Hablar con la mano, bro.

Have you ever been at the receiving end of some romantic advances you just weren’t that into?  Did you try to throw out subtle clues that “short and middle-aged with two kids and alimony payments” wasn’t your type?  Did this dude just not quite get it?

Well, a new study has found that men deemed as having “aggressive” pickup tactics just don’t always receive the not-interested memo as quickly as their more in-tune counterparts.  Fear not, gals, for I’m thinking you need to up the ante and throw out the most obvious “NO!” you can conjure.

Short of shouting in his face, here are a few tricks that shouldn’t fail you (and shouldn’t fail to give your onlooking friends a laugh).

Stop Him Mid-Sentence and Break Out the Faux Sign Language
Unless he volunteers with deaf children on the weekends, he’ll have no idea what’s going on and not want to find out.  Think this is an incredibly insensitive and inappropriate move?  Well think about how incredibly insensitive and inappropriate it’ll be when broseph decided to slip his hand down the back of your jeans.  You’ll be glad you whipped out the big (finger) guns.

Refuse the Drink He Just Bought You
Sometimes you’ve got to play the bitch in order to escape.  So you told him “No, thanks” when he offered to refresh your gin and tonic.  But he ordered it anyway.  Then you said “No, thanks” when he slid the new drink your way.  But he still placed it in front of you.  Don’t drink it and look in the opposite direction.  911 eye signals to your best buds should bring in the reinforcements, leaving you with a new circle to talk to.

Praise the Lord
You know how some people pray before eating?  Well, grab his hands and insist you need to bless the alcohol you’re about to consume.  If you really want to go for the gold, close your eyes and start speaking in tongues before dropping to the floor in a shaking fit.  He’ll think he’s watching Sunday morning public television in Texas, and you’ll be relieved of his company faster than Jesus could cure a leper.

Out-Do Him
So he’s telling you how he’s 43 still living with his mother and dog, Mr. Waggles?  Tell him that you recently contracted Herpes and are thinking of a sex change.  Does he have a thing for NASCAR and those gross beer can helmets with the long straws?  No habla Ingles.

Walk Away
When all else fails, simply walk away.  Don’t worry about hurting his pride; there are at least six other girls at the bar who are just dying to try these moves out on him.

Well, that gives us a bit of hope.

Those rescued miners are about the make the big bucks.

‘BREAKING DAWN’ CASTING ANNOUNCEMENTS!!

When your guy’s fantasies are really disturbing…

That’s a deal breaker!

The 10 worst pick-up lines ever. Really.

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Guy: “I have a goldfish.”
Girl: “….. What?”
Guy: “I thought we were talking about things that don’t matter.”

There’s nothing that says I’m a creeper more than a terrible pick-up line comparing your eyes to the Pacific ocean (or the Gulf of Mexico, eeks). Maybe the only way to fix this creeper catastrophe is to take the bull by the horns…. and hope it doesn’t blow up in your face.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes a creeper manages to slide under your radar and you actually end up dating for a few months. Long enough that you are at a gift-exchanging stage. You spend weeks looking for a perfect gift, scouting out tickets on StubHub, hoping all of your hard work will be rewarded with THE blue box. Nope. Instead you get a Build-a-Bear (hello junior high) or something equally as inappropriate.

Or worse, this happens.

Yeah. If all this isn’t a sign that you shouldn’t pick up dudes at the bar, I don’t know what is.

Every week I make a list. Not a grocery list or a to-do list…or that list, because I don’t really do groceries (there is a reason why they deliver pizza), to-do lists are totally not my scene (if such a scene even exists) and, unfortunately, I haven’t added to that list in quite awhile. My lists are more vital to your everyday lives, like the best party themes and ten things that are really annoying.

And this week, this list focuses on my favorite subject: boys.

Whenever you’re out at a party, bar or club, you always seem to spot that hottie. “The rules” tell us that we’re not supposed to go after that cutie in the button down and that they should come crawling to us with a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. Hello? It’s 2010. The flowers are jagerbombs and the box of chocolates are a flock of bro-dudes that are c-blocking you from your boy of choice. Here’s 10 ways to snag that cutie and get more than some digits.

