Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a friend who is, like, obsessed with me. I don’t know what to do. She calls me all the time and then just wants to talk and talk and I don’t really feel like listening. I mean how many times can I hear about her ex-boyfriend?

Tuffy, to top it all off, she never even asks about me! I mean she calls me all the time you’d think she’d have the common courtesy to at least say hey “what’s going on with you?” It’s really annoying.

I don’t know what to do. This girl has been my friend since elementary school. But now we’re both in college and we live in different cities. But the cities are nearby so I could hang out with her if I wanted to, but the thing is, I don’t want to. It’s really sad because she always calls me (like every week) and I almost never pick up because she bugs the crap out of me. But the thing is, she doesn’t really have any other friends. She makes new friends sometimes, like at school, but she can never keep them very long. Not because she’s mean or anything – just she only talks about herself and I think it gets on people’s nerves.

She’s really nice and she was my friend for years, but she is driving me crazy. If I could, I would just stop being friends with her completely! But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

– Feeling Like a Bad Friend

Dear FLBD,

You’re not a bad friend. SHE’S a bad friend. She sounds freaking annoying.

Look, usually when people can’t keep friends, there’s a reason for it. Sometimes it’s because they’re jerks. But sometimes, as in the case of your “friend,” it’s because they’re completely self-absorbed.

This girl should get a clue. When EVERYONE has the same reaction to  you no matter where you go, it’s probably not them, it’s probably you. In other words: IT’S HER. But, of course, you have history with this girl. I totally get why you don’t want to leave her hanging.

See, this is the thing about self-absorbed people. They are TAKERS. Takers of your energy and of your good nature. They always, always, always look for givers. Givers are the ones who, in spite of not being able to stand their taker, will still listen, still hang out, still give.

Givers are puppies and takers are the ticks.

So before she wears you the floop out, set rules for yourself. Try distancing yourself by responding to her phone messages via email. That way, you limit the amount of energy she can squeeze from you. When you do talk on the phone, set a time limit for yourself. Don’t let her blab at you endlessly. You are allowed to get off the phone whenever you want.

Tuffy would like to say you should just cut her off if she’s bugging you, but, unfortunately, Tuffy too has a soft spot for old friends.

Just spend as little time dealing with her as you can, and when you do deal with her, make sure you do something nice for yourself afterward: go for a walk or eat some chocolate. You know, cool down. If she’s REALLY pissing you off, you REALLY CAN say something. For instance, say: “Do you want to hear my latest news?” or whatever, or, if you’re feeling particularly ballsy, “It hurts my feelings when you don’t even ask about what I’m up to.”

Conversations shouldn’t be one-sided. You are under no obligation to deal with someone who brings you absolutely no pleasure. But, since she is an old friend, you may find that you just need to limit your dealings with her. Making sure you only talk to her once a month (or however long) may keep you from ripping her eyeballs out.

Just don’t let her get to you, okay? She can’ t bother you any more than you let her.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Need some more tough love? Get it all right here.

Questions for Tuffinski can be emailinskied to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and shoop.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend has recently gone on a study abroad trip for the rest of the summer.  He’s only been gone a week, and already I’ve noticed how drastically our relationship has changed.  For the first half of the summer, he always called many times a day and we visited each other every few weeks because we live in different states.  But now that he’s overseas, between the time difference and his busy schedule, there is no time for me! The trip he is on is with a huge group of his friends and is very party-oriented and it’s hard for me not to get jealous.

A big problem is that his phone does not work overseas so the only way for us to talk is for him to send me an email saying that he’s available to Skype, which goes to my Blackberry, and then I rush to a computer.  So I’m totally powerless to get in touch with him.  I end up getting really upset all the time just waiting to hear from him… which has only even happened once!! I really love him and when we’re together we never have problems and are very happy. But I don’t know what to do! Please help! Should I just wait it out and be miserable for the next month? I don’t want to send him anymore nagging emails about it because he says it makes him feel guilty and I can tell it’s not helping.

What should I do?

— Abandoned in the Eastern Time Zone

Dear Abandoned,

Okay, I gotta be honest, I got red flags all up and down my spine reading this. But Tuffy is a suspicious beast, so let’s come back to my concerns.

I can answer the surface part of your problem in two words: Phone date.

He can’t be reached, right? And then you’re totally at his whim?! No way, rosé!!! You guys just need a schedule.

Set times that will fit both your needs. He wants to go out partying with his friends at night? Great! Phone dates can be set for lunch breaks, or for breakfast time, or for whenever. Make sure you set enough phone dates a week so that you feel satisfied (let’s say, at least 4) and not so many that he feels stifled (um, no more than 7, please).

