magic that is your Victoria’s Secret Deep Plunge push-up bra. Your hair is perfect, your makeup is flawless and you’ve done your signature laugh-and-touch-his-arm move every time he’s said something cute and funny.

Now you’re just waiting for him to lean in and kiss those perfectly glossed lips.

You like this boy; every last thing about him. He’s got the same major as you, you have mutual friends, he wears really great jeans and he even watches The Hills. Could there be anyone more perfect!? You’ve been dreaming about kissing him since the moment you met him and now you’re so almost there. He’s ditched his friends to talk to you in the corner of the party for the last half hour, so you’re pretty much sure this makeout sesh is in the bag.

After screaming into each other’s ears over the “Put It In The Bag” blaring from the speakers, he asks you if you want to go outside to get some air. The butterflies in your stomach start jumping around in excitement. Coyly, you agree to go.

He takes your hand (swoon!) and leads you outside. Your knees are trembling, but you pull yourself together and follow him through the crowd.  Once outside, you begin to shiver. Not because it’s cold, but because you just know he’s going to kiss you and you’re at once nervous and excited.

You chat about the weather, about the three guys that are peeing on the back fence and the homeless man rifling through the grass looking for empty cans. He puts his hand on your arm. “THIS IS IT,” you think to yourself. “OH MY GOD, HE’S FINALLY GOING TO KISS ME!” Your stomach knots up.

You keep talking about nothing and somewhere between the “Ugh I have to get up early tomorrow to study” and the “where’d your friends go?” he leans in and kisses you.

You’re swooning. You’re so excited you don’t even care that the people huddled around the keg are whistling and yelling at you to get a room. Your perfect boy – the one you have been chasing for months – is kissing you and it’s….OMG, it’s awful.

Is that…his tongue…on your chin?
Is he licking your face?
What is this tornado motion he’s got going on in your mouth? Is he trying to give you some sort of tonsil exam?
And, oh my god, why is your entire cheek wet? What is going on here?!

You open your eyes – maybe he’s just effing around, trying to be funny – but his eyes are closed and he’s totally into it.

You pull back, make some joke about the show you’re putting on for the party guests and contemplate a way to slyly wipe the boy’s drool from your face. He whispers in your ear that he doesn’t care who’s watching, then licks. your. earlobe.

He leans in again to kiss you and as he’s assaulting you with his tongue, you’re mind is reeling.

“What am I supposed to do?”
“Is this fixable?”
“How is he so cute and perfect, yet so god awful at this?”

Unable to take anymore (seriously, there is slobber dripping into your cleavage), you pull away. You make some excuse about having to go find your friends, that you’ll be back, that you’ll talk to him in a bit and you run away. You need guidance, you need support….you need to find a Q-Tip to get this kid’s drool out of your ear.

Yeah, we’ve all been there.
How so many guys could reach college and still think those moves are OK is beyond us.

Fact: Women don’t understand men.
Fact: For the past 6 months, I’ve attempted to get some answers from some men to help all the ladies out there truly understand what the eff those turds are thinking.
Fact: After seeing a guy for two months and being “dumped” via email (where he called me the wrong name), I’m still horribly confused.

While our resident guy gave some pretty sound advice, there are so many tricky situations we women find ourselves in with men on a daily basis. Situations that can’t be summed up in some general question about dating or life or fake boobs.

So, I went on a quest to find a man who can be our voice of reason when we need him most. Like when our crush isn’t returning our calls, or, I don’t know, a guy says he loves us but wants to take the relationship back a few notches. WTF?

Tons of guys expressed interest in advising the ladies of CollegeCandy (why can’t this many dudes express interest in me!?), but I needed the perfect guy: a dude with an understanding of both men and women, a douchey past and a good-guy present. And I found him! (Unfortch, he’s taken, ladies.) He’ll be answering your questions weekly, so if you’ve got something you’re dying to figure out – and your girlfriends don’t know what they’re talking about – send ‘em over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. Our dude will give it to you straight, no matter how much it hurts.

But first, let me introduce you.
CollegeCandy readers, meet our Dude.