10. Use the cheesiest pick-up line known to mankind
“Do you have a mirror in your pants? Cause I totally see myself in them?”

9. Buy HIM a drink
Easy enough. Easier if it’s shots of tequila.

8. Start talking to his friends
The best way to get in with the cutie? Start chatting up his friends first!

7. Send him a filthy text message
Already got his digits? Get right to the point and come on strong with a hardcore flirty text message. You might be surprised what your bold attitude can do.

6. Compliment Him
You’d be surprise how something as simple as “I really love those shoes” might just work. Hey, guys spend time on picking out their “going-out” gear too!

5. Get a Little Physical
Like Olivia Newtown John said, get physical. Find any reason to touch him, it’ll show him that you’re interested and get him going.

4. Wear something that makes you feel sexy
He’ll be impressed by your self-confidence and how you look like a knock-out in that LBD.

3. Of course, welcome a drink from him
Make sure he knows you like your dirty martinis extra, extra dirty. [Wink]

2. Be Observant
Is he wearing a Red Sox hat? Yankees jersey? Band tee shirt? Pick up on what his interests are and bring it up right away. Even if you have to use your phone to do a little research on who plays for the Rangers.

1. Get him going with a game
Start playing a little truth or dare in the bar. Nothing opens possibilities and gets to the point like the old school games. Not to mention, with brand new technology you can get down and dirty then and there at the bar with hot iPhone games to heat things up like Vegas Spin the Bottle.

Paris Hilton is giving up her partying ways. Again.

Oklahoma not really into a woman’s right to choose.

Jennifer Hudson shows off her new son.

Do you fart in front of your guy?

Michael Vick gets a reality show!?

10 rules of the pick-up.

Every magazine we’ve ever read since childhood has spouted off Top 10 lists of where to meet men (yeah, I’m pretty sure Highlights even touched on that subject).  At this point in my life, the potential places to meet men have been pounded into my head.  Yet, I still have some issues actually getting a dude.

What am I doing wrong?

These magazines that direct us toward sports bars and dog parks are leaving out a major detail – what to do when you’re actually near a high concentration of testosterone.  It’s not enough to just saunter into the Apple store and expect any and all men to fall at your feet, begging for your phone number (and besides, that only happens when I go to ComicCon).  You have to be able to work it and divert your target’s attention away from whatever tempted him away from his XBox in the first place.  I mean, it can get pretty difficult to strike up a conversation with a guy during a spin class (it can also be pretty hard to breath during a spin class).

So, to help you out, we’ve decided to take the best of the man-heavy locations and give you suggestions as to how to utilize them effectively.

The Market – Obviously, if you’re at the market, you’re already in the mindset of a discerning shopper.  You have an eye for freshness, quality, and price.  Why not apply that to the men as well?  Especially if they’re loitering in your favorite section (whether that be the ice-cream aisle or the cookie aisle…).  Stand a few feet away from the dude, consider the selection, and make a random comment, perhaps about the sad rise in prices of your favorite breakfast cereal.  If he picks up the cue, you’ve got an in.

Political Rally – I’m slightly skeptical about this one.  After all, people who go to political rallies are there to…rally.  Not flirt.  But! Since emotions will be flying high and people will be jumping, screaming, and knocking into each other, I think there might be some potential here.  Since you’re both probably on the same political grounds, throw out an opinion about the candidate/cause for which you’re rallying.  See if you can’t get him into a debate…over dinner and drinks.

The Gym – Ah, the classic man-tastic spot.  Who doesn’t feel like a winner after a sweaty half-hour on the treadmill (in sweatpants with no make-up, of course)?  Sweat stains aside, you can’t exactly ambush a dude during a kick boxing class.  So, my tip is the water cooler.  Most gyms have a water station (or towel station, apple station, etc.) and when you’re both taking a break, you can shoot a smile his way and compliment the body for which he’s worked so hard.  That is, once you’ve caught your breath (from the exercise, not his amazing body…or both).

Home Depot – It makes sense that a lot of dudes would be all up in the Home Depot.  I even like it, once I get over the initial shock of being around so many instruments of death and destruction (I don’t like hammers).  I guess this would be the place to play the “damsel in distress” card if you can.  “Oh, I can’t reach that electric saw two stories above me! Can you help me?” is a completely appropriate pick-up line.  So is making suggestive pantomimes with a tape-measure (j/k…sort of).

