Guess who’s making a cameo on the cover of Cosmo this month?  None other than, Julia Stiles!  Wait, the current younger generation probably doesn’t even know who this homeskillet is. Girlfriend, where have you been? I haven’t seen her in Hollywood since she rocked the boat in Save the Last Dance. (Oh, oopsie poopsie, Cosmo just informed me she has a dark role in Dexter, muh bad).

Still, you can only imagine I was surprised she was gracing the cover of Cosmo in that leather sheath this month.  I’m dying to crack open the mag and see ‘The Side of Julia I Haven’t Seen Before.‘  I’m quivering with excitement to see what she’s been up to all these mysterious years behind the spotlight…(one of the most intriguing things: a building fear of pigeons).

As quickly as I was surprised about Julia Styles’ birth back into Hollywood-dom, I forgot about it.  So, let’s move on.

Under Cosmo News, the magazine debuted the Hollywood Newlyweds who were most in love. Unfortunately for newlywed, Hilary Duff – her and hubby Mike Comrie have “space issues.”  Trouble in paradise, people.

In the middle of the mag, Cosmo created their own line of greeting cards starring celebs. As you can imagine, this wasn’t at all hilarious.  Especially when they put Justin Bieber’s face on an elf costume with slogan ‘Look Who We Found in Santa’s Workshop?’  Ew, Cosmo.

Oh, and before I forget to mention it, there was an article called ‘Make Him Burn With Pleasure.’ No, Cosmo wasn’t encouraging you give him an STD. They want you to microwave his socks, put them on, and squeeze his feet. Why didn’t I think of something as hawt as this before!?!

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It’s not easy being a woman. We only earn $.78 for every dollar dudes earn, we have to put up with things like periods and high heels, and—maybe worst of all—we’re constantly being bombarded with advice from lady mags, lady sites, and lady-oriented talk shows that purport to know what we should be doing to get thinner, sexier, and happier. Too often their tips are questionable at best and downright moronic at worst.

So starting this week, I’m going to be taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.

Let’s begin by talking about sex, baby. Everyone who’s seen a drugstore magazine rack knows that the cover of any women’s magazine isn’t complete without some headline like “BETTER BONING: 113 Sex Tips to Rock His World.”

I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure those articles always end up containing variations on the same 15 generic sex tips (“Be confident and tell him what you want.” “Send him naughty texts during the day.” Lather, rinse, repeat). But sometimes, instead of being boring and predictable, the pointers end up being flat-out crazypants.

While browsing through Cosmo’s “9 Erotic Tips to Rock Your World—and His,” for example, I came across this tip from one Cricket Richmond, who apparently wrote a book called Secrets of Sizzling Sex in 1994 (although it’s nowhere to be found on Amazon):

“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible.”

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