To put it bluntly: Melrose Place version 2.0 is a train wreck. And who are we (and the producers) going to point the finger of blame at? Ashlee Simpson, of course. Booed off the stage and now off the set, the girl can’t seem to catch a break. But is anyone really surprised?

We’ve all seen it.  The singer-turned-actor crossover move that has critics telling stars time and time again not to quit their day jobs. But in Ashlee Simpson’s case, I’m not sure what day job she has to fall back on. Now that she has been fired from Melrose Place, I think Ashlee should take a long look at her life’s work before she makes her next career move.

Let’s face facts: the girl can’t sing. We all remember when she blamed acid reflux for her Milli-Vanilli-esque stunt on Saturday Night Live in 2004. I think the entire world breathed a sigh of relief when Ashlee claimed she might never be able to sing again. (Could she ever?) What happened to that? I could have done without the “Bittersweet World” album. Me and the three other people who purchased it demand our money back. (And my dignity having just admitted to buying that…)

So perhaps singing wasn’t her forte. In a bold move, Ashlee decided to try her hand at acting. Melrose Place was a big undertaking, I give her that much. But honestly, while she may have been promising in her small role on 7^th Heaven, whatever talent she had then seems to have dissipated in a sea of plastic surgery and hair extensions. Besides, if Heather Locklear says she’s gotta go, then the girl’s gotta go.

But the good news here is, no one really watches Melrose Place anyway. If you’re going to crash and burn, for the millionth time, at least the whole world isn’t going to be there to point and laugh at you. Even Jessica called the show crap. But then again, what does she know? Her last acting job was a movie called “Major Movie Star.”

I’m deeply sorry for your loss, Ashlee. It looks like plastic surgery isn’t a career-saver after all.

Who doesn’t want to have their cake and it eat too? Well what if you could have your cake, eat it and up your cup size all at the same time without doing permanent damage to your figure? It sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?

In Miami, a plastic surgeon is sucking out the fat in women’s unsightly muffin tops and injecting it into their breasts. Talk about killing two birds with one huge suction device. Minimize the love handles, maximize the love jugs. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Now that I think about it, it seems so obvious. Women have been getting liposuction for years. Why waste all that precious fat when it could be put to good use and make you look slammin’ in a halter top?

Honestly, I can see the appeal of this type of procedure. It’s essentially rearranging the fat on my body until it’s in its rightful place… my bra. Plus, just think of the days leading up to the procedure: “Sorry guys, I have to eat this entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s by myself. I have surgery tomorrow.”

So the next time the dreaded drunk munchies hit, I won’t hold myself back from ordering the large Domino’s pizza with breadsticks. In fact, bring it on. I’m really lacking up top and I’ve got some new skinny jeans to fit into.

Those Twilight people are really selling out.

The worst celebrity plastic surgery.

The 80s are back in a major way.

Lady Gaga “tones it down” in Israel.

Heidi Klum is done having kids.

Australia does plus-size fashion. Well.

"I'm 22, dammit!"

I look very young for my age. If scientists took a lunch break from developing anti-aging creams and instead studied my delayed aging process they could figure out how to make everyone look eleven years younger (I had to one-up the TLC show).

When I tell people I just graduated from school they automatically assume middle school and tell me that I’ll  grow out of my awkward teen years soon. And when they find out that I’m actually 22 they reassure me that once I’m older I’ll appreciate looking younger. Like, great, when I’m 78 I’ll look 75. I’ll really impress all the men then; they’ll be wetting their Depends just to get with a young broad like me.

Throughout this whole summer I’ve tried to casually walk into bars only to be stopped by massive bouncers looking for an ID. They stare at them for hours trying to figure out how I got such a good fake and if I had to sneak out of my house to be there. They always reluctantly hand it back to me as if it ruined their night that I’m actually of age. By the time the bouncers are done scanning my ID for all possible forgeries, my friends are six pitchers deep and I’m shamed into actually feeling like I used a fake.

It’s like some sick joke that I’m technically too old to go back to college yet I don’t look old enough to be out without parental supervision.

