It’s not like you meant to be dishonest, but the words tumbled out of your mouth before you even had the chance to think about them. You’re not lying; you’re sparing her feelings. Does she really need to know that you think she completely overreacted or that no, you don’t think the reason he didn’t call was because he got run over by a truck? You’re just trying to be a good friend. But are you really? Not according to Lori Gottlieb, who believes that being one another’s “yes women” is turning our BFFs into our worst enemies.

I pride myself on always telling the truth, in friendships, in relationships, and at work. Always. Honesty is not only important; it’s necessary. It builds trust, gains respect, and keeps things simple. There is not a single situation that could possibly be made less complicated by lying. At least, that’s what I strive for, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I too have caved to the pressure of being a “yes women” on more than one occasion.

According to Gottlieb a “yes women” is a friend who tells you exactly what you want to hear. She reiterates your opinion right back to you, squashing your fears and reaffirming your beliefs. She makes you feel better about yourself, while also making herself feel better. If you’re right, then so is she. There’s safety in numbers. Misery loves company. We’re just helping each out, right?

Wrong. We think that by lying to our friends we’re helping them, when we’re actually doing just the opposite. Honesty is the best policy. It’s a tried and true cliché for a reason. Wouldn’t you want to know the truth? Isn’t it better that you have a BFF who cares enough to withstand your rage when she disagrees about your new boyfriend? Sometimes, the truth hurts. But that doesn’t make it any less valuable.

Granted, nothing is ever that simple. If the truth will do more harm than good should you still be honest? Your friend just finishes telling you about her horrible day. She woke up late, failed her Poli Sci pop quiz, and then had an argument with her boyfriend. The fight is over and done with and even though you disagree with the way she handled it, nothing can be done about that now. Ben and Jerry’s container in hand, she turns to you. “You think I did the right thing, right?” I applaud the women that won’t cave under that kind of pressure.

And even if you are one of the brave and blunt, that doesn’t always work in your favor. When someone asks for honesty, they don’t actually want honesty. At least, most women don’t. They want to hear you agree with them. They want to hear their own carefully crafted opinion repeated back to them. No one wants to hear “that dress makes you look fat”, or “yes I do think your boyfriend is cheating on you.” No one wants to hear the bad stuff. So on the off chance that your friend fesses up and tells you that the bright orange romper is best left on the sales rack, you probably won’t be particularly happy with her, either.

But maybe you should be?

When it comes down to it, it’s all about personal relationships. What do you want in a best friend? What type of person are you and who do you surround yourself with? Someone who will pat you on the back and tell you it will all work out, or someone who will tell you to stop whining and start dealing? Can you lie to your BFF to spare her feelings or are you always straightforward, despite the consequences?

It’s this ability to see a situation from someone else’s perspective that Gottlieb’s article lacks. She makes interesting points, and offers what could be life changing advice. (Her article has been described as the He’s Just Not That Into You of female friendships.)  But she makes the mistake of assuming that everyone holds the same values that she does. With Gottlieb, everything is black and white, right and wrong. Everyone is exactly the same, and there is only one way to react to a situation. She generalizes, speaks for all women, instead of just herself, and doesn’t stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, there are exceptions to her rules.

What do you think, CollegeCandy readers? Do you want the truth and nothing but the truth? Or would you prefer the white lie and the spared feelings? What would a true best friend do? When is it okay to lie and when are you doing your friend an injustice?

It’s puzzling to me, then, why I’ve encountered so many people who stick to a preferred physical type. I’m not talking about broad categories as much as I am about specific traits, such as hair and eye color or, more to the point, race. On the dating site OkCupid, for example, users can search for potential matches by filtering the database with specific criteria, including ethnicity.

I’m not even going to get into whether dating someone based solely on looks is a good or bad thing (because that would constitute a whole column of its own), but I have friends who exclusively date a particular type, be it black men, Asian women, or the ever-popular Abercrombie model. Some say, “But I’m just not attracted to Asian/Black/White guys.” Others claim they’ve never met a person they wanted to date outside their race. Unfortunately, if variety is the spice of life, then there are a lot of people out there dating the same bland types over and over again.