This doesn’t mean you can’t call each other at other times. By all means, if he’s available and feels like talking, he should give a call! But the phone dates are times that you are OBLIGATED to be available to one other. Think of it exactly as you would a regular date. Standing the other person up is really not an option and is actually quite shoopy.

So, phone dates. That’s pretty easy, right?
But Tuffy Luv gots her some concerns, too.

Why has he only called you once? I understand that he’s busy and having fun and all that, but ONCE?! That seems like an awful small number.

I don’t think it’s anything to get alarmed about. But if he puts up resistance to the phone date idea, I’d have a little talk with him if I were you. You’re being so considerate of his feelings. The least he could do is be a little considerate of yours. Still, judging from your letter, I have a feeling he’ll come around. Something tells Aunt Tuffy your boy just got a little caught up in the fun. He just gots to remember–you’re fun too!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

The (Fake) Phone Call:

You are walking home from class all alone when you think that person walking towards you kinda, sorta looks like the dude you made out with the other night/that girl your sorority rejected who won’t leave you alone/somebody else that you really don’t want to talk to.

You squint. You stare. You verify.

“Sh*t,” you think to yourself. “I really don’t want to talk to him/her.” But what are you supposed to do? You are walking alone (towards the person!); you have no out. You can’ just throw your iPod on – you would look like a total ass if you just walked right past jamming out to your favorite mix. And you can’t duck and cover; you’ve most likely already been spotted and hiding behind a tree is just weird.

There is only one option left: the cell phone fake out.

So, you reach into your pocket/bag, silence that sucker (because there is nothing more embarrassing than pretending to be on your phone and then having it ring in your ear), and begin a full-blown conversation with no one.

“Yeah, I thought the exam was hard. What did you think?” You ask the non-existent person on the other end of the line. You laugh, you answer questions and you continue this conversation as you pass by and wave to Person-You-Don’t Want-To-Talk-To.

You look back. He/she is far, far away, which means it is safe to give up the charade. You stick your phone back in your pocket and continue your leisurely stroll home.

Crisis averted.

And, no, you are not alone; we’ve all done it, too.

So, let’s bring it all out in the open. Right here. Because you are not alone - we’ve all been there before.]

The Awkward Call:

You wake up to the sunlight shining into your eyes. You open them and – whoa – the killer hangover sets in. Headache, nausea and a mouth filled with cotton. And then you roll over to find a man lying next to you.

And the entire evening comes flooding back: the drinks, the sloppy make out sesh in the kitchen of the bar, the striptease in the cab.

You lift the covers; yup, completely naked. Your bedmate stirs, opens his eyes and smiles at you. “Phew,” you think to yourself. “He’s pretty cute.” You begin the usual morning-after conversation – hangovers, “what the hell did I drink last night”s, and other niceties – before he starts rubbing your back.

You know where this is leading, but before things start heading there you need to brush that so-drunk-I-smoked- a-cigarette taste out of your mouth.

And then the phone rings. Your rifle through the pile of jeans and underwear on the floor and flip it open before you realize who it is: your grandma.

“Good morning honey! How are you?” Oh. My. God.

“How was your night last night? Are you in the library? Why are you whispering? How is all that studying coming along? What are you doing? Are you making me proud, you big college student?”

OhMyGodThisIsSoAwkward.

“Hi grandma,” you respond, sinking back into the bed.

You realize the severity of the situation – random dude next to you…naked…and your freaking grandma on the phone – but what are you supposed to do? You can’t hang up on grandma.

“Yeah, things are good… Yeah, I am studying…. No, I stayed in last night and caught up on my reading…Yeah, I know; school is really important.”

Eventually, after your grandpa and aunt have chimed in to say hello, you convince dear grandma that you must get back to the books (or that boy in the buff next to you) and end the most awkward conversation of all time. But the moment is lost. There is no way on earth you can do the naughty now.

Yeah, we’ve been there…and it sucks.

The semester’s off and running, the weather’s getting worse, and next summer feels like an eternity. It’s easy to find your mood plummeting, your motivation waning, and your usually chipper self turning into a snappy betch. Misery has a snowball effect: you’re grumpy, and it rubs off on your roommate; you’re already in a bad mood, and walking into a pop quiz can set you over the edge. Before the blahs take over your body, take time to stop, breathe, recharge and rejuvenate. Here are five quick pick-me-ups to get you out of a funk.

