Mmm. Afterbirth...

I’m all for living an organic lifestyle. There’s simply no reason not to. But I draw the line at smearing birthing excrement on my face.

Gross, I know, but Hollywood is telling me that the new fountain of youth comes from the very beginning of youth itself.  So alert the media: the new craze for the beauty-obsessed is placenta facials.

Just to make sure we’re all clear, placenta is a temporary organ joining the mother and fetus. It transfers oxygen and nutrients from the mother to the fetus, and permits the release of carbon dioxide and waste products from the fetus. But don’t worry, the facial itself is “ordinary-smelling.” Phew, because I smelling like afterbirth and fetal waste is the real problem here.

Although it may be vile, placenta is rich in proteins and zinc, so it can’t be discredited just because it came out of someone’s birth canal.  And it’s not like weirder things haven’t happened.

I blame Victoria Beckham. She told the world she was rubbing bird poop on her face and the next thing you know people are scraping fresh droppings off their windshields and saving it for a nighttime facial treatment. I believe this was at the same time people were using bull’s semen as a leave-in conditioner. That just leaves me wondering how said semen was protracted. All kinds of nasty.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a rash of Placenta Snatchers showing up bedside at the birth of children everywhere, led by none other than Joan Rivers. Protect your placenta, new mothers.

Oh, the things people will do for beauty.

Whenever I’m tired I run to my nearest Starbucks for a Venti coffee. Or, if I’m desperate, to the local 7-11 for a Sugar Free Red Bull. Those trusty little guys have gotten me through many a finals, hangovers and long days of class.

But maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong. Maybe instead of dumping my hard earned cash into coffee and energy drinks I should have turned to placentas. Mmmm. That’s what men and women are doing in Japan. Health spas have popped up all over the place offering people an IV drip of various vitamins and placenta extracts to improve the health and body of the recipient.

Even men are getting a daily dose of placenta juice.

According to some, placenta is good for treating fatigue, menopause, healing wounds and even restoring liver cells! It’s like a wonder drug; a cureall! Except that it’s gross. I mean, it’s placenta. You know, the gross stuff that comes out after a baby?

I don’t care if that stuff causes immediate weight loss and the ability to make me look like Blake Lively; there is no way in hell someone is pumping some woman’s placenta into my arm.

Would you do it?