What is one thing that all girls need to know about men?
The Dude: That men are only as complicated as women make them. Although I’d like to say that I’m a deep and thoughtful guy, it pretty much goes without saying that I think about one thing all the time…nothing. If I am at work, carrying out a task, eating a burger, or having sex…that is exactly what I’m thinking about. There is no deeper meaning, there is no analysis of my day, and there is no perfectly meditated intent behind my actions. Frankly, we’re just that simple.

What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a lady?
The Dude: I wish I could say that a long list of tender, considerate moments are running through my (ever understanding) mind, but unfortunately, I was either too broke, too drunk, or too into the latest football game to ever truly sweep a chick of her feet. However, I have found that the most romantic thing a guy can do is to pay attention to the little things that really matter to a woman. For example, although past girlfriends have loved big gestures involving diamonds and various trips to Jared, my lady prefers an ice cold latte, trashy tabloid magazine, and two dudes named Ben & Jerry.

What’s the douchiest thing you’ve ever done to a woman?
The Dude: Here is where my long list comes into play. After much thought (and an extensive selection process), I’ve narrowed it down to the following douchy incident. A few years back, I put a ton of time (and dinner at pretentious restaurants) into a girl I was into, but moved to Europe shortly after things started getting serious. Although I was abroad for a year, I kept things burning with the (faithful and loyal) girlfriend stateside, while actually taking in more than just the local culture (if you know what I mean.) Even worse, I broke up with her within 5 minutes of returning home.

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about women?
The Dude: Alright, time for me to redeem myself from my supremely douchy past. Here is what I know about women: no matter how deep under the surface it may be…all women love to be loved. They want someone to adore and care for them (without playing games or going behind their back). They love talking about love, they love analyzing love with their friends, they love reading books and watching (occasionally tolerable) movies about love, they love pretending they don’t need love, they love hating love… You get my point? It’s one of the most endearing and amazing things about women, and why men are so mesmerized by them.

Why do you want to do this column?
The Dude: To put it bluntly (and would I ever put it any other way?), I am unbelievably sick of women taking, toting and living by advice about men…that was written by women. Whether it’s women’s magazines, your friends or (though you try to deny) your frequent calls to your mother, advice about men is rarely about men, it’s about what women think about men. And to be honest, men just don’t think that much.

See? Isn’t he perfect? He knows us and he knows us well. Now send him some questions, dammit!

When it comes down to love, I’m a picky jerk. Prince Charming can march his white horse right up to my doorstep with roses and I won’t answer the door because he’s not ‘challenging’ enough. Let me take a moment to recount the ‘problems’ with my most serious of lovers over the last few years.

Guy A didn’t pay enough attention to me.

Guy B paid too much attention to me.

Guy C wasn’t reliable enough but

Guy D just had his life way too planned out.

Guy E wasn’t smart enough while

Guy F wasn’t social enough.

And this is how it always works.

I know deep in my soul that if I ever wanted a relationship to really WORK, I’d have to stop expecting it to be perfect. I’d have to stop throwing in my cards whenever there’s an argument and I’d have to stop climbing up on my pedestal every time I’m offended by a guy.

And I think this is an issue that a lot of people deal with, especially women. It seems to me like guys don’t need too much from a girl to be satisfied. In fact, most of my guy friends would boil it down to: Not being a crazy b*tch, being good in bed, and…uh….not being a crazy b*tch. But for girls, I think it’s a whole different ball game.

He should be funny but not obnoxious, smart but not pretentious, strong but still sensitive, supportive but with his own life, sexy but not sex-oriented, loyal but not obsessive, stable but not predictable, outgoing but enjoy nights in…

Oh. Dear. God.

Is it just me or are we giving our guys way too much to live up to?

If you want a serious relationship, but you’re expecting your guy to hit the nail on the head with every single characteristic on your Prince Charming list – then I think you might be crazy. Because no one is perfect and that includes him and me..and you. That’s right; you are not perfect. If you are looking for something to hold onto for good, I’d suggest re-evaluating the criteria you’ve got. You may just be trapping yourself in single-land with you’re unreasonable standards.

(Photo from: flickr.com)