When people actually do guess my correct age range (I accept 17-22) I blush and swoon. No other compliment gets me as heated as someone telling me I look my age. It’s the secret to my heart and I will spend the rest of the night feeling insanely mature. I give out free advice left and right because when I look older, I feel wiser. And everyone appreciates advice from the old and wise.

Anyways, since my internship is wrapping up shortly and no one has gotten around to fixing the economy yet, I’m about to have a lot of time on my hands. Time that I will fill with happy hours (or getting carded/double carded/strip searched attempting to get into the happy hours) and researching an alternative plastic surgery method that would give me the opposite effects of a face lift.

Real life is….awesome. (Note: that was sarcasm.)

My optimistic side says (hopes?) that this video is a joke, but a large part of me wonders how much truth there is in it. We’ve all seen those crazy pageant moms teasing their 3-year-olds’ hair and covering their faces in makeup, so I’m not sure injecting their foreheads with Botox is really far off.

Joke or not, the video is WTF-ridonkulous. And the girl is just presh (even if she’s lookin’ a little old).

We are definitely fans of Do-It-Yourself projects (we have a new one every Tuesday!). Whether it’s making your own yummy buttercream, or creating a new hairstyle, DIY activities are the best. But one thing’s for sure: you won’t be seeing us try any DIY cosmetic surgeries around here. We never even thought that was an option until we heard about a 54-year-old woman who thought she’d do her own silicone injections. Needless to say, that $10 vial of liquid silicone she bought online left less than stellar results.

And she thought those wrinkles were bad….

I’m pretty confident I don’t need to warn CC readers of the dangers of DIY cosmetic surgery (I’d like to think you are smarter than the average desperate 54-year-old), but just to be safe, let’s break down a few things that should never be DIY.

Piercings
Although this act may be seemingly harmless, it is far from it. Some piercings come dangerously close to major arteries and nerves, so a centimeter off and you’re screwed. Professional piercers know a lot more than you think about the body (like, I don’t know, the few places you should NEVER poke a hole), so the few extra bucks you have to spend to have them puncture you is definitely worth it.

Tattoos
Tattoo artists have proper equipment, experience and education. So, unless you are a legally certified tattoo artist, do not even attempt to play around with ink and needles at home. That goes for you, too, Rihanna!  There are severe risks involved with getting tattoos done professionally, so imagine the potential consequences of a DIY tattoo. And I’m not just talking about spelling something wrong or ending up with a brown blob on your arm. We’re talking blood and needles here, people; a DIY tattoo could lead to infections, disease, and a permanent thing on your body that just did not come out the way you expected.

Alcohol:
Getting drunk without spending any money sounds really cool, but it is a no-no. So it may not be as dangerous as giving yourself a tat, but it’s still not smart. You’re most likely not going to do it correctly, you’re not going to get drunk, and you’re probably just going to get sick. (Take it from me…) That’s why we have liquor stores. If you want to get creative with alcohol, make jello shots or margaritas.

Waxing
Some people may disagree with me on this one, but I am a firm believer in leaving this mess to the professionals. However amazing those Sally Hanson boxes look with those perfectly hair free models on them, I will not be fooled. Waxing at home = one big messy, gross disaster. It’s impossible not to get the wax everywhere (which is especially dangerous when your nether regions are involved). Plus, the results aren’t going to be nearly as good as those from a regular salon and definitely not worth the risk of dripping that hot, hot wax all over your sensitive skin. I’m telling you, bubbly skin ain’t pretty.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list.

“Gym or TV?”
“Jeans or dress?”
“Save money or buy a new iPhone?”

So when we are constantly faced with the awful decision of which fame whore couple is more fame whorey, we make a list. No, this isn’t Sophie’s choice, but it’s our choice and it’s hard.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two “celebrity” couples that spend their days on the cover of every tabloid on earth. Which couple should have kept the cameras out of their lives? Do we really have to choose?!

