I would have never dated me three or four years ago. Sure, I was lovely in most ways and I was a catch in most ways, but there was one little thing about dating that I just didn’t get: being friends after the breakup.

When my heart was broken before, I knew exactly how to manipulate the story to victimize myself and follow up with passionate vengeance. I never even gave a guy a fair chance to break up with me without it being ugly. And looking back on that, it makes me thoroughly sad.

These days, I understand relationships as more than ultimatums or pending doom and broken heartedness. Now I get it.

If I was that close to a guy before, close enough to let him be the only boy I would even kiss, he must have had something to contribute to the world and my life more than sex, right? Right. So why would I cut all of those positive things out of my life just because we made a decision to end the intimacy?

Upon realizing just how much I was giving up when I cut off all ties with my exes, I began changing my ways. I am now friends with all of my exes; yes, every last one. I have rebuilt the bridges I burned and, in fact, just hopped on a plane last month to go visit my most recent ex. As a FRIEND. And we had a great time!

When you are of the mentality that you can’t be friends with a dude after you break up, you are already hindering your relationship. You are already screwing up its natural course of growth and making aspects of the relationship ugly that don’t need to be. Damning your post-breakup relationship to Hell is not only immature, but it’s sad; if you liked a guy enough to date him, you should like him enough to be there for him when you’re done dating one another.

“But how the hell am I supposed to stay friends with him?!” you ask.

Good question. Here are some of the things that worked for me.

1. Don’t talk for a 1-3 months after the intimate relationship ends. You’ll need this time to readjust and get your own personal life back.

2. Don’t feel guilty for seeing him as something different than your typical friend.

3. Be supportive of him and encourage his healthy relationships with new women.

4. Be a shoulder for him to lean on.

5. Don’t be cutting. Save the resentment for your diary; it’s over now.

6. Don’t try to get back together. You can’t be friends if you’re trying to be more than friends.

7. Try to avoid the ‘remember when’ conversations. They bring on emotions.

8. Avoid comparisons. Don’t compare your new guys to him, and don’t let him compare the new girls to you.

9. Distance yourself from his closest friends and family. That means no calling his sister for advice or taking his new GF out for ice cream every night.

10. Recognize what you’re doing. You’re salvaging a friendship; give it time.

Yes, that list is long. And yes it is full of very difficult tasks, but let me tell you – I’m a f*cked up emotional creature, so if I can swing this I know you can. You’re probably never going to be super psyched about your ex dating a new girl, nor will you ever lose ALL of the feelings you once had for him, but being friends with him is possible. And important. And part of growing up.

(Photo courtesy of Photobucket.com)

I guess we all saw the Izzie/George thing coming. (I mean I totally predicted that would be over within a few episodes.) I did, however, expect Izzie to do the breaking-off, not little Georgie. Although I’m deeply relieved that they finally called it quits (because of how painfully apparent it was that they weren’t going to work out), they did both lose their best friend, which is kind of sad.

Then we have McDreamy and Mere Mere. This has been one long ass rollercoaster of committment issues, confusion, and emotional unavailability (to name a few) and you’d think I’d be happy that Derek is finally realizing how Merideth really can’t give him everything he wants. But I’m not, I’m more like, “Noooo, Derek! She’s finally coming to her senses and seeing what an amazing catch (yes, I said catch) you are. Don’t give up now!”

Then again, Merideth realizing that she doesn’t want her Doctor seeing other ladies might be a short-lived wish, since we know how indecisive she is. I dunno, I couldn’t help but feel like my father is cheating on my mother when I saw Derek locking lips with that Rose chick. I mean come on! I’m not ready for this saga to be over.

Now Bailey; her personal life is almost never brought up. I almost forgot that she was married and it was sure news to me that her hubby was a stay-at-home daddy. Regardless, this entire situation, although understandable, came out of nowhere. Unless I missed something, there was indication that these two were having issues. But maybe that was the point. She was so consumed with doing her job, that she didn’t even really think to talk about (or talk to for that matter) her man. Now that she’s having some serious marital issues, I’m assuming they’ll be lots more said about this one.

And last, we have Lexie. Considering Seth Green literally bled to death right in front of her, I’d say she handled to whole situation quite well. This was her first experience losing a patient she was becoming friendly with, almost emotionally invested in (we definitely have an Izzie #2 on our hands). Above all, it seems that she and Mere Mere may finally share a little sisterly love. But that really all depends on Merideth.