Some of them are self-aware enough to recognize where their preferences come from, but most are not. However, claiming that you “just happen” to prefer the blonde-haired, blue-eyed type (or whatever yours may be) ignores the biases we’ve each inevitably formed as a result of living in a society that promotes very specific beauty ideals. What many deem a “preference” is informed by their exposure to stereotypes, such as those depicted in television and movies. (The hypersexualization of black males and Asian females, the emasculation of Asian males, and the masculinization of black females are just a few examples.) Incredibly divergent interracial marriage rates are also a testament to the fact that physical preferences are really stratified by race.

Of course, it’s not easy to undo a couple decades’ worth of societal brainwashing overnight. But dating someone a tad darker or lighter than your usual fare isn’t going to kill you or your sex life. This also isn’t to say that we should reject preferences altogether. When it comes to personality or personal beliefs, preferences make sense to some extent. A relationship is probably not meant to last between two people with vastly different views on politics, money, or hygiene. But preferring to date people with particular political, financial, or hygienic attitudes is different from preferring to date people with certain physical attributes. The former is about compatibility; the latter has nothing to do with it.

Perhaps it’s telling that although OkCupid allows you to search for users of specific ethnicities, they also offer users the option of identifying themselves as “Human (Other)”. At least some of us out there would rather be pursued because of our more substantive qualities.

Not me. But it turns out that great dudes are all over the place—you just have to know where to look and how to strike. Read on.

1. Smile.
This might sound dumb, but everybody’s attracted to a good smile. You can’t pick up a guy if you look sour, so flash those pearly whites. You never know when somebody cute is going to look your way.

2. Be who you wish you were.
If you’re shy but you really want to be outgoing and flirty, what’s stopping you? It’s hard to overcome labels you’ve placed on yourself, but you’re the only person who has the power to change things. So rather than slinking back into a corner, cross the room and talk to that hot dude. And hold your head up like you mean it.

3. Be open.
This does not translate to “Be desperate.” Instead, what I mean is that you should believe that you can meet guys anywhere—including at the grocery store. You don’t have to actively look, but you do have to acknowledge that the possibility is always there.

4. Be charming, but stay yourself.
Sometimes, I put out my best traits right away when I meet a guy in hopes that I’ll be able to nab him. It usually works, but the relationship doesn’t have much staying power when he realizes I have other personality traits that aren’t compatible with his. You can be charming and be 100% yourself at the same time, and that’s something I fully recommend. If you turn out to really like a guy, the relationship is much more likely to last a while if you show him who you are right away.

5. Look hot.
To everyone who says looks don’t matter, I say, “Are you kidding me?” Of course they matter, and that’s why you should heed the advice of the “What Not to Wear” crew when they say that you should always look great. Plus, caring about your appearance and putting together a look shows that you care about yourself, and that’s hot, too.

6. Don’t discriminate.
If the emo guy who keeps smiling at you in class isn’t exactly your type, don’t discount him just because you spend your nights dreaming about jocks. Emo Dude could have a few surprises in store and a killer sense of humor, and you’d never know unless you took a chance on him. So go for some variety!

When it comes to sex, we are wayyyy too picky. Compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, humans have the most criteria for choosing a mate by far. Think about it – our selection process goes much further than “Wow, you’ve got some pretty colorful tail feathers there. Wanna screw?”

What is it that makes us consider so many characteristics of one person before deciding to have any sort of sexual relations with them? And why do those characteristics even matter? Now I ain’t no scientist, but I thought I’d give it my best shot and try to decipher this most peculiar of selection processes.

The Looks: First and foremost, you want your “mate” to be attractive. That one’s a given – nobody wants to hook up with somebody they find repulsive (unless alcohol is impairing their judgment, of course). Even animals look for companions that have characteristics they want to pass on to their young. But in a day in age where most of us don’t want to think about, let alone have, our own babies, why should looks even matter? Bragging rights, perhaps?

