If a guy wearing a big furry hat, black nail polish, and eyeliner thicker than yours walked up to you in a bar and threw insults your way, would you suddenly become weak-kneed and fall into his arms?

Me either.

But apparently, a lot of women do. Which is why there’s a new show on VH1 called The Pick-Up Artist, starring one of the worst dressed men I’ve ever seen in my life, Mystery.

Yes. That’s the name he wants the world to call him.

Evidently, Mystery (God, it’s so hard to type that) is one of the best Pick-Up Artists in the world (How was this decided? Was there a Pick-Up Artist Olympics?), and he wants to share his tips and tricks with a bunch of viginy losers of national television. Mystery guarantees he will change these men’s lives, while making them irresistible to the ladies.

I was only able to catch half an episode (there’s only been one so far), but from what I saw, the 8 contestants were definitely socially defunct, and Mystery and his henchmen are stuck in the 90’s (anyone who thinks a tiny soul patch and hair paint is a good idea deserves to be punched). Some of Mystery’s techniques may help his students in the long run, but I was so deeply disturbed by the man’s fashion sense that I could hardly able to concentrate on what the episode was about.

He wears a hat with fuzz on it. A hat with fuzz. On it. No matter how smooth a guy is, if he comes up to me wearing a fuzzy hat—and taking it seriously—I will not talk to him. Period. I don’t even need to know what he has to say. It’s already obvious we won’t get along.

As much as the idea of this show makes me cringe, I may just have to watch it. Simply because I must know if that hat is worn into bars with success.