For some reason I feel a sudden urge to be vegetarian.

I hate Halloween. I have always hated Halloween. One of the first pictures anyone ever took of me is in a pumpkin costume at age 4, crying my eyes out. I don’t hate other people who like Halloween, but the holiday itself makes me so pissed that when prompted to write a Halloween article I refused to write a positive one.

So if you want to hear about why Halloween rocks you should go somewhere else because I f*cking hate it and I’m about to make you hate it too by listing some reasons why it’s terrible and should be canceled.

Costumes: Yah, I said it. F*ck costumes. I have never trusted motherf*ckers in costumes. Why are you wearing that? People in costumes can do anything they want, and often do on Halloween, because it’s basically the official Holiday for burglary and assault.  That’s really what I want, a day where it’s impossible to spot criminals because everyone is wearing a godd*mn mask.

I don’t even like people at Disneyland and sh*t wearing costumes. Ask any nerd which day was the worst in high school and I guarantee you that Halloween is up near the top of the list. “I sure wish I knew who was beating the sh*t of out me right now, beyond ‘guy in gas mask’ and ‘guy in hockey mask!’”

Additionally, wearing costumes is probably the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s hot and you can’t hear sh*t and you can’t run away from other people in costume without making a ridiculous shuffling noise. F*ck costumes. Unless you’re on a stage or in a movie, no costumes ever. Street performers shouldn’t be allowed to wear costumes. No one. EVER. Read More »

I’m sure at some point in each of our lives, we giggled inappropriately at the appearance of a food product. Maybe it was that Popsicle that looked a little too phallic, or the kiwi in the produce department that looked hilariously like testicles. But in reality, there are certain foods that are linked to our sex drives and get our motors running, and as a dedicated culinary student, I have made it my mission to find some of the best.

1.) Booze – While not exactly an aphrodisiac, alcohol is responsible for more than it’s fair share of one-night stands and awkward mornings. Booze lowers your inhibitions and makes you more likely to make spontaneous decisions.

2.) Chocolate – On top of the sensuality of chocolate syrup or boxed candy, chocolate contains theobromine, similar to caffeine, to keep that fire burning longer.

3.) Pineapple - Although pineapple isn’t a the sexiest food, it’s been used as a natural treatment for impotence, and eating enough of it can sweeten your guy’s “taste.” Why? Fruits like pineapple and citrus have both natural sugar and are acidic, which alters your body’s pH, changing your man’s alkaline-based juices (alkaline gives it it’s salty flavor) to something more neutral. And you thought chemistry was boring! Read More »