The Intelligence: Although this isn’t a make-or-break-er, I would imagine that most of us would rather not spend time conversing with someone with the intelligence of a pick axe. However, for the most part, one’s IQ cannot be inherited by offspring. In the animal kingdom, however, dim-witted animals eventually get weeded out by natural processes (ie. running towards, not away from, a pack of hyenas). Do we factor in intelligence as our own form of “natural selection,” or are we just hoping that intelligence will someday equal money?

The Car (among other things): Even if you think your love don’t cost a thang, you can’t deny the perks of having a wealthy beau. The scientific world may justify this as the desire to be with somebody who can “take care” of us. Instead of looking for mates that can beat up the entire jungle in our defense, however, we now look for people that can help us survive in our present environment. Well that, plus the fact that you look pretty H-O-T-T in a Mercedez.

The Personality: Now here’s the one I just don’t get. Most claim personality as the most important factor in picking a significant other, but there really is no evolutionary purpose behind this. Since most male species tend to bone, pop out a few babies, and peace out, we really are unique in this criterion. Maybe it’s the fact that we don’t want to spend long periods of time with people that drive us insane? Or is it just our own native instinct that tells us to wait for the one we love? Let me know what you think!

Depending on the relationship you had with the guy before the hook-up; the scenarios in which you’ll interact after the hook-up; and how much discussion you had before, during, and after the hook-up, the first “reunion” can be totally smooth, or completely cringe-worthy. And, for the record, the first reunion does not include your first words the morning after when both of you are still in bed…naked…and possiby still drunk.

How do you deal? If your first meeting with your last fling falls into one of the following categories, you need to work on your post-play approach.

1. The Awkward Aversion

You don’t know how he feels, and if it means avoiding rejection, you’re fine not knowing. You may respond to his presence by interrupting someone else’s conversation to avoid having to talk to him, fumbling with your phone to appear busy, or simply leaving the room. This will come off as either immature or disinterested. If he does like you and you blatantly ignore him, he’ll think you regret it. Unlike girls who want what they can’t have, guys are more likely to give up if you’ve bruised their ego. If you do like him, I suggest developing a different method.

2. The “Sex? What Sex? We Never Had Sex” Approach

You’re trying to play it cool. Too cool. You smile at him -great!- and follow it with a punch to the shoulder and a “Hey, buddy! Did you catch Monday Night Football last night?” You probably won’t catch his eye for more than a nanosecond, and rapidly come up with small-talk conversation starters because you’re afraid of a lull in the conversation, which may or may not lead to the line, “Should we talk about last Saturday?” You may use this approach if you were comfortable with him before, and afraid that you’ve ruined the friendship (or acquaintanceship) you used to share with the guy. This could be taken two ways: like the aversion approach, your guy could assume that you want to forget about it; on the other hand, you could come off as being too casual in the wake of the hook-up. Perhaps you’ve done this before, and often.

3. The Shameless Strut

You want him to remember what he had, and want it again. Even if you aren’t looking for a relationship, you want the satisfaction of knowing he’s still attracted to the cow after he’s gotten the milk for free. If you anticipate the reunion, you dress up for the occasion. Even if it’s unexpected, you immediately try to be the center of attention and the life of the party, so he can see that along with your hot looks you’ve got a great personality. Perhaps you’ll even place yourself in the middle of a passionate conversation with another guy, just so the recent fling will see what a hot commodity you are. But this isn’t the best idea; like the “We never had sex” approach, this can make you look like you bedhop more often than a European backpacker.

4. The Far-Too-Forward Front

He obviously wanted you on Saturday, so why should he feel differently on Monday? As soon as he enters the room, you’re glued to his side, cracking inside jokes that you shared last weekend (well, inside jokes to you, but neurotically minimal details to him). You find flirty ways to touch him, and don’t let him get a word in edgewise with any other girl in the room. This move immediately raises a red flag, because even if he was interested in moving into a relationship, he’s now seeing the next few months flash before his eyes, and it involves a clingy, controlling girlfriend. It’s the moment when you brush his hair out of his eyes and call him a brand new nickname that he realizes how much he loves being single.

