Seriously, this is what she looks like 6 weeks after giving birth?!

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I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Those of us who have little sisters know how annoying they can be (haha, love you Chloe!).  Those of us who are humans who participate in society know how annoying famous little sisters can be.  The most annoying of these are probably Ashlee Simpson (okay, the older sister is just as annoying…if not more so) and Jamie Lynn Spears (well…ditto).  But which one is more of a fame whore?  Which one can even be called a valid human being (j/k…sort of)?

Babies
Ashlee Simpson had a baby (with a really weird name). Ashlee Simpson is a baby.  I feel like if you and your husband both wear skinny jeans and excessively gel/dye your hair, you shouldn’t be having children.  Maybe she should be taking some cues from her sister and get some mom jeans up in there.

Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby.  Wait, she’s legal? Oh…nope!  Anyway, good job on her to take the heat off her crazy-ass big sister by ‘causing a ruckus and getting knocked up all southern style.  That’s dedication.  That’s love.

Point: Ashlee Simpson.  I’m not even sure she remembers she has a baby after all the time she’s been spending screaming at people in clubs and making crappy albums. Also, was anyone talking about her post reconstructive surgery and pre baby? Nope! Nice publicity stunt, Ash!

“Fame”
Ashlee Simpson sang some songs…wait, or did she act in something?  What does she do again?  I forget.  Generally that’s not a good thing if you’re famous and people don’t remember what you’re famous for except for your ability to lip sync, get booed off stages and get nose/chin/total makeover jobs.

Jamie Lynn Spears…does…nothing?  Like, seriously.  What does she do?  I think maybe she sings stuff…and has a Disney TV show.  But who doesn’t these days?

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. She literally does nothing and all her fame is due to her crazy big sister and her own pregnancy “scandal.”

Family
Ashlee Simpson has a crazy, controlling dad and a seriously misguided older sister (I swear, the buffalo wings thing…).  Ashlee could probably take the prize of being the most well-adjusted and “normal” in that family, considering what she had to deal with while growing up. Although, that might not be saying much…

Jamie Lynn Spears has a crazy older sister (really, really crazy) and a fame-hungry mother.  Considering the level of craziness that Britney Spears operates on, Jamie Lynn seems to have missed that genetic bullet.

Point: Ashlee Simpson. Her sister must have rubbed some of that brainless, fake-talent stuff on to her.

Talent/Career
Ashlee Simpson can’t sing (we all know that) and she can’t act, but apparently she can dance.  She was even admitted into the School of American Ballet.  Too bad she seems to be focusing on the “talents” that she doesn’t actually have, as compared to what she can do relatively well.

Jamie Lynn Spears can act (I guess) on a level that is acceptable for those who perform for the mindless preteens who watch the Disney Channel.  That’s about it.  Oh wait, her reproductive organs seem to be pretty talented…

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. As much as I hate to admit it, Ashlee Simpson actually had talent at one point. Jamie Lynn Spears just doesn’t.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Ashlee Simpson. Lack of any remaining talent + big ego + retarded name for baby (Bronx Mowgli??) + 500 other stupid things = Celebretard.  Sorry  Jamie Lynn, you need to be at least half a celebrity to get this prize.

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Dear (See Below) Bands,

I love your music. Love, love, love. But can you maybe try to be a little less annoying? It makes it so hard to defend you when I tell my friends about my favorite artists. Actually, it makes it hard to admit to anyone that you happen to be one of them.  And I want to make them like you, really, I do. But like that friend who has a minor character flaw that now pisses you off enough that you really can’t see the good in her anymore,  I’m finding it difficult to enjoy your music knowing how annoying you are.

Here are some heart-to-heart tips from your loving (secret) admirer to be a little less annoying and a little more rock and roll.

Fall Out Boy

You always have a spot in my 6-CD player in my car. Sugar, you’ll never go down on the playlist for me if you continue to make some of the sweetest pop punk music out there. But please, Pete Wentz, I’m begging you – cut your hair, lay off the eyeliner and put on a damn shirt when you are on a magazine cover. You need to settle down – you play bass. And, um, you have a kid?

Also, Patrick, can you please enunciate your song lyrics so I can actually sing along and not just randomly open my mouth while humming the tune to look like I know what I’m singing? And what’s up with the weird syntax and bizzare punctuation in the song titles? Thnks Fr Th Confusn. I mean, e.e. Cummings was a legit poet, while you’re just… an antithesis of all semblance of reason. And grammar. My English teacher highly disapproves.

