Dear Dude,

I know girls tend to send in questions regarding actual relationships that they are in, but that’s not me because I am currently single. What I want advice on is how I can stop being the girl that guys just agree is ‘cute.’

I’ve come to notice that I often befriend my crushes and we begin a very flirty friendship. However, it never goes past that because after awhile they start to spend time with me. I’m a very forward, funny, athletic girl, and usually we come up with the idea that we should go do something fun like working out together. And it all goes well, both flirting and having fun. But after awhile they want to do other things like, studying for classes or eating dinner on campus which again is all fine and fun. But it’s never dinner with just them, it’s always with them and their roommates. Which I would consider nice, since I get to meet their friends too, but they always end up treating me like another one of their bros. And suddenly I realize that from that point on, they’ve decided to make me their bro friend instead of where things might have been headed. In fact, often the boys in the group want to start hanging out too because they decide they like that i’m witty, smart and usually they will mention that I’m one of the engineers on campus that they think is one of the really cute ones, and often they don’t believe me when I say it’s my major. Basically they tell me I’m so funny, smart, and cute (sometimes they might say pretty but that’s rarer). But at the end of the day, the guy I wanted still continues to hang out with me, but more as a bro addition to his friends. He doesn’t text anymore, or flirt as much, and any meetings with just us stop outside of him and his friends hanging out with me. And I get it, that’s when I should move on and just be friends with this guy, and hey on the plus side i now have more friends to hang out with.

But how do I break this cycle? I like to call it the “Curse of being Cute” because instead of dating material, guys see me as their super amazing friend who is really cute. but they never want me. I want someone to think I’m beautiful, or to say wow, you’re really amazing, maybe we should go out sometime? But i guess another part of this problem also lies with the fact that the guys I usually like are already into someone else. And how do I even get a chance when there’s already a pedestal girl in the picture? The thing is I don’t, i try but the other girl they aren’t dating always wins their attention. And she’s tall and blonde.

Sincerely,
The petite, short, Brunette.

Dear The petite, short, Brunette

(It’s kinda better sounding when the nom-de-anonymous doesn’t begin with a definitive article. Just a thought to everyone who plans to write in)

Let’s see, curse of cuteness…if only Giles were here so he could look stuff up. Wait, alright, let me try a little incantation:

Brauch-wait. Holy father of-no. Um, double, double, toil and-oh forget it. Let’s face it, being one of the guys but still a girl isn’t an ideal situation. Basically, you’re stuck in the friend zone. For one reason or another the guy doesn’t see you as, well, more than a friend, a potential FWB, or anything more than platonic. Is it because you’re an athlete? Is it because you can hang with the boys? Probably not. In this case, it might not be all about you but also about the boys you’re going after and becoming broskis with.

When a guy’s got a gal on a pedestal it’s tough to knock her off without putting yourself out on a ledge.

If you don’t want to just be the friend, you can’t let him treat you like just a friend. Yeah, it’s great to make friends and get more friends who are guys but there comes a point where you’ve filled your quota. Enough with guy friends and onto a potential boyfriend!

It sounds like you’re stuck in a pattern. Which means you’ve got to change up your routine. If you don’t want someone to see you as “cute” then be bold and be decisive. Try a few different things. With one guy be more aggressive and initiate. With another try being a bit more on the coy side-but not just an ear for listening-and see how that fits.

At this point you feel rejected because you keep being accepted. First, you’ve got to accept yourself. You’re cute. You’re also beautiful. You’re athletic and you’re able to connect with guys on a level that lots of girls can’t.

Some guys will find that a bit intimidating. Some will write you off because you may come off as not effeminate enough, simply because you’re a fitness freak or knock them out in the middle of the ring. You might also want to consider giving a chance to a guy who isn’t as in to all of the same things you are. Might sound counterintuitive, but often times the best partners are ones that are complimentary, rather than overlapping.

You’re cute. Is it a curse? Only if you let it be. Curses can be broken by belief. Believe in your beauty. Believe in your strength. Believe enough to expand your boundaries and be bold with a guy you’re into. Don’t waste time after someone who’s pining after some princess on a pedestal. You may end up putting him on one. And that’s a surefire way of making sure you never get to be more than just a friend.

The next guy, grab him by the balls and let him know: you hate cute! And then walk away and let him chase. Alright, don’t because that might lead to assault charges, but you get the idea. Don’t lay in wait expecting him to notice you the way you want to be noticed. She who waits, waits alone.

“This is what happens when you draw your plans from Star Wars,”

Dude Casey, NSA

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Then, the heat of the moment passes and you wake up resembling the Bride of Frankenstein only to realize that you just boned your best friend/ex-lover/a boy from your Psych class. And things get even messier. No pun intended.

You instantly turn into psycho b*tch and a million questions run through your head in a matter of milliseconds. Everything from, I wonder if he’s REALLY regretting that last shot of Jack? to planning an elaborate escape route to his front door without spilling any beer cans or waking up any of his roommates.

But perhaps the most important question that plagues your hungover mind is something like, What the f**k is going to happen now? Especially when the person you just screwed is a friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or in three of your classes. Seriously, is it even possible to maintain a platonic relationship with someone you just saw – and who saw you – in the buff, without makeup or a push-up bra?

In my opinion, what unfolds after the sheets are, um, unfolded depends a lot on who you’re gettin’ it on with. The state of affairs BEFORE the actual event greatly determines the way shite will go down afterwards.

If you were platonic friends first:

You can probably salvage your friendship by laughing it off. At least you made the drunken mistake with someone you already know, love and respect. But, if you were friends before and Mr. Friend had a crush on you (or vice versa), sex is most definitely going to change the relationship. If he “got” you once, he’ll think he can get you again. And if you were crushin’ on him, you might suddenly start stalking his Facebook a little more often (every 10 minutes) and get jealous of his other “platonic” girl friends. This is when you need to talk about it – not just ignore it and hope that one of you starts to feel differently.

If you were kinda friends:

Things can be a little confusing. If you want to continue to be friends you probably need to talk about the boundaries of your relationship now that you’ve crossed the forbidden line. Are you gonna continue to get nakey everytime you hang out? Or was it a one-time sexual escapade that is best forgotten (if you can remember it to begin with)? Talking about the sitch A.S.A.P. will make things easier in the future. Like when you catch his eye across the dining hall and aren’t sure whether to smile and say hey or run to the nearest bathroom to hide your red cheeks and other signs of undeniable post hook-up shame.

If you weren’t friends first:

HEY! You could have just made a friend. At least you can always look back and laugh at the way you met. Yeah, you might have done things a little backasswards, but a friend is a friend – no matter how you make it. If you like the guy enough that you want to see him clothed, that is. However, don’t think you’ll ever REALLY forget that you guys did it. You won’t. And neither will his new GF when the three of you are sitting around pounding beers.

If he’s an ex:

You’ve got your hands full now. Ex-sex is a hotly debated topic, and the general consensus is that it’s a definite no-go. But, since you’ve already done it, you have to deal with it. As awkward and awful as it’s gonna seem, you have to talk about it. Trust me, it’s better than awkwardly half-hugging goodbye, crying yourself to sleep and then having to avoid all the places that there is a minute chance you will see him.

Of course, I always recommend having sex with people you know and trust. However, I’m realistic and I know this isn’t always the case. Basically, though, I think that friends can stay friends after gettin’ a little too friendly, as long as both of you like, or, at the very least, respect each other.

As for me, I’ve learned that I need to keep my vay-jay-jay off limits to anyone I consider a “friend” for a pretty long time.

What about you girls? What are your experiences with staying – or becoming – friends after sex?