Until next time…

Yet even I, president of the I Hate Heidi and Fake Face/Boobs and Super Shiny and Bouncy Blonde Hair and Big Teeth club feel drawn to her this week. There is something about the sheer douchiness of Spencer that makes Heidi look, well, good.

Last night’s episode of The Hills made Heidi look like an actual responsible and semi-intelligent adult. For the first time in our long and tumultuous history, Heidi actually seemed to be taking her job seriously.

No more “I wanna get paid for doing nothing.” The Future Mrs. Pratt is actually putting her personal life on hold for the sake of her serious new position. And I can’t help but respect that. I also can’t help but notice that she is working longer hours than me. And that makes me feel like less of a person.

What happened to old Heidi? You know, skip out on work to get lunch Heidi. Or drop out of fashion school after one day Heidi. I know one person who misses her: Whiny, Bitchy Spencer. (Sidenote: I kinda miss her too. She is so much more fun when you can really hate her.)

But, you kinda have to understand where Spencer is coming from. I mean, the kid has no job. He sits around all day while his dad fixes and whitens the teeth of the stars and passes his money onto Spencer to spend on random crap. Though, not things he might need like, say, a razor?

But back to my point: since he has alienated all of his (3) friends since meeting Heidi, Spencer is literally left with nothing to do. Which, as we have seen, leads him to live a completely pathetic existence where is he begging Heidi to hang out with him and whining when she can’t.

Ah. Sympathy for Spencer is officially over. He is so pitiable it hurts me just a little inside. I used to think these two losers were perfect for each other, but now I have come to learn that Heidi may actually be too good for Spencer. I know; it is killing me to even admit that, but I can’t deny the truth.

Like the fact that Brody is looking a lot cuter these days. There is something about that bionic hand that really gets me going. And those cute little sunglasses he wore to his beach party. And even though the boy from the photo shoot was mad hot in that pink shirt/gray pant combo, I really am pulling for LC and Brody to get together. It was total Cute City at the end of the show when they hung up and were both all smiles!

My ice-cold heart totally melted into a pile of mush. I know MTV probably cut the whole thing to make it uber cute, but I fell for it and for Brody.

Oh God. I must be getting my period. My emotions are all outta whack. We’ll see if I’m still feeling love for Heidi (and hot and bothered for Brody) next week when I am no longer experiencing the effects of PMS.

I don’t know if you know this, but I am a pretty funny girl. Don’t believe me? Maybe you should re-read some of my greatest articles (here’s one). I told you so.

Anyways, this boy never laughed at my jokes. But maybe that’s because he was never listening to a word I was saying and was simply waiting for the opportunity to tell his own stories. Which, I must add, were never funny. Despite that huge drawback, though, he was good to me; he bought me flowers and brought me coffee in the morning when he knew I was sleepy. He was a nice guy and it was just so hard to end things with such a nice guy.

Until he started being a not-so-nice guy.

You see, while he wasn’t self centered or cocky, he was really in his own world. And he was slightly unwilling to compromise. Example: the first time we had a sleepover I was getting all snuggly with him and he says, “I sleep on my back.” And that was the end of it. Not, “I usually sleep on my back, but we can snuggle for a bit” or simply say nothing at all and slip his arm away once I started drooling.

But I digress. The point is, he started being all selfish and weird so I finally mustered up the balls to end things. I mean, his nice-boy-ness was all that was keeping me in the game, so once that was gone it was time for me to throw in the cards. So I called him and told him I wanted no part of his bullshit.

And what does he do? He turns it around and makes it seem like he is the one breaking up with me! He claimed he was “feeling this way for awhile but just doesn’t like to communicate.” What?! Does that make you a better person because you are a pussy for keeping that secret? Or are you a giant liar because this morning you called me 6 (SIX!) times and asked me to come snuggle?

I wanted to scream. I mean, he made the entire two month relationship about him, does he have to steal my breakup thunder too?! I threw his sweatpants at him (which was easy cuz they were MSU pants but hard cuz they were so damn comfy), got in my car and headed home.

And what made me feel better? A lot of Kelly Clarkson, a run, talking to my friends and a giant donut. At last, it was all about me.