University Coffee Shop - This is really a no-brainer.  The selection of guys grows exponentially the closer you are to any university (except, perhaps, an all-girls university).  As we all know, there’s almost nowhere better to find them all grouped together than in the local coffee shop (except the bars…and the cafeterias).  Hit it around exam week (make sure to bring your own books), offer to buy a cutie a cup of joe to supplement his studying and then commence the traditional exam week complaints.  Set a date for after you both finish with exams.  That way, you’ll have something to live for after you fail that chemistry final.

Steak House – Initially, this sounded like a horrible idea.  What could be uglier than a chick sitting by herself at a steak house and scarfing a massive slab of meat?  But, you can make this work.  Grab some friends, maybe pre-game a little, and show up without a reservation.  That way you  have some time to stand around and survey the possibilities.  Lock on a target and try to bump into him when he gets up.  Discuss the glories of red meat and other activities you both enjoy.  Done deal.  Dateness.

*Disclaimer:  These aren’t guarantees.  I’d actually be hella surprised if I tried any of these and they worked for me.  Be fun to try though, right?

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize?

Miss Manners says: Nope. It’s better and more respectable if you’re upfront with the guy rather than lead him on out of pity/kindness.  And, let’s be honest, you don’t want to have to screen your calls for the next 6 months out of fear that he’s not moving on….

Try one of these tactics to deliver the news instead:

Lie. Ahhh… The cornerstone of all etiquette: the white lie. Apologize and tell him that you have a boyfriend or tell him you dropped your brand new Blackberry down the toilet (true story). Yes, of course lying is bad and oft looked down on, but sometimes a white lie is more forgiving than the truth – as long as you don’t get too crazy with your story (“I have a penis”) and nobody gets harmed in the process.
Be wary of: Betting caught in your lie. Trust me, it’s pretty humiliating and you could end up with the “bitch” label. And news of a bitch spreads fast.

Politely excuse yourself… and run to the nearest restroom/exit. Say, “I’m sorry but I have to go,” with an air of finality so he gets the hint.
Be wary of: Him NOT getting the hint and waiting outside the bathroom door for you. Creepy? Yes. Possible? Definitely.

Try the truth (nicely). My preferred method, of course, as long as it’s delivered with tact. You don’t have to be mean about it. An apologetic, “You’re just not my type” will get your point across and you won’t have to worry about it/him haunting you in the future.
Be wary of: Hurting him – although, to be honest, any method of rejection will probably bruise his ego. And while you never want to be a mean heart-stomping bitch, it’s time to do what’s best for you and not worry about the weird creeper in the process.

So in conclusion, rejection is a dirty business, but in some cases it just has to be done. Don’t ever feel like you have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with because etiquette deems it so. If you don’t want to give that turd your number, don’t.

Anyway, I’m dying to hear about your rejection stories/tips. Leave a comment and tell me all about it!

Not me. But it turns out that great dudes are all over the place—you just have to know where to look and how to strike. Read on.

1. Smile.
This might sound dumb, but everybody’s attracted to a good smile. You can’t pick up a guy if you look sour, so flash those pearly whites. You never know when somebody cute is going to look your way.

2. Be who you wish you were.
If you’re shy but you really want to be outgoing and flirty, what’s stopping you? It’s hard to overcome labels you’ve placed on yourself, but you’re the only person who has the power to change things. So rather than slinking back into a corner, cross the room and talk to that hot dude. And hold your head up like you mean it.

3. Be open.
This does not translate to “Be desperate.” Instead, what I mean is that you should believe that you can meet guys anywhere—including at the grocery store. You don’t have to actively look, but you do have to acknowledge that the possibility is always there.

4. Be charming, but stay yourself.
Sometimes, I put out my best traits right away when I meet a guy in hopes that I’ll be able to nab him. It usually works, but the relationship doesn’t have much staying power when he realizes I have other personality traits that aren’t compatible with his. You can be charming and be 100% yourself at the same time, and that’s something I fully recommend. If you turn out to really like a guy, the relationship is much more likely to last a while if you show him who you are right away.