5. The Fatal Attraction Fiasco

Your first meeting with him since - you know – is an encounter with him and at least one other girl. It could be as harmless as him tutoring a girl from his English class, or talking to a few old female friends around a keg. Maybe he’s simply holding a door for a stranger who happens to possess two X-chromosomes. No matter how innocent, it triggers some sort of jealous rage that prompts you to bitch him out, call him a player, and basically look like a complete psycho. Do I need to explain why this is going to put him off?

It can be difficult to play your cards right the first time you bump into a former fling, especially if you have your own doubts about the way you left things when you said goodbye. The best thing to do is be yourself, and try to read his own body language. If you want to talk about what happened, approach the subject honestly, and at the right moment. You don’t want to call him out in front of your friends, but you also don’t want to corner him and put him on the spot to evaluate all of his feelings for you.

If you play it cool, you have a far better chance of getting what you what (if it’s him that you want), and if things don’t work out, good news: you’re young, you’re single, and you’re on a college campus with thousands of other cuties to choose from.

Join CollegeCandy’s Facebook group for more relationship (or not so much) stories and advice! 

A new study, the results of which appear in the October issue of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, suggests that Facebook profiles can mirror the narcissism of their owners.

Besides being synonymous with being “egotistical,” “self-centered,” and “self-absorbed,” narcissism affects the ability of a person to form healthy, long-term relationships. According to W. Keith Campbell, a professor at the University of Georgia who co-authored the study in question, “Narcissists are using Facebook the same way they use their other relationships – for self promotion with an emphasis on quantity of over quality.”

You know those people that add you as a friend after a 30-second convo, or because you know one of their friends (or their friend’s friends?) The ones who have 10,562 friends…in their main network alone? These Facebookers also have a variety of photo albums on their page– most of which are full of self-portraits and glamour shots taken in the mirror. These are the FB users who most clearly exhibit signs of narcissism.

The growth spurts of social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace have grabbed the attention of behaviorists who want to explore how personality traits are expressed online. “We’ve undergone a social change in the last four or five years and now almost every student manages their relationships through Facebook – something that few older people do,” asserts Campbell. “It’s a completely new social world that we’re just beginning to understand.”

I wonder what else we can learn from peoples’ Facebook quirks. For example: what do we learn from the girl who changes her status every five seconds, so you always know EXACTLY where she is and what she’s doing? How about the guy you haven’t talked to in months, yet still comments on all of your new FB photos, your status, even what other people are writing on your wall?

What would you like to learn from Facebook? Do you agree with this study?

During Orientation, people began to cling together because, in truth, all of us were friendless. So my group of friends developed depending on with whom I ate lunch one day, who also got lost trying to return to my dorm after a party, or who was sitting next to me at one of the many assemblies. I am not complaining about my friends — they are all genuinely nice people – but I wonder: if we had gone to school from pre-K to twelfth grade, would they even give me a second glace? Would I give them?

I feel like making these friends so hastily isn’t really making any true connections. Maybe this is because I’ve never moved away, and so have known all my high school friends for years. I know them inside and out, and I am really grateful for them. Now I have plenty more people programmed into my cell phone than I did in last fall. I can call over ten girls to go eat lunch, or procrastinate by watching a movie. I can say hello to at least five friends every time I walk somewhere.

But what kind of claim is that, when I don’t know anything about them other than the generic five questions I have asked and been asked for the last few weeks. 1) What’s your name? 2) What dorm do you live in? 3) What are you interested in studying? 4) Where are you from? 5) Do you want to exchange cell phone numbers?

There is no number 6: What is it about you that would make us good friends?

