The other day a friend of mine counted the amount of times I used the word douche. The number was shockingly high, something like 20 times within a half an hour. This got me thinking….I was either very irrate about something and was on a ranting rampage, OR there are many types of doucheness. So, I thought I would break it down so you too can put to use this fantastic word.

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:

The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:

Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:

The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry. Read More »

I think I’ve said it before, but I’m not really into vegan things. I haven’t had a lot of experience with vegan food, but whenever I do find it in my mouth (gosh. That sounds so dirty!), it’s usually a slightly bland and…slightly grainy… experience. I repeat, I haven’t had many vegan delicacies, but really, one strangely gritty slice of tofurky is enough.

So, you’re going to have to trust me when I tell you this vegan cherry pie is just delightful. A friend recently brought it to a party and before they could say “that crust is totally vegan!!”, it was gone. Mostly thanks to me and my two helpings.

While a little long, this recipe is surprisingly simple.

Vegan Pie (Crust)

2 1/4 Cups All-Purpose Flour

1 Teaspoon Salt

3/4 Cup Cup Vegetable Shortening

4-6 Tablespoons Ice Water

1.) In large bowl mix flour and salt. With pastry blender or 2 knives, cut in shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs.

2.) Sprinkle in ice water, 1 Tablespoon at a time, mixing lightly with fork after each addition, until dough is just moist enough to hold together. (the less water you use, the flakier the crust) Read More »

I love Chicken Pot Pie. If it’s at all possible for words to have a taste, home tastes like creamy chicken and pie crust.

Chicken Pot Pie gets a bad rap for being kind of time consuming but there are some very easy short cuts to take to go from unpacking groceries to hot and ready pot pie in less than 50 minutes (45 if you’re a good chopper).

Ingredients:

1 Medium Yellow Onion

3 Carrots

3 Celery Stalks

1 Cup of Frozen Peas

1 TB Butter

1 Store-Bought Rotisserie Chicken

2 Cans of Cream of Chicken Soup (10 3/4 oz. Use A Name Brand)

1 Cup of Milk

1 Box of Roll-Out Pie Crusts

1 Egg

Directions Read More »

Rice Krispie treats turn me on. They’re easy, they’re delicious, and you can get away with calling them “breakfast”…

If you’re like me, and enjoy sugar first thing, try this recipe out for a morning snacker. Any excuse to eat dessert for breakfast is a good excuse to me, and thanks to Snap, Crackle and Pop…8:30 AM is going to taste just a little bit sweeter.

DIRECTIONS: Read More »

[If you count calories, don't even read this. Seriously - it will just be torture]

I got this recipe from allrecipies.com when I wanted to make a dessert for Christmas that required no baking. My family loved and hated me for it – love because it’s freaking delicious and hate because – well, you read my warning.

It’s super easy to make and only requires that you’re able to stir and that you have a microwave and a fridge.

Here’s what you’ll need (allrecipies.com claims that this pie yield 8 servings, but it’s pretty rich, so you might get more out of it)

1 chocolate piece crust (9″)**

**I know that the original calls for a graham cracker crust and then the melting of hershey kisses to spread over the crust but trust me when I say that it’s a total pain in the ass and you’re better off using the chocolate crust.

1 8 oz. package of cream cheese softened (you can use reduced fat it you want; I never tried it with fat free, so I won’t suggest it)

3/4 cup of white sugar

1 cup of creamy peanut butter – your choice (You could use reduced fat PB, but I don’t know how that tastes, so I leave that up to you) Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 95

Mood: Stuffed

“So…” I clicked the old flashlight onto a brighter option and pulled my hat farther down onto my face. “How was Thanksgiving at your aunt’s?”

Even though I had secretly wished he had forgotten, Daniel B. had arrived at my house a few minutes after 7 on Thanksgiving night, a giant blue coat around his skinny frame and a round plate covered in tinfoil in his hands. I had prepared my parents and my two sets of aunts and uncles for his possible arrival, but as soon as I saw his twitching face behind our glass door, I knew all the preparation in the world couldn’t save this night from becoming extremely awkward.

After an hour of good-natured attempts at questions around our large wooden table, I had suggested Daniel B. and I take my old dog Spud out for a walk. My dad’s bushy white eyebrows went up at that suggestion, and I did my best to shoot him a “don’t get any stupid ideas” look.

Usually, you invite a guy to take a walk at night because you want to make things romantic. This invitation had nothing to do with romance, and everything to do with alleviating some of the unwieldy tension in the air.

Once we were outside, our boots crunching against a tiny layer of snow that had fallen on the quiet street, my body started to relax and I could breathe normally again. I mean, I loved my parents, but my mom and dad were both older, around 65, and often didn’t comprehend me as well as I wanted them to. I don’t think they understood that I had I invited Daniel B. over out of politeness. I think they actually thought I liked him. Read More »