Reality Show:

Spencer & Heidi: Speidi’s love for one another (and the limelight) blossomed into the barf-atrocious state it is in today on The Hills. Their daily lives – spent shopping, staring at each other, and making out – are “documented” as they navigate life in L.A.  And if a not-so-reality show on MTV isn’t low enough for this fame whorey couple, they are now about to star in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here on NBC. Because silicon and Botox fit in really well in the middle of the jungle.

Jon & Kate: Jon and Kate were two normal parents with 8 kids before TLC tapped them for their mega-hit, Jon and Kate Plus 8. The show chronicles the life of two very busy parents as they raise their adorable litter and deal with major life milestones: walking, talking, first day of school, etc.

Point: Speidi. Not only is The Hills a total waste of 22 minutes of sleeping time on Monday nights, but they don’t have 8 adorable little Asian/American nuggets running around.

Makeover:

Spencer & Heidi: It’s no secret that Heidi’s had a little (or a ton of) work done. The girl’s body has a silicon to real body parts ratio of 4:1. Lips: fake. Nose: fake. Boobs: faaaaake. Oh, and let us not forget the platinum hair extensions and press-on nails. Fake, fake, fake.

Jon and Kate: It is no secret to any Jon and Kate fan that Ms. Gosselin has gone through a few changes over the years. While she was once a Middle America mom with zero fashion sense and a lot of extra tummy skin, Kate has turned into a lean, mean, fashion machine. First a tummy tuck and a few highlights, now a backwards mullet and a closet full of the latest fashions.

Point: Speidi. At least Kate’s makeover was an improvement…

Tabloids

Spencer & Heidi: Do we even need to go there? These two spend their lives calling the paps, then hamming it up when they arrive. It wouldn’t be a normal week if there weren’t some cheesy photo of these two kissing in the pages.

Jon & Kate: The Gosselins have been on 9 tabloid covers in the past two weeks. And for a couple who wants to remain private, they sure seem to be open to sitting down for interviews with anyone who will listen. Then bitch when the media talks about ‘em.

Point: Jon and Kate. Though we all pray for a week where Spencer and Heidi aren’t making out in our favorite glossy mag, they don’t pretend to hate the media attention. In fact, they make it quite clear just how much they love it.

Ex-Friends

Spencer & Heidi: Spencer and Heidi lost a lot of friends as they moved to their little island of love. First LC, then Brody Jenner, these two are now all by their lonesome (except for that weird dude with the mustache that Spence hangs out with).

Jon & Kate: We’re sure Jon and Kate made lots of friends once they got their own show, but none of that matters when Aunt Jody turns on ya. Not only was she a huge help to Jon and Kate when they needed a little babysitting help, but she’s family! And now she’s family who’s selling her Jon and Kate secrets to the media.

Point: Jon and Kate. No one is really missing out when LC isn’t in their life, but family? Now that’s bad.

Loooove

Spencer & Heidi: Heidi and Spencer love each other so much they got engaged twice (ok, once was with some fake-ass ring, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)  and married twice (ok, so one time didn’t count, but it did in their hearts!). This duo can’t keep their hands off of each other, especially when cameras are around.

Jon & Kate: They totally love each other. They even went to Hawaii to renew their vows and prove their love and dedication to the children. And Kate is always showing how much she hearts Jon by slapping him around, yelling at him and cutting him off whenever he attempts to talk. Now that’s love!

Point: Speidi. Love eac hother in private, people. We don’t wanna see it.

And the Celebretard Couple of the Week Is: Speidi! Though who didn’t see that one coming? Here’s hoping that jungle eats them alive…

Mmmm sperm!

So apparently all those frat guys during my last four years of university had it right all along – sperm really does have many health benefits.  A Norwegian company called Bioforskning (which sounds like the owner may have had a mouthful of something when she was asked to name the company) has developed a facial treatment to minimize wrinkles and smooth skin utilizing spermine, an element in human sperm.

Human. Sperm. WTF??