The problem for me is that I do not know how to put myself out there — really let people know how I act around my old friends — without being ridiculous. I don’t think I am stifling my whole personality, but I am definitely holding back my love of cheesy Disney movies and my obsessive grammar corrections.

And so I now question as to whether my new friends are doing the same.

Are they truly this nice and smart and driven and friendly all the time? Because although they’re easygoing, they seem too normal and perfect to get along with a quirky kid like me. I almost wish there were a day where everyone could just let it out there, where I could burst into singing High School Musical 2 when someone asks, “What time is it?” Back home, that was my type of normal. As were sarcastic jokes, skipping down hallways and dancing without a care of how crazy I looked.

I know I will become more comfortable in time, but for now I feel as if I am showing the simple side of Kristine to my dozens of generically nice buddies. I am looking for a little more than that. For now, I am trying to act as normal as possible. Maybe soon I will find that my type of normal fits in just fine here.

So on most weekends when all of you are out clubbing or hitting up the bar while hitting on hot guys, I’m curled up on my couch in my pajamas, watching the Olympics or reading a really dorky book and eating a cookie (or three).

It doesn’t bother me. In fact, I LOVE it.

Perhaps you’re intrigued by my reclusive lifestyle. Maybe you even want to take your own Introventure on an upcoming Saturday night, but you’re just not sure how to even begin. Well, you’re in luck! Look no further than this handy-dandy…

Introvert’s Guide to a Saturday Night in:

6 p.m. Put on pajamas. Why not? You’re not going out, and it just feels great to wear those soft, comfortable clothes.

6:15 p.m. Feel a little hungry. Decide to make one-serving eggplant parmesan.

6:30 p.m. Realize you are missing a key ingredient (the eggplant). Run to the store.

6:50 p.m. Ah, that’s better.

8 p.m. Oh, God. This is delicious. Who needs bad rap music and hot guys?

8:15 p.m. Do the dishes. Or don’t. It’s your night! You’re in control!

8:30 p.m. Decide to watch the Olympics.

8:45 p.m. Bob Costas is showing highlights of Michael Phelps for the millionth time, but it’s still not enough for you. You could watch those rippling abs for days…

9 p.m. Wipe drool off the couch.

9:15 p.m. Get bored with the Olympics. Pop in a DVD of The X-Files. The new movie reminded you of the great chemistry between Mulder and Scully and how you wish you were Scully during all the scenes when she kisses Mulder.

10 p.m. Wonder if the truth is really out there. If so, where?

10:05 p.m. Pick up David Sedaris’s new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. Read about how he bought a $400 cashmere sweater with intentional ripping and distressing in it. Wonder if that is ever excusable. Think about your own most expensive item of clothing and how it is a) worth so much less than $400 and b) sitting in your closet unworn while you are lying around in pajamas.

10:30 p.m. Start to get tired. Ponder that all the parties around town are just starting to heat up and that you are obviously a grandmother for wanting to go to sleep before midnight.

10:35 p.m. Time to eat some chocolate.

10:45 p.m. Think about brushing your teeth. Obviously, you have to do it, but could anyone really blame you for wanting to keep that chocolate taste in your mouth? How bad would it be to refrain from brushing your teeth for just one night, really? Totally permissible.

11 p.m. Suddenly a glaring light arrives from nowhere. Oh. It’s just the overhead light, and you’ve fallen asleep. Go to turn it off and get in bed.

1 a.m. Best friend drunk dials you, jarring you out of a dream that involved both Michael Phelps and Mulder at the same time. You curse her out and put away the phone. How can other people actually have social lives, anyway?!

[Photo courtesy of flickr.com.]

As reported by a Radar journalist, Grenier recently showed up at a Lower East Side (read: skinny jeans and soul patches) party and spoke some choice words to a lady he apparently fancied. Instead of attempting to have a nice conversation like the rest of us common folk, Grenier the celebrity went straight for the kill—because, well, he thought he could.

Transcribed via Radar:

Adrian: Hi, what’s your name?