1. Sleep: You’ve been up at the crack of dawn every morning to hit the gym, struggle to stay awake through three back-to-back classes, rush to your part-time job, and finally head home to tackle several hours worth of homework. Of course you’re feeling dreary! Lack of sleep can have adverse psychological effects– take it from a girl who is known to burst into tears at the slightest provocation after pulling an all-nighter or two– so even if you can’t fit in a full eight hours of sleep a night, treat yourself to a long, comatose nap. When you wake up, you’ll be more energetic and alert, so it might even boost your studying stamina later in the week.

2. Treat Yourself: You’ve been running on empty for weeks, neglecting yourself in order to make a good impression on your professors, sorority sisters, friends, coworkers, etc. Do something nice for yourself. If you have some extra cash, buy yourself a new outfit. If you think you look good, you’re bound to feel good, too. Low on cash? Scrape together some change and download a couple of jams on i-Tunes. I mean, they’re only 99 cents most of the time– you deserve it! Get a track that will raise your spirits, like Flo Rida’s “In the Ayer,” DJ Laz’s “Move, Shake, Drop Remix” or, for a bubblegum pop sound, The Orion Experience’s “Obsessed with You.” Then, crank up your speakers and have your own personal dance party for a few minutes. It’ll be worth it.

3. Exercise: Everyone knows that cardio releases endorphins in your brain. When I’m in a bad mood, I take out my anger on the elliptical machine, and half an hour later, I’m dripping with sweat, I’ve burned 400 calories, and I forget what I was so frustrated with in the first place. If you’re really miserable and the first five minutes feels like forever, just pushing yourself to finish the circuit can feel like an accomplishment. If the university gym has a group exercise schedule, take advantage. You’re less likely to quit after ten minutes of Zumba when you’re surrounded by twenty of your peers, and chances are, the class comes equipped with some peppy beats.

4. Laugh it Off: Throw a Will Ferrell flick into the DVD player or catch up on The Office. Go online and waste your time at LOLcats or Yearbook Yourself. My personal favorite is Group Hug, which has been around longer than PostSecret. Whenever I read the confessions on this site, I either pee my pants, or just feel better about myself for having NOT done some of the shenanigans these strangers own up to.

Other ways to laugh it off? Grab your roommate and act like five-year-olds. My former roommate and I both had final exams the DAY BEFORE we graduated college. We needed to study, but couldn’t focus. We were stressed that we couldn’t focus, because we didn’t want to screw things up at the last minute. So what did we do? We put on our caps and gowns, and drew giant smiley faces on pillowcases and wore them over our heads.

We actually won a graduation-themed photo contest with that one. Of course, we can’t all be ruining our bedding every time we get stressed out, but I’ve found that a solid phone call with a good friend in which we recount the stupid sh*t we’ve done over the years also works wonders.

5. Blow Everything Off: If you decide to sleep, shop, work out, or watch a movie, chances are you’re blowing something off to do it. But sometimes, you need to put everything on pause. Working five shifts a week on top of your heavy course load? Take a night off… just because. Social schedule getting in the way? Turn off your phone and spend some QT with yourself. Social schedule nonexistent? It won’t kill you to skip your night class (just this once) and go dancing with your friends.

Hell, blow off your diet and 3-hour-a-day workout routine and eat a freaking piece of chocolate cake. You might be thinking, “There’s no way I have the time to blow everything off!” But sometimes, you have to choose your battles. If you stress yourself into a nervous breakdown, you won’t be getting any homework done from the psych ward.

[Any other funk-fighting tips?]

(photo from www.justlaura.com)

I remember having a drunken bonding moment with a really cool guy in college a few years ago, and he asked for my number. I asked for his screen name instead. I mean, IM-ing someone is so much more casual, and so much less stressful. You don’t have to feel your heart thumping through your chest as the phone rings. Is he going to answer? Is it going to go to voicemail? Is he blocking me? What do I say if he picks up?

With IM, you can see if he’s away or idle, and choose your own adventure from there. You can leave a casual “Just wanted to say I had a great time last night” IM, rather than starting a phone call with the same line and then struggling to make small talk. Likewise, you can make small talk behind the shield of the IM window, where he can’t hear your voice crack, and where you can copy and paste the whole convo to all of your girlfriends and get advice while you try to weed out his intentions.

And then came Facebook. The social network has made quite the mark on the dating scene. There’s the poke, which can be viewed as casual, flirty, or creepy. There’s the “it’s complicated” label for the relationship you’re in (finally- you can be open about having a f*ck buddy without warding off the rest of the male population!); and of course, there’s the wall post, which makes the casual IM seem like the awkward phone call of yesteryear.