First of all, let’s just sit back and appreciate the thought process that had to have gone into this product.  Who came up with it?  Who was sitting around and thinking, “Oh you know what, I bet jizz is really good for your skin, let me test this out and then sell it for hundreds of dollars”??  I tell you what, when sperm is that close to my face, my skin care routine is usually the last thing on my mind.  The first thing?  “Argh, point that thing somewhere else!”

Secondly, this “treatment” can cost up to $250 per session.  Seriously? What happened to the days when jizz on your face was an unhappy accident after a night of too many free (and probably warm) beers in the basement of a fraternity house on the side of campus you usually avoid? And instead of thinking, “Oh hey, I should probably let this sink into my skin and give it a second to see if it does anything beneficial,” weren’t we all (those of us who were “blessed” enough to be in the beta stages of this beauty regimen) thinking, “Where’s my face wash??”

Although Botox and  plastic surgery get a lot of flack, I feel a bit more warm to the idea of someone injecting pig fat or whatever it is into my face now that I know a sperm facial (didn’t that use to be a euphemism for something?) is the alternative treatment.  At any rate, I hope this development doesn’t leak to those frat guys (or really, any sexually active male), otherwise this fall’s crop of freshman girls have a whole new thing coming to them (all puns intended).

We love our mothers unconditionally. No matter how angry we get at them or how embarrassed our mothers make us, we continue to be on their side. They can yell at us, criticize us or even spend over $15,000 on plastic surgery in attempt to look like our identical twin and we will still love ‘em anyway. Wait, that last one has never happened to you?

Okay, maybe your mother hasn’t gone to the extreme like Jane Cunliffe’s mom, Janet, who believes that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Sure, your mother hasn’t spent thousands of dollars to change her nose, lips, breasts, hair and clothes, only to be mistaken as your younger sister. That was a bad example, but I’m sure she’s done something embarrassing that you’ve forgiven her for.

Nothing comes to mind? Well, I have ten “I-could-kill-you-I’m-so-embarrassed” moments below. Let me refresh your memory for you. If I forgot anything, please leave it in the comments, I like to know I’m not alone.

Moms are embarrassing when they…

1. Drive you to school in their pajamas.

2. Dress like you.  Juicy sweatsuits and belly shirts aren’t PTA appropriate!

3. Pull a Dina Lohan and gets all stage-mom on you.

4. Flirt with your friend’s fathers. Or your friends…

5. Lecture or yell at your friends.

6. Still lick their thumbs to wipe something off your face. For the last time, its a freckle and I’m 22 years old!

7. Try to set you up with anything with a penis.

8. Make awkward sexual jokes.

9. Wear Mom jeans. Enough said.

10. Use words like “underpants” in public.

Ever have one of those weeks, where it just feels like nothing is going right? No money, no job, no plans for the weekend. I can tell you first hand, it sucks. We all get down once in a while and let’s be honest here – this economy isn’t helping anyone’s mood. Sometimes we just want something, anything to make us feel better. Unfortunately, chocolate’s not cutting it, and either is sitting home watching that America’s Next Top Model marathon on the couch. So what’s a broke college kid to do?

How ’bout some new boobs?

Yeah, you heard me right – a new rack could be your solution to the no-money blues. The Sun is reporting that breast augmentation is the latest trend among the jobless. Because spending $10,000 is a great idea when you don’t have an income. The idea is that any advantage on a job interview is a good one, especially when it involves first appearances.

That’s where I get a little lost though; why would a bigger chest signify a more qualified employee?  I understand ironing your shirt or shining your shoes, but implants? Really? Major invasive cosmetic surgery is really the route you want to go to give yourself that little something extra on an interview? Color me confused, because unless you are being interviewed to become the next Playboy centerfold, I really don’t think double Ds are going to help.

I mean, I knew the job market was competitive in these trying times, but I didn’t know it was wet-t-shirt-contest competitive. Does this mean that my college education is worthless and I should have just spent my tuition on a new rack?

I think I might be depressed all over again. But believe me, I won’t be heading to my local plastic surgeon. I think I’ll just add something flashy (glitter?) to my resume.

And eat some more chocolate.