Brunette: [Giggling. It is obvious she knows who he is; she is flattered that he has approached her] Elizabeth*. What’s yours?

Adrian: Adrian.

Brunette: Nice to meet you! And what do you do, Adrian?

Adrian: I make documentary films.

Brunette: Oh really?

Adrian: Yeah. And some other stuff on the side. What about you?

Brunette: I’m in fashion.

Adrian: That’s cool. So how about we go home and I f*ck the sh*t out of you?

Brunette: [Staring, somewhat flabbergasted] Excuse me? I don’t really know you well enough to do that, I don’t think.

Adrian: Well, let’s get to know each other. Where are you from, Elizabeth?

Brunette: I’m from Houston, Texas.

Adrian: [Pauses. Warily.] Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

Brunette: Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s impolite to talk about politics and religion at a party?

Adrian: Well who did you vote for in the last election?

Brunette: Not that it’s any of your business, I voted for Bush.

Adrian: [Upon hearing the name Bush, Adrian works himself into a minor frenzy] Wow. I mean, how could you? Are you serious? Do you know what he’s done to this country? I mean … well, who are you voting for in this election?

Brunette: I haven’t decided yet.

Adrian: Hmm. Well how about we go home and I f*ck the sh*t out of you and we talk about it in the morning?

Brunette: No thanks.(*)

I guess, in famous people speak, “f*ck the sh*t out of you” must be another way of saying “hey, let’s hang out!” because who in their right mind thinks they’re so damn cool they can just waltz up to anyone they choose and treat them like a blow up doll?

Here’s hoping Entourage comes back for another season. If not, someone’s going to have to rely simply on their personality, which, from the looks of things, is poised to get them nowhere.

(*) I chose to refrain from commenting on Adrian’s political rant, because he won points for hating Bush, but subsequently lost those points by being such a giant, pissy ass about it. It’s against my religion to validate pissy politics.

This month’s issue of Self featured a quick and dirty outline of all of those catty characters you’re bound to encounter on a daily basis…especially this time of year.

Who are these girls? Well, after being grouped off into 4 categories, Self describes them as either The Critic, The Social Misfit, The Blowhard, and The Nosy Nellie. Sound familiar? Sound like –god forbid– you?

Well, here’s the rundown. Read and learn, friends, because nobody wants their personality to be reduced to a catchy phrase used by woman’s magazines.

The Critic – will put you down or insult you…no matter what. Passive-aggressivly of course.

How should you handle the most common kind of annoying girl? Try to remember what your parents always told you. This kind of bully-ish behavior probably stems from her lack of sensitivity and overabundance of negativity growing up, so ignore her.

You have nothing to do with her bitchyness so when she asks if you really need that extra cookie smile, say “yes” and eat it. Either she’ll get the hint…or be miserable. Hopefully miserable.

The Social Misfit - will get excessively drunk, flirt with your boyfriend, make you feel uncomfortable, and then probably require you to carry her ass home.

This annoying girl needs attention ASAP. No, it’s not admirable, no, it’s not cute, but if she’s drunk and doesn’t get what she wants…watch out. You have two options. You know your boyfriend? The one she’s shamelessly flirting with? Let him handle it. Two, get her attention and try to keep her focus away from the millions of embarrasing things she’ll probably get herself into. Is she completely wasted?

There’s a third option. Send her drunk behind home.

The Blowhard - will brag so much you’ll want to barf.

Is her boastful bragging really unbelievable? Point it out! Self recommends the following, “After a story about her latest coup, try ‘You really are Superwoman — I bet you leap building in a single bound, too!’“

That could work. Or you could just say, “We all know you’re lying. Shut up. Seriously.” Wait, would that make you a “critic”? Sigh.

The Nosy Nellie - will make your business her business.

Busybodies suck, so Self reccomends distraction by way of detailed questions that will require drawn out responses.

Just enough time to excuse yourself and go make some cooler friends!

Remember, everyone has those pals that make us pissed, but try to remember…you look that much better by comparison!