5. Look hot.
To everyone who says looks don’t matter, I say, “Are you kidding me?” Of course they matter, and that’s why you should heed the advice of the “What Not to Wear” crew when they say that you should always look great. Plus, caring about your appearance and putting together a look shows that you care about yourself, and that’s hot, too.

6. Don’t discriminate.
If the emo guy who keeps smiling at you in class isn’t exactly your type, don’t discount him just because you spend your nights dreaming about jocks. Emo Dude could have a few surprises in store and a killer sense of humor, and you’d never know unless you took a chance on him. So go for some variety!

Creeper [kreep-ur] -noun. 1. A person or thing that creeps. 2. A domestic fowl having malformed, short legs, due to a genetic defect. 3. An individual who stares, lurks or makes awkward and unwanted advances to undeserving women.

Today, College Candy readers, we will be learning about Creepers (definition 3…who may also fall into description #2) and what one can do to deflect their advances. We have all been at a bar or some type of similar venue and had a creeper (of varying severity) approach and had no idea how to handle the situation. Well, here’s your answer.

Stage 1 Creeper (Loosely defined as an awkward guy, your age or older, who won’t stop staring and/or making small talk. Naturally, you have accepted a drink already.)

1. Who wants to come to the bathroom with me?

After accepting a free drink (you earned it, little miss push up bra!), a graceful way of parting is to go to the bathroom. When drinking, it is perfectly acceptable to bring 3-10 girls with you into a bathroom, so your whole crew can be removed from the creeper situation.

2. Ahhh, I love this song!

As soon as you have that free drink safely in your hand, raise it up and toast to your favorite song, turn your back to your friends and get in the middle of the dancing circle. Migrate away from the bar and in time, your creeper will be gone (but that buzz he bought you won’t!).

3. No thanks

Saying no to a drink is incredibly hard for a cash-strapped college lady, but it’s the easiest way to get the point across to someone that you just aren’t interested. You won’t owe him anything and you can get away ASAP. I applaud girls who do this on a regular basis… but can’t say that I am one of them.

Stage 2 Creeper (Loosely defined as an undesirable guy, your age or older, who won’t leave you alone and/or follows your group around. He may have friends, and they may all be drunk, which makes him even harder to get rid of. You may have already accepted drinks.)

1. I love being out of the closet!

Okay, I may have done this, like 2 weeks ago, and it works. I grabbed my friend and said something like, “OMG, I am so glad we are lesbians now!” Our creepers heard this and were either drunk enough to believe we were gay or thought we were immature/permanently disinterested. Either way, we got our point across.

2. Honestly…

All you gotta say is “You can buy me a drink, but honestly, I have no interest in hooking up with you whatsoever.” A friend of mine told me she did this the other night at a bar and the guy who was hardcore creeping felt so bad he bought her a drink and left her alone! Hey, if guys can be sketchily forward with us, why can’t we be forward back?

Stage 3 Creeper (Loosely defined as a generally creepy man, most likely older than you, who just won’t get the hint. These responses are for when you are up Creeper Creek without a paddle (or a tazer), and/or just want to have a little fun. Do not get drinks from this one. Seriously.)

1. You’re the one

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so why not try this counter-intuitive example? Freak him out Wedding-Crashers-style and tell him, after he stops talking/ogling, something along the lines of “My psychic told me I’d meet my husband tonight and he was right!” I am sure he will stay a good 30 feet away from you for the rest of the night.

2. Baby Mama

If you can keep a straight face, tell that creep you are either a) Preggers and unable to drink b) getting a text message from your kids or c) a combination of the two. There is nothing less attractive then the prospect of coming back to your place and being interrupted by contractions or crying babies.

3. GET AWAY FROM ME

The creepiest of creepers are never good with taking hints. If you are hammered or just really fed up/revolted, tell that creeper straight up to GET AWAY FROM YOU. I have a friend who does this a lot, and her hostility sure wards em’ off. And of course, if he still doesn’t get it and starts getting even creepier, get a bartender or bouncer involved.

Anyone else have any other good ideas to ward off creepers?