I mean, the Facebook Comment is meant to be a quick exchange, with no pressure to make conversation. When you make a phone call, you have to come up with a discussion and keep the ball rolling. When you IM, there’s still the slight chance that he comes un-idle and writes back. With the F/B comment, it’s open and shut. Even if he writes back immediately, you can pretend you didn’t read it, and wait until the drunken-hookup hormones die down before you decide whether you want to pursue a fling or keep it casual.

Even better, the post-date phone call screams “interested.” So there’s not really a way to let someone down gently. You meet, you have a date, you feel a connection. Then you wait three days. If he calls, he wants you; if he doesn’t, you’re done. But Facebook gives people a chance to be “friends” first (and I use the term loosely, since Facebook friends and true camaraderie are entirely different entities). But the “friending” option is beneficial in two crucial ways. One, you don’t owe a Facebook friend anything. You don’t owe him a date, just like he doesn’t owe you an explanation if his last fifteen comments are from blonde supermodels in training. Two, since you don’t owe him a date, you can safely flirt through F/B until you know it’s time to make a move.

Say you meet someone at a party, and your buzz makes you believe you could be compatible. He calls, and you’re pressured to make some sort of plans. Then you have to fake food poisoning and skip out on the check because the beer goggles have flown off with the force of a Kansas tornado. However, if you have access to his Facebook, you can check out his interests, his friends, and, most importantly, his photos. You can also poke and message for an undetermined amount of time, and bide your time until you’re ready to meet up again.

Yeah, Facebook and Myspace have their flaws, which you’ll discover when you’re denied a job because a recruiter saw your kegstand photos during a background check. But they’ve changed the face of relationships. And personally, I think the dating scene has gotten easier. Nobody ever got an STD from a cyber-poke.

[photo from jupiterimages]

You just broke up a few weeks ago!

Your friends are saying you broke up for a reason, right?

It’s better left this way.

Right.

Yea, sometimes you do break up for a reason. And sometimes, your gut tells you that you are better off without him, as scary as it may be to force yourself to move on in the scary world of single people.

But sometimes, it doesn’t feel right after a break up. Or you didn’t get that closure you needed to move on. Or, you just want him back, plain and simple, can’t live without him and don’t want to.

But in order to get him back, you gotta reach out.

That’s where the Post Break-up Phone Call comes in. Get ready for some uneasy awkwardness, stuttering and lots and lots of underarm sweating!

And that’s before you even pick up the phone.

I don’t know if it’s the website for desperate people everywhere, or a website for the ultimate romantics, but GetMyExBack.com has some tips and advice for people who are in post break-up limbo. Regarding the phone call, here are the highlights, which I’ll create my own takes on:

“Let the Dust Settle.” DO NOT attempt to win him back, like, seven minutes after you break up. Emotions are still flying. You need to give it time, because you never know – after a week or so, you may not even want him back at all! Maybe you finally talked to that hot guy in your class who always looked over at you and maybe that was enough to help you realize there are more guys out there. Who knows? But calling him too quickly could be baaaad, so don’t risk it.

“Create a Plan of Action.” To me, this means sitting down and literally writing up rough drafts of what I’m going to say, reading it fifty times, proofreading it, editing it with a red pen, reading it out loud and practicing the tones in my voice to really get that impact. Yea, I’m crazy, but it’s certainly a plan of action. If you wing it, you could end up sounding like a moron and he won’t buy it.

“Be Positive.” Basically, DON’T CRY. He needs to hear that you are being a strong woman who is simply trying to get back what she rightfully deserves. You could be balling inside, but don’t show it. Be firm. Be rational. Be calm. Be positive! Yippy!

“Give It Time.” You should be able to feel out his reaction within this initial phone call, and you’ll know whether or not you’ll be able to eventually weasel yourself back into his life afterwards. It may not be right away, but you know him well enough to tell if he’s about to bend. If he calls you any of these names, and/or laughs into the receiver and hangs up, it’s better to leave things broken. For now. Maybe he’ll bend later.

Whatever the case, don’t make the Post Break-Up Phone Call unless you’re ready to accept the outcome, good or bad.

After going through a break up of my own with my longterm, long distance relationship ex, I myself picked up the phone after letting the dust between us settle and called him. And even though my intention wasn’t really to “win him back,” it feels good to be talking again and seeing where things end up.

Follow your gut. Be strong. Or find this girl. She seems like she can really help.