Avril Lavigne

“I’m with you” on how most of your songs are about girl problems to which every teenager can relate. And I love how you have other gigs too, like co-writing “Breakaway” for Kelly Clarkson and even recording The Spongebob Squarepants Movie theme song (my little bro totally agrees).  But I’m pretty sure that hot pink hair, combat boots, and thick-enough eyeliner to paint a mural were out of fashion like 10 years ago. You remind me of the wanna-be punk-rocker chicks at my old high school who stood in their corner by the snack machine and talked about how “complicated” their life was and how their parents didn’t understand them. You’re married now, for goodness sakes, so do your husband a favor and stop wearing pink angel wings and acting like a “sk8er boi.” Oh, and learn how to play the guitar for real. You’re kinda getting “under my skin.”

Coldplay

The first time I heard “Clocks,” it changed my life. And continued to do so for the 100 times I listened to it on repeat afterward. You should even see my wall – there’s a giant banner that shouts, “viva la vida,” my adopted mantra para mi vida. But enough with the same gloomy, sad looks while you play haunting, heart-wrenching melodies on the piano, Chris Martin. I’m wondering if you’re able to play some different chord progressions as well, since you only seem to stick to one particular one on every. single. bloody. song. Can we maybe change it up a bit, with chords and tempos and basically not have the same harmonic patterns last throughout the whole album? Or four? Keep the accent though, please. Oh, and tell Gwyneth to lose the GOOP.

Simple Plan

My friend saw you in concert in Japan, and just like her, I must say: I’m “addicted” to your music. In a “perfect world,” I would hang out with you guys all day and do crazy stuff like dye the neighbor’s pool yellow or something, because, let’s face it, “I’m just a kid.” You seem like a bunch of cool, fun kids just making music because you can, and I love that about you. But unfortunately, you kinda remind me of blink182. But not in a middle-school-memories, emo-phase, dress-like-a-punk, nostalgic sort of way. More like a trying-a-little-too-hard, bad-album-titles, life-is-so-unfair-let’s-cry-about-it sort of way. Skateboarding is a sport, not a prop, and yelling at your parents on a rooftop in the pouring rain? Effective, but kinda cheesy I must say. Maybe there’s a reason you’re “still not getting any”…

Miley Cyrus

My guilty pleasure of all things guilt-full and pleasurable is “See You Again.” It’s on my workout playlist, my clubbing/dance-party playlist, and my blasting-in-the-car playlist. To the point where I’m headbanging and screaming out the lyrics with my girlfriends, and looking like a mad woman to the car next to us. But oh mah gah. There is so much advice and wisdom I wish to impart upon you that’s long enough to last a whole Oprah episode. You’re obviously not as big as a band, but your ego is big enough compete with one. Can you please act your age and stop dating older men that are probably not into you and more into your…assets? And stop taking those trashy MySpace pictures that even my 12 year old cousin knows not to take? You’re probably one of the reasons sexting is such a problem these days among teens. Or maybe just why television shows are going down the drain. Whatever happened to old Disney classics like Even Stevens and Sister, Sister? Dump the TV show and the drama queen act and just behave more like the role model you’re supposed to be for young girls. Then I won’t be so embarrassed when someone sees you on (every single one of) my iPod playlists.

Love,

Your (Not-So-Secret-Anymore) Admirer

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Now it’s Pete’s turn to discuss Jessica Simpson’s weight.

So, the other infamous teen mother of 2008 – AKA not Jamie Lynn Spears – finally gave birth to a little Alaskan: Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. What a mouthfull (that’s what she said). You know what that means! No, the baby did not get his first pair of hunting boots (that we know 0f).

It means that it’s time to sell those baby pics to the highest bidder!

Looks like People magazine won the bidding war, offering the Palin-Johnston clan $300,000. That’s a lot of money, especially in Alaska where the only things you can buy are drugs, tanning beds and weapons. Maybe they’ll use the money to buy a helicoptor for some wolf hunting. Or maybe they’ll use it to bail Mama Johnston out of jail?

All I know is Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson must be feeling pretty crappy right about now. They got a big fat ZERO for pics of Bronx Mowgli.