This week, a JetBlue pilot had a breakdown on-board a flight from New York City to Las Vegas. He started wandering around, flipping switches, and yelling about bombs and Al Qaeda. Luckily, his copilot did some really quick thinking. He convinced the pilot to leave the cockpit and then locked him out. When the pilot started to panic and scream at passengers to say their prayers, a group of passengers tackled him and held him down until the plane could make an emergency landing.

We all remember the time that JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater dramatically quit his job and then slid out of the plane on the emergency chute. That was pretty funny, but given this pilot episode, I’m glad I never fly JetBlue. It seems like they need to screen their employees a bit more intensely. This kind of news terrifies me, because I go to college far from home. There’s no way for me to get home to visit my family without getting on a plane, so I do a lot of flying.

These days, every time I get on a plane, I don’t even bother to hope that the experience will be good. I just hope that I’ll make it to my final destination in one piece. Inspired by the dangers of flying, here are eight things you never want to hear your pilot say.

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Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. She is “that person” who starts dancing at a party when everyone else is standing around, and if there were a Facebook stalking Olympics, she would be a gold medalist. She also loves cheesy 90s music, and almost died of happiness when Vanilla Ice retweeted her. Once. Follow her on Twitter @garnethenderson.

[Lead image via Jeff Thrower/Shutterstock]

Would you want this guy taking you 30,000 feet in the air?

Drinking on the job seems like such an enticing idea. Make the work day a little more bearable, ya know? I know I’d be a hell of a lot friendlier to those jerks taking out books at the campus library if I had a little Ketel One in me. Sure, I’d be making 412 runs to the bathroom, but everything is more fun when you’re drunk…and re-shelving books could sure use a little boost of fun.

But after hearing countless stories of drunken pilots getting stopped moments before taking flight, I realized that there are some careers that are simply not suitable for boozing. For example:

Your Pilot: Does the phrase “do not operate heavy machinery” mean nothing to you, man!? Your flight home for winter break may soon become a terror ride as your highly intoxicated pilot does figure eights in the sky… and then right into the ground.

Your Gyno: At first thought, a drunk gyno doesn’t seem so bad. I mean it’s basically the same thing as drunk foreplay on a Saturday night, right? Wrong. One wrong move and those exploratory tools can become a torture device… in the wrong hole. I shudder to think.

Your Hairdresser: Never drink and drive. And never drink and cut. The combination of alcohol and scissors is terrifying, especially so close to my face. Chances are you’re going to leave there looking like this. And that’s not gonna grow out pretty, I’ll tell you that much. Read More »

In this episode, the Lohans FINALLY get to Vegas! They didn’t fly there in a private jet though, which I’m gonna admit was a bit of a let down (I expected some major control issues and perhaps Dina’s debut as a pilot), and there was no liquor fueled dramz. While the episode was age appropriately absent of hard booze, it was heavy on the whine.

For some reason, Ali chooses to adopt an even more nasally tone for this 25 minute tribute to ungratefulness. She complains in this obnoxious tantrum pending voice about all of the trials life has delivered to her. Like the fact that she, her awesome brother and (arguably) cool mom have to live in a tricked out penthouse at the Palms while she records her album. I guess it gets pretty taxing when you’re attending all of these exhausting “Welcome to Vegas!” parties (with delicious looking cake) thrown just for you by the f*#king Maloufs.

Ugh, sorry about that. Anyways, Dina introduces Ali (who is wearing a gorgeous but way too mature minidress) to a bunch of important 30 something guys that she wants Ali to “get comfortable with.” Dina baby, they’re mentally undressing your 14 year old — not very comfort inducing, I would say. The men all flirt with Ali while she fidgets, present her the aforementioned cake (note to self, go buy something with chocolate as soon as I’m done writing) and begin an episode long tradition of complimenting Ali and promising her she’s the next big thing. Read More »